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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To stick to the bloody court order!!

114 replies

Mooey89 · 10/12/2016 08:43

I genuinely don't know if IABU and petty or not.
Abusive ex pushes boundaries absolutely constantly.

We were in court on Monday for a child arrangements order directions hearing.

Initially he has been given 4 hours per week. The dates and times are set out in a schedule which we both have a copy of.
Because he uses handovers to be abusive, it was agreed that either a)his brother or of unavailable my partner would meet at the local shop to handover.

This was agreed in court and is in an order.
This is in part so that there is no need to text for arrangements - he was constantly texting me abusive messages multiple times per day.

He's just text to say: 'my parents will collect from your house tomorrow at 1'.

I have no issue with his parents at all. But this is not what the order says and it's the first contact and it's the start of the pushing of the boundaries!

WIBU to say no, DP will meet him or his parents at the shop as per order? Or is that ridiculously petty??

OP posts:
LadyVampire · 10/12/2016 10:15

Stick to court order, no matter how petty it seems. Even if he just wants to pick up 10 min early stick rigidly to court order then at least you can say you've done exactly what the court order says.

AyeAmarok · 10/12/2016 10:16

I see you have already confirmed that handover will be as stipulated in the court order.

Please don't doubt yourself in future! This has been put into the court order for a reason. The judge will be annoyed if you don't help yourself by agreeing to do things differently on his demand.

ShebaShimmyShake · 10/12/2016 10:16

Joffrey, no no no! The point of the order is to eliminate any need for contact between them. Everything is set out already. If he has any way of reaching her, he will use it to push boundaries, defy the order and generally fuck her over. He'll claim he can't do the pick up at the shop, or he has to change the time, whatever. Once he sees that she is sticking to the order and will simply NOT KNOW if he plans to defy it, he will have no choice but to do as he's told or lose his contact...and with no court sympathy for it. He will also not be able to abuse or harangue her. She simply won't be contactable.

I suppose there's always a chance he might have some car crash on the way and then not be able to let her know but the kids will be safe and she'll find out in due course. People managed arranged pick ups before mobiles.

Do NOT be contactable. Get a whole new number if you have to.

ShowMePotatoSalad · 10/12/2016 10:17

It's a sad fact that you will always need to maintain one line of communication with him should there be an emergency. It's a shame that that is the case but it's a necessity nonetheless. (Even communication through a third party can be used for manipulation and control). It's how you manage and control that line of communication from your end that is important. Boundaries and barriers at all times.

Does he ever try to phone you? Or is it all text?

Pollyanna9 · 10/12/2016 10:21

As Needsasock says - and what a BRILLIANT idea - 'divert' all his crap by buying a burner phone, so all these awful messages don't even get looked at as I find it's the drip drip drip all day that wears you down. You then wouldn't have to read them every day BUT you still get the evidence quietly building up of him ranting and raving textually on and on that you can then produce in court if you need to.

You really really really really should NOT have texted him back OP! NO ONE should be texting him back. If there's a problem the person from his side (the brother) can contact you.

I SO recall the being nice in one text then swapping to super nasty the next - ahh, happy memories (not!)!

UnmentionedElephantDildo · 10/12/2016 10:27

RTFT

"Add message | Report | Message poster Mooey89 Sat 10-Dec-16 09:15:37
He already has to text via my partner (he thinks I have a separate phone) - he's blocked from my phone."

HoopsandEverything · 10/12/2016 10:30

One more thing - if you take kids and he's not there - get a wide angled photograph of kids being outside said shop so that if he says he turned up and you weren't there you have a piece of evidence, that can be time stamped and shows them in the right place at the right time.

ShebaShimmyShake · 10/12/2016 10:31

If she's responding to his texts via any phone, it really doesn't matter which number he's using to harangue her, or whether he's blocked from one he doesn't need.

GinIsIn · 10/12/2016 10:31

Send just one final message saying "all contact should be carried out as per the terms of the court order. Do not contact me further." And leave it at that. DO NOT respond to anything after that and do not deviate from the order at all.

FlouncingInAWinterWonderland · 10/12/2016 10:40

Buy a cheap mobile phone get a payg sim and a number specifically for your EX. Block from all other devices. Formal contact can be via solicitor if necessary.

Turn on this device 15minutes prior to contact, turn off when your DC are safely home. Repeat for every contact.

