Son so upset WWYD

[JendallKenner]

Hi, DS is 13 and walks home every day with his best friend(D) and another boy(J). For background this other boy often likes to be a bit touchy feely in the way of little pushes, punches and 'playfight' type things. DS is not like that at all but plays along usually because he worries about losing these friends (he took a long time to get to know people at current school). I've always told him if he's not happy with the interaction between them to tell this boy and tell me, so far it's been ok and they've all been friendly together.

Also, DS has eating issue (SED) and certain foods absolutely repel him.

He came home from school today absolutely distraught, in fact ive never seen him so upset. He could barely breathe. J found a tube of soft cheese (think Primula or similar) and picked it up and squeezed it all over DS. It went all over his blazer, trousers, hair and face.

His best friend D laughed, J laughed and after DS asked him to stop he carried on doing it rubbing it right into his clothes. The two of them found it hilarious and when DS started crying laughed even more.

He is mostly upset that D stood and laughed instead of sticking up for him, and now I don't know what to do. DH says tomorrow he should take butter into school and rub it all over J

My thinking is we go round this evening to speak to parents as not only is it a shitty thing to do when someone doesn't like it but his blazer is a nightmare to wash and it's disrespectful to do this to someone's clothes.

One of the foods he has issues with is cheese, he absolutely can't bear it being all over him right now and is currently showering it off crying.

OR - do we all need to get a grip? Is it just 'lads banter'? DS is a very sensitive boy, he doesn't get involved in fights and things do upset him easily, mostly as I said D laughing at him.
If I go round to the house any ideas how to approach this?

Thank you francis that is a really good point and will remind him of that. I think if he had more confidence he'd cope a lot better, he's taken this whole situation as evidence that he's not popular, not liked or cared about.
I agree with you, I believe in the good in teenagers and there's very few that are out and out horrible, several are still learning and pushing boundaries but they're good kids underneath it all.

Kids can be vile and evil (no coincidence those words are anagrams). By the age of 13 they do know the difference between right and wrong. You should definitely get the school involved, if they say it was outside of their jurisdiction then you really should contact the police. I don't know where you live, but in England and Wales the age of criminal responsibility is 10, and this was definitely a criminal act. Assault and criminal damage I would have thought, but the police will be able to advise what they can charge the offender with.

It may seem heavy-handed but the threat of facing trial or even imprisonment might be the shock this boy needs to realise that his behaviour has consequences. Hopefully his parents will realise that too.

When I was at school there was a problem amongst the boys there of people being given "wedgies" on their birthday. How did the school stop this? Reporting the children involved in the assault to their parents for "aggressive homosexuality" (the exact words used), identifying these pupils in front of the whole school in assembly, and telling everyone that in future anyone found to be giving a "wedgie" would be reported to the police for sexual assault.

That stopped it, at least for the rest of the time I was at the school I didn't hear anyone being the victim of this sort of attack.

Some boys need the threat of punishment to understand that their behaviour is unacceptable and that assault is assault, regardless of how old they are.

I agree with SnatchedPencil. I too have been wondering about a different approach. While not wishing to minimise the effect on your son I think that you (and perhaps the school too) should give more emphasis to the damage to your son's blazer. The boy's parents can hardly justify this even if they try to excuse his bullying as 'only joking'. This would give the staff the opportunity to begin with something along the lines of "Of course if he hadn't been behaving so badly the blazer wouldn't have been damaged."
This would move the focus from your son to their son.