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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mum has announced its time for me to host Christmas.

405 replies

torroloco · 12/12/2016 07:32

Apparently she has had enough and she "goes to all that effort just for us to fuck off on Boxing day". Both me, my brother and my Dad work- Dad and brother are working boxing day, I go back to work on the 27th but as I have a 3hr trip to get home I will be leaving early boxing day so i have time to get home and pack as im off on holiday with the family I work for.

Also, apparently because im 27 now I can host. The plan according to her is for the 3 of them to drive to mine in the morning and leave after Xmas dinner. To a tiny 1 bedroom flat with broken central heating (i highly doubt my LL will pull his finger out to get it sorted in time) and a tiny, unreliable oven.

WIBU to go and celebrate Xmas with them when im off for 3 days just before and then spend Xmas day alone eating shit and watching boxsets ?

I love my mother dearly but im starting to think shes batshit crazy Grin

OP posts:
70sDinnerPartyClassic · 14/12/2016 23:00

As in, point out in advance that it's going to be shit and so they don't get to give her the eyeball when it's shit

And

If there's the possibility they won't treat the day in good humour then don't have them at all

I maybe could have been clearer Grin

Yamadori · 14/12/2016 23:07

She might have chosen to do it for years and years. She's now decided not to. Good for her.

Just because the others work, is she supposed to be their servant when they are at home?

expatinscotland · 14/12/2016 23:08

She never invited them, so they can eyeball all they like or leave.

70sDinnerPartyClassic · 14/12/2016 23:13

No fuck it, if there's any chance they aren't going to smile and make merry and ignore the heating and not mention the cold food then why have them round? It'll be awful. Just keep out of the whole thing is what I would do. No point in being a party to whatever the mum thinks it will achieve. I think she's bluffing anyway.

EdmundCleverClogs · 14/12/2016 23:14

Just because the others work, is she supposed to be their servant when they are at home

Of course not. That doesn't mean she can dump all Christmas duties on the OP two week before the day either. If her mum had said 'I'm not doing it this year, sort it out amongst yourselves', fair enough. Announcing to the only other woman in the family that she will be doing it instead, despite circumstances making that very difficult, is not ok. That's not 'good for her', that's cutting off your nose to spite your face type behaviour.

70sDinnerPartyClassic · 14/12/2016 23:18

The mum knows it will be awful, obviously. No disrespect to op but no heating, no cooker, 3 hour drive each way and the "menfolk" are used to dining in comfort, it's going to be grim. Is the mum trying to make a point to the men about how "good they have it at home"? Is the brother making noises about moving out and this is to make a point to him?

No idea obviously. We can only speak from own experiences. I don't get on with my mum and so I'd not be playing ball, but other families different dynamics.

Original poster
torroloco · 15/12/2016 02:46

Hi everyone. Sorry I havent been back had a really few busy days at work

Mum came around today as it was my day off. I had been trying to call her but got no reply. The first thing she did was moan there was no heating- I pointed out to her that it will likely be the same on Xmas day as my LL says the gas engineers wont be able to come out until the New Year which yes I agree is complete bollocks and a fob off but I havent got the energy to argue

This wasnt satisfactory apparently and insisted my Dad would be able to fix it- which yes, he would- but it would be a breach of my tenancy agreement I imagine. I pointed out my tiny oven and now she wants to buy me a new oven in time for Christmas Hmm. Ive told her its just not feesible- im literally laid under 4 duvets and wearing my dressing gown over 3 layers of clothes I feel that cold yes I am a wimp anyway

Ive told her I will come down on my days off before Christmas and cook dinner for her and the family and we can celebrate then- but apparently not good enough despite speaking to Dad and says he would be fine with a pot noodle on the day as long as he got to have a meal with his family at some point.

Mum just doesnt seem to understand. I asked her what the problem actually was and she wouldnt give me an answer so im at complete loss what to do. Not to mention baffled she drove all this way to see me on my day off (unannounced- she woke me up knocking on the door at 9.30 this morning) but wouldnt answer the phone Confused

OP posts:
SelfCleaningVagina · 15/12/2016 04:01

torro it's completely unacceptable for your LL to expect you to go without heating until after Christmas and he's just fobbing you off. Put it in writing that you will be calling out an engineer yourself and sending him the invoice, or paying it and knocking it off your rent. If he wants a say in who does the work and how much it costs then he needs to pull his finger out and send someone immediately.

Honestly, get assertive. If you have all this in writing he won't have a leg to stand on if he tries to make this difficult for you. He's giving you the runaround because you are letting him. Why do people put up with such nonsense? 🤔

SelfCleaningVagina · 15/12/2016 04:11

Presumably the existing oven is integral f it's small? And therefor belongs to the LL? How are you going to find room for a bigger one? Confused

Anyway she's really got a bee in her bonnet about something hasn't she? Quite honestly, I'd just go with it and let her get on with it. You get a nice new oven (agree to take her up on that and see how she reacts. She might just be calling your bluff.) You don't have to travel, get some ready prepped food from M&S in and get through the day as best you can. It will be a bit odd but she'll have proved her point, whatever that is, then have a long drive home again. Confused

DP and I hosted Christmas for my mum and sister when we were in a one bed flat. It was fine.

SelfCleaningVagina · 15/12/2016 04:13

Hang on, it's a THREE HOUR trip from your mums to yours and she turned up unannounced at 9.30 in the morning? Shock

Either she has a massive issue about something or this is not true.

