Mum has announced its time for me to host Christmas.

[torroloco]

Apparently she has had enough and she "goes to all that effort just for us to fuck off on Boxing day". Both me, my brother and my Dad work- Dad and brother are working boxing day, I go back to work on the 27th but as I have a 3hr trip to get home I will be leaving early boxing day so i have time to get home and pack as im off on holiday with the family I work for.

Also, apparently because im 27 now I can host. The plan according to her is for the 3 of them to drive to mine in the morning and leave after Xmas dinner. To a tiny 1 bedroom flat with broken central heating (i highly doubt my LL will pull his finger out to get it sorted in time) and a tiny, unreliable oven.

WIBU to go and celebrate Xmas with them when im off for 3 days just before and then spend Xmas day alone eating shit and watching boxsets ?

I love my mother dearly but im starting to think shes batshit crazy

Fair enough stars.

Take you and your DH out for Christmas lunch, or better still book into a hotel.

If you want to make people grow up treat them like adults.

No financial support, no cooking, no washing, no Christmas dinner - just don't invite yourself over to theirs!

It's very interesting reading about all the kerfuffle re families and Christmas dinners.. Years ago I was always the hostess for lots of years for 10 or 12 people for dinner.I always used to love all the hustle and bustle of the big day. I lived in a larger house then in the Midlands,, but now I live in a tiny old cottage further south, there being only enough room to eat for myself and my three cats!!
My daughter and family who live 94 miles away usually visit either just before Christmas or soon after,and we go out fora meal.
My son who lives quite close to me in the same village was very grumpy last Christmas,and didn't wan't to Do Christmas, so I had the day alone,,food,booze,crap telly and the cats ! but pleasant all the same.but still miss the oldie days,and my dining table ha ha. But happy day torroloco whatever you decide to do.

I think you were unnecessarily harsh Chipping. I don't get the Christmas I want because elderly and infirm relatives need to be looked after. I like a moan about it every now and again. I don't consider myself a martyr.

Stars, I get it

YABU. If your place is so tiny, offer to make Christmas lunch at her house. I "took over" from my mum in my early 20's. Stop being so selfish, would you have your mother still doing Christmas when she's a little old lady? FFS.

Craigie woman's work eh? Handed down the generations.
Or perhaps I am being unfair and her father and brother's hands have fallen off.

Stars it does often happen eventually, when they meet the right person and want to settle down.

We've been on our own the last couple of years - invited our parents but they came up with really rude responses like our house is too small for their grandchildren (who LIVE here!!). I think my mum just can't move on from expecting us all to come "home", which is weird as I never lived in their current house or even the one before that. I think the baton should pass to the next generation and it's high time that happened here. So Stars don't tar us all with the same brush and think we all expect our mums to do it all. I think it's highly presumptuous of OP to think she is somehow owed a christmas dinner, but I also think it's presumptuous of my mum to expect us all to still come to her.

I don't get the Christmas I want because elderly and infirm relatives need to be looked after
Which is a totally different situation to this thread.

If you're moaning about grown capable adults expecting more than you are happy to do, but you carry on doing it, you're being a martyr.

Have you not read any of the thread then craigie?

I notice how the mother is sick of Xmas day and the alternative is to put it all on the other female.

Wth a dad and son at home, what was the bother?

Bless you Toastdemon

I'm all for the work being divided fairly and have despaired at how many comments on this thread have ignored the two people (Father and Brother, incase anyone genuinely missed them) doing, and being expected to do, nothing. So many posts encourage the 'daughter of the house' to step up and not always leave it to her mother, even though she, the daughter, was already doing the washing up while father and brother appeared to do nothing.

The father and brother having lost the use of their hands explains it all. Makes sense, that they would have atrophied through lack of use.

It sounds to me that your mum is fed up that you are leaving early on Boxing Day. I can see her point - why can't you pack for your holiday in the few days off you have before Christmas? You could then spend most of Boxing Day with your mum and leave late afternoon/early evening for the drive home. It sounds like your mum may feel she is being taken for granted and that you're happy to come along and eat her feast but want to leave at the earliest opportunity for pretty flimsy reasons.

You're 27, it's not unreasonable that your mum is feeling a bit fed up and would like to be appreciated a bit more than she seems to be.

As there's no kids to run rampage, why not give it a try. Save yourself the petrol and 6 hours travel. Serve a different meat if there's no turkey left.

Tell her your brother can host next year

OP I think your DM feels sad to be abandoned on Boxing Day. What you do depends on how you want family relations to go forward. If you want them to be strong talk to your DM about how she feels; would she compromise if you go early to hers, you clean the house etc and do a girly together in a local restaurant one evening. You have 3 days.

