Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8

Original poster

Son so upset WWYD

179 replies

JendallKenner · 07/12/2016 16:56

Hi, DS is 13 and walks home every day with his best friend(D) and another boy(J). For background this other boy often likes to be a bit touchy feely in the way of little pushes, punches and 'playfight' type things. DS is not like that at all but plays along usually because he worries about losing these friends (he took a long time to get to know people at current school). I've always told him if he's not happy with the interaction between them to tell this boy and tell me, so far it's been ok and they've all been friendly together.

Also, DS has eating issue (SED) and certain foods absolutely repel him.

He came home from school today absolutely distraught, in fact ive never seen him so upset. He could barely breathe. J found a tube of soft cheese (think Primula or similar) and picked it up and squeezed it all over DS. It went all over his blazer, trousers, hair and face.

His best friend D laughed, J laughed and after DS asked him to stop he carried on doing it rubbing it right into his clothes. The two of them found it hilarious and when DS started crying laughed even more.

He is mostly upset that D stood and laughed instead of sticking up for him, and now I don't know what to do. DH says tomorrow he should take butter into school and rub it all over J

My thinking is we go round this evening to speak to parents as not only is it a shitty thing to do when someone doesn't like it but his blazer is a nightmare to wash and it's disrespectful to do this to someone's clothes.

One of the foods he has issues with is cheese, he absolutely can't bear it being all over him right now and is currently showering it off crying.

OR - do we all need to get a grip? Is it just 'lads banter'? DS is a very sensitive boy, he doesn't get involved in fights and things do upset him easily, mostly as I said D laughing at him.
If I go round to the house any ideas how to approach this?

OP posts:

Footinmouthasusual · 07/12/2016 18:16

what a vile boy j is

Yes he is at 13 but he might be a totally lovely mature lad at 17!

I have had 4 teenagers so literally know dozens of other teenagers who have been pretty vile at 13 and pretty lovely at 16. Just saying.

PosiePootlePerkins · 07/12/2016 18:16

I'm going to go against all of those warning about Ds being seen as a grass. The school must know about this, and they should be seen to be dealing with it. If they are a good school they will reinforce to the other boys that their behaviour is completely unacceptable. Not sure if they would be able to issue a sanction as it didn't take place on school grounds, but they should certainly be having stern words.
I am speaking from experience wth the whole 'don't tell the school because I'll be a grass'. How are children who behave like this ever going to be punished if no one tells the school? When we had a similar situation, I had to put my foot down with my Ds and tell him we were going to let the school deal with it. Which they did, really well.
OP i have a son who is a sensitive boy. We have had to support him in learning to be assertive and stand up for himself, which goes against his nature. He attends Choi Kwang Do, a self defence class with a really positive ethos, and this has helped him with his confidence hugely.
Please don't let your DH make the situation worse by encouraging your Ds to retaliate, it will only backfire.

baconandeggies · 07/12/2016 18:18

Hardly a rant Foot, and you're wrong about your guess.

OP - does he have good self-esteem? I hope you can help him realise that these boys are not his friends.

holidaysaregreat · 07/12/2016 18:18

It didn't happen in school time, so I do feel that parents are responsible for their offspring outside of school. I would definitely stick up for him & find another way of him getting to school that means he avoids them. No it's not banter - they were being mean. However sometimes teenage boys don't think things through properly. They should really be apologizing for being so vile. I have no idea why people always suggest on here to pass things on to school - even things that happen outside of school. Head of year already has a million and one things to deal with that happen inside school grounds and in school time. However it could be worth letting them know so they can be vigilant. I'd want to know if my son did it & would be more than happy to be the one dealing with him rather than school dealing with him.
Hope he's OK btw, it does sound vile.

Aeroflotgirl · 07/12/2016 18:21

No don't go round, have a meeting with the school headteacher or head of year, take pictures, take the soiled blazer in as well. This is bullying, I am sorry that these boys were'nt the friends he thought they were .

Original poster

JendallKenner · 07/12/2016 18:21

Footinmouth this is what I've done:

Told DH to calm down, forget the milk for now and let's not go to the parent's house tonight. I've said to DS he is a mature, capable person and asked him what his instinct is for dealing with this. He said he wants to message D and talk to him so he's just done that and D has said sorry for laughing, that he was shocked and didn't mean to upset him.

I said the milk/butter revenge is IMO not a good idea but that he's sensible and I trust him to think through the consequences and weigh up whether it's a good idea. He said thinking about it he doesn't want to go down that route. He's now talking to D and another boy who was walking behind them who he kind of knows and who saw it all and said it was horrible to watch :(

I'm going to see how he is later and in the morning and then decide whether to contact the school, at the moment he's begged me not to. If he was 7 or 8 there would be no question, I'd either be round the parents house or at the school but as he's older I'm trying to help equip him to deal with life's shitty situations.

I maybe shouldn't have done this but have put the blazer in the wash, if it comes out clean that's fine - IF it doesn't I will 100% be ringing the school in the morning and taking the blazer in, DS knows this and understands.

It really helps to talk about this, I have no idea what I'm doing half the time, teenage years are the hardest so far!!

OP posts:

Bluntness100 · 07/12/2016 18:22

No revenge, at most you son should laugh it off and call the other boy a tosser. Revenge is going to escalate it and I think the other boy can give better than uour son.

I'd also go against the grain here and listen to your son. If he doesn't want you to say anything, then I'd be tempted to tell him I won't, but quietly ask the school to keep an eye out and to not mention it to the kids because of the friendship, it could be a one off where it went too far. The reason I say this is because it will cause your son to lose these friends and I'm unsure if he will have other friends. It could make his life more difficult where it may not be necessary, it's a gamble either way.

