VERY LONG POST!
AIBU to ask for help in how to deal with this man?
I'm sat here feeling really angry at him and worried I'm going to end up snapping at him next time i see him (probably in an hour for his scheduled 10.30am pestering!)
He's elderly and lives alone. He's recently had an accident and injured his wrist. I'm trying to keep all this in mind - i'm normally quite patient - but i cannot take much more of this.
Basically - i've known him around ten years. He lives on the ground floor of our building. I live on the first. We've always just been "Hello, how are you?" type of acquaintances. But since our other neighbour died two years ago - they were close - he's tried to engage with me on a much friendlier basis, and i just cannot be annoyed with it. He's actually making me miserable. Particularly this week.
Example:
Usually i leave the building at 7am to drop my daughter off at breakfast club. His lights are usually off, so i presume he's sleeping. So we get to leave the building with no hassle.
However, i finished up for Christmas last week (I'm a final year student but have a shit load of assignments to hand in before Christmas and exams to revise for in early January) so was looking forward to working from home these next two weeks while my daughter is at school. Nope - have so far achieved nothing of the sort this week.
Each morning as we're coming down the stairs to head to school, his door opens and out he comes. His front door is right next to the communal entrance/exit, so he stands there blocking it and tries to engage me in conversation. My daughter has been late for school 5/5 days this week because of it this week.
On Monday, he told me about his wrist injury that happened Sunday night. I was polite, showed concern, told him i was here if he needed me (did not give him my new number this time, as last time after he got another injury a few years ago he was phoning up to 5 times a day asking for things or for a chat). I got my daughter to school ten minutes late.
Then on the way back, he saw me coming up the path (his living room window looks out onto the exterior communal entrance so there is no way of sneaking in/out without him seeing) and stopped me again with a shopping list. I thought fine, fair enough, i did offer. I asked him if it was anything he needed urgently, as I wouldn't be heading out again until 3pm. He assured me it wasn't.
An hour later, he knocks on my door and thanks me again for offering to do his shopping. I thought it was a hint for me to get it bought, so i asked again - is it anything you need urgently? He said nope, happy to wait til the afternoon. Then he asks for a drink of water as he's just had to hoik himself up a set of long stairs to see me. He was really looking wobbly so i invited him in for a sit down (feeling very uncomfortable all the while, he's never been into my house before). He didn't leave til 2pm! I made him lunch and he ended up watching my telly. I still have no idea how this came about and am so angry with myself for not being more assertive. A totally wasted day.
I won't go into detail of every single day but it's just been constant this week. Usually it's maybe 2-3 times per week he catches us leaving/entering the building, or knocks our door so I've tolerated it previously. As i appreciate he is lonely. But this week, it's been 5+ times each day. I'm unable to leave or enter the building without his door opening. I'm unable to sit and relax and concentrate on my work at home as I'm so on edge the door is going to knock.
But basically, he stops us every morning before going to school to chat to us about nothing in particular. I've said bluntly the past three days - sorry, pete (not real name) but we're very late. Can you tell me after i drop DD off at school? He apologises then continues prattling on. No matter how many times i repeat. And i can't physically walk away because he stands blocking the exit.
Then on my way back from school around 9.20 - he stops me again. I've started walking in pretending i'm talking on my mobile. But then he knocks my door about an hour later asking if this is a good time - so yesterday, every time i answered my door (gas man, postman etc), i've had to answer it pretending i'm on the phone again in case it's my neighbour.
I've had to start leaving the house at 2.30pm to collect my daughter from school (school is less than a five min walk away) just so he can get his conversation out of the way without me being late to collect my daughter at 3pm.
This morning, i was completely on edge going down the stairs. Me and my daughter were practically tiptoeing - sure enough, he opened his door. How the hell can he hear us?? I said outright before he'd said a word - sorry pete we're very, very late. And made for the door without making eye contact. Out he comes and blocks it. Then starts talking about something irrelevant - not urgent at all - then asks "Listen, pal, was just wondering what trouser size you are?" I laughed, as I was surprised. He didn't elaborate. So i asked why. He said "My friend's neice has got a load of trousers she's trying to shift. I could get you designer stuff half price". I was fuming. Really worried i was going to snap at him. Told him no thanks, i don't need new clothes. He tried to convince me again, telling me i wouldn't get them at a better price etc, offering to get the neice to come round and show me them later if i wanted. I repeatedly said no, can we get past? He tried a few more times then moved out the way.
Sure enough, on my way back he came out of his house holding his mobile, I pretended to be on my mine, so hand gestured now was not a good time as i've dashed upstairs talking on the phone to my imaginary friend Joan and came here to rant. I presume he had pictures of the trousers on his phone and that's what he wanted to show me.
He regularly tries to get me to buy things from his friends. Always acting like he's doing me a favour getting things cheap. Always following a sob story about how his friends need the money. or his friends are raising money for charity. Sofas, toys, raffle tickets, tickets for charity nights, but it's never been anything personal. I'm just really pissed off about this latest one as he acted so normally when he asked me my clothing size. i'm probably over sensitive though.
Other info:
He is very independent. Not open to the idea of carers (I suggested this on Monday as a temporary measure until his wrist is better and he was livid at the suggestion)
He is cognitively astute - no obvious signs of impairment in conversation
He does have family come at the weekend who take him out. But they aren't very nice. I tried to approach them about 8 months ago after pete had come to my door really drunk and upset about a family friend dying (who i dont know at all!) and so I asked them to have a word with their dad (pete) as it had disturbed my daughter. I got an earful about how their dad isn't a pest, and how much their dad is fond of me, and how it's expected of neighbours to look out for each other.
Sorry this is so long. Started writing it when i was still full of rage. Actually think i've calmed myself down a bit just by ranting here.
Telling him outright that no this is not a good time for a chat is ineffective as he just tries again later.
Yesterday, coming home from school pick up in the afternoon, he tried to chat to us again. I sent dd upstairs to let herself into the flat. I told him tactfully that he has to stop coming to the door, catching us on the way in/out etc as I had lots of work i need to get done. Maybe he could just pop his shopping list or a note through the letterbox or leave it under his door mat and i can check it etc? He looked a bit bashful at this and apologised. I thought that had done the trick. Clearly not after this morning's trouser sale chat!
He told me previously that he comes from quite a tough family so he has plenty of friends who could knock someone out. So i'm actually really scared to do anything behind his back (such as report him to environmental health for neighbour meditation, or go to his family again for support.) He didn't just tell me this randomly by the way. It was a response to something. He'd stopped me once on the way to uni to tell me he'd been getting some grief from a woman a few streets away about something daft. Apparently she had become quite threatening. I advised him to phone the police. He laughed and said his family don't deal with the police. if he had an issue, it was dealt with through his nephews and sons.
On the plus side - he's told me the physio has said his wrist should be fixed in 6 weeks so should i just tolerate this for another 5 weeks?
And i'm moving out once i graduate in the summer so i'm not feeling too down, as i know this isn't forever.
What would you do in the meantime?
Again, sorry for the length! Feeling much better after just ranting it out. But still a bit on edge as i know he's going to knock again soon. And he knows that i'm in, so ignoring doesn't work. he would happily stand there all day knocking.