P1nkP0ppy · 15/12/2016 06:12

Blimey, she's in a right huff, isn't she?
I'd give up op, tell her you're having Christmas on your own and she can do whatever she likes but you are not hosting the family.

sonjadog · 15/12/2016 06:22

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ for troll hunting. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Chippednailvarnishing · 15/12/2016 07:47

You need to call your Dad and find out whats going on.

My Pils have arrived at my house before 8am and their 2.5 hours away. And they stopped for breakfast Confused

shovetheholly · 15/12/2016 07:50

It's not unusual for people to be up at 6.00 and going at 6.30. If you're out on the streets at those times, there are often older people walking dogs or shopping at 24/7 supermarkets.

It sounds to me like she's in a massive passive-aggressive sulk. Her demands are totally unreasonable and she's doing this to score ridiculous points rather than as a serious negotiation over the work and effort.

I would call her bluff. 'You're being unreasonable, you know you are. I'm offering to cook the entire dinner at your house, because my place is completely unsuitable for hosting guests. This isn't even about the dinner, it's about the fact I have to leave on Boxing Day, not because I want to but becuase of work. If you can't come to a compromise, I'm not coming over at all. I'd rather sit here in front of the TV on my own than be in the middle of one of your sulks. Ball's in your court.'

mirokarikovo · 15/12/2016 07:52

I like your dad OP.

Turkey and sprout stir fry on the hob, with good cheer and loving family, will be a way better Christmas than a full roast done with resentment.

SelfCleaningVagina · 15/12/2016 07:55

Yes but chipped you were presumably expecting them?

Who sets off on a journey that long without first checking that the person is even going to be home and free to see you? Confused Most odd.

The OP could have been spending her morning off as a wanton sex goddess with a very bad man between her thighs.

lubeybooby · 15/12/2016 07:57

OP I think your mum is trying to drag you out of this rut you are in - seriously, get the heating sorted, It IS bollocks and you can insist it gets done.

Come on, sort it out - you can't live like that. LL at least has to provide you with heaters AND cover the leccy to run them.

SelfCleaningVagina · 15/12/2016 08:08

if you're out on the streets at those times, there are often older people walking dogs or shopping at 24/7 supermarkets.

The OP is only 27. her mother is probably my age, not an 80 year old twirly!

70sDinnerPartyClassic · 15/12/2016 08:24

Start another thread in ?legal or somewhere about the landlord stuff, you can't have no heating for that period of time. No heating in winter = emergency, not something you can wait 3 weeks for. Have a google, what are your rights. Citizens advice might be able to help.

I very much doubt you will be allowed to have a new oven same as you can't do heating yourself, it belongs to the landlord.

Your mum sounds nuts.

miro I wouldn't be too sure about the dad. He might be like that. On the other hand, he might say that and then when it actually happens not be happy at all. Hard to say.

expatinscotland · 15/12/2016 08:31

Your mum is batshit. Tell her 'NO. I'm not doing this.' The end. And make your own plans.

Chippednailvarnishing · 15/12/2016 08:36

Yes self we were expecting them. For lunch.

All I'm trying to say is there are many varieties of batshit, it doesn't mean it's not true!

70sDinnerPartyClassic · 15/12/2016 08:37

This is exactly the sort of thing I can imagine my mum doing, she wouldn't be so "rocking up at 9.30am" but the gist would be the same. For her it's because she's very controlling but was raised and possibly thinks it's a bit improper for women to be straightforward. Therefore she never says what she means, and she uses passive aggressiveness and ploys and all sorts of things to fucking well get her own way no matter what. I am very upfront and I simply don't understand her, we can't communicate at all. I don't get all the subtext and whatnot and think well if you want something just fucking ask. Which to be fair OPs mum has Grin But I do not think that your mum actually wants to follow through with this plan, I mean it sounds awful. What she actually wants is however entirely impenetrable. So good luck with that. I'd be backing out of the whole thing, buying a good book, and spending the holidays in a pub with a big fire.

derxa · 15/12/2016 09:18
Hmm
EdmundCleverClogs · 15/12/2016 09:24

torroloco

Obviously there's something going on with your mum. However, if she's refusing to say what it is and keeps on with this ridiculous notion of Xmas at yours, then I'm afraid you can only put your foot down and say 'no'.

You've offered a fair compromise and it's not good enough, she can't force everyone and everything on you just because she's decided she's not going to martyr herself this year. I would say 'Xmas at mine isn't happening this year, that's not up for discussion. It's far too short notice and you've seen my flat for yourself, this isn't likely to change before the day. So, either accepted my offer of doing everything at yours, and next year we will plan for either myself, brother or dad to do it, or we will do nothing this year'.

It sounds to me like you don't like confronting people (like your mum and landlord), but neither will be sorted until you take a stand I'm afraid. Oh, and please don't bankrupt yourself on M-and-bloody-S food if you do give in - Iceland will do a whole Xmas lunch for about £20 Wink.

FucksSakeSusan · 15/12/2016 09:37

There is definitely more going on here than being fed up with Xmas judging by your last update, OP. How is your mum and dad's relationship? Has she had any medical issues recently? Definitely worth getting in contact with you or dad and seeing if there's something more going on. It sounds like all of this is very much out of the blue so I suspect there are deeper, non-Xmas issues driving it all.