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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not trust step grandad with my son

112 replies

Xina · 10/12/2016 19:10

I trust my mother with my life which is why I trust her to have my son over night once a week, but for her to leave him with her boyfriend that she has been with 2 years while she nips out here there and everywhere is not okay to me? AIBU? I have known him 2 years he is a nice guy but has had previous alcoholism, and has mental health issues and tbh I don't know that I trust him to be with my son alone, I have no issues with him I think he's great but I really don't know him, know him do I? Am I being Absolutely ridiculous or should I bring this up with her?

OP posts:
Graphista · 10/12/2016 19:33

This is why those of us with mh issues are so reluctant to disclose.

I'm as precious as any mum but I wouldn't have a problem with this providing there was no violence/abusiveness in his history (which is usually nothing to do with mh issues).

He's been sober 3 years, you've known him 2 years and say he is a nice guy.

As for enlightenment on mh starr here?

www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/mental-health-problems-introduction/#.WExYHcTfXCQ

Especially 'Are people with mental health problems dangerous?' Section

NeighTrumpSnort · 10/12/2016 19:36

Your ds is there once a week, does your dm HAVE to go out every time. I'd be annoyed at that as it is her that you have asked to have him....not him

LovingLola · 10/12/2016 19:40

Stop the overnights? You sound uncomfortable about it so I would stop them now and reassess the situation in a year or so.

Original poster
Xina · 10/12/2016 19:40

Graphista the Mh issues are not really relevant even if he didn't have these issues I would still be asking the same question, my sister has depression and anxiety but I trust her with my son more than I trust anyone in the world I suppose I just put those in the OP as not to drip feed and neightrump that is my exact question, WHY does she have to leave him with him? I just feel like I'm accusing if I ask

OP posts:
PurpleOneWithTheNutIn · 10/12/2016 19:41

My best friend said exactly this to me when I looked after her dd aged under one year, and my then new dp was in the house too. I wasn't offended, as far as I was concerned it's her child and I wanted her to feel happy to leave her dd with me. It was no problem for me to hear she wanted me to do all the looking after, changing etc.

Maybe worth a quiet chat with your mum?

PurpleOneWithTheNutIn · 10/12/2016 19:42

I say new dp, I'd been with him a while but my best friend hadn't spent much time with him.

LovingLola · 10/12/2016 19:43

What do you do on the nights when he is with your mum?

PaulAnkaTheDog · 10/12/2016 19:43

What a crying shame. No wonder people stay quiet about mental health conditions.

Original poster
Xina · 10/12/2016 19:44

Loving Lola how is that relevant?

OP posts:
Original poster
Xina · 10/12/2016 19:46

Paul as I said it's not the Mh issues that bother me my sis has them and I trust her more than anyone just info as not to drip feed and try get a more general picture of the person I'm trying to describe

OP posts:
BackforGood · 10/12/2016 19:46

My gut is telling me he's a nice man and loves my ds but can I ever know for sure he isn't going to harm him

Well, if we are talking 100% certainty, you can never tell that anyone isn't going to harm him - yes, including your Mum, your sisters,his Dad, any of the Nursery staff, or any future teachers, leaders, or coaches or friends or neighbours. But If you went through life thinking like that, you'd smother your child and never, ever allow him to go anywhere or do anything.

conserveisposhforjam · 10/12/2016 19:47

I don't think people here should be telling you to ignore your instincts about this.

harderandharder2breathe · 10/12/2016 19:49

How long is he left with him

I have MH issues, I volunteer with children and wouldn't even contemplate doing anything that would hurt them

dailymaillazyjournos · 10/12/2016 19:51

For me it's not so much the MH/alcohol issues but the fact he's only been on the scene for 2 years and I wouldn't trust someone who has been in the family for that length of time only. I have DGD overnight but would not leave her on her own with my bf. He's lovely but he can be a bit scatty and I'm not at all sure he is totally aware of how to keep a very small child out of danger. Trust your instinct.

Chippednailvarnishing · 10/12/2016 19:52

I wouldn't be happy with find out that who I thought was looking after my child wasn't actually there.
Yanbu.
The MH issues and alcoholism don't help.

Original poster
Xina · 10/12/2016 19:53

Tbh the MH issues are irrelevant, the true question is I trust 3 people in the world with my ds why is she leaving him with someone I don't trust and didn't give permission to be alone with.

