Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask for more sex...

427 replies

PseudoDad · 07/12/2016 20:45

Now I've got your attention with the thread - I need some advice from ladies/couples.

I've been married to my wife for 6 years. We have a wonderful son who is 18 months old. I am happy in every aspect of life except one...the bedroom.

Since our son was conceived almost 2 1/2 years ago we have had sex just 5 times. Prior to this, we weren't at it like rabbits but I was very happy with twice a week.

We both work hard jobs and as you know it can be exhausting bringing up a child. However, going up to 6 months without sex just isn't enough for me. My wife is a wonderful woman in every way. I think she is beautiful and has kept her looks/figure perfectly after our baby. She is the only woman I want. Its due to this though that I feel so down about the whole thing.

I've tried talking to her about this - but its hard without coming across as the total nob of a husband who is pushing for sex. I understood her concerns when she was pregnant and the fact she needed a break after birth - but when is enough enough?

How should I approach this in a way that respects my wife - but stops this eating away at me?

A x

OP posts:
whatsthecomingoverthehill · 08/12/2016 13:57

Trifle, it sounded like you were saying it was his responsibility because he is the one who isn't happy with the situation.

She has got to realise that if it carries on like this the marriage is likely to break down, or if it doesn't she's going to have an unhappy husband. It always amazes me the number of people who think that their partners should be perfectly happy with a sexless relationship.

myoriginal3 · 08/12/2016 13:58

Your last sentence hit the nail.

myoriginal3 · 08/12/2016 13:59

That was in response to creaking.

creakyknees13 · 08/12/2016 13:59

My point is that the problem is theirs, not hers

Which is why couples counselling was suggested. To work on and rescue the relationship together. But if the loss of libido DOES happen to be medical, she would be the one who would need to seek treatment for it (if she wants it treated). Sometimes, the solution can be very simple, like switching medication or something.

whatsthecomingoverthehill · 08/12/2016 14:00

(Assuming you meant creakyknees' comment). So she doesn't love him but is carrying on anyway? Yeh that reflects well on her.

growapear · 08/12/2016 14:00

well in that case myoriginal, she is the one who is being unreasonable still. What is the point in being a relationship with someone to whom you have no sexual attraction ? Further more, to keep on pretending you might do, but maybe later on... ?

myoriginal3 · 08/12/2016 14:01

Has any female ever found an underlying medical cause for their loss of libido?

creakyknees13 · 08/12/2016 14:02

Your last sentence hit the nail

Yeah, I totally accept it could be. I have no idea what the OP looks like but she might find the idea of sex with him as appealing as eating a block of lard. But I think in that case, it is only fair to be honest and explain that, so that both of them are free to move on and find something more fulfilling.

myoriginal3 · 08/12/2016 14:02

She made VOWS.

One2another · 08/12/2016 14:03

Not reall all the lists sorry!

If you work full time you'll get 5 x 1 hour lunch breaks and roughly 8 15 minute breaks in a week, you travel back and forth to work. All this time is spent with nobody constantly "at" you, your brain can think at a normal pace.
Please for the sake of your marriage give your wife some "me" time.

whatsthecomingoverthehill · 08/12/2016 14:04

Vows to keep stringing him along?

creakyknees13 · 08/12/2016 14:04

Has any female ever found an underlying medical cause for their loss of libido?

Yup, I have. Was on one brand of contraceptive pill and changed to another. It resolved it. Loss of libido was listed as a side effect. Also suffered loss of libido as a result of depression and then again when taking anti-depressants. Resolved by changing the medication and then when the depression lifted, the problem was further resolved.

Trifleorbust · 08/12/2016 14:06

whatsthecomingoverthehill: I wasn't. But it sounds like you are saying this is her fault and responsibility. It isn't. It is something they will either be able to resolve together or not, but it is no-one's fault.

myoriginal3 · 08/12/2016 14:07

All my meds come with loss of libido as a side effect.

growapear · 08/12/2016 14:07

creakyknees13

But perhaps you think that a miserable partner who feels depressed about the fact you wont touch him, and the fact that you no longer can stand something you once both mutually enjoyed, are problematic in a relationship. This would stand you in clear opposition to someone "reasonable" such as myoriginal - who would instead have advised that you told your hubby to wank more often and go to the gym in the hope you might find him sexy again.

