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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU Should I just bite the bullet and go to the MIL?

111 replies

Ashgr0ve · 12/12/2016 22:29

I'm sure you can all guess where this is going, but a brief history first. My DH and I have been together for over 13 years, living together for 10, married last year, DS is 5 this xmas, you get the idea, this isn't a flash in the pan!

My MIL never had much interest in me until DH and I showed no signs of ending our relationshop. Then she took an interest, and not a good one. Up until 4 years ago I did everything I could to gain favour, obviously unsuccessfully or I wouldn't be here!

When our son was born he was very unwell, (we spend a lot of time in the stroke clinic), his first xmas was spent in hospital. His first xmas (and birthday) out was so special and everyone wanted to be with him. We went to MIL house, (I spoke to my own mum at length, she knew I wanted this relationship to work) and that was the day that changed everything. I was told repeatedly that I was not family, that I wouldn't be included in pictures, presents etc. DH did nothing and this caused a lot of stress for us as well. To look back you would not know for one second that i was in tbe house. My son's first xmas was ruined, I look back and kick myself for letting it go as far as it did but hindsight is a fantastic thing. After that I made no special effort for her. I have never stopped her seeing him (she has little interest anyway), but I will no longer cancel plans, rearrange appointments or go out of my way for her.

This year she is making a huge deal about us coming over for dinner, interesting as we will (hopefully) have a new bundle with us. The last time she called to our house was 3 years ago, we're never invited to hers (it is STRICTLY invite only) and she never comes for dinners out, birthday's etc. although I do not like her I will always make sure she knows what's happening and when, she just never shows up.

My dilemma is this; I cannot spend another xmas around that woman. She is snide, cruel and vindictive and always tries to turn any grievance with her behaviour into your issue. I am happy for DH to go and bring DS with him if he wishes but I just can't face her. How do I explain this in a calm and constructive manner without opening old wounds and dragging the past up? She is still his mother and I don't want any bad feeling or to stress either of us out. Am I better off to just go and keep the "peace"? AIBU? Help!

OP posts:
Laineymc7 · 13/12/2016 16:21

I really wouldn't even consider going. You'll
Have a shit time. If your son doesn't like her it will spoil his day too. Politely decline and say you have plans as a family and enjoy your day. She had her chance. X

MarjorieSimpson · 13/12/2016 16:22

Féroé knowing what to say to your DH, you need to decide whether him going with your ds wo you is appropriate or not.
In particular,

  • wha t is she going to say about you when you arent there?
  • will she see that as a victory on her side and will then push for more again and again
  • do you really want your ur ds to spend Christmas with someone he doesn't like whilst you are on your own

For any other occasion, I would have said, yes your DH goes, with youR ds. For Christmas? Nope sorry. Christmas is a day to spend together as a family, not you on your own to keep the peace again with your MIL.

PeppaPigTastesLikeBacon · 13/12/2016 16:24

You kicked yourself last time for going. Why is this even being considered? Spend time with who YOU and DH want to spend it with and not with who summons you to theirs

Soubriquet · 13/12/2016 16:27

Don't go

Stay home with you, new baby and ds

If your Dh wants to go, he goes alone

I'm gobsmacked he never stood up for you

DinosaursRoar · 13/12/2016 16:41

Another one saying stay home - if your DH wants to go, fine but the DCs stay with you - they shouldn't be exposed without you there for the first meeting with her.

If you think it is an olive branch, perhaps say that you have plans Christmas day (most people do this close!) but she's welcome to your house on Boxing Day/27th/some other day over the holidays you are free. That way if she's hard work your DC1 can go play in their room, it's not the big day of Christmas she's ruining etc. Chances are, she just wants 'big family photo' with the new baby / show off new baby to extended family and doesn't really give a shit about any of you, so will decline offer. That way you can know you've tried.

ElfontheShelfIsWATCHINGYOUTOO · 13/12/2016 16:43

How do I explain this in a calm and constructive manner without opening old wounds and dragging the past up?

Opening UP whose old wounds, it was you after all who was attacked and in such an horrific manner without the added cruelty of your sons condition.

Are YOU afraid of opening up your old wounds or whose? Because it sounds to me like you have low self esteem. Not many marriages would have survived what you went through with nothing from the DH,

I had similar op, perhaps worse and my DH stood by me and stuck up for me, agaisnt very aggressive hard cold parents. If he hadnt I would simply not be with him today.

I wonder if Relate would be a good idea? They would help you and your DH put up boundaries.

FlappysMammyAndPopeInExile · 13/12/2016 16:44

I'm all for forgiveness etc,

Same here - I'm a practising Christian - forgive* any and everything - BUT never set yourself up for a repeat performance of abuse!

And certainly don't subject your children to it.

*I also believe that forgiveness is a process - not a switch we put "on" or "off" and it takes time, and that it requires repentance on the other person's behalf. Otherwise you can't truly forgive, you can just let go of the hurt,

But either way - you are not on earth to be a doormat. If I were you I wouldn't go, I wouldn't allow my child/ren to go, and if DH went, I would know where I stood . . .

