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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to ask for more sex...

427 replies

PseudoDad · 07/12/2016 20:45

Now I've got your attention with the thread - I need some advice from ladies/couples.

I've been married to my wife for 6 years. We have a wonderful son who is 18 months old. I am happy in every aspect of life except one...the bedroom.

Since our son was conceived almost 2 1/2 years ago we have had sex just 5 times. Prior to this, we weren't at it like rabbits but I was very happy with twice a week.

We both work hard jobs and as you know it can be exhausting bringing up a child. However, going up to 6 months without sex just isn't enough for me. My wife is a wonderful woman in every way. I think she is beautiful and has kept her looks/figure perfectly after our baby. She is the only woman I want. Its due to this though that I feel so down about the whole thing.

I've tried talking to her about this - but its hard without coming across as the total nob of a husband who is pushing for sex. I understood her concerns when she was pregnant and the fact she needed a break after birth - but when is enough enough?

How should I approach this in a way that respects my wife - but stops this eating away at me?

A x

OP posts:

myoriginal3 · 08/12/2016 13:18

Well he can just divorce her then. She's clearly being unreasonable.

My bollox.

creakyknees13 · 08/12/2016 13:21

Well he can just divorce her then. She's clearly being unreasonable. My bollox

Well, he can. Anyone can divorce anyone. But he says that he wants to try to make it work.

I would honestly like to hear what you would suggest as a solution. Is your solution just that he learns to live without sex?

Whatallama · 08/12/2016 13:21

myoriginal3 do you really think its unreasonable to want sex within marriage?

And you haven't answered my question about whether he should remain faithful to her?

myoriginal3 · 08/12/2016 13:28

I would suggest he tones up, grooms himself well, stops pestering her and he may see a difference in her desire.

AntiqueSinger · 08/12/2016 13:29

Waiting for solution.

AntiqueSinger · 08/12/2016 13:29

Oh there it is.

myoriginal3 · 08/12/2016 13:29

Llama. He should leave or stay. Infidelity doesn't fit with my moral compass.

StarryIllusion · 08/12/2016 13:30

I can't be bothered to read past the 3rd page because you're all just splitting hairs and being bitchy so apologies OP, if what I say is irrelevant. No it isn't wrong to want sex and if the genders were reversed here you would be getting completely different advice. I also think people should consider the fact that feeling like a partner doesn't want you is hurtful and can do a lot of damage to someone's self esteem and can lead to them feeling very pushed out and like they aren't good enough and no, funnily enough, men aren't immune to having feelings. The woman isn't the only one who matters in a relationship and wanting physical intimacy doesn't make you selfish.

Look I think you ought to talk to her about it, without pushing and without actually asking for sex. Explain how you feel and no, horny will not help your case. Ask how she is feeling. She probably doesn't feel very beautiful and sexy, not many of us do when the kids are young and it might help her to see herself as you see her. DP and I do have sex but not as often as we used to and I would hope that if he felt he needed more, he would ask. I might not say yes but honestly if you are married to each other then you can talk about what you want. I know what you mean though, it is very hard to word what you want to say without sounding like a prick. I would also ask to have this thread moved to relationships as you will get very few helpful responses here.

AntiqueSinger · 08/12/2016 13:30

So...shut up and put up then?

myoriginal3 · 08/12/2016 13:31

As I said, how often is he going to have sex if he leaves?

Whatallama · 08/12/2016 13:31

And yet if the duration r were reversed I honestly couldn't see you suggesting that a wife should go on a diet and make more effort with her appearance to make her husband want sex.

Whatallama · 08/12/2016 13:32

Situation, not duration obviously

whatsthecomingoverthehill · 08/12/2016 13:32

"I'm a typical man with no control over you know what

Hate this rhetoric that men have no control over their sexual wants. Poor menz."

If you read what he actually said, it was that when they were cuddling...i.e. he got an erection from being intimate. That is not a lack of control over his sexual wants, but a physical response that yes, men often do not have that much control over.

Trifleorbust · 08/12/2016 13:32

The question 'Why should he remain faithful to her?' is a daft one. I don't think marriage vows specify that you need to have sex with any particular frequency. Even if they did, they also specify 'forsaking all others' and two wrongs don't make a right. He can divorce her if he likes. Cheating on her isn't justified.

creakyknees13 · 08/12/2016 13:32

I would suggest he tones up, grooms himself well, stops pestering her and he may see a difference in her desire

But you have no idea what he looks like? Is this hand on heart the advice you would give to a woman who was upset that her husband wasn't showing her affection? "Must be because you're a minger, so head down the gym, get a wax and a haircut and he might want you again". It's not all about looks. What if he 'tones up' and she still doesn't want him? Should he have a few nips and tucks? Lipo? Penis enlargement?

Whatallama · 08/12/2016 13:34

myoriginal3 if she doesn't like his infidelity, then she can always leave him.

Your response is so hypocritical. If she doesn't want sex in a sexual relationship, then maybe she should be taking the initiative to end it.

AntiqueSinger · 08/12/2016 13:34

Whatallama All hell would break lose if that suggestion were given to a woman. But's its a man. They don't have feelings.

myoriginal3 · 08/12/2016 13:34

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Trifleorbust · 08/12/2016 13:34

I wish people would stop pathologising the lack of desire for sex. See a GP or a counsellor? Why? It is perfectly normal not to have a high sex drive. It is not a medical problem unless it is a problem for you.

myoriginal3 · 08/12/2016 13:36

Didn't she vow to stay with him despite his sex pestering
She is quite happy.
He is not.

Suppermummy02 · 08/12/2016 13:37

What about pushing the envelope. When the next conjugal visit comes around why not video tape it? That way you could watch yourself having sex with your wife every day!

Whatallama · 08/12/2016 13:37

Trifle, I agree, he shouldn't be unfaithful, but equally , she needs to take control of this issue, because he's not being unreasonable in wanting sex. If she didn't e want to solve it, then she should let him go.

Whatallama · 08/12/2016 13:38

Twice a year is more than not having a high sex drive.

creakyknees13 · 08/12/2016 13:39

Well antique, he has the choice to rape her and the consequences that brings?

Somehow that wasn't the vibe I was getting from the OP, that he was up for committing a heinous crime. But I think that for whatever reason, it is clear that you have huge anger towards the OP or any other man in that position. Not sure what you would say to a woman whose partner withdrew affection, but I think you're the one with the issue rather than the OP. This is not about rape, coercion or anything like that. You may have misinterpreted it that way, but that's your choice.

myoriginal3 · 08/12/2016 13:39

Hey Mr. Lawyer.
'I wish to file for divorce'

"And on what grounds madam?"

'My unreasonable behaviour'

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