To not trust step grandad with my son

[Xina]

I trust my mother with my life which is why I trust her to have my son over night once a week, but for her to leave him with her boyfriend that she has been with 2 years while she nips out here there and everywhere is not okay to me? AIBU? I have known him 2 years he is a nice guy but has had previous alcoholism, and has mental health issues and tbh I don't know that I trust him to be with my son alone, I have no issues with him I think he's great but I really don't know him, know him do I? Am I being Absolutely ridiculous or should I bring this up with her?

"he is a nice guy but has had previous alcoholism, and has mental health issues and tbh I don't know that I trust him to be with my son alone"

this segment of a sentence in your op is why I and I suspect others believed you were wary because of the mh/alcohol issues.

"the background story is that my cousin was sexually abused by our grandfather a long long time ago (he was 10 years older than the youngest in the family) and told everyone not to trust this man everyone thought he was BU but he wasn't and it turns out my aunt (cousins mum) was a victim of his sexual assault when she was a kid but didn't say anything so I'm always on high alert after this and so was my mum untill she met her bf" so this is the real reason?

Understandable to a degree but not all men/grandfathers are the same. And I'm speaking as a survivor! I would never leave my daughter alone with my father (whom I know to be abusive) but her other grandad is lovely, I don't get on particularly well with him (political views differ) but he adores my daughter and I'm as sure as anyone can ever be that he would never harm her. He was until a few years ago looking after her on occasion since she was 2 (dependant on his health) I actually trust him more than her dad! He's totally incompetent!

Your son is 5 as he gets older - And I'm not talking too far in the future - he's going to be wanting to do things that may involve men you don't know very very well. Play dates, sleepovers, clubs and outings. You can't limit his life, his development because of this fear.

"It's just at times like this I don't understand why she didn't tell her child or he nephews and nieces about his assault and continued to let us go there" because some victims experience genuine psychological denial.

Of course your decision and nobody can make you do something you're uncomfortable with but part of parenting is balancing risk vs reward. It's tempting to duct tape them in bubble wrap I know but it's not the answer. In fact kids that have been very protected are MORE vulnerable to abuse because they don't develop their own instincts as well.

Is your sons father on the scene? What does he think?

Whatever you decide you are basically going to be saying to your mum that you don't trust her to make the right decisions for her grandson. Not a reason not to talk to her but be aware that's how she's likely to feel when you do.

You're also making life very hard for yourself if there's only 3 people you trust to care for him.

Graphista can I ask where the evidence that "In fact kids that have been very protected are MORE vulnerable to abuse because they don't develop their own instincts as well." is, please?

Ok I need to apologise to both op and italiangreyhound plus generally

My information is out of date. I read some studies years ago that basically (summarising) said that very protected children were more vulnerable to abuse. The thinking now is that this was wrong as apparently, as in this case, children with very protective parents are usually in families where abuse is being hidden (but the parents are at least aware there's 'something' going on even if they don't know for sure what) so that throws the results wrong I think? Can't think how to better explain it.

Again my apologies.

Realistically, the chances of him being an abuser or an unfit carer due to his MH issues (since depression is a very common problem) are minimal. But that doesn't mean the OP is unreasonable. She hasn't asked this man to care for her son and isn't comfortable because she doesn't know him all that well. Her DM should be checking with her before she passes his care over to someone else. Not that complicated.

I think you've had some really great replies op. You must make your own decision and don't ever worry about questioning anything that might adversely affect your child.

What does make my teeth itch though is the reference to 'step' gp. It reminds me of that family where the gp's boyfriend (who had mad violent history) murdered the grandchild and hid her body in the loft (Tia?). Anyway, that man was referred to as a step-grandad and it turns out he'd been with the gm for five minutes and they weren't married.

But there was a flurry of so called 'step' gps or 'step' parents who were involved in violent incidents with their partner' child/gc. So I know why your blood is up, op.

Your mother is not being fair to either you or her boyfriend. He maybe a perfectly nice man but why should he have to babysit your child while his Gf (your mum) does errands? Why can't they all go together?

I think you need to have a serious talk with her, unless she is trying to make them bond together with the thought of maybe marrying him later. However this is not the way to go about it.

Thanks Graphista.

I wonder if the thinking is that a person unrelated to a child is more likely to be neglectful or abusive. As we know of/hear of many children neglected and abused by their birth relatives I do wonder how accurate this may be. Although there are maybe some men who make friends with women to gain access to their kids so that could feed into the fear of non-blood relatives! My son is adopted so not a blood relative to anyone in my family!

I think there are different ways of being very protective of kids and being overly protective may make kids feel the world is a fearful place, so we need to use wise judgment.

Ideally, we can give kids plenty of freedom when we feel it is safe, so they experience the world as a wide, fun, expansive place. Eg running around a field.

But control those aspects that we feel need to be controlled. Eg keeping a good eye on kids in crowded shopping centres/fun fairs.

Of course Yanbu OP. You agreed for your mum to babysit, you did not agree for her boyfriend to do so. If she was doing this without your permission that's a massive breach of trust.
I would be very wary about leaving a small child with a relatively strange man.
Also, I don't know why mn always has this hang up about people who think "there's a paedophile around every corner".There pretty much IS a paedophile around every corner, sadly.
The police recently found out that the numbers of men who access images of child access abuse is double what they had previously thought. And that's just the ones that go online. The numbers are pretty shocking.

Your mums bf is probably not a predatory paedophile, but if you don't feel comfortable leaving a 5 year old with him, thas your call, and you shouldn't EVER be pressured into doing things regarding your dc that you aren't 100 percent happy with, just because people scoff.

IfNotNowThenWhenever that's so shocking.

And it is not just about the potential for abuse but also for a person not looking after a child well, or maybe shouting etc or just not being the person you thought would be looking after your child!

Italiangreyhound I think there is a justified anxiety about step parents / partners of mothers, grandmothers etc because their very presence in the family home points to a relationship that has broken down with a real parent / grandparent, or that someone has died and the children may not cope well with their parent/grandparent being replaced.

Listen to your gut feelings op.
I can't work out why your mum asks to have him then leaves him to go and run errands, why doesn't she send her boyfriend to do them? It seems pretty weird behaviour to me and I would be very uneasy about it too, either it's convenient to have him and she's there or it's inconvenient because she has errands to do.

Yes dance that makes sense.