I'm about to have 10 days of 4 males and me in the house (tho SIL hosts the 25th). I have decided that the day after uncle arrived they can all draw lots ( days) from a hat 13 yr old DS2 included. That day they choose menu and cook for all. I'll have ingredients lists from them and do the shop. Saves me getting to frustrated resentfulness after a few days of feeling like hired help, teaches boys that everyone mucks in, is assertive not passive aggressive (which I might otherwise resort to) and hopefully will be a bit fun and bonding too. Fingers crossed hey?

OP, you really need to have a good think about why you seem to be so annoyed and unable to cope with this and what that says about your relationship with your Mum, and your expectations of her doing Christmas. I think that there is more than just Christmas Dinner being the problem and I think that you need to look at all these elements in turn.

If I sound alittle sharp, its because we were in a similar situation at my house - 17 years of Christmas dinners (albeit 2 or 3 times my husband has cooked when I've been laid up) until I went completely on strike this year as we with no visitors for the first time for years, and my husband and sons aged 15 and 16 years old have stepped up to the mark.

I totally understand and sympathize with your mum saying enough is enough - I think she's got Christmas Dinner Fatigue. If you had ever done a proper Christmas (and there is alot more to it than just the actual Christmas Day dinner, especially if people are staying over), then you would understand how much work there is.

You have clearly lived in complete innocence and naivety for the last 27 years. I'm frankly quite staggered that you lived at home for 26 years (I think you said you moved out 12 months ago?), and haven't cooked Christmas Dinner for your family before.

Before any other posters think I'm letting your dad and your brother who still lives at home off the hook - believe me I'm not, I'm holding them just as accountable - what are they doing and why haven't they done it at any point? I don't know how long your mum and dad have been married, but I'm guessing that your mum has been cooking Christmas dinner for however long she's been married - so longer than just the 27 years you've been alive???

It doesn't matter if she 'enjoys hosting', frankly anyone would be sick to death of HAVING TO DO IT it all for that period of time without a break. That's a longer sentence than most criminals get!

You obviously believe you do help. I notice that you say that you make a stuffing, pigs in blankets (are these bought ready to go, and are you the one buying them?) and 2 bottles of wine. I don't know if your dad and your brother offer similar levels of assistance or not. Hmm, what is your mum complaining about? What more is there to Christmas?!?

Is that all you sit down to on Christmas Day? Sounds like a very empty table?

Oh there's other food there? So where is this turning up from? Okay your mum does it?- she does all the planning what you are all going to be eating, ordering food, if she's like me maybe she does everything homemade from scratch, supermarket shopping (not enjoyable fighting the crowds in December) for veg, drink, wine, mince pies, meat , all the other things needed or expected crackers, table linen, Christmas decorations & a tree, then there's veg prep and the actual cooking of the meal itself, clearing up.

I could go on, instead I will ask you to visualize exactly what your mum and dad's house looks like over Christmas, what is actually done to prepare it for Christmas and your arrival, what is there for you, meals etc and how things are different from the rest of the year. That is the work your mum is putting in, that what is being taken for granted by you and the rest of the family.

There's alot of mention on this thread re having to buy the food - very expensive etc, my question is that since you and your brother became adults have you ever actually paid for any of the food or have you just been been taking it as your right that its all bought and paid for?

There is alot made of the fact that you, your dad and brother all work as an excuse - well I work every day, including Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, Boxing Day, New Year and every bank holiday and I've been cooking Christmas dinner for years. Working does not entitle you to never cooking it. It makes it harder, but frankly you, your dad and brother should be organizing and working it out between you.

And as there is such a lot of effort being made by your mum, how much notice did you give her that you were leaving Boxing Day morning? Was that before or after she'd had to organize what was happening Boxing Day and the meals for that day? And if its anything like our house, no matter how much other people say they are going to help, the reality is that one person is usually left trapped in the kitchen on their own for hours without getting chance to relax until dinner is over. If so, no wonder she's hacked off. Pretty inconsiderate of you, and I would guess she's feeling pretty hurt and angry.

Yes things do change, families evolve, kids grow up and move away, but then its up to all the generations in the family to actually be considerate and not expect the same person to do everything just because 'they always have' and supposedly enjoy it.

Yes she's given you very little notice to get everything done, and she's refusing to have it at her house. Is that because she's reached breaking point, feels that she's being completely taken for granted, upset that you are dropping in and leaving as you can just about spare the time, and is she saying to have it at yours because frankly its the only way she can guarantee she won't end up with a husband and 2 grown up children still expecting her to end up doing it? Are you and your brother going to expect your mum to still be doing everything in her 80s??? When are you going to be ready to step up to the mark?

