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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be worried about dd1 being the only non white in her class

123 replies

Rory786 · 08/12/2016 03:26

We moved from multicultural London to a very rural village. DD1 (4yrs) will be in a village school, and one of 8 pupils in her class. We went to visit and we got a lot of stares.
AIBU to be worried for her?
She will have two younger sisters joining eventually (but they are 20 months and 7 months now)

OP posts:
TheDowagerCuntess · 08/12/2016 03:50

Of course YANBU to be worried for your child, but it doesn't follow that there will be anything to worry about.

She is 4 - and more importantly - her classmates are also 4, which fortunately means they don't have the sort of ingrained prejudices that adults might have.

She will make little friends that just see her as - nothing more, nothing less. It might arguably be harder if she were starting a new school a bit older, but at this age, kids just get on with it. Flowers

user1477282676 · 08/12/2016 03:51

YANBU to worry. It should be fine though.

SpotTheDuck · 08/12/2016 03:53

I understand why you'd be worried, but I think it will be ok. Any new child is going to be stared at - the children are just curious. In a small class like that they'll get to know her, and they're so young they won't have any preconceptions.

MiddleClassProblem · 08/12/2016 04:07

If it's the only school then you don't have much choice about it so it's just a case of managing it. I reckon there must be some articles online about how to deal with any thing that might arise so many have a Google to figure out how to approach something if it does come up. I'm guessing at 4, if anything, it would just be asking why. My nephew asked me this when he was around 4 but in a curious way. I think I explained it by saying it's just like hair and eyes. "My daddy has brown skin so do I, your daddy had blonde hair grey now so do you" sort of thing.
The main thing is that you just help her feel confident in who she is. The looks may just be seeing someone new in the small village rather than what she looks like x

NiceFalafels · 08/12/2016 04:18

You'll probably find that it's more international then it initially looks. From first glances DS's school might seem very British but there's Swedish kids, part Indian kids, polish kids, part Japanese kids.

NiceFalafels · 08/12/2016 04:19

All new comers to a school would be stated at.

Veterinari · 08/12/2016 04:25

I grew up in a similar type of area - only one non-white family with 'foreign' names. They faced no problems at all until secondary when there were some attempts at rascist teasing by unfamiliar kids but quickly squashed by our friendship group.

young Kids are very accepting and whilst there may be innocent observational remarks about 'sarah with the brown skin' in the same way there would be about sarah with the blond hair' these will prob be less of an issue in such a small school (fewer Sarahs!)

Want2bSupermum · 08/12/2016 04:35

We were the only jewish family around with a funny surname to boot. My father had a terrible time going through school but he is in 70s today so it was a totally different era.

My observation is that in certain circles no one gives a darn what colour your skin is or where you are from. These are normally upper middle class groups of people who are highly educated. Outside of this circle you are more likely to encounter problems.

The worst I experienced was at a local primary school that was very snobby but the reality was the parents were sharp elbowed middle class people who couldn't afford private school for their children. Race and ethnicity was an easy target. My parents pulled us out of there after two terms and we went to another local primary school that was the opposite, run by a Scottish lady who should have been made minister of education for primary years. Honestly though, the worst part was the parents, not their children.

waitingforsomething · 08/12/2016 04:57

We live in Asia, and I chose to send my dd to a local school rather than international. She is 4 and the only Caucasian child in her class out of 12, all other child are Chinese or of Chinese heritage. Neither she or any of her friends have mentioned it, they just don't at that age. I wouldn't worry she'll be fine!

Scrumptiousbears · 08/12/2016 05:00

Really OP? Children do not see differences like adults do. Don't make issues where their aren't any.

nooka · 08/12/2016 05:09

Of course children see differences! They aren't blind, in fact small children often make comments about differences as they don't have the same social filters (often embarrassing their parents very much in the process). What they shouldn't have is prejudices, although they might pick them up from adults around them.

I would agree that in a small school the OP's children will soon be known for themselves so it shouldn't be an issue, it may or may not be an issue later on. It can be a bit isolating to be very different, and visible differences are much harder to mask than things like having the very different interests or being from a very different background.

HeadDreamer · 08/12/2016 05:22

Children do notice. DC is one of 3-4 non white kids in her primary. She has told me that she is the darkest skin, asked if her eyes really is brown coloured etc. Otherwise I haven't noticed any overt racism yet.

PoldarksBreeches · 08/12/2016 05:35

She'll be fine for the first couple of years but as the kids get older there will be some nastiness. I'm sorry but it's true. I live in a very white village which is full of UKIPpers and my son has had comments about his name and 'not being english' which may or may not reflect parents' views - I do know that the older they get the more likely he is to experience racism. There is no point pretending otherwise.

PoldarksBreeches · 08/12/2016 05:36

I should say the school are very good and always deal with it, it's not like it happens often but it does happen.

Scooby20 · 08/12/2016 05:46

Yanbu to be worried. But as pp said that doesn't mean there is something to worry about.

