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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not invite this child to DS's party?

93 replies

MyShinyThing · 08/12/2016 19:30

I've said he can invite 6 friends to his party & I was going to send invites out tomorrow as it in January.

But tonight for the second time in the last 3 weeks he's come home from school saying he doesn't like brown people because they're all muslims & there are too many muslims & they're all bad!

This absolutely hasn't come from us or any of our family or friends. We've talked about racism & different religions again & I'll be talking to the teacher (again) tomorrow. I've made my feeling extremely clear to him!

Apparently one friend has been telling him this & says his mum has told him he shouldn't play with another friend because he's brown & a Muslim!

I'm completely disgusted. But do I say this boy can't come to his party because he's saying this? They're only 6 so it's obviously all coming from the parents. Do I leave him out? I feel really torn.

OP posts:

DailyFail1 · 08/12/2016 19:37

I would leave him out personally and ask teachers to separate them at school. Wouldn't want my child repeating this kind of rubbish.

NicknameUsed · 08/12/2016 19:39

I would want school to know that this is happening so they stamp out racism before it takes a strong hold.

I would want nothing to do with the racist bigot of a parent who thinks that racism is OK.

GravyAndShite · 08/12/2016 19:41

it would really hurt to hear Dd say such things.
Don't leave the boy out. Get to the library and chose some great books to educate him! Set up a play date and unbrainwash him. Buy him his favourite for Christmas.

mortgagefreesoon5 · 08/12/2016 19:51

As per pp I'd tell the school. It's obviously not the 6 years old child fault so I'd still invite him over

Original poster

MyShinyThing · 08/12/2016 19:53

Thanks for replies.

I have informed the school once already & will be talking to the head tomorrow. I'm not sure I want them playing together but unfortunately where we live these sort of opinions aren't uncommon!

That's a lovely idea gravy but I think actually I'll focus my energy on doing that with DS as he was pretty insistent that his friend was right. I'm not sure I can combat the child's home life with one play date.

It's difficult to tell with DS whether he grasps the seriousness as he has a horrible habit of mucking about or telling me "I know, I know" which drives me up the wall. We'll definitely be talking about it some more.

My head says not to invite him but then he's only a little boy!

OP posts:

GravyAndShite · 08/12/2016 19:58

I know, theory and reality are two different things. You get your sixth sense we only get to read your post.

Ugh, it's so horrible. I just see it as the most horrible thing to flood a child's mind with this hate (feel that way about most beliefs but that's another thread!)

With your DS "I know I know" is not listening. I'm hoping not to be condescending here I'm sure you know, but get down on your haunches to eye level with him and really make contact. Also show him good examples of listening - e.g. Mute the tv and turn your head to make eye contact if he approaches you so you can show you have given your full attention.

zzzzz · 08/12/2016 20:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

MyShinyThing · 08/12/2016 20:06

Thanks Gravy, no I know he was doing his very best not to listen to me. He'd just got out the bath & I'd wrapped him in a towel which I still had hold of so he was right in front of me at eye level. But he'll look anywhere except directly at me when I'm trying to be serious. His dad also had a word when he got in from work.

I won't be leaving it there, we will discuss it again but possibly in a less confrontational way. I was pretty upset to hear him saying it and cross that he's even being exposed to it.

I never thought we'd have to have these conversations, we have a pretty racially mixed group of family & friends that he plays with happily. We just live in the midst of BNP country!

OP posts:

FlimFlamMam · 08/12/2016 20:06

The little boy is only 6, please don't exclude him, it's not his fault he's coming out with this shit, he needs his friends and positive influences in his life, imagine what home must be like for him.

Original poster

MyShinyThing · 08/12/2016 20:07

Plenty zzzz but we live in a very white town!

OP posts:

Original poster

MyShinyThing · 08/12/2016 20:10

That's how I feel Flim but at the same time I don't want DS exposed to it & also the child that is being racially bullied will also be there.