I understand that there's a problem with the flat and the cooker. Frankly get your landlord to get it sorted. If that doesn't happen before Christmas and I'd be kicking up merry hell to get it sorted with or without visitors, then you are looking at 3 scenarios.

1. Book Christmas dinner somewhere. I'd probably think more about it being near your parents in consideration to your mum. You might not get anywhere at this short notice. But then maybe if you can't then do that next year or the year after.

2. Speak to your dad and brother and sort this out so that you can come over and cook at your mum and dad's. Get them to help with some of the logistics, but you buy the food in, you drive over and you cook it and clear up (with their help). Possibly you could even get your dad to take your mum out for a drink whilst you get everything sorted so there's no way she can be conned into helping. This option is the preferred one as it shows you are willing to really put yourself out.

3. Man up, and accept complete responsibility for having it at your flat and how you will cope if your oven and heating is still not working. Its your chance to do Christmas your way. It might not be turkey and all the trimmings but it will be what it is, and at least you will have put the effort in.

Choosing either Options 2 or 3 will really make you understand what your mum has been doing every Christmas, and I hope mean you value her more and take her less for granted.

And whatever happens this year, I really hope for the sake of your mum, that you, your brother and your dad start being alot more fair about Christmas and sharing it between the three of you every so often, and go out for Christmas Dinner once in a while. Take turns for goodness sake so that when your mum isn't always doing Christmas dinner, she really gets a break! You are all adults - step up!

Also think OP should delegate to brother and Dad. Dad you are taking Mum for a drink, giving the floor a quick Hoover. Brother peel the sprouts

And if its anything like our house, no matter how much other people say they are going to help, the reality is that one person is usually left trapped in the kitchen on their own for hours without getting chance to relax until dinner is over

Another martyr. A patronising one at that. If you don't like it don't do it, why is everyone making it sound like women are forced to "do" Christmas? They're not, they choose to.l

Yes, of course father and brother should also contribute. But I don't think it is now her mother's job to do that. She wants nothing to do with it right noww So the OP could fight with the other two about doing it, but asssuming that they haven't been required to do any preparation and cooking before, that might be a longer term project. I think OP might just have to suck it up for this year, and next year make it clear who is doing what in plenty of time.

OP please come back and tell us what happened

Sorry but I don't get the issue. If you really don't want to host go out. Other wise take it on the chin and share our jobs to make it doable . Personally I would love to have 3 days off before Christmas, I'm lucky to have Christmas Day off but the three days before I'm working 12.5 HR shifts, Christmas dinner is at mine my DH and I share the cooking everyone else washes up and I'm back to work on Boxing Day. Sounds like your mum feels put upon and has had enough?

Another point , it is absolutely unreasonable for the male members to be doing nothing .....

Holldstock1 I think that for a family of four, Christmas dinner is not the huge undertaking you seem to think it is unless you want it to be. I was in OP's position for many years until I refused to travel. I now find Christmas with just DH and the children much much easier and far less stressful without my mother flapping and making a big deal out of everything. There is nothing difficult about cooking Christmas dinner (if you have a house and cooker, obviously).

go out? We went to restaurant for xmas dinner one year as mil too disabled to cook but wanted to stay near her house. Yet doesn't like people in her kitchen. Was great.

Chipped

Are you suggesting that everyone sit around waiting for someone else to do the cooking? Because surely the alternative is exactly what OP's mum has done - asking someone else to chip in.

I don't see anything wrong with Holldstock's post, and whilst I agree with Mary that it's not that hard to cook a christmas dinner, it's not just about cooking it - it's all the other stuff when you have guests around and are cooking for them (and the most you get from anyone is a sense of entitlement and half arsed tokens of help).

We went out last year because I'd had enough, complete disaster which ensured that it will never happen again. Took long enough to persuade people to agree to go out in the first place.

I’m suggesting that instead of playing the martyr, like some on this thread moaning that no one else will do anything to help whilst not being able to leave the kitchen for 10 minutes, people start behaving like adults.

Discuss who is doing what well in advance and stick to it, don't just demand that another person takes your place because you're miserable.

All this sexist bollocks about speaking to the brother and the Dad so the OP can replace her Mother in the kitchen is just another way of keeping a woman in the kitchen serving other people. Furthermore the Mother has already said Christmas won’t be at hers.

Also announcing a few weeks before Christmas that you are descending on someone who has neither the space or facilities to host is passive aggressive and immature.

No one has to do Christmas, you choose to and if you don’t like it and still do it you’re a fool. It's almost like some people, particularly women, just love a pity party.