Mum has announced its time for me to host Christmas.

[torroloco]

Apparently she has had enough and she "goes to all that effort just for us to fuck off on Boxing day". Both me, my brother and my Dad work- Dad and brother are working boxing day, I go back to work on the 27th but as I have a 3hr trip to get home I will be leaving early boxing day so i have time to get home and pack as im off on holiday with the family I work for.

Also, apparently because im 27 now I can host. The plan according to her is for the 3 of them to drive to mine in the morning and leave after Xmas dinner. To a tiny 1 bedroom flat with broken central heating (i highly doubt my LL will pull his finger out to get it sorted in time) and a tiny, unreliable oven.

WIBU to go and celebrate Xmas with them when im off for 3 days just before and then spend Xmas day alone eating shit and watching boxsets ?

I love my mother dearly but im starting to think shes batshit crazy

It can honestly be so much work organising - thinking, planning, shopping, cleaning the house, feeding people for the other meals around christmas. I have had quite a few years of going incandescent with fury at how ungrateful my family and in laws have been. I'm ok now, because I do exactly what I want and nothing else. I wonder what her idea of a nice christmas would be?

I don't blame your mum. The only mistake she's made is dropping this on you now.

I have my ILs and my own mum and dad and every so often sister and family (three of them), and occasionally BIL too.

Meanwhile my brother goes to his wife's family's year in year out. Me and my sister are pretty pissed off and resentful at this point (especially since this Christmas I have to ask MIL if she will invite my parents because we are going to her as our kitchen is being renovated) but I realise that I need to talk to him about how we are going to manage going forward. He's an adult (he's almost 40 ffs)., and I think as adult children we should all pick up the slack.

The same applies to you. If your flat is too small or your oven doesn't work or whatever, then you have a conversation about what Christmas Day is going to look like when it's your turn. Whether that's going out, or having something less elaborate than the full dinner. Communication is the thing.

Ring up your mum, say you would love to host, but that your flat is woefully inadequate for the task, and ask her what she wants to happen. She is fed up with hosting, and she deserves a break, so ask her what else you can do.
Can you all get a last minute booking and stay in a hotel, and all get spoilt?

She doesn't have a reliable cooker! The mother does not want to have it at her place at all!

So you go out and you tell them all you'll be doing your own thing.

It's one sodding day, no different from any other day except everyone expects a roast.

Do it at your flat but do it your way. You don't need to cook a huge turkey - get a ready stuffed crown from one of the supermarkets. As you are going away straight after Christmas you won't want lots of leftovers anyway. Also, you can buy just about everything else ready prepared and just heat it up. Do you have a microwave as well as your oven?

A roast doesn't have to be a huge effort though

Can you offer to cook at hers?
We are going to my parents but I'll sort Xmas eve dinner, do a fish for main course, I'll do dessert, I'll take wine,beer, champagne, cheese, biscuits, some fruit and dips, I'll clean and do dishes.

expatinscotland, the OP could be living in a cardboard box, heating up tins of beans on a makeshift cooker and some would still be saying she's being unreasonable.

To be honest, if my family were insisting on coming over toy flat for Xmas in the same circumstances, I wouldn't be cooking all the trimmings. You don't need a big roast to make Xmas, so that could be a compromise. Lots of chocolate, hot drinks and jumpers, at least all the family will be together.

If you and your brother do all the shopping, cooking and clearing up then maybe that will be a good compromise this year? You may have to drive home later on Boxing Day, but if you pack before Christmas that should be no problem.

CANCEL THE CHEQUE!

THE MOTHER DOES NOT WANT IT AT HERS FULL STOP! THAT'S NOT AN OPTION.

It's pretty hard to do a roast when you don't have a reliable oven!

I was hosting Christmas from age 25 in an extremely cramped flat (and since they had to travel to another country, we put both my parents in our double bed while DH and I took the sofa).

We had to remove some of our furniture and leave it with a friend for 3 days just to fit everyone in! We still laugh about it now... There weren't even enough seats for everyone!

