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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Advice needed re NRP wanting contact after 12 years :(

119 replies

cars254 · 13/12/2016 22:31

Hi all,

Apologies if this is in the wrong place but I am sick of Google and need some advice from real live people.

By way of background, I have a DD aged 12. Conceived by fluke with someone who I later realised was not sent down from heaven in a golden box, it's been me and her from day 1. He was all for termination at 25 weeks which should give you all an idea of the type of person he is. He's never seen her, denied all knowledge of her to everyone and anyone. CSA have been involved from when DD was about 6mo, and I've had payments somewhat consistently since then. He is not on the birth certificate and has no parental responsibility. He refused to acknowledge she was born. He has two other children, who he fought to see when he split up from his wife - leaving her when the youngest was 6 weeks old.

We've had periodic exchanges over the years, mainly when the CSA had recalculated his maintenance and involved him only mentioning money and how much of a hardship it was for him.

I have been with my DH for six years, married for 1. We have two LOs who my DD adores. She calls my DH "Dad" and has for about two/three years now. A few weeks ago she asked him, totally off her own back, if he would adopt her because "she didn't want to be a loser with no father on her birth certificate anymore". That broke my heart. DH told her that if that's what she wanted, we would do it; but it makes no difference to him as we changed her name by deed poll anyway so she's the same as us.

Ok so background out of the way - today, i called the CSA to chase payment: they said he'd left his employment. I messaged him to tell him to get in touch with them. He responded offering a direct payment. I told him that from January I would be discontinuing the claim as she has requested that DH adopt her. I said I assumed there would be no objections. His reply was "I will object, I want to meet her and start a relationship with her."

Please someone tell me he doesn't have a leg to stand on?? Given that he doesn't have parental responsibility I don't have to let him see her do I?

Any advice would be gratefully received.

Thanks

OP posts:

DoItTooJulia · 14/12/2016 09:34

I'd not get back in touch with him. Leave the maintenance. Get the adoption going. See what happens.

If he's turned a new leaf he will have your dds interests at heart and will not cause any problems. If he's still an arsehole you know what he'll do and you can prepare for that.

Ultimately at 12 your dd will get a much bigger say in the way things go. If she chooses to see him and build a relationship with him you're going to have to facilitate that and maintain a position that respects her wishes whilst supporting her through a potentially tricky time.

none of this sounds easy.

FrankAndBeans · 14/12/2016 09:56

She deserves to know and meet her real father. No one can ever take away or replace a biological link and I say that as someone who was abandoned as a baby by my father and was raised by my step dad who I view as my real dad. However when my bio dad reached out at 13 I would have resented my mum for not giving me the chance. It didn't work out, but at least I know now. The decision wasn't taken out of my hands.

ElspethFlashman · 14/12/2016 10:01

And IF he applies formally through the courts for contact, that conversation can happen. And the DD can decide. The OP is clearly not being obstructive.

But the conversation should not happen prior to his application - which may never ever happen.

Original poster

cars254 · 14/12/2016 10:03

I appreciate everyone's comments. I don't feel he has any right whatsoever unfortunately. The fact he fought for the other two means nothing - especially when he told me that he would have fought for them because he actually loved them. He's doing this now because he knows DD is stable and he's looking for a way to mess things up.

OP posts:

FrankAndBeans · 14/12/2016 10:05

Why does he have to apply formally through the courts? That is being purposefully difficult and obstructive. I would have thought it would have been less traumatic for the child to have a very low key meeting with no expectations, not to be dragged through the courts.
And OP's entire manner towards them meeting suggests she would be obstructive. For example -
Astley - so you'd be ok with him walking back in after never meeting her or never wanting to?

ElspethFlashman · 14/12/2016 10:05

How soon can you start the adoption process?

Original poster

cars254 · 14/12/2016 10:08

I don't know how to reply to everyone's individual comments sorry - the long and short of it is she has a dad and she has a family. I'm not a great believer in biology playing a big part having been messed around my whole life by my own dad. I didn't have anyone to take his place but DD does In my hubby and she couldn't ask for better. I only hope that if it comes to it her feelings are taken into consideration - and her feelings are that she wants to be adopted. FrankAndBeans it's not ok for him to walk after 12 years and try and play daddy.

OP posts:

ElspethFlashman · 14/12/2016 10:08

God Frank because it signals more seriousness than just throwing a snot on FB Messenger!!!

FrankAndBeans · 14/12/2016 10:09

That should be your daughters decision, not yours OP and I believe that's what the courts would decide too if he wanted to legally petition them.

FrankAndBeans · 14/12/2016 10:09

Have you given her the option of meeting him?

FrankAndBeans · 14/12/2016 10:11

Well Elspeth I would suggest a grown up attitude towards her and the situation displayed by him and commitment to seeing her in a non-presumptuous manner could also be seen as him being serious about it.

Original poster

cars254 · 14/12/2016 10:11

I have not discussed this with her yet. And yes I would be obstructive, I do not intend to give him any access to her unless ordered to do so. He is not her father, he has no parental right over her.

OP posts:

Original poster

cars254 · 14/12/2016 10:12

We can start the process in January, I've spoken to a solicitor this morning but was slightly difficult with the two LOs screaming: I'm going to try again later. I did however speak to a social worker to inform them of our intent.

