To not trust step grandad with my son

[Xina]

I trust my mother with my life which is why I trust her to have my son over night once a week, but for her to leave him with her boyfriend that she has been with 2 years while she nips out here there and everywhere is not okay to me? AIBU? I have known him 2 years he is a nice guy but has had previous alcoholism, and has mental health issues and tbh I don't know that I trust him to be with my son alone, I have no issues with him I think he's great but I really don't know him, know him do I? Am I being Absolutely ridiculous or should I bring this up with her?

Btw he has been 3 years sober apparently

You say apparently like you don't believe it.
And MH issues can be anxiety or low mood. It doesn't have to mean potential violent offender.

If you trust your mother, why do you not trust her judgement here? And if you don't trust her judgement here, why are you leaving your child with her?

I wouldn't trust any relatively new man with my children overnight, regardless of any MH/addiction issues. I would assume that your DM would take this as an accusation, which would not go down well so I wouldn't mention anything. Always go with your gut instinct. Disclaimer: I am not a paedophile-around-every-corner type.

I know that Wolfe no need to be I'm asking advice and I'm hoping to get it, I can be very PFB sometimes so want other people's perspective on this not a load of sarky comments on how I don't understand MH issues, I don't understand them that's why I'm asking!!!!

Do you know exactly what MH issues? Are they such that would have made him a danger to a child? Lots of MH issues, as I am sure you are aware, are completely neutral when it comes to child safety. Were his not?

Yes woes it's the accusation part if I say anything that's stopping me from mentioning anything to her, I'm not accusing him of anything just uncomfortable, he's only been staying at hers weekly (DS) for about 6 weeks so 6 times and I've noticed the past few weeks he's been alone with him

OP - go with your gut instinct . I don't think you are being OTT .

What are you distrusting him about? Not keeping your child safe, e.g. knives out of reach, not standing on tables etc. or losing his temper and shouting, beiong violent? What are your worries?

If your Mum is having him overnight every week, then I think you can trust her judgement as to whether her longstanding partner is capable of looking after him for an hour or so while she runs errand, yes. So I think YABU.

What do you think will happen?

How long is she leaving them alone for?

How old is DS?

How old is your son OP?

I don't know exactly what Mh issues I've asked she's said just depression 'and that' I do trust her judgement but the blinkers can be on when your in love iyswim?

I wouldn't like it either. There are very few people I would trust tbh - all of them are people I've known a long time, or at nursery where there's several people present and they are checked out. I would just say - "I'd prefer it if you did the looking after, no offence to X its just my preference". Hopefully your mum would respect that.

I think it's up to you whether you leave your baby with someone you have known for 3 years who you know to have MH health and alcohol issues (albeit under control), versus your DM who you have known all your life. If you wouldn't ask him to babysit yourself, why would you want your son left with him by someone else?

My son is 5 and has never been left overnight on a regular basis until past 6 weeks, I think I read too many take a break magazines I'm just worried about everything, general clumsiness to sexual abuse. It's always the trusted ones I hear in my head.. Am I being OTT

You've know him for 2 years so he's not a complete stranger. Maybe try to get to know him a bit more and see how your son reacts to him and how he reacts to your son. If they both have fun and he looks after your son properly what's the problem?. You mentioned he previously had mental health issues that could literally be anything and doesn't mean he's going to be a danger to your son. Again same with the alcoholism, he's been dry for 3 years, does your mum keep alcohol in the house? How does he react to alcohol? I.e if there is a bottle of beer is he tempted or not, again alcoholism has different levels. Is he the sort that went weeks without a drink, got stressed and had a couple but couldn't stop? Or the sort that would poor wine on his coco pops to get him through the day.
Maybe discuss your concerns with your mum and she might be able to reassure you.

Yeah trifle I ask her to look after him not him iykwim so it was a surprise when I popped in to drop his dvd off and she was out and he was there alone it was like a shock I just always thought she was with him

It seems very harsh not to trust him because of MH issues such as depression and an alcohol problem when he has been sober 3 years.

I wouldn't trust anyone really with my child, other than my own siblings.

I think the PP who suggested spending more time with him with your son, so you can observe their interaction is right. You need to be comfortable about him looking after your son.

It is harsh I know but I can't shake the feeling, Scarlett your right I don't trust anyone but my mum my sister and his dad, and these are the only people I agree to mind him but for her to leave ds with him without my say so anytime he's there doesn't sit well with me and I don't know why I should trust him she obviously trusts him alcohol and Mh issues aside but I just don't and I am being offensive to her by saying this bc she tells me how much her bf loves him all the time and how much he dotes on him but this isn't enough to shake the feeling

My gut is telling me he's a nice man and loves my ds but can I ever know for sure he isn't going to harm him