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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU Should I just bite the bullet and go to the MIL?

111 replies

Ashgr0ve · 12/12/2016 22:29

I'm sure you can all guess where this is going, but a brief history first. My DH and I have been together for over 13 years, living together for 10, married last year, DS is 5 this xmas, you get the idea, this isn't a flash in the pan!

My MIL never had much interest in me until DH and I showed no signs of ending our relationshop. Then she took an interest, and not a good one. Up until 4 years ago I did everything I could to gain favour, obviously unsuccessfully or I wouldn't be here!

When our son was born he was very unwell, (we spend a lot of time in the stroke clinic), his first xmas was spent in hospital. His first xmas (and birthday) out was so special and everyone wanted to be with him. We went to MIL house, (I spoke to my own mum at length, she knew I wanted this relationship to work) and that was the day that changed everything. I was told repeatedly that I was not family, that I wouldn't be included in pictures, presents etc. DH did nothing and this caused a lot of stress for us as well. To look back you would not know for one second that i was in tbe house. My son's first xmas was ruined, I look back and kick myself for letting it go as far as it did but hindsight is a fantastic thing. After that I made no special effort for her. I have never stopped her seeing him (she has little interest anyway), but I will no longer cancel plans, rearrange appointments or go out of my way for her.

This year she is making a huge deal about us coming over for dinner, interesting as we will (hopefully) have a new bundle with us. The last time she called to our house was 3 years ago, we're never invited to hers (it is STRICTLY invite only) and she never comes for dinners out, birthday's etc. although I do not like her I will always make sure she knows what's happening and when, she just never shows up.

My dilemma is this; I cannot spend another xmas around that woman. She is snide, cruel and vindictive and always tries to turn any grievance with her behaviour into your issue. I am happy for DH to go and bring DS with him if he wishes but I just can't face her. How do I explain this in a calm and constructive manner without opening old wounds and dragging the past up? She is still his mother and I don't want any bad feeling or to stress either of us out. Am I better off to just go and keep the "peace"? AIBU? Help!

OP posts:
ChuckGravestones · 13/12/2016 07:57

But why would you go to 'not family' on Christmas day just to be abused again?

Fuck that shit. Spend the time with people who actually do want to spend time with you [and who want you in the photos].

Does your husband not realise what his mother said to you?

Parker231 · 13/12/2016 08:12

Sounds like you have a DH problem - she's his mother - he needs to be sorting it out. You can ignore her and make your own plans for a happy Christmas.

Gazelda · 13/12/2016 08:12

Don't go. It will be miserable.
Your DH needs to tell his DM that he has been rude and cruel to you for 14 years, and he will tolerate it no more. He will be spending the day with his wife and family.
And no matter what hysterics she goes into, how many olive branches she offers in the future, do not cave. Not this year, not ever.

mirokarikovo · 13/12/2016 08:14

All you need to do is say "Last time we were there for Christmas I was told repeatedly that I was not family, that I wouldn't be included in pictures or presents - I will not ever be there for Christmas again" Repeat as needed.

Is this MIL of a religious persuasion?** I guess it's possible that there might still be idiots people in the world who think that a woman who has been cohabiting unmarried with a man for 7 years is not "proper" family but now 3 years later you are married and therefore family and might be treated better this time. However that kind of nastiness isn't a healthy environment to expose your children to so I wouldn't take a risk.

** nb I realise that many religious people would not be nasty in this way! The thought just occurred to me because I have a relative who is a bit sniffy about the fact that her daughter's wedding photos include in the "wider family" shots the then-boyfriend (who turned out to be quite temporary) of one of the cousins of the bride. Said sniffy-person has been heard to comment that they shouldn't have included boyfriends as they shouldn't be considered family until rings have been exchanged. But everyone else thinks that's a silly thing to get worked up about.

thetemptationofchocolate · 13/12/2016 09:46

I don't think you should go to MILs either.
Nor should you send DCs - she sounds absolutely horrible and I wouldn't want any children of mine to be in her company at all.
I don't think you would be unreasonable if you explained that you felt unwelcome the last time, it wouldnt be dragging up old history at all. It's relevant as it's still ongoing.

Allthebestnamesareused · 13/12/2016 11:24

I was "not family" to my (ex)MIL for years but as soon as we had a baby we were invited to stay over Christmas Eve-Boxing Day (reserved for family only). I declined on the basis that I knew she only had family stay with her over Christmas although we did go for lunch etc and I made sure we did a full round goodbye to all the aunts etc making sure they knew we were leaving as only family stay over.

Petty I know but it felt really good!

New MIl doesn't bother with us at all! (I promise I'm ok (honest) but after last MIL I am very laissez faire about family relationships now.

HouseworkIsASin10 · 13/12/2016 12:48

I was told repeatedly that I was not family, that I wouldn't be included in pictures, presents etc. DH did nothing and this caused a lot of stress for us as well.

Gobsmacked Shock Your husband stood there and let this happen? They both need to fuck off.

RhiWrites · 13/12/2016 12:52

Something I learned on the Captain Awkward website is that you can't keep the peace when the peace is already broken.

LagunaBubbles · 13/12/2016 12:59

I was told repeatedly that I was not family, that I wouldn't be included in pictures, presents etc. DH did nothing and this caused a lot of stress for us as well

I cant see by this. Firstly that someone can be so nasty (I well believe it, just dont understand it is what I meant!) and secondly your DH never said anything. There are so many stories played out here about toxic parents and in-laws and I understand how some people can almost become "conditioned" to accepting bad behaviour from their parents but I cant imagine anyone letting their parents say this to their partner and Mother of their child. I couldnt be with someone that let that happen.

