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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to ask for more sex...

427 replies

PseudoDad · 07/12/2016 20:45

Now I've got your attention with the thread - I need some advice from ladies/couples.

I've been married to my wife for 6 years. We have a wonderful son who is 18 months old. I am happy in every aspect of life except one...the bedroom.

Since our son was conceived almost 2 1/2 years ago we have had sex just 5 times. Prior to this, we weren't at it like rabbits but I was very happy with twice a week.

We both work hard jobs and as you know it can be exhausting bringing up a child. However, going up to 6 months without sex just isn't enough for me. My wife is a wonderful woman in every way. I think she is beautiful and has kept her looks/figure perfectly after our baby. She is the only woman I want. Its due to this though that I feel so down about the whole thing.

I've tried talking to her about this - but its hard without coming across as the total nob of a husband who is pushing for sex. I understood her concerns when she was pregnant and the fact she needed a break after birth - but when is enough enough?

How should I approach this in a way that respects my wife - but stops this eating away at me?

A x

OP posts:

myoriginal3 · 08/12/2016 14:28

Men see being capable of having sex physically as libido.
Women see desire for sex as libido.

myoriginal3 · 08/12/2016 14:32

Creaky. Let me guess. You got some counselling.

Trifleorbust · 08/12/2016 14:33

Just read over my own comment and in fact I would argue having no sexual desire at all (being asexual) is 'normal'. It is not 'the norm' but it isn't a medical issue. Just unusual.

Whatallama · 08/12/2016 14:35

How is something that is not the norm normal? That's the meaning of the norm surely.

creakyknees13 · 08/12/2016 14:35

Creaky. Let me guess. You got some counselling

I had some counselling sessions for my depression, yes. But I also switched medication and it made a world of difference (this happened with both the contraceptive pill and ADs). I no longer take ADs. Never had couple's counselling but counselling is effective for depression. Btw, depression is an underlying medical condition that can result in loss of libido.

Trifleorbust · 08/12/2016 14:38

Whatallama: No. 'Not normal' has completely different connotations to 'not the norm', as shown by the fact that we are discussing whether it is a medical problem. An outie belly button, for example, is not 'the norm' but no-one would look at one and say 'That's not normal. I think you should see a doctor.'

creakyknees13 · 08/12/2016 14:38

I would argue having no sexual desire at all (being asexual) is 'normal'. It is not 'the norm' but it isn't a medical issue. Just unusual

That's true, Trifle and I can also see your distinction between ED and loss of libido, but the effect on a person's spouse is the same, whether it is ED or loss of libido. I guess it depends on how important the relationship is to the person. if they accept that it will probably end unless they take steps to address it, that is absolutely their choice. However, even if a person thinks that there is 'no problem' with never having sex again, if they are married, they cannot only consider their own needs. It is likely to be a problem for the partner.

Guavaf1sh · 08/12/2016 14:40

Sex is important in the vast majority of relationships and the vast majority of people desire sex. If sex drives within a relationship are mismatched then there are few options:

the partner who desires sex the most gives up on their desire
there is extramarital sex
the relationship ends

Sex should not be a reward and not used as currency. It is normal to want it and lack of sex ends many relationships. Begging for sex is toxic to any relationship and the person being begged for sex should realise that something is wrong and not hide from it too. Perhaps when this toxic situation occurs people should be braver sooner and end the relationship. It seems rare that a marriage survives this kind of thing. Sex is a barometer of the health of a relationship

Whatallama · 08/12/2016 14:41

different connotations to 'not the norm', as shown by the fact that we are discussing whether it is a medical problem. An outie belly button, for example, is not 'the norm' but no-one would look at one and say 'That's not normal. I think you should see a doctor.'

Fair enough actually

Trifleorbust · 08/12/2016 14:42

creakyknees13: Of course. She has an obligation to her partner to discuss it and to give him an explanation. Whether or not it is acceptable to him is up to him. And the fate of the marriage is jointly their responsibility.

Trifleorbust · 08/12/2016 14:42

Whatallama:

Whatallama · 08/12/2016 14:57

There's a difference between not really being in the mood for sex, and actively finding the person a turn iff.

If its the latter, then they really shouldn't have sex, but if it's just that she can't really be bothered, then maybe sometimes she should make the effort for him, not because she owes him sex, but because looking out for each other's needs is part of marriage.

