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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To stick to the bloody court order!!

114 replies

Mooey89 · 10/12/2016 08:43

I genuinely don't know if IABU and petty or not.
Abusive ex pushes boundaries absolutely constantly.

We were in court on Monday for a child arrangements order directions hearing.

Initially he has been given 4 hours per week. The dates and times are set out in a schedule which we both have a copy of.
Because he uses handovers to be abusive, it was agreed that either a)his brother or of unavailable my partner would meet at the local shop to handover.

This was agreed in court and is in an order.
This is in part so that there is no need to text for arrangements - he was constantly texting me abusive messages multiple times per day.

He's just text to say: 'my parents will collect from your house tomorrow at 1'.

I have no issue with his parents at all. But this is not what the order says and it's the first contact and it's the start of the pushing of the boundaries!

WIBU to say no, DP will meet him or his parents at the shop as per order? Or is that ridiculously petty??

OP posts:
BewtySkoolDropowt · 10/12/2016 08:45

Stick to the court order. If he gets away with this already then so knows what he will try further down the line.

Be firm.

FiveGoMadInDorset · 10/12/2016 08:45

Not petty at all

BewtySkoolDropowt · 10/12/2016 08:46

Who knows, I mean. Not so knows..

Belleende · 10/12/2016 08:46

Nope. Stick to the order. Ignore all texts. Take kids to arranged point at arranged time. If his representative is not there then take them home.

elodie2000 · 10/12/2016 08:47

Stick to the court order. Do not change a thing.
Without a doubt.

SheldonsSpot · 10/12/2016 08:47

Not petty at all.

Don't get into any text tennis, simple reply "DP will be at the shop with DD at 1pm, as per the court order" then ignore any further texts from him.

ShowMePotatoSalad · 10/12/2016 08:48

The reason he's chosen to do this is because it's either forcing you to get in to an argument with him or forcing you to be "petty".

Constantly changing agreed plans, especially in arbitrary and pointless ways, is about maintaining control.

Look at the way it's worded. It's an order, not a request.

You do not have to respond. I would let his parents come tomorrow and then explain to them about the court order and say you're sorry they're being dragged in to this but you can't communicate with him over text.

What time was the proper handover supposed to take place?

EveOnline2016 · 10/12/2016 08:48

If you have no problem with his parents then I think it's best for DC to be picked up from home.

It's no good for the child being out in this weather waiting for her father to pick him/her up.

I can see your frustration though and court orders are there for a reason.

ShowMePotatoSalad · 10/12/2016 08:49

Just to clarify I would send them away again without your DC and then stick to the agreed arrangements.

Original poster
Mooey89 · 10/12/2016 08:49

Thanks. That's what a I thought.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mooey89 · 10/12/2016 08:53

I text and said, it's court ordered, its for a reason, we can't change the arrangements.
He's just text back 'they don't need to know baby and it suits both of us.'
Baby?! It's been three fucking years! This is precisely what I'm trying to avoid!!!

OP posts:
hungryhippo90 · 10/12/2016 08:54

Stick to the court order OP.
I didn't with my ex, I deemed that sticking to it to the letter was petty, allowing extra contact, flexible with drop off place, who was picking up. All it did was backfire. I ended up seeing a solicitor in the end. She was furious I hadn't kept to the original court order. Much easier moving forward if you've stuck to the court order, if they see it as unfair and don't stick to it, the court can, and will judge him on that.

Hope that makes sense, I've read it back to myself as quite garbled!

ShowMePotatoSalad · 10/12/2016 08:56

In all honesty I think you need to put up more boundaries and barriers to his contact.

First off, you were under no obligation to respond. Secondly you didn't need to say anything in defence of your decision to stick to the court order.

Thirdly keep a record of his messages, never delete them. You'll need them for the next inevitably court hearing.

SVJAA · 10/12/2016 08:57

My XH is the same, I found that deviating from the court order made things a million times worse. Give him and inch and he'll take a mile sort of thing.

SheldonsSpot · 10/12/2016 08:57

Ignore. DO NOT RESPOND NOW, that's what he wants.

Your DP will be outside the shop with your DD at the agreed day and time.

If nobody chooses to collect her at the agreed place and time then they've unfortunately missed out on contact this time.

So then you take her to the park then did a hot chocolate to distract her, and same again next week.

abbsisspartacus · 10/12/2016 09:00

Do not be at your house from 12 onwards they will be early go out then to the shop on the way home

Original poster
Mooey89 · 10/12/2016 09:05

He's just sent three texts in a row about how unreasonable I am and how I'm not happy unless I'm in control and I'm pathetic. This is exactly what I'm trying to avoid!!!

OP posts:
prettywhiteguitar · 10/12/2016 09:09

Block his number and follow the court order

prettywhiteguitar · 10/12/2016 09:09

The man is a dick and is just getting his kicks from texting you

ShowMePotatoSalad · 10/12/2016 09:10

He's still being abusive. You do not need to respond to those messages. Please don't. You don't have to justify your standpoint at all. You have nothing to defend because you are following the terms of the CO.

WellyMummy · 10/12/2016 09:11

Don't respond, he's baiting you.

Stick to the court order, when GPs turn up explain the issue and how contact is to work and then go to the shop for handover. It may seem petty but you need to stick to the order and show exP that you mean it, without interacting.

Good luck.

youarenotkiddingme · 10/12/2016 09:12

Just text "the court made this order for a reason. I'm sure they'll be happy to review it in light of your recent communications. Perhaps we should arrange a contact centre - I don't believe they charge you much?"

throwingpebbles · 10/12/2016 09:12

Stick to the court order. He will constantly try and push away at things, my ex did the same and I regret every time i let him.

If necessary, get him to text and friend or family member and block him direct - the constant texts can be draining.
Huge sympathies!

Original poster
Mooey89 · 10/12/2016 09:15

He already has to text via my partner (he thinks I have a separate phone) - he's blocked from my phone.

OP posts:
throwingpebbles · 10/12/2016 09:16

Very sensible move! Sorry you are experiencing this. Stick to the court order and take screen shots of all his texts as evidence