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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Son so upset WWYD

179 replies

JendallKenner · 07/12/2016 16:56

Hi, DS is 13 and walks home every day with his best friend(D) and another boy(J). For background this other boy often likes to be a bit touchy feely in the way of little pushes, punches and 'playfight' type things. DS is not like that at all but plays along usually because he worries about losing these friends (he took a long time to get to know people at current school). I've always told him if he's not happy with the interaction between them to tell this boy and tell me, so far it's been ok and they've all been friendly together.

Also, DS has eating issue (SED) and certain foods absolutely repel him.

He came home from school today absolutely distraught, in fact ive never seen him so upset. He could barely breathe. J found a tube of soft cheese (think Primula or similar) and picked it up and squeezed it all over DS. It went all over his blazer, trousers, hair and face.

His best friend D laughed, J laughed and after DS asked him to stop he carried on doing it rubbing it right into his clothes. The two of them found it hilarious and when DS started crying laughed even more.

He is mostly upset that D stood and laughed instead of sticking up for him, and now I don't know what to do. DH says tomorrow he should take butter into school and rub it all over J

My thinking is we go round this evening to speak to parents as not only is it a shitty thing to do when someone doesn't like it but his blazer is a nightmare to wash and it's disrespectful to do this to someone's clothes.

One of the foods he has issues with is cheese, he absolutely can't bear it being all over him right now and is currently showering it off crying.

OR - do we all need to get a grip? Is it just 'lads banter'? DS is a very sensitive boy, he doesn't get involved in fights and things do upset him easily, mostly as I said D laughing at him.
If I go round to the house any ideas how to approach this?

OP posts:

Serialweightwatcher · 07/12/2016 17:30

That's not fair at all - your poor child ....... my son is really fussy and has real problems with certain foods/smells near him, let alone on him - he would have reacted in exactly the same way - they obviously don't realise just how stressful it is for him because they don't feel it, so you do need to speak to the parents ... my son would have been extremely distraught and he's 13

Angelil · 07/12/2016 17:32

Some things are for the school to deal with - even at this age.
When I was 13 a girl threatened me with a (we later learned fake) Stanley knife, holding it to my throat in an isolated area of the school grounds (probably didn't help that I often went for walks alone as I was already a bullied child and didn't have many friends).
Mum went straight to the school and they dealt with it. The girl didn't bother me again.
I know it's not always that simple, but it can be.

Nanny0gg · 07/12/2016 17:33

NO! Do not message. That will give the other boys more ammunition.

Speak to school and take it from there.

Angelil · 07/12/2016 17:33

Oh, and definitely a good idea to get the school to ask the parents to pay for cleaning or a new blazer (save blazer to show school what happened). Always go into a situation with an idea of what you want out of it - and this wouldn't be a bad start.

Original poster

JendallKenner · 07/12/2016 17:34

Gosh thank you everyone for the advice it means a lot. Footinmouth I really appreciate your words, yes it's incredibly difficult now he's a bit older, I'm finding it hard to balance letting him make his own decisions in conducting friendships, knowing when to step in and knowing when to stop 'snowflaking' him!

I don't agree with retaliation in this instance, DH will not stop banging on about it, he's just said he's going now to get milk ready for tomorrow, it's winding me up and riling DS up too as I know he doesn't actually want to do this, he's not naturally like that.

He hasn't messaged J, he's going to leave it, I just told him I'm telling the school and he's begged me not to saying it will make him be seen as a 'grass' and will ruin any chance of sorting the friendship out. Don't know what to do.

Yes he is mostly upset that D took J's side and joined in with the laughing, they are very close and D stays over here regularly, he told me last week we're like a second family to him and I've tried so hard to include him as he has a tough home life. It's very hurtful :(

OP posts:

FlyingElbows · 07/12/2016 17:35

NO social media messaging, it's just asking for trouble and will not go the way your son is hoping. This is out and out bullying and it's where you step in a speak to the school for advice if nothing else. If you know D's parents then perhaps go round but do not go knocking on the door of people you don't know. My son was witness to an assault on one kid by another and the police came to speak to him. They told us one parent had gone to the other and advised that nobody should do that because it never ends well. Also do not get involved with any sort of plans for physical retaliation, it will only make things worse.

ArcheryAnnie · 07/12/2016 17:35

That's just horrible, and would still be horrible even without your DS having eating issues. It's certainly bullying, and possibly more.

Don't go round to the parents' houses. Speak to the school first thing, and insist on it being dealt with at a senior level. Two boys conspired to attack your boy, and whether they were friends before or not is moot.

audreyharley · 07/12/2016 17:38

These people are not your son's friend, never let someone say "lad banter" as an excuse for such actions.

Original poster

JendallKenner · 07/12/2016 17:39

Angelil that's awful about the stanley knife what a horrible experience for you.

OP posts:

PensionOutOfReach · 07/12/2016 17:44

If your ds is really against you going to school, then let it go.
Keep an eye on it and if similar incidents happen again, then intervene.

Your ds has a point about being seen as a grass.

