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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to ask for more sex...

427 replies

PseudoDad · 07/12/2016 20:45

Now I've got your attention with the thread - I need some advice from ladies/couples.

I've been married to my wife for 6 years. We have a wonderful son who is 18 months old. I am happy in every aspect of life except one...the bedroom.

Since our son was conceived almost 2 1/2 years ago we have had sex just 5 times. Prior to this, we weren't at it like rabbits but I was very happy with twice a week.

We both work hard jobs and as you know it can be exhausting bringing up a child. However, going up to 6 months without sex just isn't enough for me. My wife is a wonderful woman in every way. I think she is beautiful and has kept her looks/figure perfectly after our baby. She is the only woman I want. Its due to this though that I feel so down about the whole thing.

I've tried talking to her about this - but its hard without coming across as the total nob of a husband who is pushing for sex. I understood her concerns when she was pregnant and the fact she needed a break after birth - but when is enough enough?

How should I approach this in a way that respects my wife - but stops this eating away at me?

A x

OP posts:

myoriginal3 · 08/12/2016 12:50

So what is the solution then as you see it?
She lies back and thinks of England?

myoriginal3 · 08/12/2016 12:51

I couldn't give two shites about the bible!

JellyBelli · 08/12/2016 12:54

OP, the comparison about how much work each partner does is a red herring, one gave birth and needs to recover, and different people have different energy levels.
Instead of a charm offensive hire a cleaner and get some childcare. Give practical support.
Ask your wife to have her bloods checked for anemia, and consider the possibility she has mild PND.

LauraBiding · 08/12/2016 12:55

Expecting the op to take sex off the table for 6 months is really cruel to him

Eh? I'm not suggesting cutting off his air supply!

Anyway, my point is that it's the only way to take the pressure off. I hate the way the pressure is piled on wrt to sex. You end up not wanting a cuddle/kiss because you know the other person will want to have sex and you're not up for that right now/too tired/etc. But actually without the passion-killing expectation of sex those cuddles and kisses help the sort of bonding that leads to sex in the first place.

Otherwise it's just round in circles, him wanting sex and whenever they get close the expectation turns her off.

myoriginal3 · 08/12/2016 12:56

She doesn't want sex. There must be something wrong with her? Lord above.

Chewie1986 · 08/12/2016 12:58

so monkeysox sex should be a direct reward for doing housework.

Imagine how outraged MUMSNETTERS would be if a bloke was telling a woman that.

Pathetic view.

Whatallama · 08/12/2016 12:58

myoriginal3, she needs to get to the bottom of why she's gone off sex. See a doctor, go to counselling. And if she still doesn't want sex, then it's only fair to let him go, so he can have a more fulfilling marriage elsewhere.

She shouldn't force herself into it, but she should try to get herself into the mood, for the OP's sake, occasionally, and see where it leads.

myoriginal3 · 08/12/2016 12:59

Mild pnd no less.

Please God, you from the bible, help me not get banned because of this stupid thread. Thanks.

creakyknees13 · 08/12/2016 12:59

So what is the solution then as you see it? She lies back and thinks of England?

Uh, no, that has not been suggested. Instead, she acknowledges that there is a problem and they have a frank discussion about whether this is something that can be resolved through counselling or similar. If it is not something that she is willing to work on, then they have to seriously consider whether this marriage has a future, and I would guess that it does not.

What does not help is suggestions that he is being a twat by wanting to have sex with his wife, that it is normal to have sex only twice a year, that he should masturbate and stop complaining. That is not what most people's vision of an adult relationship is like.

Re the bible, well fine, but marriage is ultimately a sexual relationship whether you are married or not. If it was not a relationship with an expectation of sex, you would be able to marry family members if you wanted to. Marriage also expects monogamy, meaning that the spouses have sex with one another but not third parties. Someone wanting sex within a marriage is never unreasonable. (Read Chesil Beach by the way....)

creakyknees13 · 08/12/2016 13:00

Someone wanting sex within a marriage is never unreasonable

Sorry, should maybe have clarified, they are not unreasonable for wanting sex, they might of course be unreasonable for a number of other reasons.

myoriginal3 · 08/12/2016 13:01

'She' needs to do no such thing. 'He' on the other hand needs to go Fuck himself. Literally and figuratively.

Whatallama · 08/12/2016 13:03

myoriginal3, are you in a sexless marriage at the moment? You come across as having a great dislike of sex.

myoriginal3 · 08/12/2016 13:04

'Marriage is a sexual relationship whether you are married or not'.

Yup. I see the logic there.

And DO NOT ORDER ME TO READ A BOOK.

creakyknees13 · 08/12/2016 13:05

She' needs to do no such thing. 'He' on the other hand needs to go Fuck himself. Literally and figuratively

Right. I can see we won't agree on this. If she does not want to have sex with him anymore, do you still expect him to be monogamous or would you call for him to be hauled over hot coals if he began a relationship with someone who did make him feel desired? Just interested.

myoriginal3 · 08/12/2016 13:07

I love sex.
I abhor rape.
I abhor coercion.

creakyknees13 · 08/12/2016 13:07

Marriage is a sexual relationship whether you are married or not

Sorry, typo. I meant to say religious.