BiddyPop · 13/12/2016 13:09

Mil ruined your DS effective first Christmas.

It is now your DMs family's chance to have a first Christmas with a new arrival.

Or else, if you as a nuclear family prefer, a quiet year at home (with or without visitors).

MrsJayy · 13/12/2016 13:16

She sounds bonkers and very cruel please dont go and ruin yourChristmas day just to be polite go round day before or send Dh she clearly has no respect for you.

CoraPirbright · 13/12/2016 13:33

You have got lots of options to avoid it! If you have a newborn or are heavily pregnant you can say you are not up to it/want to be near to the hospital/in your own bed. Or you could say it is your Mum's "turn". Or you could go for the nuclear option "Thank you for your kind invitation MIL but since you made it clear that I am not family, I would rather stick pins in my eyes than come to Christmas at yours".

SheldonsSpot · 13/12/2016 13:37

What Deepan said, with the addition that "the children will be staying at home with me too, because surely DH, you would not want your children to go somewhere where their own mother is abused and excluded, would you?".

His answer to that question will be very telling.

Strokethefurrywall · 13/12/2016 15:13

I'm sorry but I just CAN'T understand your thinking Flum - why in God's name should anyone put themselves through being belittled and considered not family only to kill someone with kindness, like that would be a punishment for the MIL?

As far as I can tell, killing someone with kindness does nothing to the offender other than thinking they've won at whatever little game their playing.

The only reason cruel fucks like the OP's MIL get away with being the festering turds of humanity is because people let them get away with it.

OP, you know what you need to do - it involves staying in your own home (or at your own mother's), with your lovely little family and confining your MIL to the furthest reaches of your brain.

BiddyPop · 13/12/2016 15:25

And yes, I absolutely agree with others - if your DH decides he is going anyway, he is going on his own. BOTH DCs are staying with you, wherever that is.

FatOldBag · 13/12/2016 15:39

Don't let her ruin another Christmas, especially another 'first'. Just tell your dh you're not going and so the kids aren't either as you want to enjoy your day. You're perfectly ok to bring up what happened last time, and you should, it's a bloody good reason not to go again. If he wants to go despite all that happened then you have a dh problem, not a MIL problem.

MadMags · 13/12/2016 15:43

There is no fucking way I would go anywhere near that house and if dh wanted to go, he'd be going permanently.

How dare he allow anyone to treat you that way??

My children wouldn't be exposed to her either. She's a bitch.

1horatio · 13/12/2016 15:47

DH did nothing and this caused a lot of stress for us as well.

She's nasty and your DH should support you.

Don't spend Christmas with the grinch,

ollieplimsoles · 13/12/2016 15:52

So you're not family to her? Then your kids are not family to her either.

Someone said that to me they would not see my kids again, grandparent or not. Why are you even bothering as much as you do.

Your husband is also an idiot and he can see his mother in his own.

If this would me I would withdraw my children from her, tell her why, and not talk to her again. Your kids deserve better.

CondensedMilkSarnies · 13/12/2016 16:00

Very typical Narc behaviour to 'extend the olive branch' on Christmas Day . She could have done this on any other day of the year but has chosen not to because she knows it will stir up trouble by choosing Christmas Day .

Gooseygoosey12345 · 13/12/2016 16:02

I would simply say "no thank you, we already have other plans. However you are more than welcome to visit us on Boxing Day." That way at least it's on your terms, in your house which seems a better option to me.

MuddlingMackem · 13/12/2016 16:08

Sorry, only read the OP's posts and a handful of replies. If you don't stay at home surely it would be only fair to spend DC2's first Christmas with your parents, taking turns with first Christmases, so you couldn't possibly go you to MIL's whatever else is going on.

toptoe · 13/12/2016 16:11

Don't spend Christmas with unkind people. It's not good for you or your dc. She was horrible to you after what you went through with your ds. It's her fault. Don't get sucked into feeling guilty, pandering to her wishes to keep the peace or being overly kind so she'll magically change. It will make fuck all difference. Just tell your dh you want a loving Christmas at home with the dc and he can visit his mum after Christmas lunch. Let him tell her whatever he wants.

Repeat: 'I am having Christmas at home with my new baby and my ds.' That's all you need to say to anyone who asks what you are doing or invites you anywhere. No explanations. No excuses. If they don't accept that then they're an arse and you definitely don't want to spend it round theirs!!

wheresthewine36 · 13/12/2016 16:18

I would tell him that you don't want to risk another Christmas being ruined by his cunt of a mother and you don't want to spend Christmas day without him and your children. If he wants a more palatable excuse for his mother, he can tell her you all want to stay at home Christmas day with your new bundle. Or, he can be honest and tell her neither of you are stupid, you are aware her "olive branch" does not extend to admitting she has been a vile bitch and actually apologising for and changing her behaviour so you have no intention of suffering through another torturous Christmas with her. Don't let her ruin your Christmas ever again. Horrid bitch of a woman.

BlackNo1 · 13/12/2016 16:21

Don't go. She's had plenty of time to extend the olive branch.

If you do go, you know what's going to happen don't you.
People don't change that much and so suddenly. You'll be the mug falling for her guilt trap.

Take it from someone who has many MIL tales to tell. You can only do so much. Guilt has no part it this and it seems as if you've done your share of the meeting her halfway.
In your shoes I wouldn't even entertain the idea of your DH going with your DS. That's what she wants. Tell your DH that you and the children won't be going and get him to deliver the news.

You have better things to do and better people to spend the festive season with - your family and loved ones.