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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask for more sex...

427 replies

PseudoDad · 07/12/2016 20:45

Now I've got your attention with the thread - I need some advice from ladies/couples.

I've been married to my wife for 6 years. We have a wonderful son who is 18 months old. I am happy in every aspect of life except one...the bedroom.

Since our son was conceived almost 2 1/2 years ago we have had sex just 5 times. Prior to this, we weren't at it like rabbits but I was very happy with twice a week.

We both work hard jobs and as you know it can be exhausting bringing up a child. However, going up to 6 months without sex just isn't enough for me. My wife is a wonderful woman in every way. I think she is beautiful and has kept her looks/figure perfectly after our baby. She is the only woman I want. Its due to this though that I feel so down about the whole thing.

I've tried talking to her about this - but its hard without coming across as the total nob of a husband who is pushing for sex. I understood her concerns when she was pregnant and the fact she needed a break after birth - but when is enough enough?

How should I approach this in a way that respects my wife - but stops this eating away at me?

A x

OP posts:
Trifleorbust · 08/12/2016 11:23

myoriginal3: I still don't get what you are trying to say about what I said...

maddiemookins16mum · 08/12/2016 11:25

These threads always turn into
You are not helping enough around the house
You try looking after a toddler all day, it's exhausting
Cook your own meals (ooops, my mistake but you get my point).
YANBU Op (apart from being a bloke and posting in AIBU on a forum which has more women than men).

myoriginal3 · 08/12/2016 11:27

You are suggesting this is a biological norm. I'm agreeing with you, but saying that we can't really tell as men could continue raping their wives as and when they pleased until relatively recently so we won't have evidence yet.

myoriginal3 · 08/12/2016 11:29

Fwiw fear of pregnancy is also a massive turn off for me personally. And I know I'm not the only one.

harveyyspecter · 08/12/2016 11:29

I have a friend who sounds exactly like your wife. We've talked about it loads and she said that now she has her babies she's just not interested in the sex side of her relationship because before it had a purpose and now it doesn't. I was shocked as I can't comprehend how it must feel to view sex that way.

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all and I think you need to have a serious talk with her.

Trifleorbust · 08/12/2016 11:30

myoriginal3: I see. Well, I am suggesting it might be, yes.

Trifleorbust · 08/12/2016 11:31

myoriginal3: I see. Well, I am suggesting it might be, yes.

JackShit · 08/12/2016 11:33

Dreadful thread. OP YANBU. Being the sole earner is fucking stressful! Housework ffs! Sahm should be doing the lion's share. Crazy responses.

myoriginal3 · 08/12/2016 11:35

She's not a sahm.

Trifleorbust · 08/12/2016 11:54

His wife works part-time AND does most of the childcare and housework. She is working at least as hard as he is. Small children and physically and mentally draining.

LauraBiding · 08/12/2016 12:01

Its hard when we cuddle as I do get turned on - why shouldn't I by my wife - but she then gets scared I want something and wants to go to sleep.

What if you agree together NOT to have sex, whatever happens, for six months? Explain that you love her, and know you've put her under pressure, and the only way you can see to end the pressure is to both agree no sex under any circumstances for six months. You'd like to spend time with her, enjoy being together etc etc but even if you get turned on you do not want sex.

(This of course requires having a part of your brain not ruled by your cock in the heat of the moment - no pleading looks etc.)

During this time take her lead on cuddles and things. Remind her gently if necessary that it's ok, you do not want sex, we agreed six months, blah blah.

It just seems the only way to make sure there is no pressure for a while - no pressure on her and you know exactly where you stand.

(Possibly another six months will be necessary. Review situation after a year because you'll have a better idea of the way forward.)

Msqueen33 · 08/12/2016 12:03

I find that now we've had kids my dh who holds down a busy responsible job becomes a man child around some things. "It's lunchtime, what do they eat?" When they eat what they've always eaten. I feel like I'm directing another child.

Our situation is slightly different. Dh works a lot (apparently it's easier to work longer in the office than log on at home and help), or is out doing his hobby and I'm a sahm to 3 kids 8-4 and two have autism. I'm exhausted. My dh takes no interest in their therapies, assisting with education or doing much. He gropes my bottom or boobs and I'm meant to find that sexually attractive. I feel pressured into sex whilst being unappreciated.

