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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not trust step grandad with my son

112 replies

Xina · 10/12/2016 19:10

I trust my mother with my life which is why I trust her to have my son over night once a week, but for her to leave him with her boyfriend that she has been with 2 years while she nips out here there and everywhere is not okay to me? AIBU? I have known him 2 years he is a nice guy but has had previous alcoholism, and has mental health issues and tbh I don't know that I trust him to be with my son alone, I have no issues with him I think he's great but I really don't know him, know him do I? Am I being Absolutely ridiculous or should I bring this up with her?

OP posts:
clarr · 10/12/2016 20:53

Always trust your gut feeling. You don't need rational reasons. Do what feels right. We pick up more than we realise and more than we can rationally explain.

If you want to end the visits, just take great care about how you handle it and the reasons you give. I'm sure MN can help you there with suggestions if that was what you decided.

conserveisposhforjam · 10/12/2016 20:54

What Italiangreyhound said. Both times.

CashelGirl · 10/12/2016 20:55

Trust your instinct. If you "feel" something is off, then you aren't going to relax and enjoy your free time.

On one hand you have a nice guy, who has battled some demons and come out the other side, who your Mum loves and trusts, who wants to play an active part in your families life.

On the other you have a man who has only struck up a relationship with your Mum since she had a young Grandchild. A Grandma who is insisting she will take the little one overnight, and then needing to pop out running errands leaving the child alone with this man. Could she have been groomed? Possibly- I am not say this is what has happened but it is a possibility.

Just say your son is feeling unsettled with the sleepovers and you want to knock them on the head for a while. No need to elaborate on your worries or fears. Just don't let him go there.

JayDot500 · 10/12/2016 20:56

PFB or not, it's not your agreement with your mum. I've only had my son for 10months to know I have a limited amount of people I can trust to care for him in my absence. I also know there will always be good, honest people who I don't know well enough to trust.

My mum is on the dating scene and that's great for her, but I would not be happy knowing he was alone with my child without me agreeing to it. As a child I was left alone with numerous boyfriends of hers, and I hated it. Some were very nice men, some were neglectful men. I do have resentment towards my mum because of it, but she'll never know because I choose not to say. There was an incident with my step dads brother that was abusive, and my mum doesn't know about it. In her mind his family were to be trusted and we were safe, but she took a chance with my safety with this man many times (he was our regular babysitter) until I decided to handle things myself and beg for my gran to look after us instead, which she agreed to without question. It's made me extremely cautious and I would prefer to limit who my son is left alone with for my own conscience.

BowieFanMk2 · 10/12/2016 20:59

Sigh. I see the MH stigma still exists.

I have had MH issues - doesn't mean I'm going to murder my kids (or any others, for that matter!). This is why so many like me fear telling anyone about these things - I'm a teacher and no doubt there are many judgmental people like you who would find issue with my MH problems. Luckily my employer is actually very good and only needed to know so that they could sort me out with therapy through my union.

Italiangreyhound · 10/12/2016 21:01

Navyandwhite it is perhaps because he is a nice man and yet she has reservations that age should listen to them. Why risk it? The babysitting is not for her benefit. Her mum asked.

I'd be angry with my mum in this situation. And also the OP has just said these concerns and 'potential issues' are real facts for her wider family so she will be on higher alert than some, I would imagine.

KeepCoolCalmAndCollected · 10/12/2016 21:03

Always trust your instincts OP, particularly with something like this.
Your DM is being careless and irresponsible in my opinion.

Of COURSE he may be totally innocent, but she does not have the authority to take that decision and basically chance it after only 2 years!

annielouise · 10/12/2016 21:09

Bowie - the OP has said on page 2 the MH issues aren't really the reason. Yes, she mentioned them first off, perhaps to find something to base her fears on. Since then I think it's clear it's not relevant and it's because he's still basically a stranger who she doesn't know.

OP, you're not being unreasonable. My father never left us with anyone but his mum and dad as he knew from growing up with them they were fine. I pretty much decided this with my DC - they've only been babysat with people I know 100% are fine, especially when so small. No, you can't protect them 100%. They go to nursery and then school but as a parent you do your utmost to protect them in the ways you can.

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all given most abusers are known to the family. If they weren't nice too or didn't seem a risk they wouldn't have access but unfortunately they don't come with a sign on their foreheads. Why risk the most precious thing in your life. As they got older and I taught them more they went on all school trips, Scout/Brownie trips, sleepovers etc. Do what you want.

caroldecker · 10/12/2016 21:09

Only 2 years!!! How many people on here have had children with partners they have known less than 2 years?
OP - you are being bonkers, and, assuming your child goes to school, lying.

NoncommittalToSparkleMotion · 10/12/2016 21:09

I would go with your instinct. And the fact that she didn't tell you upfront is not helpful to your concerns.

KeepCoolCalmAndCollected · 10/12/2016 21:16

OP, if your DM had known her boyfriend for 20 years or more, and your instincts about him were the same, my advice would still be the same:
Always trust your instincts.

