To not invite this child to DS's party?

[MyShinyThing]

I've said he can invite 6 friends to his party & I was going to send invites out tomorrow as it in January.

But tonight for the second time in the last 3 weeks he's come home from school saying he doesn't like brown people because they're all muslims & there are too many muslims & they're all bad!

This absolutely hasn't come from us or any of our family or friends. We've talked about racism & different religions again & I'll be talking to the teacher (again) tomorrow. I've made my feeling extremely clear to him!

Apparently one friend has been telling him this & says his mum has told him he shouldn't play with another friend because he's brown & a Muslim!

I'm completely disgusted. But do I say this boy can't come to his party because he's saying this? They're only 6 so it's obviously all coming from the parents. Do I leave him out? I feel really torn.

I think I already said several times that we won't be inviting him. Sorry if I haven't made that clear enough.

I may have missed that, sorry

Your right not to invite him. Spell it out to your son. 'X is saying nasty racist things and so isn't allowed to come to your party'. If your son repeats it to the boy, that's positive. He needs to know that what he's saying is unacceptable.

But if they all play nicely together he isn't being bullied. And being friends with people regardless of their differences is the best way to ensure "Mimni Farage" doesn't grow up a racist.

Cant really see what you are achieving by keeping them separate other than enforcing a them and us situation..

In this situation allowing the boy to attend might give the impression to your son that the behaviour is acceptable. I'd go with zero tolerance of racism till he has a better understanding.

If it sends a clear message to your son and the boy about what is socially acceptable, that's great.

RedHelen op states there's already been problems with mini farage bullying the non-White boy that's invited.

There seems to be a real split here between zero tolerance & trying to teach through example. We've made the decision now though so going back on it would only lead to confusion for DS. I tend to agree that it's one of those things we have to take a hard line on.

Thank you to everyone who's taken the time to post. I knew we'd have to tackle this at some point with DS but didn't think it would be at the age of 5 & in such a direct way!

You're doing absolutely the right thing in not inviting him. You have no responsibility whatsoever for his feelings but you do have a duty to ensure that anyone in your home is treated well and feels safe.

Graphista - I thought she said they did play together at school. Still the decision has been made.

Totally agree with Lunar1

I wouldn't want a racist in my house or invited to an event I was arranging. What ever their age.

I think you have made the right decision, though I agree it's very hard when dealing with children so young. Leading by example is a laudable philosophy and should be put in practice at every given opportunity but not at the risk of putting potential victims in a 'tethered goat' situation so we can feel good about ourselves by modelling positive behaviour.

gravyandshite

No I don't believe I was racist in my use of the P word (I say P word because MN have edited my previous post so I clearly can't write the P word fully as someone has reported it).

I'm Asian. I've been called the P word several times. And I live in London not BNP land as OP says.

I am almost certain my children will at some point in their lives be called the P word.

So I don't know what you mean when you say what Inwrote is racist or that I think it's ok because it's not the bad racism. I know bad racism, I've experienced it.

I'm perfectly fine with using it in the context I did because I know exactly how it feels to be called one. And I know exactly how my son would feel if he was called one. Do you?

Sorry if i have missed this but is the party happening within a short space of time? And will the 'racist' boy be the only child left out or are others also not invited from the class group?

I don't think a 6 year old is racist, and I don't think that if you have adequate supervision at the party it would be ok to exclude one child when you could prewarn your supervisors to be vigilant and address any racist behaviours immediately (by calling the parents to pick up the child and explaining exactly why). You could also extend an explanation of this approach to the parents of the bullied child's parents and reassure them you want to teach inclusion and tolerance by modeling it. I don't think it would be unreasonable to not invite him either though, if he's not the only one excluded, because I would be inclined to protect the bullied child.

A 6 year old is not responsisle for reiterating what others say. But it does need addressed very seriously. Bullying based on skin colour (or any other protected characterist) could be considerate a hate crime at some point surely? If physical violence /discrimination/harrassent were invloved. I would use this as an opportunity to teach your son about the equalities act (age appropriately), all protected characterists (disabilism especially is over looked, as the UN investigation has just upheld), how it is 'breaking the law' to target anyone based on these characteristics and about human rights and equal worth. Bullying ofcourse is wrong under any circumstances but children need to be taught why certain types are also effectively illegal also. 'Against the law' seems to be a phrase that carries alot of weight with my similarly aged children, and we find it a good starting point as to why we try not to say anything hurtful things. School surely could be involved in teach ing this also. I know someone who volunteers to go round primaries and give talks on how racism effected her childhood and how we are all of equal value and deserve equal treatment despite skin colour etc. Could you find someone similar? Encourage school to hold assemblies on racism? The teachers could hold small talking groups to continue learning in class. When a whole class looks at these issues together peer pressure 'can' sways more racist messages given at home.

He won't be the only one left out Daily, there will only be 6 from DS's class attending plus others from elsewhere.

Explaining it's against the law is a good idea, I hadn't thought about that & you're right that it holds a lot of sway at this age. I want him to understand why it's wrong on all levels.

The school recently did a whole serious of workshops/assemblies for anti bullying week so they're pretty good at this stuff. I'll see if I can speak to his teacher next week about talking to all of them.

Just like you wouldn't want ds to hang out with a drug addict,

Wow.

Gravy -- Wow what? That being a racist is nowhere near as bad as being a drug addict? Or that racism is not infectious the way drug addiction is? And whatever it is that you are getting at is SO obvious that a single "Wow" is supposed to explain it to everyone???

WHAT is so "wow" about comparing the two???