OP posts:

Imaginosity · 08/12/2016 20:17

I wouldn't exclude a 6 year old - he's not a bad person just because he's repeating what he's heard elsewhere. Hopefully the school will teach him it's unacceptable and he'll stop saying it.

nevereverever83 · 08/12/2016 20:19

"the child that is being racially bullied will also be there"

Obviously don't invite the racist kid then. Duh.

zzzzz · 08/12/2016 20:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FlimFlamMam · 08/12/2016 20:25

Don't label a 6 year old a 'racist kid', he's just repeating what the grown ups around him are saying, he's not a racist.

Original poster

MyShinyThing · 08/12/2016 20:31

That's exactly what I said last time (& this time) zzzzz & thought that we had nipped it in the bud but then he's come out with it again tonight! Obviously this friend has been saying it a lot.

Tonight I lost it a bit & told him it's racist & racists are the nastiest kind of people. Muslims are just people like every other they just happen to follow a particular religion like being a Christian. We've talked about not all black people being muslims & not all muslims are black. How we judge people on their actions & words and not the colour of their skin.

I think we probably won't be inviting him, but unfortunately they're both going to tea at another child's house next week.

OP posts:

d270r0 · 08/12/2016 20:32

Hes only 6 and repeating what hes heard. Not his fault at the moment. In exactly the same way your ds just repeated what he had heard but is not racist himself. I would still invite him but if he said something within my hearing I would definitely say something to him. To not invite him over this yet invite all ds' other friends would be incredibly cruel, the boy will not know or understand why he hasn't been invited and would be very upset over it.

Yummyyummybuscuits · 08/12/2016 20:34

As a Muslim... he's not racist he is repeating what he has heard from his parents however I would not invite him based on the fact I wouldn't want him.isolating the poor boy who has been classed as 'bad'. I'm white by the way not 'brown'. Could you explain to him.not all people are bad not all Muslims are brown. And being Muslim doesn't mean you are bad. It just means they believe in a different religion...

Yummyyummybuscuits · 08/12/2016 20:34

Sorry x post on the part where you had this chat with him

Yummyyummybuscuits · 08/12/2016 20:35

Let the school deal with it. Will parents stay at the party? If so and the other boy makes comments you could politely ask the parent for them to leave and explain why
Might be good for the parents to see not everyone thinks like them
...

GravyAndShite · 08/12/2016 20:36

It's horrible. But he is just copying and wanting to fit in. To him it's no different to who can spit the farthest. You can still teach him manners and still guide him on this.

I know what you mean - hearing something like that you (and I) can loose your shit and all the useful reactions go to pot.

Take an adult time out. Sit quietly for as long as you need to to work out what you need to convey to him and how.

Teach him generally about racism and specifically about bullying. Teach him. Don't shame him. He is 6, he doesn't need to deal with being ashamed of himself on top of everything else he now has to learn.

Not a preachy post - I lose it when these curve balls come in, but I also apologise and reassure myself it's a good lesson in admitting when we are wrong!

merrymouse · 08/12/2016 20:42

I would invite the boy if you think he is just repeating what he has been told at home and your son sees him as a friend. You can't stop your son from playing with him at school.

Either way I would tell the school again that there is a problem and I would want to know that they are taking practical and immediate steps to combat bullying and racism.

SemiNormal · 08/12/2016 20:43

It's so tricky because now your DS is saying it, how would you feel if he was excluded from a party in 6wks time because a child has gone home and said your DS has said these things?

Crumbs1 · 08/12/2016 20:48

I would not have child to party.
I would report to school.
Whilst educating my own with lovely books and stories I would also clamp down hard on that sort of talk. Not a nice 'let's discuss this chat' but an emphatic No that is not acceptable and I will be very cross if you say it again. I'd react as if they had used F or C word.

Boundaries · 08/12/2016 20:57

You won't change that little boy's parroted words in one play date, but you will expose him to an inclusive alternative if you invite him to the party.

I hear racism ALL THE TIME at work (I'm a teacher, in an area that was v white until v recently and is now v mixed) and I challenge it EVERY time. The more children of racist parents see alternative ways of being, the better.

Keep an eye, obviously, and challenge anything you hear.

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