Son so upset WWYD

[JendallKenner]

Hi, DS is 13 and walks home every day with his best friend(D) and another boy(J). For background this other boy often likes to be a bit touchy feely in the way of little pushes, punches and 'playfight' type things. DS is not like that at all but plays along usually because he worries about losing these friends (he took a long time to get to know people at current school). I've always told him if he's not happy with the interaction between them to tell this boy and tell me, so far it's been ok and they've all been friendly together.

Also, DS has eating issue (SED) and certain foods absolutely repel him.

He came home from school today absolutely distraught, in fact ive never seen him so upset. He could barely breathe. J found a tube of soft cheese (think Primula or similar) and picked it up and squeezed it all over DS. It went all over his blazer, trousers, hair and face.

His best friend D laughed, J laughed and after DS asked him to stop he carried on doing it rubbing it right into his clothes. The two of them found it hilarious and when DS started crying laughed even more.

He is mostly upset that D stood and laughed instead of sticking up for him, and now I don't know what to do. DH says tomorrow he should take butter into school and rub it all over J

My thinking is we go round this evening to speak to parents as not only is it a shitty thing to do when someone doesn't like it but his blazer is a nightmare to wash and it's disrespectful to do this to someone's clothes.

One of the foods he has issues with is cheese, he absolutely can't bear it being all over him right now and is currently showering it off crying.

OR - do we all need to get a grip? Is it just 'lads banter'? DS is a very sensitive boy, he doesn't get involved in fights and things do upset him easily, mostly as I said D laughing at him.
If I go round to the house any ideas how to approach this?

Poor lad, I can understand why he doesn't want to 'grass', it's probably a fear of more abuse.
I was horribly bullied at school (coat pocket filled with worms - I'm worm-phobic, taking my books so I got detentions etc)
I never told my parents because I knew it would get worse if I did.

Horrible place to be. I do hope this is an isolated incident.

@Pidlan - I don't think that anyone's said this although I may have missed it. Many suggested treading with care and remmebering that they're immature children and should be treated as such.

@BobsMum - they debatably have a responsibility although good schools would want to be involved as it's very unlikely to be behaviour that doesn't carry on in school. Besides which, most in the profession go way above and beyond what their actual responsibilities are and will go the extra mile to ensure the best for all involved.

I agree with much of what footloose has said.

There is no way that your son deserved any of this and your DHs endless insistence that he should plan retribution is simply another way of him indicating very clearly to your son that he felt he was a wimp not to react. It's a criticism of your son for not retaliating dressed up as a soloution.

Imho you do have to be careful how you raise these things with the school. That's fuck all with implying that your son doesn't matter and everything to do with achieving the best result for your son going forward.

If he were mine I would be very clear about your son having some control over how this is dealt with. Insisting that is handled in a way that worries or upsets him is just another way of him having no control.
I think raising it with a member of staff you trust to deal with it entirely in terms of supporting your son is the best way forward because no, you cant blindly trust reporting it to the school to work. Some schools are brilliant and some are tragically fucking inept when it comes to bullying.
I also think you need to find some method to improve your son's confidence. Have you taken any advice about his food phobias, his lack of confidence and lack of friends?
I would get him into some kind of activity outside school. It doesn't need to be self defence but going to something like a drama club,swimming , trampolines - any other sport where he can meet other friends and develop a skill would be good for him. Endlessly letting him opt out because he is shy and sensitive is going to make the problem worse.

I hope you get support from the school.

But surely that is the message Bugger- would adults put up with this? Why do we expect children and young people to stand fir things that would upset us very much?

(I feel rally rude that I've called you bugger )

You can't draw a comparison between adult interaction and only just teenagers.
Very few of us would think it was a good idea to squeeze cheese on each other. Young teenagers have physical relationships and interactions that few adults do. If you do the 'if it was an adult it would be assault' bit then the ops son should have been reporting his friend ages ago as their 'playfighting' falls into the assault arena too.

Teenagers can be fucking stupid, are ridiculously insecure and have no ability to see consequences clearly and very little impulse control. They can also be incredibly kind, supportive, genuinely remorseful and can learn from mistakes. Barging into the school with the blazer and making a huge deal out of this because if they were adults we wouldnt put up with it , especially when the ops son doesn't want that, is absoloutely the worst way to go.