Whatallama · 08/12/2016 12:20

Expecting the op to take sex off the table for 6 months is really cruel to him. It's like telling someone on a diet to sniff chocolate (or whatever is most tempting), when they are hungry, but not salivate.

They are both adults, and they should be able to have an adult conversation about what's happened to their sex life.

myoriginal3 · 08/12/2016 12:23

Yes. She has said she's not interested.

Mountainhighchair · 08/12/2016 12:28

Oh, maddie wins the thread bingo

Whatallama · 08/12/2016 12:29

But why isn't she interested? Sex is an important part of marriage, and when is gone on this long just 'not being interested' isn't fair.

Exclusive sex is part of the marriage deal. Of course the deal can change over time, but there should be a reason for it.

If the wife here cares so little about her husband sexually, then why should he remember his commitment to fidelity?

myoriginal3 · 08/12/2016 12:30

I hereby vow to provide sex on tap...?

Not one of the vows I made.

myoriginal3 · 08/12/2016 12:32

He should leave if it's a deal breaker. See how much he gets then.
It might just cool his ardour.

creakyknees13 · 08/12/2016 12:33

Expecting the op to take sex off the table for 6 months is really cruel to him. It's like telling someone on a diet to sniff chocolate (or whatever is most tempting), when they are hungry, but not salivate

I agree. He has already gone 2 and a half years with sex at 6-month intervals and now he's supposed to back off completely for another 6 months. But I bet these posters are the same who would berate someone who had an affair (or even someone who left their family because they were unhappy in the relationship). It seems that some sort of sainthood is expected. You try being sexually rejected on a regular basis and see how it feels. Yes, she has had a baby and she looks after the baby. So do millions of other women. She is not a saint for doing this and I doubt that one child tires her out to the extent that she cannot contemplate having sex with her husband. If it does, she needs to seek some help. Being the main breadwinner is also stressful and she chose to work part-time to be at home with the dc.

If she is unwilling to do anything about this or thinks it is normal, then I do not think the marriage will survive long at all. I would not blame the OP for wanting to pursue a more fulfilling relationship.

FWIW I have a friend who sounds similar to the DW. Someone upthread said they had a friend who said that sex had lost its purpose post-DC and my friend said something similar. She has not had sex with her husband for a year. He would never cheat on her but I feel deeply sorry for him because I wonder what he really gets out of the marriage- there is little affection between them, it's all very perfunctory and all conversations revolve around their DC.

myoriginal3 · 08/12/2016 12:38

How do men manage when they're single? Hmm

hanflan · 08/12/2016 12:39

I am so sorry you've had such a bashing, OP.

There was a similar thread a while back which was the reverse situation. Woman wanted sex, husband had no sex drive. Funnily enough, everyone sided with the woman.

Now it's a man wanting sex with his wife, it's all "she doesn't HAVE to have sex with you, leave her alone." Hmm

At the end of the day, there is a reason your wife doesn't want sex e.g. she's too tired, doesn't enjoy it... we can't tell you what that reason is, only she can, so communication (and patience) is key here.

creakyknees13 · 08/12/2016 12:45

How do men manage when they're single? hmm

God, being single is nothing like living with someone you love and desire but they refuse to be intimate with you. You feel rejection, frustration, humiliation and low self-esteem. If you are single, it can be frustrating but you do not get that constant sense of being rejected, of having your advances turned down. The two are not comparable. The OP does not want just sex per se, he wants sex with his wife.

PeteSwotatoes · 08/12/2016 12:45

Maybe you could go to Relate?

I've not had kids but I've stopped sleeping with a boyfriend in the past. It was symptomatic of my dissatisfaction with the relationship. Every time we cuddled and he got aroused I felt sick and eventually I stopped being affectionate at all. My libido came back when I left him.

Whatallama · 08/12/2016 12:46

myoriginal3, given that not consummating the marriage in the first place means sl either party can void it, and having sex with someone else is a ground for divorce, you can't deny that sex is a key part of the marriage commitment.

Anyway, asserting exclusivity over someone's sexuality (ie they can't get it elsewhere), comes with a moral obligation to be fair on the other person.

creakyknees13 · 08/12/2016 12:49

I hereby vow to provide sex on tap...? Not one of the vows I made

You might wanna read the bible and the teachings of the church on sex within marriage in a little bit more detail...