It's not unusual I don't think, for one person to be more in the mood than the other. Give and take in sex, and considering your partners needs alongside your own needs, is being a good spouse.

In the same way that he shouldn't nag his way to sex, because her feelings and desires ( or lack of) should be important to him, his desire for sex should be something she should consider.

Whatallama · 08/12/2016 14:58

Dont get too used to it, I'm a stubborn mule usually

HuskyLover1 · 08/12/2016 15:26

I'm always amazed at some responses to threads like this! There are obviously many people with a very low libido, that simply don't understand what it's like to have a high libido and an unwilling partner.

Imagine that you haven't eaten for weeks and weeks. You are absolutely ravenous. Next to you on the sofa, is a big fat juicy burger and fries. You're allowed to cuddle the burger, you're even allowed to lick it. But you must not eat any of it, and if you really want to eat it, that makes you a very bad person indeed. And if you wonder when you may be allowed to eat the burger, well, then you're just being unreasonable!

Later, in bed you roll over to find a big tray of cream cakes on the bed. You can smell them. They smell delicious. You can lie all night next to the cream cakes. Just as long as you don't try to eat one. You're finding it quite hard, not to think about those cream cakes, as your tummy rumbles. Maybe because the cream cakes are right there, making you think of, well, cream cakes. You begin to wonder whether you might sleep easier in the spare room, where there are no fucking cream cakes!

The burger and the cream cakes don't know why you're so hungry? They don't have tummies, so they don't know what hunger is. So they just tell you to "get over it". They say that they might let you eat them one day. No idea when though.

Eventually, on a night out someone presents you with a hot dog. Which you're allowed to eat! You'd really prefer the burger and cakes at home, but you're so starving, you cave and eat the hot dog.

HTH

PS. I think the Op may well end up eating hot dogs.

Trifleorbust · 08/12/2016 15:37

The food metaphor is a bit grim.

Whatallama · 08/12/2016 15:44

It's a bit accurate though.

Trifleorbust · 08/12/2016 16:04

Can't say I like the assumptions behind it. The OP's wife isn't some sort of insentient consumable

myoriginal3 · 08/12/2016 16:09

Are you a salivating dog? Or a thinking human?

myoriginal3 · 08/12/2016 16:11

Let me answer that. You're the former.

Wags tail. And waddles off ..

Blossomdeary · 08/12/2016 16:11

HuskyLover1 - the trouble with your analogies is that the burger and fries and the cream cakes are non-participants - they have no feelings - they are not expected to enjoy being eaten.

I think you will find that sexual relationships are a bit more subtle, and dare I say mutually pleasurable than that.

I do hope your OH does not treat you like a burger.

Blossomdeary · 08/12/2016 16:19

One of the troubles is the wording of the OP - "to ask for more sex." There is something a bit naff about that as if you are trying to inveigle a treat out of your mum. It needs to be a mutual decision.

I do understand that it is difficult for you; but trying to concentrate on the relationship in general and ways of sharing intimacy that do not include sex at the moment is far more likely to get the desired result in the fullness of time. With marriage you are in it for the long haul.

By the way, the housework issue sounds a bit crass, but the sentiment behind it is that couples need to share responsibilities as well as pleasures. I am sure you get that. It is not as simple as "If I do the hoovering, will you get your knickers off?"

Whatallama · 08/12/2016 16:20

I agree that the cake analogy has its flaws as pointed out, but sexual desire, and desire for food can be quite similar I find. There's a reason they call it a sex drive, rather than just a 'like' and as someone who really likes food and sex, I can see where the analogy comes from.

But let's take an alternative - time together. You used to spend lots of time together but suddenly she's not interested. You crave her company, but she's still not interested. She doesn't give you any reason why not, and there's no practical reason why she can't spend time with you,b she just doesn't want to. She's now stopped relying to texts, answering phone calls from you, in case you invite her to spend some time together, and you feel more and more lonely.

myoriginal3 · 08/12/2016 16:20

On a slightly more intellectual level. Woman has salivating dog at home.

Meets human.

He talks to her,would you believe? They have mind blowing sex for the rest of their lives.

Dog is still kissing against the wind.

myoriginal3 · 08/12/2016 16:23

Or pissing! How did I end up with such a polite phone.

Whatallama · 08/12/2016 16:27

I don't understand what you mean original?

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