Mum has announced its time for me to host Christmas.

[torroloco]

Apparently she has had enough and she "goes to all that effort just for us to fuck off on Boxing day". Both me, my brother and my Dad work- Dad and brother are working boxing day, I go back to work on the 27th but as I have a 3hr trip to get home I will be leaving early boxing day so i have time to get home and pack as im off on holiday with the family I work for.

Also, apparently because im 27 now I can host. The plan according to her is for the 3 of them to drive to mine in the morning and leave after Xmas dinner. To a tiny 1 bedroom flat with broken central heating (i highly doubt my LL will pull his finger out to get it sorted in time) and a tiny, unreliable oven.

WIBU to go and celebrate Xmas with them when im off for 3 days just before and then spend Xmas day alone eating shit and watching boxsets ?

I love my mother dearly but im starting to think shes batshit crazy

Your Mum is fed up. I don't blame her, but she did leave it a bit late to say she was fed up. But, just flip the thoughts in your head for a minute. If something happened and you couldn't eat at your parents, what would you do? Probably go to yours right and eat whatever you had?
So, to celebrate together, just host. It's one day, albeit and expensive one.
Get some old fashioned prawn cocktail to start, get a turkey crown and make roasties. Get a couple is vegetable selections (even microwave ones if you have to) and a trike or pudding. Do a click and collect for the days you are off before Christmas.
It's not much different to a Sunday roast if there are only four of you.
When Christmas is over, and you are into the new year (maybe closer to Easter) suggest you all eat out next Christmas and book somewhere early enough to get a place you will all like.

I think you should host it. You can have a lovely time in a small space. Plenty of people do as it's the only option they have.

I think you have probably been guilt if taking your mum for granted and she's finally snapped. 2 bottles of wine, some pigs in blankets, the pudding and some washing up doesn't even put a dent in the time, planning, cost and effort of hosting Christmas.

I think your mum deserves a Christmas "off" and you would be gracious to oblige. Don't worry about replicating the full works, just do your best and everyone will be happy.

*Guilt if = guilty of

thanks for explaining, shove

your celeriac pure sounds brilliant- you wouldn't have a recipe?

dh does actually have to cook for 17, as that's the size of my extended family, but it still seems very little work compared to the hot and cold buffet of home-cooked food and home-baked bread expected of us as Scandinavians. But then again, I suppose the difference is that we all pitch in, whereas the English model seems to be very much about one person in the kitchen (and when somebody like the OP is actually doing her share, nobody notices)

Anyway, I think you are right about the OP's Mum using this to express frustration. I get this a lot: both the feeling that nothing I can do at this short time of year is good enough to compensate for the fact that I have moved away, and the complete failure to understand that most of us have other things to think about in December.

i think your mum does need a year off, although better if she could have let you know more than 2 weeks in advance.

you can still order meat i think. or make a meal that you can comfortably do in your kitchen. fuck the turkey.

or, see if your local pub does a christmas lunch and if they have space for you.

I agree with kewcumber up thread. Have a sensible chat with your Mum. If you are happy to host if push comes to shove (despite bro and Dad being a bit useless) then make the offer but make clear that with a non-functioning oven and no heating it's not going to be roast and trimmings and they'd better bring jumpers.

If it was me and I could get my hands on a slow cooker I'd say I'd do something like a casserole (then you can put all the veggies, meat etc. in one dish and not dependent on the microwave - but otherwise you could do a one-pot casserole on the hob) with peas or beans (microwave or hob) and cous-cous (only kettle needed!) Or just stick potatoes in the casserole with everything else. Pudding could be Christmas pudding microwaved (you could ask them to bring that, given you don't eat pudding). If they are staying for another meal it could really be beans on toast or eggs with soldiers or something (that was always a bit of a Christmas tradition for us growing up if we had the roast at lunchtime!)

I can see why your Mum feels taken for granted. We hosted for the first time last year (I'm 41, so this is a bit shockingly late!): we had 3 separate sets of rellies over on 25th, 26th and 27th. We kept it super-super-simple (roast chicken on 25th, ham on 26th, chicken and ham pie with the leftovers on 27th!) and it was lovely but it was still pretty knackering: as much of anything else it's just thinking of everything, sorting the shopping, offering teas and coffees, making sure there is enough of breakfasts, snacks, etc. It has made me much more focused this year on trying to do more when we go to my Mum & Dads (taking complete responsibility for a couple of meals, etc.)

Sounds like your Mum will probably be quite happy if it's all a bit Heath Robinson at yours because it will hopefully at least stop your Dad and Bro taking her for granted ... just a pity she raised it so late!!

I think you have probably been guilt if taking your mum for granted and she's finally snapped.

