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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU Should I just bite the bullet and go to the MIL?

111 replies

Ashgr0ve · 12/12/2016 22:29

I'm sure you can all guess where this is going, but a brief history first. My DH and I have been together for over 13 years, living together for 10, married last year, DS is 5 this xmas, you get the idea, this isn't a flash in the pan!

My MIL never had much interest in me until DH and I showed no signs of ending our relationshop. Then she took an interest, and not a good one. Up until 4 years ago I did everything I could to gain favour, obviously unsuccessfully or I wouldn't be here!

When our son was born he was very unwell, (we spend a lot of time in the stroke clinic), his first xmas was spent in hospital. His first xmas (and birthday) out was so special and everyone wanted to be with him. We went to MIL house, (I spoke to my own mum at length, she knew I wanted this relationship to work) and that was the day that changed everything. I was told repeatedly that I was not family, that I wouldn't be included in pictures, presents etc. DH did nothing and this caused a lot of stress for us as well. To look back you would not know for one second that i was in tbe house. My son's first xmas was ruined, I look back and kick myself for letting it go as far as it did but hindsight is a fantastic thing. After that I made no special effort for her. I have never stopped her seeing him (she has little interest anyway), but I will no longer cancel plans, rearrange appointments or go out of my way for her.

This year she is making a huge deal about us coming over for dinner, interesting as we will (hopefully) have a new bundle with us. The last time she called to our house was 3 years ago, we're never invited to hers (it is STRICTLY invite only) and she never comes for dinners out, birthday's etc. although I do not like her I will always make sure she knows what's happening and when, she just never shows up.

My dilemma is this; I cannot spend another xmas around that woman. She is snide, cruel and vindictive and always tries to turn any grievance with her behaviour into your issue. I am happy for DH to go and bring DS with him if he wishes but I just can't face her. How do I explain this in a calm and constructive manner without opening old wounds and dragging the past up? She is still his mother and I don't want any bad feeling or to stress either of us out. Am I better off to just go and keep the "peace"? AIBU? Help!

OP posts:

BratFarrarsPony · 12/12/2016 22:33

she does sound mad.
How can she tell you that you are not family, and then summons you to Christmas.

You don't have to explain anything, just don't go!

cookiefiend · 12/12/2016 22:35

No- don't go. Christmas is about your little family. Do what is right for the chxildren (and you will be feeling very hormonal of you have a very young baby). You don't need to explain why.
To keep the peace offer an alternative if you wish- we are free boxing day or something. Though I wouldn't even feel inclined to offer that given how awful she has been.

Dilligaf81 · 12/12/2016 22:35

God thats hard. I k owyou want it to be peaceful but id be kivid if my DH hadnt spoken up for me before this. To not include you in pictures and presents WTAF!!
Id be telling him straight that i wont interfere with his relationship with his mum but as she has made no effort eithyou and made you feel uncomfortable for many years you arentgoing to give her that opportunity anymore. Good luck but i think you need tell him straight as he has ignored howshe has behaved previously so needs to be told exactly how tou feel.

RandomMess · 12/12/2016 22:39

She wants you to go over to hers for Dinner on Christmas Day??

I would be worried that if you agree DH and DS go on their own what is going to happen next year, and the year after etc?

pipsqueak25 · 12/12/2016 22:40

dh needs to sort this one out, he hasn't spoken up for you in the past ?? long term partner / wife, mother of his dc /dc 2 ? i think i'd be venting at him a bit more for being a wuss! certainly do not go to hers for xmas,

glenthebattleostrich · 12/12/2016 22:41

Tell her you will be spending Christmas with family!

QueenArseClangers · 12/12/2016 22:45

Why the fuck has your husband not told his spiteful mother not to be such an atrocious cunt to you?

Like they always say on here: you don't have a MIL problem you have a DH one.

ohfourfoxache · 12/12/2016 22:46

Don't bite the bullet, and dh and ds should be going absolutely nowhere without you- it sets a precedent.

I think you should probably be honest with dh and tell him just how upset you were/are and that you won't spend your bump's first Christmas being excluded.

RaspberryOverloadTheFirst · 12/12/2016 22:49

Your "D"H needs to realise that you and your DC are his priority now. He needs to grow a pair and stand up for you.

I don't think you should change your plans. if your DH and DC/s go off without you, you could very easily find that this is what happens every time there's some occasion. You'll be cut out, and your DCs will grow up thinking that's normal. It may even affect their relationship with you eventually.

Potnoodlewilld0 · 12/12/2016 22:54

Stop being so fucking passive.

This spiteful bitch was horrid to you and you still let her know your plans.

YOU need to change. DONT go and *DONT send your kids either. If your dp is such a wimp he fucks of and leaves you on Xmas day then you know where you stand and will always be.