None of us know what this is yet. It could be one dickhead and one boy too surprised and lacking the moral fibre to stick up for his friend. They are 13. Lets see what happens before we set fire to the room

I reported an incident I saw on a train to the school involved because I recognised the badge. The head called me back and said she was going to do an assembly about representing school on journeys home etc.

Also because I had guessed at general age she was going to get tutors in those year groups to ask if anyone had anything that had concerned them and if they wanted to talk about it.

So it is possible for things to have been reported anonymously.

pidlan no no one has said that in the slightest. Read the thread properly.

As pag says much better than I did teenagers are tricky. You just simply can't run to the school without thinking through the consequences of that action.

These are young adults at the worst age for stupidity and peer pressure/acceptance. They are not adults or children and you have to always look for the best outcome for all the children involved here, especially the ds, who has to meet these boys every day now for the next few years.

It's not as easy as you seem to think unless you just are out to satisfy your own moral feelings of punishment and what is right.

The teenage world does not take kindly having adults treating them like naughty children even if they act like it.

The ops ds must be allowed to take ownership of this incident and with help navigate through. They help may well be offered from his peer group which would be much better than adult intervention where possible.

I think it's good to talk to the school. When I was 14, a mostly-friend threw a knife at me. My mum reported it. I was horrified. But my mostly-friend was annoyed with himself and embarrassed at what he'd done. The school getting involved gave him a chance to apologise. We're still friends 25 years down the line. 'Grassing' can end well for everyone. (My friend is still scared of my mum, though!)

bugger so good to hear from a sensible head and I imagine this is why your school handles things so well although not all schools do and in my experience of 4 children and 6 schools,with our daft middle school system, someteachers have the tred of a cow elephant.

The martial arts or any sport, isn't anything to do with fighting back but to make the child look confident and we all know confidence repels bullies. But totally take your points completely.

Damn throwing a knife is very different to this scenario though isn't it? In that case your mum was completely right to report.

Buggerforthebottle - great to hear from a supportive and strong HT. There is, sadly, a lack of consistency on behaviour and bullying policies and implementation between schools. Maybe natural if it is mainly affected by the infinite variety in styles and staff strength of character between schools, but it makes it a very unfortunate lottery for the kids most likely to be bullied.

As frustrated as your H is, he's an adult FFS and his retaliation idea would do more harm than goon and is bloody childish. Telling a 13 year old to toughen up under these circumstances is pointless, it's a bit like asking me to run a marathon, I probably could but only if I had support and training. and counter productive.

Encourage your son to talk and to come up with best outcomes and what action he could take or encourage others to take, to make them happen. As traumatic as the experience was for your son, the most difficult thing appears to be his friend not supporting him and you should definitely encourage and provide (given the boy's home life) a safe space for your son to do this with his friend. I'm not excusing your son's friend's behaviour but just as your son's response to the incident triggered a response, the same could be said for his friends response to the situation.

The other boy's continued behaviour demonstrates a lack of respect for the boundaries of others and his bullying won't stop by itself. Therefore there will also need to be ideas and a plan to tackle it before it escalates further. Speaking to the school could be a way to address it but speaking to the boy's parents is unwise as he'll just lie or his parents won't care.

Conflict is totally normal but supporting/ empowering your son with learning to resolve conflicts, will be such a gift for him now and in the future.

Resilience is

As for your son, sit down with him and have a chat about boundaries and his right to protect them. If you also suffer with anxiety perhaps

footinmouth my having a differrent opinion to yours doesn't mean I haven't read the thread properly. I disagree with many posters because I believe that this kind of thing should have a consequence for J. I respect all opinions, even those which are different to mine.

pidlan you said very sad that some posters think being teenagers means putting up with physical altercation what a crappy lesson to tell them

No one has said this! No one! Just some of us see past the knee jerk solution of running to the school before stopping, listening to the ds who has begged not to have school involved and thinking through decisions and concequences to get the best possible outcome for the ds and all the other young teenagers.

As a mum of 4 teens now older I resent your comments that somehow those not immediately involving the school are somehow modelling bad behaviour or don't care. Very insulting. Especially as you say you have read the thread.