OP posts:
ItShouldHaveBeenJingleJess · 10/12/2016 19:54

You mentioned the Take A Break style mags up thread; remember they sell on the premise that they will be full of heart-wrenching or terrifying stories of abuse, murder, child death etc. If they were full of nice stories about decent people, sadly they wouldn't be half as popular, but there are more decent people about than the ones portrayed in this particular corner of the media. I don't read things like that, and I avoid the news as both make me feel anxious and fearful.

At the end of the day, this is your son. Is your mum going out for long periods, or just nipping to the shops? As another poster said, she only has him for one evening a week, so it's not much to ask that she's actually with him during that time.

NavyandWhite · 10/12/2016 19:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ThisThingCalledLife · 10/12/2016 19:58

If your mum can't be bothered to stay in for the one night she has him then no point in dc staying there.

Also, if she's 'popping here there and everywhere', how exactly is she spending quality time with dc?

melj1213 · 10/12/2016 19:58

So basically your mum can't ever have your son if she ever might have to nip out or do something in case she has to leave him with her partner for a short time? It would be one thing if she'd said she'd have him overnight, you dropped him off at 7:00 and she went out on a night out at 7:30pm and wasn't coming back till the early hours, but is it really unreasonable to see that your son is settled at home, need to do X/Y/Z and assume it would be okay to leave him with her partner for a short time

Your son is 5, how does he feel about his step-grandad? He has been with your mum for half your son's life, will he ever be allowed to do things with your son or will he always be held at arms length, not truly trusted to be part of your family?

My brother's partner is very very PFB about who can look after my 18month old nephew, to the point that she's only just agreed to my dad or her step dad looking after him if her or my mum aren't there too, for no real reason beyond her own insecurities. It has caused a lot of tension as neither grandad has ever done anything to cause distrust and for a long while it really upset them that she was so distrustful of them to be able to look after their grandson even for half an hour, unless they were "supervised" by their wife ... not to mention the drama it caused with my mum and her mum trying to debate what was more important, letting my nephew nap and both grandparents sitting at home, or keeping him awake so my mum could take him to her appointments while dad was free at home

NavyandWhite · 10/12/2016 20:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BigFatBollocks · 10/12/2016 20:01

I wouldn't but I'm ultra cautious (& that's got nothing to with his mental health issues ab alcoholism).

SoEverybodyDance · 10/12/2016 20:06

It sounds as if you don't know this man very well and if this is the case it is probably useful to have a frank discussion with your mother. She needs to tell you what depression 'and that' really means. She needs to give you enough information so that you can make a decision about whether you want him to look after your child when she runs errands. That, in addition to observing them together can help you.

I once went to stay with a friend whose new boyfriend told my son he was going to take him to a museum for the day. He had mental health issues. I decided to go with them, take my knitting and sit in the restaurant while they had fun going around the museum together. I felt awkward but he was totally fine with that and and so was my friend and I'm sure it would have been okay without me, but I wasn't going to take anyone else's word for it.

Good luck with it...

BigFatBollocks · 10/12/2016 20:09

NAVY I'm sorry but to accuse the op of being anxious is not good. She's putting the safety of her child first. I would feel exactly the same and I'm not anxious, I want my child to be safe. The chances are he is a decent guy but I wouldn't personally take the risk. The stakes r too high. And my view has absolutely nothing to so with his previous history.

WeatherwaxOrOgg · 10/12/2016 20:11

I wouldn't allow this any under any circumstances.

As a child who experienced problems in this area at the hands of 2 family members (not step either, but real family) whose innocence my parents believed in, I can wholeheartedly say that you can never know.

I used my experience to protect my own children by never putting them in a position where they could be abused (obviously, I had to let them go to school etc). It meant that I only ever left them in the care of my husband, their father but they're all happy well adjusted children/adults now and I don't regret the 'going out' opportunities that I may have had to miss out on.

For perspective, later on in life I told my (normally loving) parents about a small part of what I went though and they basically called me a liar and asked why I was causing trouble, calling me an attention seeker. I'm not sure whether this is because it's easier to believe this than the truth or because they genuinely believe in the innocence of the other parties. Perhaps it's a combination of both, but I did give signs from time to time when I was little and they ignored them.

So, I'd obviously say, don't take the risk. Once the damage is done, it's undoable.

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