Do not underestimate the bullshite she will pull in front of your DC making them feel uncomfortable and confused. My mil did it to my SIL for 18 years untill SIL finally left BIL. Now mil is trying it with me. She don't see my girls this side of Xmas.

MammaTJ · 12/12/2016 22:57

Do not do it! There is nothing in it for your DC, you or your DH!! Why would you?

Potnoodlewilld0 · 12/12/2016 22:58

Also I can't understand it when grown adults cannot be around poisonous people but are quite willing to send their kids there!

MrsDustyBusty · 12/12/2016 23:00

If you will have a new baby, it would be exceptionally foolish to plan to be away from your own home. Really not a suitable suggestion from your mother in law.

maddening · 12/12/2016 23:04

I would reply that I want to spend Xmas with family and she has made her feelings quite clear that I am not family. She cuts no bones being blunt be blunt back.

DearSantaDefineGood · 12/12/2016 23:08

If my DP allowed his mother to treat me half as appallingly as your MIL has treated you, I would waste zero time in firmly kicking his arse in to touch and reminding him about where his priorities lie - especially as you have children.
Stop belittling the behaviour of her and your DH. I don't have DC but if I did there is no chance I would allow them to be away from me on Christmas day in favour of spending time with someone who has no respect for me as their mother. And as potnoodlesaid - don't underestimate the shit she will be saying to your DH and DC. People like her are dangerous.

SixthSenseless · 12/12/2016 23:10

Goodness, of course you mustn't / can't go!

Tell your DH that this will be your new baby's first Christmas and the memories of DS1's first non-hospital Christmas are a permanent unhappy memory.

You will be fragile and emotional. You need people who will rejoice and marvel over your baby WITH you. The last thing you need is someone who will at best pretend you don't exist!

Original poster

Ashgr0ve · 12/12/2016 23:11

I could write a book on the things that woman has done/said, our wedding was interesting to say the least but I was prepared for her to do something!

DH might not even want to go, but I know this is her "olive branch" (disturbing way of exercising control over her children) and she will paint it that way. I just need the right words so I'm ready when I speak to him.

Believe me when I say he has learned from that xmas, but she is also very careful about where and when she says things.

DS can't stand her, she is not a good people person in any way, shape or form and a 4yo can pick up on that. We won't be invited over any other day, it's all or nothing with her. I'm happy to be the bad person in her eyes but this is still his mother, for better or worse, if anyone is hoping to be upset or hurt it's him.

I'm over thinking this, I just need to speak with him and go from there. Thanks everyone!

OP posts:

ColdCottage · 12/12/2016 23:14

I'd explain that you already have plans for Christmas and with a new addition arriving soon you want a quiet, calm day at home.

Offer to go round on Boxing Day for a drink/cuppa and gift swap if you feel you must and for your husband but have plans booked in or rest needed for the rest of the day.

Christmas is about family and being kind and forgiving but I can't see she has given much of that out herself so don't feel bad. Do what is right for your little family. It's called Karma for her

Good luck, know it will be hard but you need to protect yourself and not look back and regret another Christmas

humblesims · 12/12/2016 23:17

it's all or nothing with her
nothing seems like the obvious choice. As others have said, your DH needs to step up. She may be his mother but you are his wife and that trumps her shit. If he doesnt then she will drive a wedge well and truelly through your marriage.

ThisUsernameIsAvailable · 12/12/2016 23:19

Id say she wants you there so she can do exactly what she did on your other child's first Christmas.
There's not a chance me or my kids would go but my dh would have gone bat shit at anyone treating me like that

DeepanKrispanEven · 12/12/2016 23:23

I just need the right words so I'm ready when I speak to him

Very easy. "Last year she told me repeatedly that I am not family. She only wants family there. Therefore she does not want me and I am not going".

MrsDustyBusty · 12/12/2016 23:28

Or simply new baby, not up to it, not happening.

AcrossthePond55 · 12/12/2016 23:30

TBH, I'd simply tell my DH very calmly that the children and I are not going and see what he says. Hopefully he'll agree without discussion since he knows what his mother is like. I'd only bring up what happened in the past if he starts sounding like he's thinks it would be a good idea to go.

Then I'd let him have it with both barrels.

altiara · 12/12/2016 23:31

No no no no! Don't even entertain a repeat performance. She had her chance and showed her hand. With a new bundle, you need to be either at home or somewhere you will feel looked after.
And don't set a precedent of not having DS/DH around you otherwise it will be repeated. Put yourself first.

Bogeyface · 12/12/2016 23:31

You will have another new baby, like the last time? Oh what a coincidence...not.

She is trying to claim your kids as her territory.

As for DH simply say "After she ruined my first Xmas with DS, am not risking that again. You go if you want to but me and kids are staying at home"

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