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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Advice needed re NRP wanting contact after 12 years :(

119 replies

cars254 · 13/12/2016 22:31

Hi all,

Apologies if this is in the wrong place but I am sick of Google and need some advice from real live people.

By way of background, I have a DD aged 12. Conceived by fluke with someone who I later realised was not sent down from heaven in a golden box, it's been me and her from day 1. He was all for termination at 25 weeks which should give you all an idea of the type of person he is. He's never seen her, denied all knowledge of her to everyone and anyone. CSA have been involved from when DD was about 6mo, and I've had payments somewhat consistently since then. He is not on the birth certificate and has no parental responsibility. He refused to acknowledge she was born. He has two other children, who he fought to see when he split up from his wife - leaving her when the youngest was 6 weeks old.

We've had periodic exchanges over the years, mainly when the CSA had recalculated his maintenance and involved him only mentioning money and how much of a hardship it was for him.

I have been with my DH for six years, married for 1. We have two LOs who my DD adores. She calls my DH "Dad" and has for about two/three years now. A few weeks ago she asked him, totally off her own back, if he would adopt her because "she didn't want to be a loser with no father on her birth certificate anymore". That broke my heart. DH told her that if that's what she wanted, we would do it; but it makes no difference to him as we changed her name by deed poll anyway so she's the same as us.

Ok so background out of the way - today, i called the CSA to chase payment: they said he'd left his employment. I messaged him to tell him to get in touch with them. He responded offering a direct payment. I told him that from January I would be discontinuing the claim as she has requested that DH adopt her. I said I assumed there would be no objections. His reply was "I will object, I want to meet her and start a relationship with her."

Please someone tell me he doesn't have a leg to stand on?? Given that he doesn't have parental responsibility I don't have to let him see her do I?

Any advice would be gratefully received.

Thanks

OP posts:

SeriousSteve · 14/12/2016 11:58

Elf does raise a very good point bitter experience about social media.

Original poster

cars254 · 14/12/2016 11:59

I have all the messages also, I've kept them for a reason. I wanted to be able to show her that in all the years we had contact he never wanted anything to do with her. You'll all have to Forgive me if I don't believe his motives are anything but true and honest and good at the moment. I do appreciate everyone's input. I've spoken to a social worker regarding the adoption this morning and explained the situation to her. She believes it's best to put the wheels in motion for the adoption and when they do that, they will contact him. She said she has seen this a lot and usually it's just an exercise in being awkward on the part of the bio parent.

OP posts:

Original poster

cars254 · 14/12/2016 12:00

Elf does raise a good point. I've blocked him from her Facebook as I wouldn't put it past him to contact her himself.

OP posts:

HermioneJeanGranger · 14/12/2016 12:19

Ugh, he sounds like my ex. Denied three of kids, didn't bother with the others. Well, he did, but only when in a relationship or when their mum forced it. Otherwise, nada. We split up when I found he had three other kids he pretended were someone else's

Go ahead with the adoption and let him fight it through the courts. In my experience, men like this are all mouth and no trousers, so I doubt he'll bother once he realises it'll cost him money/effort.

Your DH sounds wonderful and your DD sounds very lucky to have you both

Original poster

cars254 · 14/12/2016 12:26

I met with him when she was 6mo and he said he wasn't ready to meet her. I told him then that there was no way I was going to let him flit in and out of her life. She was either going to be a part of his life or not, there is no in between. He chose not. I don't believe he should just get to throw on the dad hat now because it suits him. And I will fight him every step of the way.

OP posts:

HermioneJeanGranger · 14/12/2016 12:39

Good for you, OP.

Original poster

cars254 · 14/12/2016 12:46

Thanks HermioneJeanGranger. Love the name by the way - fave books ever x

I really do appreciate everyone's input - it's helped a lot x

OP posts:

Aeroflotgirl · 14/12/2016 13:11

I personally would tell dd that her biological dad would like to see her, and ask her what she wants to do. If she wants to see him, only with supervised access. I totally agree with you, but she is `12 and I think part of the decision has to be with her.

Aeroflotgirl · 14/12/2016 13:12

Oh fantastic op, you have talked to the adoption SW, so listen to her and she is right, he does want to be awkward.

