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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU Should I just bite the bullet and go to the MIL?

111 replies

Ashgr0ve · 12/12/2016 22:29

I'm sure you can all guess where this is going, but a brief history first. My DH and I have been together for over 13 years, living together for 10, married last year, DS is 5 this xmas, you get the idea, this isn't a flash in the pan!

My MIL never had much interest in me until DH and I showed no signs of ending our relationshop. Then she took an interest, and not a good one. Up until 4 years ago I did everything I could to gain favour, obviously unsuccessfully or I wouldn't be here!

When our son was born he was very unwell, (we spend a lot of time in the stroke clinic), his first xmas was spent in hospital. His first xmas (and birthday) out was so special and everyone wanted to be with him. We went to MIL house, (I spoke to my own mum at length, she knew I wanted this relationship to work) and that was the day that changed everything. I was told repeatedly that I was not family, that I wouldn't be included in pictures, presents etc. DH did nothing and this caused a lot of stress for us as well. To look back you would not know for one second that i was in tbe house. My son's first xmas was ruined, I look back and kick myself for letting it go as far as it did but hindsight is a fantastic thing. After that I made no special effort for her. I have never stopped her seeing him (she has little interest anyway), but I will no longer cancel plans, rearrange appointments or go out of my way for her.

This year she is making a huge deal about us coming over for dinner, interesting as we will (hopefully) have a new bundle with us. The last time she called to our house was 3 years ago, we're never invited to hers (it is STRICTLY invite only) and she never comes for dinners out, birthday's etc. although I do not like her I will always make sure she knows what's happening and when, she just never shows up.

My dilemma is this; I cannot spend another xmas around that woman. She is snide, cruel and vindictive and always tries to turn any grievance with her behaviour into your issue. I am happy for DH to go and bring DS with him if he wishes but I just can't face her. How do I explain this in a calm and constructive manner without opening old wounds and dragging the past up? She is still his mother and I don't want any bad feeling or to stress either of us out. Am I better off to just go and keep the "peace"? AIBU? Help!

OP posts:
Astro55 · 12/12/2016 23:34

As a adult you get to decide where you spend Christmas - if DH wants to go to him mothers let him - then say where your going

You could say darling I'd love Christmas at home with just us and the new baby - but if you chose to go to MIL in taking the kids to DM/best friends etc

It's an invite not a summons

cakedup · 12/12/2016 23:42

I think you are being far too gracious. I would not entertain the likes of that woman for a minute and would not want my kids to be around her either to be honest.

It's not up to you to 'keep the peace' because you're not the peace sabotager, she is. It's not your problem, it's her problem. You need to make your boundaries clear to DH (when you've established them!) and perhaps he might even respect you for it!

capricorn12 · 12/12/2016 23:59

Not a chance I'd be going , she'd probably put you on separate table outside. You sound like you've been far too nice about it all and DH has been useless. It may be an olive branch but you can bet it's got barbed wire wrapped round it, steer clear and enjoy your family.

fatowl · 13/12/2016 04:56

I was always "not family", even after 24 years of marriage.

It won't get better.

I spent years trying to build a relationship, inviting her to school events, sunday dinners, christmas.
She never forgave me for 'stealing' Christmas of her when DH said (after a joint agreement with me) that we would host one year as the kids were little and we wanted them to enjoy the day in their own house. She was invited for the whole day, and I would drive her home. Cats bum face all day.

My Dh saw it though, and supported me.
She was distant with all her DDs (SILs) partners as well. She sees DH and SIL as 'family', FIL died in 2002. Extended family- aunts cousins etc are there to impress and show off to. She just about accepted DD1 (at 21) as "family".
She doesn't have friends, only distant aquaintances, because she has never opened up and got to know people. She is naturally distant to anyone who isn't 'family'.

SIL isn't interested in her despite living nearby, and we live overseas now. She's lonely and bitter with a few church aquaintances but no friends, no extended family to rely on. It's sad really- she has five grandchildren. None of them really know her, DD21 phones her occasionally because she feels sorry for her.

Flum · 13/12/2016 05:50

Tricky one, without knowing how bad it really is I think I woudl try to bite the bullet and go.mthen 'kill her with kindness' eg lively generous gift, lots of compliments on house decs and cooking. Keep smiling. Try not to rise to snide comments. Do your best. Pretend you are the queen on royal trip!

HardLightHologram · 13/12/2016 06:06

Is there any reason you wouldn't say 'you were a collossal bitch to me last time and ruined Christmas, are you taking the piss by inviting us again?'

Crazycatlady123 · 13/12/2016 06:25

She's a cunt. Can't believe she treated you that way, so cruel. Do yourself a favour and don't go, and protect yourself from more pain from this insufferable woman. Don't feel guilty Flowers

DartmoorDoughnut · 13/12/2016 06:42

Fuck that, you and kids stay at home. Time for DH to choose which family is more important!

eurochick · 13/12/2016 06:48

Why would you do that? You know what is going to happen. It sounds like you will have a very newborn baby by then. Use that as a reason to stay home and tell your husband to grow some balls!