OnTheUp13 · 13/12/2016 16:46

My MIL does the whole you're not family thing. Not a single picture of any wives/husbands/partners in her house.

Baylisiana · 13/12/2016 16:47

I am usually putting the case for grandparents and inlaws, not this time.

I would personally not go and go virtually nc with her as far as the children are concerned. Remember you are not preventing her seeing them, she is. How hard would it have been, if she wanted a relationship with them, to be basically polite and welcoming to their mother? She wouldn't do it, expressing her dislike of you was more important to her. This is on her. Just replay saying no, you will only have time to see family over Christmas, and the children will obviosuly be with you. Your DH better back you up fast on this.

FlappysMammyAndPopeInExile · 13/12/2016 16:59

As a PP has suggested - keep it civilised. Thank her, but you have already decided to have a "family" Christmas, and that she is welcome to come round on Boxing Day.

She can spin that however the hell she likes with the rest of the "family" - let her knock herself out - YOU are not going to get drawn into her games.

Mrskeats · 13/12/2016 16:59

Op you are clearly a lot kinder and nicer than me; I wouldn't even be considering going.
Why are you 'not family' out of interest?
I echo others in saying your DH needs to step up and support you.
My ex MIL was awful so you have my sympathy.

FlappysMammyAndPopeInExile · 13/12/2016 17:06

Personally, I would probably poison her panettone make her coldly welcome in my home.

CondensedMilkSarnies · 13/12/2016 17:11

Op you are clearly a lot kinder and nicer than me; I wouldn't even be considering going.

I think this is a big factor in these toxic relationships . One side (the Op) is a decent person and it doesn't seem possible that a person (MIL) can be so spiteful and so is willing to assume that they have changed and are genuine in offering an olive branch. The trouble is these people will never change and so round and round you go .

Op get off the merry go round for your own sanity.

Underthemoonlight · 13/12/2016 17:16

Op my ex's mum was excately the same me and his aunt ( not related by blood) were excused from the family photo. They were a horrid family. I have zero to do with them
I won't even acknowledge there existence they are that vile

Rainydayspending · 13/12/2016 17:18

Use her own words. As she/ you made clear: Family Christmas so you're welcome on " insert day and time - keep it short and sweet too. Eg mince pies and drinks on x day.
Olive branches (the genuine ones) are not intrusive into what is already a stressful time of year.

Aeroflotgirl · 13/12/2016 17:36

You have a dh problem here, he should be supporting you and have your back! I would read him the riot act. No stay at home with your little family, She sounds like toxic hell. There is no good way of putting it. Sorry were have a fantastic Christmas at ours. Scan go and see her later if he wishes. I would personally go non contact with her.

Aeroflotgirl · 13/12/2016 17:37

Don't out yourself through that. Just tell her well I am not family we will be having our own family Christmas at home. It will be hell for you. No photos, presents, you will be treated like crap!

OurMiracle1106 · 13/12/2016 17:41

Explain that as Christmas is a time for family and she has made it perfectly clear she doesn't consider you as family you feel You would rather not go

HairyScaryMonster · 13/12/2016 18:22

Just say we're spending Christmas Day at home as a family, but happy to pop round on Boxing Day.

BabySnores · 14/12/2016 08:58

Yabu to go to Mil and ruin your Christmas, yours son's and your new baby's.

I'd sort out my own plans and hope she gets so angry at you refusing that she goes nc.

I'm disgusted at your dh for allowing her to act this way. He's enabling and condoning it and being a bad partner to not stand up for you. He's also showing you son that it's ok to treat his mum badly.

Equally you need to be assertive and stand up for yourself and your little ones.

She sounds like a cunt to be frank op, she doesn't deserve your consideration.

Original poster
Ashgr0ve · 12/07/2018 16:39

It's been a year and a half, but this thread started it all so it's only fair that I come back and update.

I must admit at the time I was quite upset at all the posters pointing out that I had a DH problem. Well, you were right, I did, much worse than I fully realised at the time. DS and I did not go to Christmas dinner, we went to my mum's, he stayed the day with MIL and then we did the usual dance when he got back. I told him how upset I was that he didn't spend the day with me and DS, he told me he'd thump me if I didn't shut up. Nothing he hadn't threatened or done before, but MN opened my eyes, this wasn't right. I had a DH problem.

It took me another year but we eventually left, went to court and he has been removed form the house and now lives in one of STBEXMIL house's.

So thank you, it took me a while, and I was irrationally angry and upset on anonymous posters seeing straight away what I had spent so long hiding from myself. He's still taking me to court every 5mins, but me and both DS's are safe and happier than we have been in years!

Thank you Flowers

OP posts:
Booboobooboo84 · 12/07/2018 16:47

Well done on doing the right thing by you and your little family. I hope your proud of everything you’ve achieved- you should be.

agedknees · 12/07/2018 16:52

Good for you. Live a happy life now.

Osirus · 12/07/2018 16:53

Great update - we’ll rid of her. It’s a shame you have to put up with him still.

Extravagant · 12/07/2018 18:20

“Sorry MIL, we want to spend Christmas with just our family this year”.

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