To be honest, I'd also be tempted to go ballistic, but as this is a first time, and your son doesn't want you to act, I'd listen. If it happens again, I'd then act with no further discussion.

Aeroflotgirl · 07/12/2016 18:24

Yes what if your ds had been allergic to that cheese, it could have been catastrophic. You do need to involve the school over any bullying. This was nasty and malicious, and J carried on repeatedly, even though op ds was visibly distressed. What a nasty and awful boy, and his friend, just standing there laughing.

user789653241 · 07/12/2016 18:26

Haven't read whole thread(sorry), but don't wash it. Take photos of everything , and charge for cleaning fee. That's what I would do to make the point. And definitely speak to school.

Lndnmummy · 07/12/2016 18:34

I think your son is being very mature. I am glad that he got support from D (and an apology) and the other biy that walked behind them. It really is not on though and I would find it very hard not to talk to the school (but completely understand how hard it must be if your son doesnt want you to).

Aeroflotgirl · 07/12/2016 19:20

I still think you should, mabey the HOY can reassure him, that its going to be ok, that he has done the right thing. What if he does that to another child!

Handsoffmysweets · 07/12/2016 19:34

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request

Original poster

JendallKenner · 07/12/2016 19:41

OP - does he have good self-esteem? I hope you can help him realise that these boys are not his friends.

Not really no, he lacks confidence and went through most of year 7 and half of year 8 with no friends. He is shy and an introvert but once you get to know him he is funny, caring and a great friend.

holidays this is my thinking too, I know the school are completely responsible for tackling all bullying in school hours but outside does it come down to the parents a bit too? I know I'd step up and take some responsibility if DS did something like this on the way home and would expect a call from the parents. However, I'm not confrontational and have hesitated now about going round having never met them and not wanting it to escalate.

What I might do as it's really weighing on my mind is speak to the HOY or pastoral manager as he's very good with bullying incidents and I'll ask him to keep it confidential for now. Blazer has come out perfect so no lasting damage there, just been into see DS in his room and he's much calmer now, he's heard from another friend of the boy who witnessed it and had lots of support from him.

Will try again to encourage him with the martial arts, Posie upthread mentioned Choi Kwang Do am going to look into this now.

OP posts:

SenseiWoo · 07/12/2016 19:41

When I was about 15 a boy knowingly triggered my phobia by throwing the phobia object at me. I fainted immediately, and came round crying out in horror. In this case he was remorseful anyway, but when the teachers found out they took it seriously. Not only is it mental torture, it can have serious physical consequences if you faint and fall as I did. If we had been indoors rather than on the playing field I would probably have been badly hurt.

Please do tell the school if only for that reason.

glitterandtinsel · 07/12/2016 20:04

'Fucks sake' isn't a sweaty rant! A sweaty rant is more than one swear word, surely?

Phoebeby · 07/12/2016 20:20

Awful
When I first started reading I thought you were going to say he was scared about the play fighting while walking to school - i am terrified about this & my yr 7 and him being pushed into the road.
He doesn't need these friends, he'll find others

Bluetrews25 · 07/12/2016 20:22

I think you could do with tackling your anxieties, too.
You are modelling stressy behaviour, unfortunately.
Can you do an martial arts together??

Footinmouthasusual · 07/12/2016 20:22

Op I think you are handling this incredibly sensibly and it's so bloody hard isn't it.

Regardless of all our views I could 100% tell you everyone is hoping this gets sorted in a way that helps your lovely ds.

baconandeggies · 07/12/2016 20:24

he's heard from another friend of the boy who witnessed it and had lots of support from him

That's good if a few of them are rallying round - I wonder if (as a collective) these other boys might tell a teacher about it anyway..

holidaysaregreat · 07/12/2016 20:29

Glad he has calmed down OP & it's nice to hear he has support from someone else who saw him. It is the last thing he needs if he is lacking in confidence. Really glad the blazer has come up OK too. Let us know how he gets on tomorrow. :)

smartiecake · 07/12/2016 20:31

I work in education and I am horrified at what has happened to your DS. Please tell the school and ask them to take action against both boys. If you don't you run the risk of this being the beginning of further trouble from these boys. The school should come down very hard on these boys. This may have not happened in school but they are still representing the school on their way their and back as they are wearing the uniform. Your poor DS. You have to tell the school and then ask them what action they will take.

OlennasWimple · 07/12/2016 20:37

Lots of schools have a "if you are wearing uniform, you are representing the school" approach to their behaviour policy, so dont' assume that out of school time means that they won't get involved.

At the very least, they need to know that one of their students has had a particularly traumatic experience, and another has behaved in a way that needs monitoring in case it gets worse.

for DS

Cherrysoup · 07/12/2016 20:42

No revenge. Your dh really must not get involved, he's not 13, he needs to be the adult about this. Your ds shouldn't lower himself to take revenge, it won't end well and revenge will exacerbate the situation.

I would quietly inform school so they can keep an eye out.

Footinmouthasusual · 07/12/2016 20:45

Really really good news to hear that some friends were shocked. Often it takes an incident like this and then going home and thinking about it to make kids step up and call out the bully.

That's so reassuring.

My dsis works in education as a deputy head and understands the policies but has no clue about the real nitty gritty of teenagers lives and how they view the rights and wrongs of involving adults. She isn't a parent.

Please op keep us posted if you can to see how things go and how your ds is. Xx

Rachel0Greep · 07/12/2016 20:50

Good idea to does to someone in the school, in confidence. Your poor DS! Hope he feels a lot better in the morning.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8