I think Annielouise sums it up very well.

Italiangreyhound · 10/12/2016 21:18

Kali lots of women don't trust men, in general. The OP has ample reason not to trust men. Making women feel bad for not trusting men is misogynistic.

Bowie the OP has said this is not about mental health issues. I have an eating disorder and have suffered with anxiety and OCD. I am very safe to be around kids, my own and others, but if anyone didn't want me to look after their kids for any reason I would accept that as their choice.

This is not about employment it is about trust within families.

Whether this man is to 've trusted is not necessarily the issue. As OP may never know.

Sadly, the OP's mum asked for this then passed it to someone else.

If my very trustworthy dh were to look after or collect friends kids in my place I would always tell other parents (Eg school run etc). Because parents choose who looks after their kids.

This is not about work, or school.

Poshforjam thank you.

I'd just say it's not working out for me. Who can argue with that!

hackmum · 10/12/2016 21:27

One thing we know is that paedophiles target single women with young children. So I'd always be wary. No doubt this guy is perfectly nice but I can quite understand why the OP is wary.

I was just reading more today about the paedophile scandal in football. Parents trusted their sons with these coaches - they assumed they were safe. The reason these coaches got away with what they did is precisely because most parents are trusting.

Suppose the OP's mother's boyfriend did abuse her son? How many people here would rush to judge the OP for having been too trusting? For not going with her instincts?

Original poster
Xina · 10/12/2016 21:29

I just wanted my son to be cared for by people,who I trusted, it's not up to her to think 'oh he's a good man I trust him' WITH THE MOST IMPORTANT AND PRECIOUS THING' in my life. I didn't ask him or her to baby sit, she wanted to have him, I let her have the joy of having my son because she's my mum, I didn't say ok mum just take him and leave him with anyone. Her my sis and my dp are the ones who I trust a million percent with him. Not her bf. If she said I'll have DS overnight but leave him with my bf while I go out and run errands for over an hour I'd have said NO pick him up when you're done doing your errands.

OP posts:
GogoGobo · 10/12/2016 21:31

I think something must be unnerving you and if you have a nagging doubt about leaving your little one with him the don't do it. Doesn't mean you are right or wrong to do so. You are just following your instinct.

annielouise · 10/12/2016 21:39

Perhaps you'd better not let him stay over Xina if you don't trust him. It's not just your mum going out the odd hour. Someone I knew was abused aged 4 by her step grandfather sitting on his knee when everyone was in the room watching TV, and it wasn't a one-off. It does happen. Too much to risk in my view. No accusations need to be made. Just knock it on the head.

Original poster
Xina · 10/12/2016 21:53

Thank you everyone, and I mean everyone on this thread.

OP posts:
Dutch1e · 10/12/2016 22:27

PFB or not, it's not your agreement with your mum

This.

It's not the MH issues, it's not the "oh no, a man!" vapours. It's that someone else decided for the OP who should care for her child. No discussion, just done. And it's only by accident that this was discovered.

Fuck that

caroldecker · 10/12/2016 23:08

I 100% disagree that leaving them with someone means that person needs to be in the same room as the child 100% of the time.Either yyou trust someone to look after and therefore be in loco parentis, make decisions about what is safe etc, or you don't.
OP, you do not trust your mum, so don't let your child stay, but don't pretend you do trust her.

Italiangreyhound · 10/12/2016 23:12

She trusts her mum to care for her son, I think, but not her judgement in relation to this.

caroldecker · 11/12/2016 00:20

Italian if you do not trust someone's judgement on when to leave a child, then you do not trust them with the child.

Italiangreyhound · 11/12/2016 00:25

caroldecker I am not disagreeing with you. But in general you can trust someone to do something but not to do everything. I think it is maybe dawning on the OP she cannot totally trust her mum because she can't trust her mum's judgement. But I cannot speak for the OP really, so should stop now! Smile

Blueskyrain · 11/12/2016 00:41

He's 5 years not 5 months, which means he's likely either going or shortly will be having lots of playdates with friends, at houses where you probably won't know all the adult occupants. You may know mum, but she pops out leaving dad in charge, or vice versa. Then there'll be sleepovers.

He's at the age now where he'll be spending progressively more time with adults that you won't be able to vett. In comparison, his step grandfather, who you think is perfectly nice should seem ok.

Italiangreyhound · 11/12/2016 01:29

Can't exactly remember but think Dd did not start sleep overs until she was about 8, and prior to 8 I usually stayed when she went on play dates as she was very shy.

Plus the fact the Op thinks he seems nice but still feels uncomfortable may mean she is wise to listen to our gut. If she were worried about him not being looked after properly then him being older when he was left with other people, that would make a difference.

LucyBabs · 11/12/2016 01:41

Sadly it's those we trust who we should be wary of.. Statistically (sp?) Children are abused by family members, close family friends.. This stranger danger is a myth..
Why shouldn't op question who her dc are with, when she's not around? Confused

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