The OP says she helps with the food at Christmas. I think her DM spends 52 weeks a year running around after the two men at home whom she's allowed to be useless and yes she's snapped. And now she wants the other woman in the family to take over...

With a dodgy cooker it's likely that if the OP does host it won't match up to expectations (I'd imagine especially to the father and brother) and then the OPs DM will feel like she has to do it all again.

I think that if the OP can rally either her DB or DF, she should. Otherwise as an adult, she could just opt out altogether. My first Christmas in my own home was just me, crap telly, and an oven pizza. Blissful!

Whatever the reasons for your Mum suddenly wanting you to host, I think you should do it with good grace. Either there is something going on that you aren't aware of, or she is resentful and has been hiding it for a while until she snapped.

All will become clear. Be generous of spirit. Basically, you will be calling her bluff by being welcoming, kind, and reciprocating for all those times she has hosted.

Think of it as giving a gift for your relationship. Perhaps she'll open up to you. Do your best with your resources, laugh if it goes a bit wonky, because that isn't what this is all about.

What YorkiesGlasses said! With bells on!

'Get a slow cooker' is becoming the new 'spa day' around here. The op is also expected to have/buy - a microwave, several pans/a casserole pot, space heaters, replace/fix the cooker and buy all the food from M and S. Might as well buy a bigger flat whilst she's at it, from all the 'savings she's making on petrol'....

Not sure about all the people saying it's too short notice to buy Christmas food, I did my online Sainsbury's order last night

Don't blame your mum for having had enough, you sound a bit entitled for being so outraged and 'assuming' without speaking to her properly and finding out what's behind it. The reasons you've give for your flat sound a bit like excuses- as someone said unthread, plenty of people have Christmas in tiny flats with big families and no heating because that's the only choice they have. Presumably she knows your flat situation, maybe that's not as important to her as you think? Talk to your mum.

as a foreigner, could someone explain to me why doing a Christmas dinner is regarded as such a slog?

Expectations external and self imposed and possibly higher numbers of people to cater for.

We tend to keep it simpler than most - I also have a DH who will cook and a child who wants to help and this year wants to cook the joint - she has done roast dinners before.

If we did have family over - they'd expect a bigger meal with more trimmings. We get grief now they don't come over that we don't have turkey that we don't have Christmas pud after a hugh meal - that we don't do all the extra and that we buy in a lot of pre-prepared stuff rather than do it from scratch.

We keep it simple and spend time with our kids Christmas morning- both our parents had words or all out rows about Christmas meal and in both cases FIL and Dad did it some years.

Oddly both DH and I would have liked to have Christmas dinner or day to ourselves before we did - our parents seemed to hate hosting and yet also not want to give it up.

I'd talk with your mother OP - see if she really wants to drive Christmas morning and you host. If you do stay home - there loads of quick stuff about or cold things to do a nice meal. I suspect from what you say she is a bit frustrated she spends one day with you all not working rushing around cooking - perhaps you can work out ways round this or stay home and do your own thing this year.

cory - Yes, it can get quite proprietorial about who is 'in charge' of the kitchen! I guess we Brits are living up to national stereotypes of being individualistic and uncooperative compared to the Scandinavian model!

The puree is dead easy - just trim and dice the celeriac and boil until it's really, really soft. Put it through a fine sieve.* Rinse the pan, melt 50ml of butter until it goes nutty, allow to cool a little and add 100ml of cream, salt and pepper. Mix the two together.

• I have managed to come up with a lazy tech-fix for this bit: the Kenwood triblade hand blender has got a mashing attachment that produces silky smooth results so I take the celeriac, add the pan of cream and butter, and then buzz it all together!

I sometimes add a splash of liquid smoke too, just to give it a bit of a 'wood fire' feel.

Thanks, shove- I'll make that, sounds delicious.

Interesting what you said about proprietorial. To me, unlike MrsWhite, there wouldn't be any kind of contradiction between cooking lots of food and wanting to spend time with the family- in my childhood, the two always went together. Preparing food was how you spent time together. Different traditions? Size of kitchen?

I'm with expat
I think your mother is wanting you to run round after brother and husband.
I'd be having a very pointed chat.

I hope the ll fixes your heating btw, I do hate there's not better regulation around this. A mate had to stay with me in a one bed flat for three weeks in that snowy winter -2010? - because her ll wouldn't sort, I nearly slapped him when I met him.

Give them one of these each, leave the heating off and make your DB clear up.

It's not the hosting, it's the demanding that makes it unacceptable.

I was about to say pretty much what Yorkie said. Your mum has most likely spent the whole year running around after your DF and DB and has finally had enough. Then, to add insult to injury, you basically turn up at Christmas and eat and run.