It's possible to "do" Christmas without a huge meal. Order in tons of curry, or if you are truly set on a traditional meal, lots can be done beforehand (all sauces, dessert, veggies can be reheated either in micro or oven - don't put roast tatties in micro though!)... Or just do a mini version?

Your options are either to do something your own way, or not to see your family on Christmas Day (since your mum won't accept visitors).

However, I'd be most worried about the way this has come about - there seems to be lots of passive-aggressiveness and resentment; you're unlikely to have a nice Christmas without a bit more positivity. Can you call your Mum today for a chat about why she feels this way and really be ready to LISTEN to what she says? You obviously feel hard-done-by and I can see why, but there might be things you've not considered.

I think YABU.

Give it a go this year, make the most of M&S pre-prepared food, you might find you enjoy the experience.

Give your poor Mum a break - you sound rather spoiled and entitled.

I think the mother is being unreasonable dumping it on the OP at short notice. The OP sounds like the only one who actually provides any help each year while the dad and brother sit and eat. Why can't they do the whole thing at home and let OP and mum rest? It's not like having the OP there creates that much extra work otherwise given that brother lives there - one bed to change (OP could take her own sheets and take them home after?) & towels. If I was OP I'd say I'd do my own Christmas thanks & forego the turkey for a year. If OP's mum will have her there before Xmas then go and see them then but otherwise cancel it.

Well if your mum has refused to host, you can do the same!

By all means see them before Christmas if it works.

"as I have a 3hr trip to get home I will be leaving early boxing day so i have time to get home and pack as im off on holiday with the family I work for. "

That made me think that your mum has a point though!

Grumpy, gosh, yes so spoiled with her broken cooker and no heating. Her mother should be treated to the same on Christmas Day, after years of hosting in a cosy home .

Ok torro I think I misunderstood the reasons for your frustration in your first post.

If they come to yours you do it your way you know so if you order a takeaway so be it. Or ask them to bring the turkey cooked? It's not s big job to cook a roast turkey on its own.

You won't get a restaurant booking now unless you're very very lucky (or unlucky!)

Where does your brother live?

I'd tell her she has a point but as heating not working and oven unrealiable why don't you all book some place for dinner?

As for takeaway, if you live in a flat without a working heater and a shite oven, I doubt you're rich to buy a takeaway for 4 adults.

I would guess your mum knows that you can't really have it at your place, but she is just so fed up with it all that she is digging her heels in.

How about you discuss with your other family memebers how you can share the load, you make a plan that involves you doing it all and your mum just relaxing, and then you present it to her? She might change her mind about allowing you to host it at hers if she sees you have understood her position.

If she still doesn't want to, then make the best of it at your place. Don't do a roast but find something you can cook that would work with what you have.

Roast chicken or ham can be fabulous from a slow cooker.

I am 37 and I struggle to be "allowed" to host my parents! I think it's nice that your mum is treating you like a grown up capable of cooking a joint of meat. Behave like one and don't throw your toys out of the pram. It doesn't need to be complicated, it needs to be a lump of meat cooked for 4 people, with cranberry sauce and those sausage in bacon things. Ask your brother to help.

My reservation, as others have said, is that there is an expectation that the women cook and the men just turn up. But give it a couple of years on that and involve your brother. It is a shame it's come about this way with your mum is ordering you about on this but I'm afraid it's fair enough of her to decide she doesn't want to cook after 27 years.

Your mother IS bat shit crazy! She's got a bloody cheek... Tell her you won't be hosting Christmas and that seeing as she's fed up with hosting, you've made alternative plans

It sounds as if something is going on.

Is she depressed? broke? Has an illness she hasn't told you about?

We go to parents but we actually do lol the shopping, cooking and clearing. Stuffing, pigs in blankets and 2 bottles of wine for 2 days festive hosting isn't actually that big a contribution, IMO.

Do you usually get on with her? Can you talk this through in more depth?

What does your Dad think?
A 3 hour journey each way in Chistmas Day sounds bad.

Going up for 3 days before sounds good.

But does your mum want a six hour round trip for Christmas lunch? Do your dad and brother want that?