Son so upset WWYD

[JendallKenner]

Hi, DS is 13 and walks home every day with his best friend(D) and another boy(J). For background this other boy often likes to be a bit touchy feely in the way of little pushes, punches and 'playfight' type things. DS is not like that at all but plays along usually because he worries about losing these friends (he took a long time to get to know people at current school). I've always told him if he's not happy with the interaction between them to tell this boy and tell me, so far it's been ok and they've all been friendly together.

Also, DS has eating issue (SED) and certain foods absolutely repel him.

He came home from school today absolutely distraught, in fact ive never seen him so upset. He could barely breathe. J found a tube of soft cheese (think Primula or similar) and picked it up and squeezed it all over DS. It went all over his blazer, trousers, hair and face.

His best friend D laughed, J laughed and after DS asked him to stop he carried on doing it rubbing it right into his clothes. The two of them found it hilarious and when DS started crying laughed even more.

He is mostly upset that D stood and laughed instead of sticking up for him, and now I don't know what to do. DH says tomorrow he should take butter into school and rub it all over J

My thinking is we go round this evening to speak to parents as not only is it a shitty thing to do when someone doesn't like it but his blazer is a nightmare to wash and it's disrespectful to do this to someone's clothes.

One of the foods he has issues with is cheese, he absolutely can't bear it being all over him right now and is currently showering it off crying.

OR - do we all need to get a grip? Is it just 'lads banter'? DS is a very sensitive boy, he doesn't get involved in fights and things do upset him easily, mostly as I said D laughing at him.
If I go round to the house any ideas how to approach this?

I wouldn't go round, but I would speak to the school.

You get school to deal with it. It's bullying and you need to invoke their policies.

Could you ring the parents? It would be a bit less heavy than going round but still makes the point. Otherwise, definitely tell the school. Poor lad.

Going round never ends well, I would contact the school. At least, that's what I'd do if I managed to keep my sensible head on. In reality I think I'd probably end up round at D's house (because I agree, that's more upsetting).

It is absolutely NOT lads' banter.

What a nasty, nasty thing to do. Your poor boy.

I would speak to the school first. Although the temptation to tear a strip off the other boys parents must be overwhelming. But you've got to keep your cool and show your ds how to behave in the face of this.

He needs cuddles and reassuring that you're going to deal with this. Would you be able to pick him up after school so he doesn't have to walk home with these boys until this is sorted?

God, kids can be vile, can't they?

J sounds nasty and D more keen to stay in with J than with your son. Going round to the parents may not be the best thing to do. What are the parents of J and D like, do you know them?
I'd probably approach the school and ask to see their year tutor or whoever is in charge of discipline. Schools often take quite seriously bad behaviour carried out in public while wearing school uniform.

If you have a good relationship with the parents I would speak to them. If it, or they're not reasonable people, i'd let the school deal with it.

Horrible behaviour. I'd cry if my friends did that to me and I have no SEN.

Wow. Your poor DS. Just wow. I'm really shocked.

go and speak to the school, you need to nip this in the bud now
your poor ds

Get school to deal with it. What a shit to do that to your ds! It's not going to be effective to see the parents. They may share the same view as their son and think it's funny. It's so hard when you want to go Beverley Goldberg and hurt them tenfold being mean to your ds.

Didn't the teachers notice?
I think it would be best to speak to the parents directly, if they are likely to be reasonable about it.

No you don't need to get a grip. No it's not just "banter". It is really horrible behaviour and definitely speak to the school immediately and ask them about their bullying policy.

I'd not speak to the parents - it's unlikely to end well. Their children will tell it completely differently to their own parents and the parents are more likely to want to believe their own than someone else's - even if you show them the ruined blazer.

Take the blazer into school as evidence and ask the school how (not if) they are going to deal with it.

It's not bullying if it's the only thing that's ever happened (assume the play fighting involved all 3 of them not just the other boy punching your son). And it could have been playful- I don't think they think too much about issues like washing blazers at that age: "oh look, squeeze cheese!", squirts at your son not in a malicious way, but just because.

However, it was nasty to carry on when your son wash obviously upset and to laugh at your upset. And also sad that your sons friend joined in with the laughing, although to be fair stepping in and saying no in these situations is the hardest thing to do, so don't been too harsh on friend about it.
I would go and speak to the school and get it sorted. But I would also make sure from your son first that this is a one off.

I would definitely contact the school. Quite apart from any issues your poor DS may have with food it is unacceptable that they have made such a mess of his clothes.

Thanks so much for replies, currently trying to calm DH down, he believes the ONLY solution is to take a carton of milk or something in tomorrow to do the same back.

I'm going to speak to the school, and not go round as tempting as it is. My son knows where he lives but I don't have the boys parent's number and never met them.

The teachers didn't see because they were about half way home, but yes am hoping they get involved.

In the meantime DS is going to message J on Instagram and tell him how upset he is to give him a chance to apologise.

Yes 13 year old boys can be stupid, casually cruel to peers and indulge in stupid pranks. Anyone who has had a 13 year old boy knows that but this is beyond that.

One squeeze of the tube would be banter but repeated goes amidst crying not so good.

Op what does your ds want you to do? Be very careful going to the school as this will be seen as 'grassing' and coukd rebound on your ds.

I understand those advising it at 7/8/9/10 years but 13 is tricky. I have had 4 kids and they were at their worst emotionally and hormonally at 13.

D might be afraid of J or trying to impress him by supporting him.

Coukd your ds contact D tonight? They are always on social media and see how things are now?

Never go round a parents house as that never ends well.

I know I am not advising much but this may be an isolated incident and never happen again and going into school all guns blazing could have massive consequences for your teenager.

I would ignore this one incident and see how things go.

I would also get your ds into self defence or martial arts classes to build his self respect and confidence because he will need to toughen up as he gets older. However 13 is tyr worse age for this and lads do mature and get much nicer.

Good luck going forward.

Oh god no, don't do that, anything in retaliation will NOT end well. Bully child will cry to teachers and your DS will take all the blame.

Save the uniform, don't wash it, show school and involve them.

And I mean toughen up in the nicest way as we all need to build resilience

Nope not banter at all, even for a child that has no issue with food.

I would talk to the school as it happened when they were going back home I imagine.

I would also have a chat with your ds about friends are. It seems that he is already upset about D reaction and clearly J has shown his true colours...
Any idea why he is finding hard to make new friends? And si there any way you can help him build his self confidence a bit?

Depends if you know parents are reasonable and if out of character for the boys if so I would go round.

If not I would contact the school. Although some schools reluctant to get involved in anything happening off school premises so emphasise all boys in full school uniform

What a shitty thing to do.

I agree with every word Footinmouth says

Xpost

Please don't let your ds to message J on Instagram (for everyone to see) telling him he was upset.
Sorry but J has already shown that he won't stop at a child crying. Your ds telling him he is upset will just make things worse! And his answer is likely to be shared with everyone (with the associated backlash)