To be fair to you, it is really short notice, and not exactly ideal, but I can totally sympathise with your mum. Christmas is bloody hard work, not least, because expectations are so high. I suspect that you're taking the brunt of your mother's frustration at her situation in general. Your DF and DB need to start pulling their bloody fingers out and realise that having male genitalia does not give them carte blanche to behave like entitled twats! Your mother also needs to change her way of thinking, and to realise that it's okay to ask men to do 'women's work'

My mum called me the other day to rave about the first roast that my brother had cooked. He's 46 ffs!

To me, unlike MrsWhite, there wouldn't be any kind of contradiction between cooking lots of food and wanting to spend time with the family- in my childhood, the two always went together. Preparing food was how you spent time together. Different traditions? Size of kitchen?

We have a kitchen dinner - or last house something similar kitchen opening into another room so our children are often around when we cook this is true especially Christmas day.

My IL have a tiny kitchen so you are very much off on your own cooking but when they are with us they don't hang round they go off into other rooms - so are still away from person cooking.

My parents kitchen in extension bit so off form dinning room - Mum didn't like us round when she was cooking Dad didn't seem to mind as much- though they were more off down one end it wasn't dissimilar set up to our last house. My kids were around me cooking in last house - perhaps as they were younger in that house and closer together in age I liked to keep an eye on them.

Though Both MIL and Mum can be proprietorial around food despite Dad and FIL cooking - their cooking is somehow "special" while DH has always mucks in whether I want it or not - though honestly I'm often very grateful. My children like to sort their own breakfast - I'm fine with that both MIL and Mum think that is terrible parenting .

So honestly I think it a mix of facilities and tradition - though how much one bleeds into another I couldn't say.

With a dodgy cooker it's likely that if the OP does host it won't match up to expectations (I'd imagine especially to the father and brother) and then the OPs DM will feel like she has to do it all again.

Yes, I think this too. Lots of other posters are imagining a fun cheap n' cheerful style Christmas where everyone is laughing and merry making so much that they barely notice they're cold, and where everyone gratefully tucks into a slightly unconventional meal. I'm imagining a tense day where everyone is a bit awkward, and make their disappointment clear with slightly disparaging/snide comment about OP's efforts. Only OP knows which one is more likely, but I think from her previous comments option B is on the cards.

cory - Maybe poor design of some British kitchen spaces from a social perspective (in older houses, they were often kept away from living spaces due to fears about 'smells'), plus poor design of British relationships (unfortunately women in particular are often responsible for this meal, and in a culture where many have been raised to compete with one another for male attention, questions about who is in charge of the dinner are potentially shot through with power relations. I predict that at Christmas there will be at least one thread about a situation where an older person has claimed precedence at the cooking over someone who is more experienced and qualified, and where this has caused resentment).

Having taught in both British and Danish universities, I reckon the British are just less used to working together harmoniously, which means that hierarchies tend to come into play and bossiness and resentment at being bossed can be a real issue. Everyone has their own way of cooking a roast, and this can lead to carving knives at dawn when people aren't prepared to give a little and compromise.

It would be so much better if people just saw it as a bit of a laugh, and not a competitive performance!

I don't think OP has to buy a slow cooker. The obvious solution would be a cold meat.

You could buy a side of cooked salmon or a ready roast stuffed turkey breast to slice, the vegetables can be cooked on the hob, or make a range of delicious salads. You can buy ready made Moroccan couscous salad from Sainsburys and Waitrose which is really good. Or potato salad.

Alternatively make mashed or fried potatoes. Potato and celeriac mash is very nice. Parsnip and carrot purée is also good. Brussels obviously can be done in the hob.. You can make your own cranberry sauce on the hob very quickly - Delia has the best recipe. Bread sauce can probably be done in the hob, otherwise buy it ready made and heat it in a saucepan. Pigs in blankets can be fried.

That just leaves pudding. I highly, highly recommend M&S profiteroles. Best shop bought profiteroles I've ever had. Supermarkets have a great range of chilled desserts.

I think your mother is wanting you to run round after brother and husband.
I'd be having a very pointed chat

OP can do it this year, husband and brother can do it over the next two years.

Why is mum snapping at OP for her dh and ds's laziness. She's allowed them to be that way, maybe even got pleasure from being the one in charge. Bit late to 'snap'.

Gloria, why would you choose someone to host who has no heating and an oven that isn't quite working properly?!

also this thing about people turning up to eat and run - has anyone ever asked the OP mum to do all the cooking herself, I wonder, or has she just decided? and OP is there for 3 days and I think she said she's happy to cook at her mum's anyway.

there's a definite weirdness that neither her father nor brother have been asked to sort it. Also the last minute thing. I wonder if mum had a row with one of them and is lashing out.

If it's really going to happen, I'd do cold buffet so no one risks food poisoning.