I didn't order you to read a book, I just thought of it- sorry I mentioned it. I can order you to read some boring caselaw on the legal interpretations of marriages and the expectations of a sexual relationship if you want?

myoriginal3 · 08/12/2016 13:08

I'd file for divorce from him.

nutbrownhare15 · 08/12/2016 13:09

Lots of useful advice above on focusing on intimacy, ways to improve the connection between you. It boils down to -what is it you really want? Is it the emotional connection and intimacy that sex brings? If it is, then focus on that. I read somewhere that men need to have sex to feel loved and women need to feel loved to have sex. This resonates with me. It sounds like anyway there are issues between you that could be affecting your connection. I don't doubt you love your wife and try to be a good husband but as other posters have said it does sound like it's all about you and you are dismissing people who suggest reasons why she might not feel up for it. So my suggestion would be to work on seeing things from her position and how to improve her life- ask her about her day, what is worrying her, her main concerns about your child, does she feel that your division of labour is fair, is there anything you can do to make her life better/easier. I would love for my OH to run me a bath after a long day looking after a toddler for example. Or buy me my favourite chocolate, or magazine, etc. But it needs to be because you love her and want to connect with her not just to get a shag, so it may be worth re-assessing your priorities. Take the pressure off as nothing is more of a turn off. You may wish to say to her 'I love you, I would love to make love to you, but I appreciate that you aren't in that place at the moment so I will back off sexually and wait for you to initiate but in the meantime would love to be more cuddly/sensual with you.' Think about how to improve your relationship and really connect with your wife. What was it about your relationship before that naturally led to sex? Laughter, in-jokes, etc? Watch comedies, do new things (not just tired old meal out all the time). And read Make Love Like Prairie Vole: Six steps to passionate, plentiful and monogomous sex. He's a relate counsellor so knows his stuff. Such a passionate debate on this thread! She's perfectly within her rights not to feel like having sex. He's perfectly within his rights to wish they did. No obligation on either side to feel differently but communicating and trying to come to a compromise or at least a mutual understanding is the key to solving this, as part of working on their relationship in general.

deblet · 08/12/2016 13:09

You are not being unreasonable OP and you seem to have tried all you can to tempt her and make sure you are doing your share of work, childcare etc. Unfortunately sex is very much a case of the less you have the less you can be bothered and it starts to look like another thing on the to do list for many people. However this is not fair to the other partner in the marriage. A frank discussion needs to be had to see if she wants to make the effort to regain her desire or if she does not. If she does not then you need to decide if you want a sexless marriage or not. If she wants to try relate can help with sexual therapy I believe or she can tell you what she needs. In the case of a lot of my friends it has been a case of simply doing it and then the desire comes back but that won't work for everyone. It is not unreasonable to desire your wife it is how you tackle it that matters. Only she can tell you what she wants to do. I hope you sort it out to make you both happy.

Whatallama · 08/12/2016 13:09

What do you see as the role of sex within a marriage? Should it be just what the woman wants, or are the wishes of both parties important.

Like it or not, marriage is, by its definition a sexual relationship.

myoriginal3 · 08/12/2016 13:10

I can cite some divorce outcomes for you to read. Just a suggestion.

Whatallama · 08/12/2016 13:11

That was to myoriginal3 btw

creakyknees13 · 08/12/2016 13:11

I love sex. I abhor rape. I abhor coercion

Me too, which is why I have NEVER and would never suggest in any way that the DW should be forced to have sex against her will. The OP has also said that he would never pressure her into sex. But it is unrealistic to expect someone to live in a sexless relationship and you don't seem to realise the emotional toll that feeling rejected can take on a person. If you never want to have sex with your spouse again, that is fine. But you need to let him go in that case and end the marriage. You cannot expect someone to be monogamous to you and live in a marital relationship with you if you know that you are unwilling to show them affection.

April1983 · 08/12/2016 13:12

I don't get this harshness towards the OP?? No matter what anyone says, sex and the intimacy that comes from it are an important part of marriage and the OP is asking a fair question. If this was a woman asking about how to get her husband to have more sex I'm sure the answers would be very different!!

OP, just give her some time, carry on what you're doing by being complimentary, generally a good husband and hugging etc, if there are no medical issues then she might start thinking about it again. Sometimes the libido just disappears after having a baby and tiredness plays a big part in that. Maybe it would be nice if you went away on a holiday together. A relaxing holiday may bring the intimacy back in your relationship and she may get her drive back too? xx

creakyknees13 · 08/12/2016 13:14

I can cite some divorce outcomes for you to read. Just a suggestion

Well, as luck would have it, you are speaking to a divorce lawyer. I can't count the number of times I have drafted 'lack of affection' on a divorce petition under 'unreasonable behaviour'.

But you are right, if this is not something she wants to address, she should divorce him. But not because he is doing something wrong. There is nothing wrong with wanting to have an intimate relationship with and sexually desiring someone that you love. Divorcing him would be because she realises that they want different things from the relationship.

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