I needed to block my ex from phoning and we agreed email contact. It keeps everything in writing which is postitive but I found the regular emails really upsetting. I created a folder specifically for his emails - they go there and I check and deal with the contacts once a week. The amount of stress it's alleviated is significant. ExH does now have house phone number but the inappropriate contact cycle is broken.

LeninaCrowne · 10/12/2016 10:40

"Contact arrangements as per Court Order only"

HateMrTumble · 10/12/2016 10:50

Mooey89 - the bit I won't stick to is that my child goes to his father on xmas eve and doesn't come back until the end of his birthday a week later. The other bit includes him seeing him one evening a week- which is fine.

HateMrTumble · 10/12/2016 10:51

I must add he hasn't seen him since a week old, he's now three- so entirely different situation to yours.

Italiangreyhound · 10/12/2016 10:55

Mooey89 no advice, except to save everything and the photo at the shop idea is great, if he does not turn up!

He sounds such a creepy arse, and thick, well done for getting free of him.

I am sure there is a whole lot of shit, no one knows about and you have come through it all as a great, strong person. Stay strong. Thanks

ChuckGravestones · 10/12/2016 10:58

It is in her interests to be able to provide any evidence of her claims should she wish to address the matter in front of a judge, the man is clearly stupid but if she really spells out that she will be using his texts then he will just stop sending them and start calling from withheld numbers

Which would not get answered and any messages left are more evidence.

I agree with a photo at the shop as proof. Good idea.

Original poster
Mooey89 · 10/12/2016 11:05

Thank you, italian, that really means a lot.

OP posts:
Italiangreyhound · 10/12/2016 11:07

Thanks thanks Mooey.

FlappysMammyAndPopeInExile · 10/12/2016 11:10

As others have said - stick to the order. This has the potential tone the thin end of the wedge, and means he has the satisfaction of calling the shots.

Keep any abusive texts or any suggesting that you ignore the court specified protocol (if you aren't already).

BadToTheBone · 10/12/2016 11:12

My stepdd lives with us now but prior to that all hand overs were done in the car park of a cinema local to her mum. There was no abuse and no court orders, it was just what her mum wanted. We were fine with that as it made no difference to us. You'll be right to stick to the court order when it's of no odds to anyone where they drive to.

Weedsnseeds1 · 10/12/2016 11:20

You have just done exactly what he wanted by replying to the text. You should be keeping all messages and applying for a restraining order. His interest in the child is purely as a mechanism for maintaining contact with you. He thinks he's being clever by mentioning the child in the text as it gives him an excuse if anyone points out he's not meant to contact you. Be prepared for him to constantly contact you during his visit time saying the child is I'll / crying/ won't settle and asking you to come to his house to collect early / help him settle child / change nappy. Don't do it. There will be nothing wrong with the child when you get there and you will have danced to his tune again. The child is a chain to yank you with for him, and nothing more.

kath6144 · 10/12/2016 11:48

why are you letting him think that the number he is texting is your second phone and not your partners? Let your partner text back "this is my phone, Mooey has no access to the texts, I will be at the contact place at the time/date arranged". Nothing more to be said. If he texts back, let your DP ignore and delete text without showing you.

My DB is a complete twat, unfortunately before DM died earlier this year, we had to have contact regarding her. He had my mobile, but a separate email set up just for his twatish emails.

A year ago he went mad at me for transferring some money from DMs bank account to cover xmas presents bought on her behalf. Threatened me with police, despite both of us having access to her account and both doing transfers before.

I blocked his number and DH texted him saying please contact me until further notice. DB would never say anything nasty to DH, he knows he wouldnt get away with it.

gttob · 10/12/2016 12:37

I allowed my ex to do this for years as it was good for the kids and when I eventually said no to another change because it wasn't good for the kids he refused to see the children for a year. It was devastating for them.
Contact still isn't by the order - he produces a spreadsheet every year of what he will have the following year, that or nothing. He dictates time and places and dates - I literally have no say or he won't see them. I tried mediation but he refused to go and tbh the court order I have is worthless so I won't spend another sum of money for another worthless bit of paper.
Currently he also texts the eldest and changes pick up time every single time, it's never consistent and it's a way of controlling me. I've started to make plans now right until the original time on his spreadsheet so there's no arguments. I just say that or court order.

Wish id never decided to deviate from it is been years of pain not many left to go.

CruCru · 10/12/2016 13:29

So did he turn up at the shop, OP?

Original poster
Mooey89 · 10/12/2016 13:31

It also tomorrow Cru

OP posts:
CruCru · 10/12/2016 16:27

Ah, I see (sorry).