Maybe he can concentrate on his friendship with D.
He also needs to learn to stand up for himself TBH. Crying when someone is attacking him isn't going to help. He needs to learn to be more assertive and tell him to fuck off (and yes in those words too)

cordeliavorkosigan · 07/12/2016 17:44

Can your ds talk in a straightforward way to D, NOT on social media - just 'hey, how come you thought it was ok to be in on that, totally not on?' kind of thing? if D is going to do this kind of crap he shouldn't be staying over, feeling 'part of the family' any more and maybe if he sees that he'll stick with your ds over J. Sounds awful. I was bullied at 13 (girls, though) and it was the worst year I ever had. Parents approaching school had no effect, but maybe things are different now. I hope.

StarryIllusion · 07/12/2016 17:48

It went beyond lads banter when he started crying and they kept on. I would be round there speaking to J's parents and making sure he knows that he went too far. Is he aware that your DS has sensory issues? I assume so if they are friends and he should have known better at his age.

YouTheCat · 07/12/2016 17:49

Don't let it go. That kid needs to pay for the cleaning bill for a start.

If someone came up to you in the street and did that it's be a criminal matter. Talk to the school.

Bluetrews25 · 07/12/2016 17:51

Poor lad, that's horrible. Is he getting help for the food issue? A counsellor or similar might be able to suggest how to respond?
Glad you've decided not to message about being upset - it will just show further weakness.
Photographic evidence.
Throw it in the wash.
See how tomorrow goes, if he really wants you to leave it. But they only get one more chance.

tempester28 · 07/12/2016 17:53

If you have the phone number of boy J I would call his parents and explain that you are not happy about the clothes being ruined. His mum will realise that this is not on and deal with him.Obviously also say that your son was upset but If you want him to maintain the friendships (maybe you don't!) I would stay calm about the upset so that they can make up and move on. But I would stress the practical problem of stained clothes and that damaging someones clothes is just disrespectful.

baconandeggies · 07/12/2016 17:57

Crying when someone is attacking him isn't going to help. He needs to learn to be more assertive

Fucks sake. Unhelpful in the extreme. Who wouldn't cry if they were assaulted by so-called 'friends' in this way? Adults or children

laylabelle · 07/12/2016 17:59

Half the time the whole banter thing is used as a excuse to be horrible to someone..

Your poor son! Definitely take it up with the school!

Mummyoflittledragon · 07/12/2016 18:01

Sometimes you have to go against what your ds wants. Yes it's embarrassing for your parents to get involved. But he's still a child and you are his parents. I would do as a pp said and take the dirty uniform to school tomorrow. And tell your dh to go out for a jog or something and let off all that steam. He's really not helping.

Footinmouthasusual · 07/12/2016 18:02

Again I would strongly advise waiting to see what your ds wants you to do and what he plans to do tonight regarding contacting his friend or the other lad.

He's 13 he may solution it himself and your going into school could blow this stupid incident up into a massive problem for your ds.

Angelil · 07/12/2016 18:07

Thanks JendallKenner.

Definitely don't throw the blazer in the wash!! Keep it as is so that school and maybe parents can see.

Mittensonastring · 07/12/2016 18:10

Some people act like pack animals and the one perceived as the weakest gets picked on its shit and unfair. Unfortunately that level of alleged banter shows those two up to be massive shits and it's likely that the actual perpetrator will end up being one of life's massive arseholes as an adult.

The only advice I have is tell your DS to never reveal a perceived weakness. For instance my DS has a phobia of buttons and I told him straight never ever tell anyone because at some point you will meet someone who will use it against you.

Handsoffmysweets · 07/12/2016 18:10

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request

Footinmouthasusual · 07/12/2016 18:12

bacon your swearing rants are not helping this very delicate situation and my guess is you haven't yet been through the teenage years with your children.

This is very tricky for all concerned as you totally get op.

I am only looking at it from the best outcome for the ds and not knee jerk 'go to the school and demand action'

angeli a Stanley knife to the throat isn't cheese is it? Your mum was totally right to act in your case.

Yes sometimes you have to ignore your teenagers wishes and go to school if an incident is life threatening or very serious of course you do but this isn't that case here and please please op listen to your teenage son he needs your support to help meander through this incident and honestly trust me you could cause him far more trouble than this stupid incident by going into school

My concern is for your ds totally not for revenge on the bully etc.

Original poster

JendallKenner · 07/12/2016 18:13

Sorry if I'm not replying to everything, I have bad anxiety and struggling a bit at the mo, and feeling overwhelmed.

Pension the crying is a natural response for him, he is an emotional lad, sensitive and it has it's pros and cons. I could tell when he was home that he literally couldn't help crying. But lots of people have told me he needs to toughen up, I think martial arts would be great for him and have tried to encourage it for years but his lack of confidence holds him back.

Yes the two lads are aware of his sensory issues, eating is a real battle for him, he's under CAMHS and a dietician at the moment, it's being worked on very slowly but he's incredibly sensitive about food, I wouldn't expect his peers to completely understand his issues at all as it's complex, but the very least is to acknowledge that he has them and respect his boundaries with food - ie not smear it all over him.

Currently trying to discuss with DH that revenge is not the best option here but he thinks it's the only way to stop DS being a target.

Thanks again for everyone's advice and suggestions

OP posts:

MuddlingMackem · 07/12/2016 18:15

FWIW I don't see that your DS can stop you going into school, and taking his ruined blazer to show the head. I don't think a note from you or his dad is going to cut it tomorrow to excuse him not wearing full uniform.

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