Any way good luck op crossing everything for your ds.

OK foot, I'm very sorry that I've offended you. We all parent in the best way we can and I think it's okay to have a different opinion on this kind of thing. Your quote above was what I feel is the implication of some posts, and I still feel that. But you don't, and that's okay too.

Hope today has gone better, OP.

For what it is worth, I don't think you are overreacting or modelling stressy behaviour.

Your child is effectively more vulnerable than others, and may need a different level of protection. Tell CAMHS what happened, too.

School needs to be aware of this behaviour. It was witnessed by others, and they were in uniform.

If said child had attempted to smear food over a child with anorexia, or wiped 'invisible germs/snot' over a kid with OCD, I imagine no one would question telling the school.

Hopefully D will agree to avoid J when they walk home in future. Could they buddy up with the boy who was walking behind them, do you think?

Just asked DS(16) what he thinks. He says tell school, it has already escalated beyond what your DS should deal with on his own. He talked about walking with other people, too.

Inform the school. It was a. Horrible thing to happen to your DS. It is bullying for sure and given that all Achilles are required to have an Anti Bullying policy in place, they ought to take your information seriously.
No child should have to put up with this sort of unpleasant behaviour - disguised as horseplay or joshing.

Argh. Text substitutions.

CaraAspen

Inform the school. It was a horrible thing to happen to your DS. It is bullying for sure and given that all schools are required to have an Anti Bullying policy, in place, they ought to take your information seriously.
No child should have to put up with this sort of unpleasant behaviour - disguised as horseplay or joshing.

pidlan no worries and yes we all parent the best we can of course

Yes to the above comments I didn't think the op was modelling stress behaviour either I thought she was perfectly sensible and measured given the upset of both her ds and dh.

I've only just had a minute to read through the replies thank you so much to everyone! It's really helped me feel supported posting this, I'm finding my way constantly raising a teen and it's not easy .

I'm on my phone so it's hard to scroll back and quote properly but thank you to bugger I think it was, the head teacher. You sound like a lovely, caring head, the students are lucky to have you and I appreciate your advice.

Someone asked why J had the cheese, he found it on the ground on the way home someone had used a bit already it seemed and dropped the rest.

Ds was worried last night about everything, he did say he was very hurt that D laughed so much but that he's forgiven him now. Time will tell I guess whether their friendship will last. He was ok this morning. I rang the school but the guy I want to speak to isn't in until later so have left a message to call me back , before I say anything to him I'll need to really emphasise how vital it is that he handles this sensitively.
Will update, and am now going to read through all the replies again!

Pidlan
But surely that is the message Bugger- would adults put up with this? Why do we expect children and young people to stand for things that would upset us very much?

They shouldn't be expected to stand for this. They should be guided through it. We also hold the wrong-doers to different standards to adults. Today I was told about a child who poured their food over another child for the third day in a row. They were doing it for nothing other than shits and giggles. I've no doubt I'd be sacked but because they were 3 we've tried other ways of stopping it. I'm sure you can see that there's a difference between getting away with something and not treating it as though it were an incident between adults.

There should be consequences but these should be different to if an adult had done the same.

At this stage I'd be looking to mend the friendship. Punishing D and J is likely to cement their friendship and give them a 'mutual enemy' (the OP's son). Assuming this was nothing more than adolescent stupidity and no underlying issues, I'd tear them a new arsehole (one for their nastiness and one for lack of loyalty) but I'd do it individually before moving on and letting relevant form teachers know about the situation. Bullies usually have their own issues which I'd approach entirely differently but this sounds like a one off.

What consequences would you like to see as the mother of the OP's son?

WelliesAndPyjamas and footinmouthasusual Thank you. Yes, I'm better than most although there are many much better than I am.

It's controversial but having worked in both state and now fee-paying schools, the biggest difference which allows us to implement effective behavioural policies is that I'm far more likely to have the parents' backing than my state school equivalent. This is a generalisation, of course, but in general, it's true.

I don't think that in this case it's a "knee-jerk" reaction to involve the school. They tend to be better trained than most to deal with this.

Calling the police is fucking ridiculous though.