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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not invite this child to DS's party?

93 replies

MyShinyThing · 08/12/2016 19:30

I've said he can invite 6 friends to his party & I was going to send invites out tomorrow as it in January.

But tonight for the second time in the last 3 weeks he's come home from school saying he doesn't like brown people because they're all muslims & there are too many muslims & they're all bad!

This absolutely hasn't come from us or any of our family or friends. We've talked about racism & different religions again & I'll be talking to the teacher (again) tomorrow. I've made my feeling extremely clear to him!

Apparently one friend has been telling him this & says his mum has told him he shouldn't play with another friend because he's brown & a Muslim!

I'm completely disgusted. But do I say this boy can't come to his party because he's saying this? They're only 6 so it's obviously all coming from the parents. Do I leave him out? I feel really torn.

OP posts:
Original poster
MyShinyThing · 08/12/2016 21:14

Thank you everyone. Reading through a bit more I think those who have said invite him but keep a close eye/ear are right. His mother won't stay, she didn't last year but I have her mobile number from last years party so can call her back if I need to.

And as I said earlier I will be talking to the school again tomorrow.

DH and I will continue talking to DS. I've told him I find it disgusting and tried to impress the seriousness however I also want to know if his friend is still saying these things after the school have taken action. So although I've said there will be punishments if I hear it again I'd rather he know why it's wrong so that he's more likely to tell me in future. If that makes any sense!

OP posts:
GravyAndShite · 08/12/2016 21:17

Disgusting is a really strong word for a 6 year old. Sad

Original poster
MyShinyThing · 08/12/2016 21:20

I know it is Gravy but racism is disgusting. I didn't say he was or the child is. I told him I found racism disgusting. If I hadn't been caught off guard at bath time I might have considered my words a bit more carefully but I don't think it was completely inappropriate.

OP posts:
DailyFail1 · 08/12/2016 21:29

I'm brown. Until you've been judged and dismissed on the basis of your skin colour as a child OP you won't understand. I personally think it's horrific that your 6 year old son repeated a racist comment and you're letting the child he learned it from attend his party (where the brown kid he attacked will presumably be there). This teaches your son nothing of the consequences of racism as your actions do not match your words. Think of this in another way - if the other boy was bullying your son would you be so lenient?

Agree the boy may be parroting racist views but what he said was racist and meant to hurt another child. The boy is a bully. Wouldn't want my kids anywhere near him.

chocolateworshipper · 08/12/2016 21:31

As the boy who is being bullied will be at the party, I would not invite the boy who has been saying these things. I personally don't think your DS will have such a great time at the party if both boys are there, and I would give priority to the one being bullied rather than the boy saying these things.

chocolateworshipper · 08/12/2016 21:31

PS - especially as it is such a small party

Original poster
MyShinyThing · 08/12/2016 21:48

You're right Daily, I definitely wouldn't be so lenient. I'd be demanding the school took action & I'd want him nowhere near DS.

Tomorrow I will talk to the school, I want to know what they're planning to do. There's no way of keeping them apart at school though, it's a pretty small school. I won't be encouraging the friendship, and inviting him to the party would be just that.

OP posts:
scottishdiem · 08/12/2016 21:48

GravyAndShite - disgusting is a good word. It helps convey the seriousness of the issue regardless of the age. It would help OP DS understand this is unacceptable as well.

DailyFail1 - my DP is black and the pain that can sometimes be seen in DPs eyes when people don't immediately and clearly challenge and reject racist behaviour chills me. It is the difference between being non-racist and anti-racist.

JennyPocket · 08/12/2016 21:54

I would go ahead and invite both, but try to ensure they have a great time together and if any racist comments made, I would say "We don't say things like that in this house, and we don't believe things like that in this house. If you carry on speaking to (or about) X like that you will have to go home as those words/actions do.not.happen. in this house."

Give him an opportunity to a) have fun with the kid and b) show that any racist words/behaviour is definitely not allowed within your house. (directly showing him that parents other than his own completely disagree with what he has heard so far.

If it did happen that something was said, when the boys parents came to collect I would say "Your DS said this -- about X. I told him that we don't say things like that in this house and we don't believe things like that either. Gosh knows where they get these ideas from Hmm but obviously we can't have (your DS) making comment like that without making it clear that it's not on." Maybe it would shame them into thinking differently or at least realising those views won't make their DS very popular with other kids/parents.

DailyFail1 · 08/12/2016 21:56

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

JennyPocket · 08/12/2016 22:01

But daily, my instinct would also be to just ban the boy but then OTOH how will he learn that other people, his peers and parents of his peers, not just school rules, do not tolerate that behaviour in real terms? Doesn't racism need challenging rather than locking in a bubble to potentially fester?

Obviously if the racism went on and beyond then I wouldn't want my DC being friends with that boy. But initially I would like to have the opportunity to show that boy a different way to the one he is being exposed to.

GravyAndShite · 08/12/2016 22:01

If this is how white people tackle racism in children no wonder there's so much of it.

Did I say I was white?

MysweetAudrina · 08/12/2016 22:11

What is the difference between your boy repeating what he heard and this little boy repeating what he has heard? Are you going to let your son attend the party? What if he says something to the other boy? I would invite him and I bet they just all get on. Tolerance has to work every way. I think showing a six year old tolerance is a good place to start.

crystalgall · 08/12/2016 22:15

If my (brown and Muslim son) was invited to a party with children who were saying he was bad and evil and wouldn't play with him and would bully him, I would be devastated.