Trifleorbust · 08/12/2016 14:08

creakyknees13: And it might be medical. But no-one should be pressurised into seeking medical advice for something that isn't, for them, a problem. That is pathologising someone else's feelings. He needs to ask her why she doesn't want sex.

Trifleorbust · 08/12/2016 14:09

It is also not 'normal' to completely lose your libido in your early 30s...

According to whom?

Purplebluebird · 08/12/2016 14:11

What a difficult situation, and how many nasty comments on here! I can feel your issue, we have similar problem here, and it's really difficult :( I'm the one wanting more, whilst my other half isn't so keen. Then now I've started some ADs that makes me unable to climax, which certainly isn't helping the situation Hmm.

I think in between all the rubbish here, you have got some good advice. Try to focus on intimacy, make sure your wife feels you are equal partners - talk about it. Reassure her that even if you get excited when cuddling, you will not pressure her into anything, you're just enjoying the cuddles. Get help from Relate etc, if she's up for it. Tell her you love her, and that she's amazing. If her birth was traumatic (mine was horrendously traumatic, and I had nothing "wrong" with it as such, it just lasted too long and was too painful for me to cope), ask her how she feels, if it still feels difficult. For me it does occasionally, and for the first 6 months it physically hurt me to try to have sex. There was no explanation, doctor said everything seemed normal. Could she had similar issues, but not have told you?

Sorry you're getting a difficult time here, I don't think yabu. It's perfectly natural to hope for sex on occasion when you are in a relationship. We went from 3 times a week to 1 time in the last 5 months, so I can totally see where you're coming from. Obviously nobody has a "duty" to have sex, but it seems a natural part of a loving relationship.

Flowers
whatsthecomingoverthehill · 08/12/2016 14:11

Trifle, I wouldn't allocate 'fault'. As far as responsibility, yes of course they need to try and sort it out together.

growapear · 08/12/2016 14:16

Trifle

It is also not 'normal' to completely lose your libido in your early 30s...

You are not seriously suggesting that anything even approaching the majority of people in the early 30's have no desire to have sex again ?

Trifleorbust · 08/12/2016 14:20

growapear: I am not seriously suggesting that anything approaching a majority anything. You don't have to be on the majority or even a large minority to be 'normal'. Sexual desire, like many things, exists on a spectrum from 'high' to 'low' and all but the most extreme ends of that are 'normal' in the sense that there is nothing wrong with that person.

Trifleorbust · 08/12/2016 14:21

*in

creakyknees13 · 08/12/2016 14:21

But no-one should be pressurised into seeking medical advice for something that isn't, for them, a problem

Might become a problem if your spouse leaves you though (if you had hoped to stay married). Would you honestly say the same to a married man with erectile dysfunction whose wife was unhappy, Trifle? If yes, that's fair enough, but if you would give different advice to someone who refused to have causes of ED investigated, you need to ask yourself why.

Trifleorbust · 08/12/2016 14:23

creakyknees13: Erectile dysfunction is a problem - if you are trying to get an erection and can't, you have a problem. If you don't want an erection but still can't physically get one even when stimulated, it is a medical problem. Loss of libido is a different issue. You can get an erection and still not want sex, and it isn't necessarily a medical problem.

creakyknees13 · 08/12/2016 14:25

But perhaps you think that a miserable partner who feels depressed about the fact you wont touch him, and the fact that you no longer can stand something you once both mutually enjoyed, are problematic in a relationship. This would stand you in clear opposition to someone "reasonable" such as myoriginal - who would instead have advised that you told your hubby to wank more often and go to the gym in the hope you might find him sexy again

That is of course true. I am highly unreasonable. When I suffered loss of libido in the past, I should have told my OH to 'tone up' and 'go fuck himself', literally and figuratively. Grin