Mindtrope · 13/12/2016 06:52

When you say " hopefully a new bundle" does that mean you are due a new baby around christmas time?
In which case you will either be heavily pregnant or have a very young baby.

In either case a perfect reason to stay home.

bloodymaria · 13/12/2016 06:57

Obviously you can't go. What you're husband decides to do will be enormously telling of his priorities.

bloodymaria · 13/12/2016 06:58

*your dammit!

blueturtle6 · 13/12/2016 07:02

Nope don't go and tell her exactly.why. I'm all for forgiveness etc, but Christmas with a new born isn't the right time.

SoupDragon · 13/12/2016 07:09

What would you plan doing instead? If you would go to your mothers, in the interest of diplomacy could you dress it up as your mother having her turn at a "first Christmas"?

AuntieStella · 13/12/2016 07:12

At Christmas with a newborn, visit someone who describes you as 'not family'?

Hell, no (and I usually post from the standpoint of someone who tries to find the way to smooth things over, and just put up with family whether goo, bad or odd).

Explain to DH that she made it clear that you are not family. Christmas is a time for families. You are not going, so newborn can't, and you don't want older DC to go either.

If your DM is properly welcoming of all your family, no reason not to visit her.

Agree that your DH needs to deal with this. How does he see the situation?

crazyoldc4tlady · 13/12/2016 07:17

I think you are far too soft. Your mil sounds vile but your DH doesn't sound any better. i would expect my DH to support you but he did the opposite.

I would not go and probably not send DS either. you don't have to explain yourself to them.

how is your relationship with DH? He sounds anything but nice and supportive.

HistoriaTrixie · 13/12/2016 07:28

Okay no, just no. Your DS dislikes her; don't send him over there for a horrid Christmas with his Dad who can't or won't stand up to his mother.

Tbf, you really have just as much a DH problem as you do a MIL problem. She sounds a fright, but you, your DH and your DC are obviously a family and she was atrocious to say and act as though you aren't. He should have pulled her up RIGHT away on that 'not family' silliness and gathered you and DC up and left when she continued it. If it were me, I'd keep your DS (AND your bundle - here's hoping!) home for the holiday, or spend it with your Mum. DH as an adult is of course free to go if he feels like he must but I think some serious discussion is called for regarding standing up to his Mum for you.

nanny3 · 13/12/2016 07:36

visit your own mum leave that vile woman to pick on someone else if your dh goes tell him to stay there

HaveNoSocks · 13/12/2016 07:37

I think you should just tell your DH what you said here. You'll have just had a new baby and you're still upset from being treated so terribly last time so you're not prepared to put yourself through it again. Especially since he didn't stand up for you all those years ago!

JustSpeakSense · 13/12/2016 07:43

Just say to your DH that you would prefer to stay at home with your immediate family this Christmas, that you will have a new born and probably be hormonal and tired. After the last Christmas with them was such a disaster, I doubt even DH wants that scenario repeated.

Ineedmorelemonpledge · 13/12/2016 07:43

You won't be able to go, because you're having Christmas with your family. Your DH and your DCs.

Don't ruin memories and experiences of Christmas to placate this woman.

Your DH needs to remember his wedding vows - forsaking all others. When you take a husband or a wife they become the priority in life. He can go round alone on Boxing Day, can't he??

Sorry to hear your DS was poorly. Take the learning curve that life is precious and special occasions shouldn't be sacrificed on needlessly unpleasant situations.

Qwertie · 13/12/2016 07:45

No OP, you shouldn't go and I guess that you have been protecting your DH & MIL. Let your DH know how you feel and that you are no longer prepared to be treated in this way. Then stop covering for them; I imagine that you may have told your own family about some of this, but tell them with DH in the room. Don't cover for him if Xmas comes up in conversation with friends, tell them with DH next to you. Also with MIL in the room when possible. If DH confronts you about embarrassing him; point out that he should be embarrassed and he has had plenty of time to not accept this behaviour. This is what you not putting up with it anymore looks like. None of you should comply with your mil latest order. Yanbu

teaandakitkat · 13/12/2016 07:48

She told you you weren't family and were not included in photos or presents- that's beyond rude. It would be a cold day in hell before I would go back there on a special day.

Longtalljosie · 13/12/2016 07:48

What about your family? Is it not their turn anyway?

shovetheholly · 13/12/2016 07:49

Two classic Mumsnet phrases spring to mind:

  1. No is a complete sentence. You do not have to justify not being present at your MIL's this Christmas. You can simply say no, it's not possible and keep repeating it. Justification can only lead to a row with her, which is not going to be constructive for you.
  1. You have a DH problem. Your husband should be the one fronting this up. He should be managing the boundary between his family and his parents. He needs to learn to say no to them.
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