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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mum has announced its time for me to host Christmas.

405 replies

torroloco · 12/12/2016 07:32

Apparently she has had enough and she "goes to all that effort just for us to fuck off on Boxing day". Both me, my brother and my Dad work- Dad and brother are working boxing day, I go back to work on the 27th but as I have a 3hr trip to get home I will be leaving early boxing day so i have time to get home and pack as im off on holiday with the family I work for.

Also, apparently because im 27 now I can host. The plan according to her is for the 3 of them to drive to mine in the morning and leave after Xmas dinner. To a tiny 1 bedroom flat with broken central heating (i highly doubt my LL will pull his finger out to get it sorted in time) and a tiny, unreliable oven.

WIBU to go and celebrate Xmas with them when im off for 3 days just before and then spend Xmas day alone eating shit and watching boxsets ?

I love my mother dearly but im starting to think shes batshit crazy Grin

OP posts:
PleaseNotTrump · 12/12/2016 09:47

Could your mum cook and bring the turkey and you do the rest? You can buy most if it preprepared anyhow. If you have a microwave too you'll be fine.

corythatwas · 12/12/2016 09:47

as a foreigner, could someone explain to me why doing a Christmas dinner is regarded as such a slog?

isn't it just a roast dinner with (usually) a bought pudding and some starters? not much more than what you might do for an ordinary Sunday dinner/dinner party?

dh does one for my family every year, but it seems like a very easy ride compared to the cooking the rest of us do during that part of the year? is he doing it wrong?

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 12/12/2016 09:48

And we know that her DF and DB have learning difficulties because?

GrinGrin

SilentBatperson · 12/12/2016 09:48

People seem to be offering a lot of solutions that are heavily reliant on what's already been described as an unreliable oven. Wouldn't care to be putting my Christmas eggs in that basket, personally. I know people have emotional attachments to traditional foodstuffs around important festivals, that's pretty standard behaviour for humans, but it might not actually be possible.

corythatwas · 12/12/2016 09:48

Totally understand why the OP can't do it, of course: if you don't have the oven, you don't have the oven.

Saltedcaramel2016 · 12/12/2016 09:50

It sounds a bit strange that she would rather travel 6 hours than host it at hers!!!

I would humour her this time and next time I am sure she will be desperate to hold it at hers again! If the heating isn't working invest in an electric fan heater thing. Cook the nicest meal you can with what you have, ie if you only have a hob do steaks as someone suggested. Maybe a starter involving no cooking with prawns or smoked salmon. Then a pudding also involving no cooking like chocolate mousse or trifle.

It doesn't sound like you are invited to the pre Christmas bit if she doesn't want to host.

Suggest that your brother cooks next year at theirs and your Dad the year after!!!

DailyFail1 · 12/12/2016 09:51

I have always hosted christmas for parents and siblings and dh's family too! For 5 years dh and I had over 18 people in a 1 bed flat - a full on 'Indian christmas dinner' so nearly everyone had to have a different dish and people used to be everywhere (kitchen, hall, bedroom). Wasn't my choice but the alternative would have meant a lot of work for either mil or mum, so I stepped in before they had to ask. I think that's the problem. She had to ask you to do this rather than you realise on your own a couple of years ago.

woodhill · 12/12/2016 09:52

Starters don't happen here.

I think it's all the extra crap people like plus the supermarkets are so awful beforehand. It's cold, expensive etc

You make a fair point though Corey

CorkieD · 12/12/2016 09:52

I think the OP should go for it.

Don't do a roast dinner; the meal does not need to be traditional Christmas fayre. A meal that doesn't require an oven, steak or a stir fry, would be great presuming the hob was working okay. Also suggest beforehand that guests wear woolly Christmas jumpers. Insist that your Dad and brother help and do the washing up afterwards.

ElfontheShelfIsWATCHINGYOUTOO · 12/12/2016 09:55

woolly jumpers and bring hot water bottles.

Op I have had xmas in so many different places from very grand to extremely humble all good in their own different ways but in a cramped teeny kitchen crammed around a table was probably the best! its not the surroundings, its just the fun when there, can you do party games, have good music...

disgusting on your LL by the way Angry

MrsFrisbyMouse · 12/12/2016 09:55

OP - it sounds to me like your Mum has a problem with you in particular. You mentioned that you don't see her as much as you used to? Is this a reaction to you saying you are leaving early boxing day?

Maybe she is just missing you and this is how she is expressing her frustration with the situation.

Call her. Tell her you're happy to host Christmas is that's what she really wants. That it might end up being a bit rough and tumble, but it's just important that you're all together.

Or offer to stay with her on Boxing Day. (pack before you leave for Christmas) and spend the day together.

I think she is feeling left out of your life, and by pushing the hosting onto you, she is trying to make you see how valuable she is to you and how much she does for you. Listen to her.

GloriaGaynor · 12/12/2016 09:55

Jesus. And people claim that it's feminists who have a low opinion of men.

Er no, it's not 'people' who claim feminists have a low opinion of men but the unintelligent or the uneducated.

There are plenty of men who can cook. But if the father and brother were good cooks why hasn't OP's mother asked them to do the meal rather than the OP? Don't you think it likely there's a reason she hasn't asked them?

