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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To stick to the bloody court order!!

114 replies

Mooey89 · 10/12/2016 08:43

I genuinely don't know if IABU and petty or not.
Abusive ex pushes boundaries absolutely constantly.

We were in court on Monday for a child arrangements order directions hearing.

Initially he has been given 4 hours per week. The dates and times are set out in a schedule which we both have a copy of.
Because he uses handovers to be abusive, it was agreed that either a)his brother or of unavailable my partner would meet at the local shop to handover.

This was agreed in court and is in an order.
This is in part so that there is no need to text for arrangements - he was constantly texting me abusive messages multiple times per day.

He's just text to say: 'my parents will collect from your house tomorrow at 1'.

I have no issue with his parents at all. But this is not what the order says and it's the first contact and it's the start of the pushing of the boundaries!

WIBU to say no, DP will meet him or his parents at the shop as per order? Or is that ridiculously petty??

OP posts:

MrsRyanGosling15 · 10/12/2016 09:17

Genuinely why can't you throw your phone away? Why do you even need his number? If his brother can not collect then the brother can let u know. Give them your partners number. I can not believe you actually responded to that text.

43percentburnt · 10/12/2016 09:17

Get a new number and don't give it to him. The court order clearly states your DC should be at the shop at X time so no need to be in contact. Put your current number in a payg - keep all abusive texts - get a friend to check it every now and again but no need for you to respond.

Your partner can tell ex anything you need him to know at handover.

What will you do when hands your child back late? Has the judge said what should happen?

It's really important you don't respond, he is doing this to annoy/goad/be abusive to you - don't rise to it.

joystir59 · 10/12/2016 09:18

ignore his messages- he's just trying to push against your boundaries again. Ignore his messages. Stick to the CO. Ignore his messages. Stick to the CO.

ShowMePotatoSalad · 10/12/2016 09:18

I'm surprised he's stupid enough to say he wants to ignore the CO and put words to the effect of "they don't need to know" in writing. Isn't that technically contempt of court? Not very smart of him.

Let today be the first day of not responding to him. Next time he texts you to try to change something, ignore him. He can't argue with a brick wall. If he continues to insult you and harass you, save the messages but otherwise ignore them. The court order has been put in place partly to avoid the need to have discussions about arrangements, as you say.

With a court order the only need for communication is in emergencies. What is the emergency here? There isn't one. It's about trying to maintain control over you and keep you in contact with him. He's getting his kicks from it for whatever reason.

HoopsandEverything · 10/12/2016 09:18

Stick to the court order

If his parents do come to the house, apologies, but explain that court rules are court rules and your partner has taken them to the agreed meeting place.

There's nothing to stop you inviting the parents in for a cup of tea if you do really get on well with them (assuming their son has gone to collect his children). Or they can choose to go and pick up the children from the shop if their son hasn't gone to do the pickup.

pictish · 10/12/2016 09:21

Just text "The kids will be at the shop at 1pm as per the court order. End of discussion." then don't respond to anything else he sends.

Starlight2345 · 10/12/2016 09:21

What I would do is now do not respond at all..Make sure you are out before pick up time. go out for lunch if it is 1pm pick up, a run round the park so if parents do call you aren't in otherwise you will feel petty not letting collect.. this will be all part of messing with the times.. Come ten minutes earlier, ten minutes later anything to keep you dancing to his tune.

If you want to send one more text DC will be at ... at insert time.

pictish · 10/12/2016 09:22

"He's just text back 'they don't need to know baby and it suits both of us.'"

If you don't respond to that he'll think you're in agreement.

R2G · 10/12/2016 09:24

I would have your partner respond 'I am dealing with future texts. Just to confirm I'll be at the shop at 1. See you/ your parents or brother then,
I think it will diffuse things if he knows he's not texting you. Also your partner can ignore everything but arrangements.

Original poster

Mooey89 · 10/12/2016 09:25

I did text back to that one and said 'it's a court order andDS will be at shop at 1. That's what lead to the three texts calling me pathetic!

OP posts:

ShowMePotatoSalad · 10/12/2016 09:26

pictish he can think what he likes. He has no right to assume she would be in agreement - he's the one who has tried to force this deviation from CO on her, not the other way round.

That would mean she has to respond to all his requests for changes to the agreed plans, otherwise he'd always just be able to assume she was in agreement. Radio silence doesn't mean agreement.

user1477282676 · 10/12/2016 09:28

Let him think what he likes as Potato says. He will soon find out he is wrong. He's trying to control things.

SexTrainGlue · 10/12/2016 09:31

You DP should text back

"You will need to go back to court if you want to change the arrangements. DC will be available for contact as agreed with judge. Change without return to court does not suit us"

abbsisspartacus · 10/12/2016 09:31

What happens to him when he breaks the court order? Police or back to court? Can you call the police for advice?

Mybeautifullife1 · 10/12/2016 09:32

Keep to the order. Make sure you keep his texts.

SexTrainGlue · 10/12/2016 09:32

Sorry, slow typing and x-ed with OP's last.

I hope you're not responding to abusive texts, but are keeping them, in case a return to court is needed.

Original poster

Mooey89 · 10/12/2016 09:33

He had to sign an undertaking to the court to bring him back promptly.

If he doesn't bring him back or is late he's technically in contempt of court and can theoretically be imprisooned which the judge drummed into him.

We are due back for a fact finding hearing in January so he's being really stupid to muck around so early on!

OP posts:

Aeroflotgirl · 10/12/2016 09:34

Stick to the order, wait at the designated place, if not there, take them home. Hosreactiob tells you all you need to know!

ChuckGravestones · 10/12/2016 09:35

Text back 'All of this is excellent evidence so thank you. Partner, at shop, at 1.'

ShowMePotatoSalad · 10/12/2016 09:35

I would make a back up of those texts in case your phone is lost or damaged.

Aeroflotgirl · 10/12/2016 09:35

His reaction I meant.

DecaffCoffeeAndRollupsPlease · 10/12/2016 09:35

He calls you baby? My god, he's infuriating! I'm angry and he's not even my ex...

Original poster

Mooey89 · 10/12/2016 09:36

Decaff he alternates from 'baby' to 'you're a fucking sociopath'.
It's all about minimisation and control.

He's a fucking delight!

OP posts:

ShowMePotatoSalad · 10/12/2016 09:37

He calls you a "fucking sociopath"? In a text?

Wow, this guy. Not the sharpest tool in the box is he? But a tool nonetheless.

Original poster

Mooey89 · 10/12/2016 09:40

Yep! All beautifully in writing.
The day before court he text me to say I am a 'damaged soul' and he is going to 'skilfully illustrate' what a sociopath I am in court.

Needless to say, he didn't!

OP posts:

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