OP posts:

FrankAndBeans · 14/12/2016 10:13

He is where she biologically comes from and always will be. I love my step-Dad to pieces but I am glad I know who my real dad is, even though he's a twat. You're denying her a choice, knowledge of her background and the right to make her own decisions about her family. Give her the option, it's not your place to keep it from her.

LittleMoomins · 14/12/2016 10:14

cars, I'm not sure what you should do RE contact with bio father, but I just wanted to say I would feel the same and not want this stranger to just barge in mine and my child's lives. Hopefully he will quietly fuck off.

Original poster

cars254 · 14/12/2016 10:16

FrankAndBeans - sorry, but I don't agree and I feel you're looking at this through rose tinted glasses. He is not the knight on a white horse riding in to save Her from a rubbish life where she's the stepchild and half-sister. She knows where she biologically comes from

OP posts:

Original poster

cars254 · 14/12/2016 10:16

And she knows that he exists. That is enough for me and the fact that she wants to be adopted is good enough for me also.

OP posts:

NNChangeAgain · 14/12/2016 10:17

Why did you tell him? If you'd just gone down the adoption route there would have been no need for him to know, as he's not on the birth certificate....

FrankAndBeans · 14/12/2016 10:18

Hardly, as I've been in your daughters exact situation. I think she will resent you in years to come if she finds out and I don't think you'll be allowed to do it anyway if he legally petitions for contact. She is not a small child anymore, if she has such a great life with step dad surely you can trust her to make the decision that you'd want whilst still having all the information.

Original poster

cars254 · 14/12/2016 10:19

Thanks Little Moomins. Makes me fume that people think he should just be able to walk in and start a relationship with her! She's 12, she's not mature enough to cope with what that entails! My dad walking in and out of my life was enough to mess my head and he continued to do that until I was 30! This is a knee jerk reaction to me mentioning adoption, nothing more. Hopefully he will as you say quietly fuck off: if not welll have to deal with what comes and hope the judge can see that the man who called her a lump of cells that should have been aborted isn't the best man for the title "dad"!

OP posts:

ElspethFlashman · 14/12/2016 10:20

Also Frank you're talking as if this is the last chance saloon.

If he never bothers his arse to pursue contact (likely), she will be none the wiser of his game playing.

When she is an adult, if she becomes curious, then she can certainly initiate contact herself over FB.

Original poster

cars254 · 14/12/2016 10:20

NNChangeAgain - I mentioned it because our council website said that despite him having no parental responsibility for her as he is birth father they would still have to contact him. So given he has never wanted to see her or anything, I assumed he would jump at the chance to be rid of her and the financial obligation - which is something that has bugged him for years.

OP posts:

SeriousSteve · 14/12/2016 10:21

DSS father left his life when he was 1, ignored him for 15 years. We allowed access and he stayed in DSS life for four months twisting things and poisoning him against DW and I. He then dropped DSS like a hot coal.

We all suffered immense fallout, DSS performance at school going into GCSEs suffered. DSS has changed his surname and told his birth father to fuck off.

The OP, imo, is doing exactly the right things. Sounds like the ex is trying to get a rise.

Isetan · 14/12/2016 10:22

DD's Dad decided to terminate contact two years ago. Eighteen months before that contact was at a contact centre and between the ages of three and six there was no contact. I've had to push what little contact there has been and there has been no maintenance in six years. One of the reasons I haven't claimed maintenance is that I was scared he would walk back into her life and mess her around again but I have recently decided to push for maintenance because he could waltz back into her life regardless.

As much as I think DD's Dad is a waste of space and a selfish arse, he is still her father and my job as her mother is to advocate on her behalf and I believe she would want a relationship with him if there was an opportunity but he would have to put the effort in and prove a commitment to contact. Contact would initially be supervised at a Contact Centre and I'd expect him to foot the bill. I would also consult a child psychologist to ensure that her mental health was being supported, again he would be footing the bill.

If your DD's Dad's only motivation is to get back at you then he won't want to invest his energies in a process where he doesn't get the pleasure of riling you. In the unlikely event that he does go to court, it will demonstrate that you have prioritised your DD's right to have a relationship whilst protecting her emotional wellbeing.

I'm still fearful that DD's Dad could waltz back into her life but I have worked my arse off with the help of a child psychologist, to support her into coming to terms with having an absent father and if he does, hopefully she will have acquired the skills that I have been trying to teach her about her worth so she won't be tempted to accept a relationship with him (or anyone else for that matter) where her wishes aren't being respected.

Isadora2007 · 14/12/2016 10:22

Really difficult scenario here.
As a parent to older children as well as younger I would urge you to be honest with your DD and not let your own feelings cloud what really should -at age 12- be HER decision.
The courts may well see 11 years of (albeit sporadic?) maintenance as a degree of commitment. No it certainly doesn't make a father...but it is an ongoing commitment so that will count in his favour. Age 12 she will likely also be asked what she thinks or wants.

In your scenario I think I would separate 2 issues- adoption and contact. Go ahead with the adoption process and stop CSA payments as if you don't want him in her life at all then you shouldn't be taking his money.
IF he contests and says he does want to see her, then I would speak to her and see what she thinks. She could be very hurt and angry in the future if She finds out you "stopped" him.

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