CorkieD · 12/12/2016 09:56

Christmas fare (not fayre)

Damselindestress · 12/12/2016 09:57

I think it's far too late to change plans now, if she wanted this she should've discussed it in advance. I'm really disorganised but even I know what I'm doing for Christmas, there's only two weeks to go! She can refuse to host but she can't obligate you to do so instead, you need to stand up to her and explain it's simply not practical. Is a compromise like going out for a pub lunch possible? Although I don't know if they are all booked up now. Then make a plan in advance for next year if she doesn't want to host. Sounds like she has some resentment about the way things have been handled in the past but dumping this on you at the last minute isn't the way to deal with it.

mirokarikovo · 12/12/2016 09:59

It's fair enough that she doesn't want to host but she can't make you host. For a start, if you were going to host you would presumably have booked a supermarket delivery slot back in October!

If you cave and agree to host - and that might be the easiest thing for a quiet life - tailor the quantity of food to what you can reasonably cook without getting stressed. Get M&S preprepared stuff if you can afford it. It's OK to be stingy on the amounts of food and booze. If you are generous and there's nothing for them to complain about they will try it again next year.

Good phrase to say a number of times to ensure it sinks in - "I'll be happy to host again when it's next my turn - I'm looking forward to Dad's turn and Brother's turn before that though"

PlumsGalore · 12/12/2016 10:00

To be honest the heating isn't an issue. Four people in a tiny one bedroomed flat with a tony oven and four burners going will be plenty warm enough. Our heating is always switched off Christmas Day, not needed. Anyway, sounds like an excuse, you have two weeks until Christmas for the landlord to sort it, he cannot realistically expect you to have no heating at all in December for weeks on end.

I am with other posters:

  1. Go our for lunch or
  2. Buy as much ready prepared as possible and ask for your parents to bring dessert and ask your brother to contribute financially to the main.

There are only going to 4 of you, not 14.

GeorgiePeachie · 12/12/2016 10:04

MY sister and I are 25 and 29, we're hosting Christmas this year. age is nothing to do with it imo. We're ready to make christmas how WE like it not on our parents' terms.

SilentBatperson · 12/12/2016 10:05

I think that's the problem. She had to ask you to do this rather than you realise on your own a couple of years ago.

You don't think the problem is the unreliable oven, then? Or the failure of both the dad and brother to realise that perhaps they could get off their arses and do Christmas for the family, without the mother having to do a 6 hour round trip for the privilege of getting a break?

To be honest the heating isn't an issue. Four people in a tiny one bedroomed flat with a tony oven and four burners going will be plenty warm enough.

Best hope the oven decides to work that day, then!

Personally I agree about going out, that's the obvious solution, except two weeks before Christmas options are going to be limited. Which is why OPs mum was BU to spring this on everyone now.

ToastDemon · 12/12/2016 10:06

I'm another one that is a bit bemused that the husband and brother seem to be getting a free pass to do fuck all.
Plus since when can someone order you to host if you don't want to? People are posting as if the mother's request is legally binding or something.

Nonagoninfinity · 12/12/2016 10:07

We used to have a small cold flat (with night storage heaters that gradually cooled down just when you needed them). We also had to plug our oven door with tea towels to keep the heat in! We still hosted a lovely Christmas as my mum kindly offered to cook the turkey and bought it round with her while we did the rest. I don't know why that would equal a miserable Christmas - we had a fun day and I look back on it now with very fond memories.

Judydreamsofhorses · 12/12/2016 10:08

I think your mum is perfectly reasonable to want a break, but dropping this on you at such short notice is nonsense.

JoffreyBaratheon · 12/12/2016 10:08

Make her see reason re you cooking it and doing all the work (dad and brother know how to wash up, right?) in her kitchen...

I've got a 27 year old son and wouldn't dream of having xmas in his flat. Enjoy our tradition of all being together at home, too much.

shovetheholly · 12/12/2016 10:12

cory - I think everyone does it differently, but Christmas dinner here is definitely not another roast! It means a homemade starter then a veggie main made from scratch (this takes ages), roast potatoes, parsnips and carrots (all done separately with different glazes/spices), sprouts fried with veggie bacon, cauli cheese, braised cabbage, yorkshire pudding, homemade stuffing, celeriac puree, sweet potato puree and then some peas for good measure. It's like cooking for 20 people!

OP: your Mum sounds fed up with the fact that you're only together for a short while. I don't think this is about hosting, but about having a moan about this. It sounds like she simply doesn't understand that pressures of work and modern life mean you can't be around for 2 solid weeks any more. We get this too. I would go out for dinner and focus on having as nice a time as you can together in the circumstances. If she's determined to be miserable, she's determined to be miserable.

ifonly4 · 12/12/2016 10:12

Firstly, you don't have to host if you really don't want to. Having said that, maybe your Mum has got fed up of feeling she's the one who always had to plan and mainly cook the meal.

The first Christmas after I moved into my flat I couldn't wait to invite my parents - admittedly they weren't staying overnight as lived locally. The flat had one night storage heater, so thinking back maybe they weren't warm. I didn't have an oven either, so we didn't have a traditional xmas lunch, it was what I could cook in the microwave. Maybe it wasn't the best xmas for them, but it was the only xmas I got to invite my Dad before he passed away.

MerryMarigold · 12/12/2016 10:12

I'm 43 and never done xmas dinner. We go to my parents as there is more space. We provide some of the food (last year the turkey) and help to cook it all/ entertain the kids.

For the 'foreigner' asking about why Christmas dinner is more hassle. We have:

  • roast turkey (it takes a very long time to cook)
  • ham
  • roast pots
  • bread sauce
  • 4 veg (sprouts, carrots, peas, roast parsnips)
  • spiced red cabbage
  • 3 stuffings (chestnut, sausagemeat and sage n onion)
  • pigs in blankets
  • cranberry sauce

Maybe we are just pigs!