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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask for more sex...

427 replies

PseudoDad · 07/12/2016 20:45

Now I've got your attention with the thread - I need some advice from ladies/couples.

I've been married to my wife for 6 years. We have a wonderful son who is 18 months old. I am happy in every aspect of life except one...the bedroom.

Since our son was conceived almost 2 1/2 years ago we have had sex just 5 times. Prior to this, we weren't at it like rabbits but I was very happy with twice a week.

We both work hard jobs and as you know it can be exhausting bringing up a child. However, going up to 6 months without sex just isn't enough for me. My wife is a wonderful woman in every way. I think she is beautiful and has kept her looks/figure perfectly after our baby. She is the only woman I want. Its due to this though that I feel so down about the whole thing.

I've tried talking to her about this - but its hard without coming across as the total nob of a husband who is pushing for sex. I understood her concerns when she was pregnant and the fact she needed a break after birth - but when is enough enough?

How should I approach this in a way that respects my wife - but stops this eating away at me?

A x

OP posts:
Trifleorbust · 08/12/2016 13:39

Whatallama: Yes, it's a low sex drive. It's still not a medical problem. It may be underpinned by a medical problem but in and of itself it isn't medical.

whatsthecomingoverthehill · 08/12/2016 13:40

Anyway, lots of people have said it, but jeez the crap on here equating domestic chores with getting sex is such a load of crap. If someone does not want sex, the partner doing all the stuff around the house is not going to make a difference. If anything they are likely to cotton on pretty quick and then be on tenterhooks all day knowing there is going to be an expectant partner later. The OP should of course do a fair share, but it sounds like he does already.

Trifleorbust · 08/12/2016 13:41

Whatallama: What makes you think she is keeping him there? She isn't responsible for his decision about whether to stay in his marriage. If she does not want sex and he asks her why, she owes him the truth. After that it is his decision where to take things

Whatallama · 08/12/2016 13:41

It might not be medical, but it is a problem.

creakyknees13 · 08/12/2016 13:41

It is perfectly normal not to have a high sex drive. It is not a medical problem unless it is a problem for you

Twice a year and hardly any kissing or cuddling is not normal at all. Especially when it has dropped from twice a week.

Trifleorbust · 08/12/2016 13:42

creakyknees13: I didn't say normal. She may have an unusually low sex drive. That doesn't mean she needs help from a GP or a counsellor.

growapear · 08/12/2016 13:43

MyOriginal - you are off your nut, thank the lord I am not married to a woman like you !!

Suppermummy02 · 08/12/2016 13:43

Slip some female Viagra into her tea?

Trifleorbust · 08/12/2016 13:43

Whatallama: It isn't a problem for everyone. In this case, there is a problem because two people have mismatched sex drives. That does not make her low sex drive the problem.

whatsthecomingoverthehill · 08/12/2016 13:46

"I would suggest he tones up, grooms himself well, stops pestering her and he may see a difference in her desire."

Ahhh, so the OP is obviously hideous which is why his previously sexually open wife has shut up shop. This thread just keeps on giving.

myoriginal3 · 08/12/2016 13:46

All the single men are out in force I see.
Growapear. Grow a pair. Ya little bollix.Grin

creakyknees13 · 08/12/2016 13:47

creakyknees13: I didn't say normal. She may have an unusually low sex drive. That doesn't mean she needs help from a GP or a counsellor

But she hasn't always. It has changed, so might be due to an underlying issue. Also, I think the counselling suggestion was in relation to couples/relationship counselling because a good relationship requires both partners to be happy, not just one of them.

Sure, she can live with a low sex drive, but it might have a knock-on effect on other areas of her life such as her marriage breaking down, so for that reason, she might want to seek help. It doesn't necessarily mean it's 'pathologised'. GPs deal with all aspects of health and wellbeing, including sexual health. It doesn't mean that approaching your GP about loss of libido is saying it is an 'illness'.

growapear · 08/12/2016 13:48

whatsthecomingoverthehill

In addition, it is why, according to MyOriginal, he will get even less sex (which we can infer must mean absolutely none) if he leaves her, because no other women would touch him with a barge pole ! Bet your glad you posted OP !

Whatallama · 08/12/2016 13:48

Trifle, it is her problem because (a) she's changed from the status quo and (b) her sex drive is unusually low.

If it was a 4 times a week or every day kind of situation, I'd say its a mismatch and both are the 'problem' but sex twice a year is in the same region of unreasonable (without goid reason) a s expecting it 3 times a day.

myoriginal3 · 08/12/2016 13:49

In fairness the op doesn't sound like a catch....

Trifleorbust · 08/12/2016 13:49

creakyknees13: Your sex drive can change without it being a medical problem. Hormone fluctuations, lack of interest in a specific individual, bad sex, tiredness, etc. - all normal and not evidence of medical reasons. If she wants help she can seek it out without prodding, I would imagine.

AntiqueSinger · 08/12/2016 13:50

Well this thread is quite a lesson in pseudo gender equality. I guess any man who desires more sex with his wife is just one degree away from rape. What a depressing and unhealthy view of men you must have to think that way. And I say this a victim of sexual assault. Is the OP still around? I genuinely do not blame him if he never returns.

creakyknees13 · 08/12/2016 13:50

All the single men are out in force I see. Growapear. Grow a pair. Ya little bollix

Have you broken up for Christmas holidays already? Most schools still have another couple of weeks. Hopefully your mum can take you on a nice day out so you're not bored by the computer.

whatsthecomingoverthehill · 08/12/2016 13:50

"It isn't a problem for everyone. In this case, there is a problem because two people have mismatched sex drives. That does not make her low sex drive the problem."

Just because she's happy with how things are does not absolve her of any responsibility towards keeping her marriage going, or understanding that not having sex is a problem for her husband. It may well be that she has absolutely no inclination to ever have sex again. That is her right. And it is the OPs right to not be happy and split up as a consequence. Would she be happy then?

Trifleorbust · 08/12/2016 13:51

Whatallama: It is no more her problem that she has a low sex drive than it is any other individual's problem that they have a high sex drive. Both differing levels of sexual desire between people and over time in the same person are normal.

growapear · 08/12/2016 13:52

Grow a pair

Better not, incase I scare my wife off with them.

Trifleorbust · 08/12/2016 13:52

whatsthecomingoverthehill: How do I know if she would be happy then? My point is that the problem is theirs, not hers. She is responsible for engaging in discussion. She is not responsible for the problem any more than he is.

myoriginal3 · 08/12/2016 13:52

Llama? You think 3 times a day is unreasonable?
Anything less than six times a day and I put the divorce papers in front of him. It usually gets him going again.

growapear · 08/12/2016 13:54

In fairness the op doesn't sound like a catch....

That's right, because "a catch" would just accept that the will have no sex again for the rest of his days....unless he wants to head off to the gym and then maybe she might, but maybe not.

creakyknees13 · 08/12/2016 13:55

creakyknees13: Your sex drive can change without it being a medical problem. Hormone fluctuations, lack of interest in a specific individual, bad sex, tiredness, etc. - all normal and not evidence of medical reasons. If she wants help she can seek it out without prodding, I would imagine

Of course she can. However, it is something that a GP or counsellor could help with. It is also not 'normal' to completely lose your libido in your early 30s and might be a sign of an underlying problem. It's completely up to her what she does. However, if her marriage might suffer or end as a result of just ignoring the issue, then long term, that might not be in the DW's interests. It could of course be that she has not necessarily lost her libido, but has fallen out of love with her DH and no longer sees him that way.