It's not my job to fix racist people's children. I have to protect my kid from this shit. It's real for us and hypothetical for 99% of MN (I'm guessing)

I would be really pissed off if the party host knew there was racism and bullying going on and still subjected my child to that.

crystalgall · 08/12/2016 22:17

You bet they all get along? Or they gang up on the brown Muslim and exclude him because one party isn't going to magically change that.

They are in school all day every day and that hasn't helped. Why would a party do it?

SharpLily · 08/12/2016 22:28

My immediate instinct would be to keep this boy well away from my child, including not inviting him to the party, however as others have pointed out, don't children learn best by correctly modelled behaviour? And how will he learn about inclusiveness by being excluded?

On the other hand, if there's even a hint of this unpleasant attitude at the party, I would make an example of him, shame him in public. I know he's only six, but come down hard on him in front of the other kids, make it clear why he is in trouble - no taking him quietly to the side - and call his parents to collect him straight away. Not just for him, but so that every other child there can see how that sort of attitude and language is unacceptable.

MysweetAudrina · 08/12/2016 22:37

Well I happen to try and see the good in everyone so I would invite him and make sure there was no ganging up or behaviour that would make any of the children in my care uncomfortable. If you can't show tolerance to a six year old then I'm afraid your tolerance is fairly self serving.

Original poster
MyShinyThing · 08/12/2016 22:39

There isn't much difference Mysweet other than I want DS to know that it's not acceptable whereas the other child's parents are obviously actively encouraging it. If DS were to repeat these things in school I would expect & hope that they would come down on it hard.

I don't think we can model good behaviour & set an example at one 2 hour birthday party. I think it would just make it awful for the other child if he were to say anything.

I'm going to talk to the school & make sure they deal with it.

OP posts:
GravyAndShite · 08/12/2016 22:54

If this is how white people tackle racism in children no wonder there's so much of it.

So awkward that you assumed the people posting here with certain opinions are all white. When we take a quick read at the definition of racism... awkward.

Also, note that OP child is not rascist if he is parroting words. He is rascist if he believes those words.

OP good luck trying to reach him if you go down a punitive road when tackling your latest parenting responsibility. I fear 'I know I know' will become a very common phrase in your house.

I'm out. Angry

To not invite this child to DS's party?
ItsALLAboutMeMeMeMeME · 08/12/2016 23:00

I'm not about blaming 6 yr olds for stuff they learn at home but this is a particularly insidious nastiness that your child is already succumbing to, given you've spoken to him not once but twice about it. It's hard on the other child not to be invited but what kind of mixed message are you sending to your own son if you do invite someone whose behaviour you disapprove of so strongly? If you want your son to get the message about consequences then one consequence he will understand is that you can't invite this friend. You say yourself you're not sure if your son took what you said seriously, well, I'm going to stick my neck out and say he didn't given what you describe as his reaction.
I think you do have to be tougher about this, explain that some grown ups believe and say things that are very wrong because they don't know any better and his friend's parents are those kind of grown ups. Not only are they wrong, they are teaching their son to be wrong, you can say it's not his fault but that you don't want your son to learn those wrong things too.
Also, out of fairness to the target of the bullying, sure, it'll be a potential 'teachable moment' if the bully were to say or do something mean at the party but that's hardly going to be much of a consolation to the victimised child after the fact is it? My long winded way of saying IWNBU to not invite this child.

crystalgall · 08/12/2016 23:07

Oh please. Am I tolerant of other kids calling mine a p*? A terrorist? No.

If it was my own sons party noway would this kid be invited. But in OP case if you are going to invite I echo the pp who said the minute something inappropriate is said he is out of there.

80schild · 08/12/2016 23:13

Personally, I would give your son an ultimatum. He can either stop copying this awful behaviour or his party will be cancelled. I wouldn't necessarily uninvite the child but I would make it perfectly clear to the mother that if her son was there, he would be expected to behave in an appropriate way (but then you really would have to follow through).

GravyAndShite · 08/12/2016 23:14

crystalgall you can respond to a question I didn't ask if you want, but it doesn't strengthen your argument.

If I am misunderstanding something here please educate me. Why is what you just wrote not racist? Or do you admit that it was, but it's ok because it wasn't the 'bad' kind of rascism?

conserveisposhforjam · 08/12/2016 23:28

Oh jesus we're not on 'you're being racist to white people' are we? Are we?!

Op I think you need to think about who the underdog is here. It's the poor kid who is being put right in the firing line so that if something overtly racist happens (and you're there, not sorting out a cake, and you hear it, properly, and it's unambiguous) you can use it to teach the other two something. But that's a pretty shitty party for THAT 6 year old isn't it?

It's a hard one but I think little Farage has to stay home.

FeralBeryl · 08/12/2016 23:57

To be quite frank, I think although MiniFarage is obviously massively out of order, you need to be far more aggressive in your handling of DS's behaviour.
We would treat this at the most serious of things the children could say.
He is 6 not 2, if he started daily calling you a fat fucker ( sure you aren't Wink) or every old man he walked past a cunt you'd be throwing some massive consequences his way and not accepting that he was parroting.

To minimise it will allow a trickle of acceptability. I'd stamp all over it to the point where your DS feels aggrieved enough to stop his friend.

Children are inquisitive, they sometimes question why people look or act differently to themselves. Completely natural, not racist.
Whilst they are so young, simple explanations about people being different to one another in lots of ways will suffice.

When mine are bigger, I will explain racism fully, I hope and pray they are dumbfounded when they hear that they wouldn't have been able to sit on a bus with their friends once upon a time.

Oh and party wise-I think I'd withhold the invite for now and see how the child behaves until after Christmas Wink
I think it's lovely of you to try and police the situation, but the ensuing chaos will mean that you could miss all kinds of unpleasant behaviour.

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