Kids do notice differences. But it's unusual for them to be predujdice with it.

awkward91 · 08/12/2016 05:53

To those who are saying that children of 4 don't notice skin colour/ differences, my experiences show different. I was one of a handful of non Caucasian children whilst at infants, as were my much younger DBs, and we all had a few incidents involving name calling and physical violence etc due to our non Caucasian-ness. At the end of the day young children are socialised into attitudes, so if parents are openly prejudice in front of their children chances are their children will exhibit the same prejudices, whether they understand them or not - some indefinitely and others until they gain the maturity to question them and form their own opinions.

OP YANBU to be worried. I think you shouldn't be surprised if there are a few incidences but I hope for the sake of your DD that there aren't any. If I was in your position I wouldn't really discuss the possibility of people noticing differences/there being issues with DD before something happens due to the possibility it could cause a bit of anxiety.

Florrieboo · 08/12/2016 06:43

My children are very very white - red hair and freckles white. Their school is 75% non white, they have been in school for 4 and 3 years now and in the first year colour or ethnic traits may have been used a little to describe their friends but, we are so far past that now, they genuinely do not notice what colour any of their friends are and from my observations their friends don't notice either.

I understand the worry, but, I am pretty sure she will be totally okay. For what it is worth my older boy started in the middle of the school year and was a novelty because he was new, not because he was the only red-head.

Bubbinsmakesthree · 08/12/2016 06:46

I grew up friends with the only non-white family at our medium-sized primary school who were also the only non-white family at our large secondary school.

Everything was (to my knowledge) fine at primary but I know there was some bullying at secondary school - not overtly racist but they were singled out because they were 'different'.

Aged 4 I think it will be fine - I am sure there will be natural curiosity about difference but particularly in a small school where they get to know each other individually I expect this will soon pass.

I would speak to the teacher about how they will handle questions. And make sure your 4 year old is equipped with an understanding herself of why she has a different skin colour and what it means - I guess if you've grown up in a very multi-cultural area she might never have questioned it before herself, so she might be as surprised and curious be the only non-white child as her new classmates are. If she is able to give a simple answer toplayground questions about 'why do you have dark skin?' I am sure that it'll be a non-issue very quickly.

AppleAndBlackberry · 08/12/2016 06:57

We're in a fairly white area, 1-2 non-white per class, but I haven't been aware of any racism, exclusion or any other problems in either of my children's year groups and I go in a lot to help. DH had to correct our 5 year old when she used "normal skin colour" to describe white skin, but she didn't mean to be offensive, they're just still learning at that age. Hope your experience is a good one OP.

RoseGoldHippie · 08/12/2016 06:59

OP you are not being unreasonable to worry! However I have a few points on this one: A) were you the only new people visiting? If so regardless of colour you will be gorked at because everyone would have wanted to know who you were and why you were there. (Not in a bad way on a nosy way) B) I have known schools like this, you don't need to worry. Your daughter may get the 'why are you not white' questions from young children, this isn't malicious and children question things they aren't used to. So do prepare her for that.

Good luck In your new area OP! I really don't think you need to worry about the skin colour issue. It really shouldn't be an issue Smile

INeedNewShoes · 08/12/2016 07:11

I went to a school where there were only two non-white pupils in a school of 2000 pupils.

It really didn't make a difference to anyone. I don't remember any racist comments or behaviour and I as a child certainly didn't view the kids with different skin colour as being any different to everyone else.

I wouldn't worry. The other kids might be intrigued for the first half an hour but skin colour will soon be forgotten.

Think of all the different skin colours we see on TV nowadays. I'd be surprised if any UK kids bat an eyelid when they see someone of a different skin colour.

imnervous · 08/12/2016 07:17

YANBU to worry, I certainly did!! I felt particularly worried when DS started secondary school a couple of years ago. He is one of only a few non white people but he's been ok

It's only natural to worry, no one wants to stand out, or certainly my DS didn't!!

SashaC · 08/12/2016 07:31

Kelly Holmes, mixed race growing up in an all-white part of Kent, used to have the other children form a circle around her and sing the Boney M song "Brown Girl in the Ring."

She loved it.

"Brown Girl in the Ring" was one of her Desert Island Discs!

Jinxxx · 08/12/2016 07:33

My son came home from reception very excited. He could not wait to tell me "I'm not the only (name) at school. We also have one in brown and one in peach!" He was much more interested in the similarities than the differences. I think most small children will be interested in each other's appearance, likes, dislikes, interests etc and your DC may have to deal with curiosity, but that is part of being a newcomer anywhere, for any child, and part of the process of being accepted and involved.

TenaciousOne · 08/12/2016 07:34

Yanbu but MN only sees it as an issue if your kids are the only white faces at the school not the other way around.
See how it goes, the school I thought would be the best fit for my DS (think small class sizes, amazing results etc) just really wasn't they only differentiated for lower abilities, supervision was awful and there were lots of low level bullying which they explained as boys being boys.

DS is now in a big school, large class sizes, new school so no results yet. However, he is very happy and I'm happy with how things are dealt with at this school.