Ratonastick · 14/12/2016 13:29

I'm very late to this thread but wanted to pop up as I am in a very similar situation. DS Dad disappeared when he was 6 months old and has now reappeared and wants a relationship with him. I have a very confused DS 14 who doesn't want to see him but then breaks down because he (DS) feels he has a duty to his father to see him. Plus xP is taking me to court for access as I refused to allow him to take DS out of school for a two week skiing holiday to reestablish their relationship. DS is horribly involved in this as he has to give his views to the courts.

So, it is shit BUT the system is being helpful to DS. The legal advisors have been very clear that it is all about DS and any orders will be for his benefit and gain only. The courts are not interested in xPs perception of his rights and won't order contact just because he demands it and they won't "punish" me for refusing an unreasonable request. At 14, they will listen to DS and act for him and they have seen it all before. There is an understanding about DSs confusion and a very clear view that everything will be at his pace and only when he is ready / sure of what he wants.

It is unbelievably hard to handle and I could kill xP for being so cruel to DS. But what I have learned is that the legal process is not the horror show I expected and I am not scared of being taken to court anymore. XP thought he could bludgeon us into submission by using the courts, but he can't. I think this is largely because the child involved is old enough to have their own voice and the situation would be very different if he was still a tiddler. It has also been horribly expensive which I resent like hell after 14 years without maintenance. But I really would hope that with DD at 12, your experience is closer to mine.

Good luck OP.

lookatyourwatchnow · 14/12/2016 13:40

He should take a running jump. She's 12. TWELVE. He's had TWELVE YEARS worth of chances to progress contact if he had wanted to. But he hasn't.

Why the fuck should DD wait around indefinitely for her 'dad' to decide whether he wants to grace her with a few hours of contact?

Aeroflotgirl · 14/12/2016 13:58

Raton I wish that all courts were child centred, especially with younger children when it involves an NRP who is violent and abusive. Unfortunately, sometimes in those cases, the child's needs are not placed first.

Original poster

cars254 · 14/12/2016 14:02

Thanks for your comments guys. Aeroflot yes seems like a similar situation and exactly what I want to avoid. As a side note I've spoken to the CSA this morning. As they've said before and as I've been advised previously, maintenance and contact are two separate issues and providing one does not give automatic right to the other. So she said that I would be within my rights to take the payment as he stops being financially responsible for her once the adoption goes through. She said I can take a one off payment and let them know I've had it. It makes no difference in the eyes of the law whether he's paid maintenance. He still has no parental responsibility so cannot demand access. He has to apply to court and I'm not sure he'll do that. He did message me this morning to say he'll be in touch with his solicitor to sort access and get a formal agreement in place to see DD. Err not fucking likely mate!! He refuses to contact the CSA directly so they'll put a trace on him for now.

OP posts:

Original poster

cars254 · 14/12/2016 14:04

Sorry Raton - meant it was close to your situation: Aeroflot, i meant to say thank you for your comment x

OP posts:

ElspethFlashman · 14/12/2016 14:08

Did you answer that message?

Original poster

cars254 · 14/12/2016 14:17

Elspeth I just said to him contact the CSA - he said let them contact me and then said about his solicitor. I just replied saying they can't contact you they have no details x

OP posts:

Ratonastick · 14/12/2016 14:46

aeroflot. I completely agree. I was terrrified of court threats as I thought my DS would be forced into something he doesn't want or that xP would be able to take control of our situation. In truth it is being handled in a very child centric way and is not what I expected at all. However a 14 year old who has had no contact is completely different to most situations where comabtive parents end up in court. It is why I wanted to tell OP, I was terrified of the threats but actually there was no need to be.

NNChangeAgain · 14/12/2016 14:56

Stop engaging!

The CSA are quite capable of tracking him down - given your reluctance to have him involved in your DDs life, you are interacting with him far too much.

If you have his number, give it to the CSA, plus any other details you may have - but don't try and do their job for them.
You trying to encourage him to contact the CSA only muddies the water - if you want nothing to do with him, then DON'T!

Original poster

cars254 · 14/12/2016 15:01

NNChange - you're right. He irks me to the point of combustion. I've blocked him now.

OP posts:

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