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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

The man in the garden centre (staff) kissed me...

146 replies

NobblBobbl007 · 07/12/2016 09:18

Yesterday I was just stunned, today I feel more uncomfortable like I should have asserted my boundaries. Tell me what you think?

Back in the summer a young member of staff started chatting to me in my local garden centre. I didn't know him from adam but he said he recognised me from my frequent visits there. We got talking and he asked me how my garden is? It was literally chest-high in weeds as I'd had a large extension added and it had been neglected for two years. He went on to tell me how he adored gardening and would love to help me get the plot back into shape again. A week later having thought about it, I went back to the garden centre and asked if he was serious about helping me (he said he was) and I asked what his daily rate would be? He resolutely refused to accept any money saying it was against his managers rules that staff take paid employment elsewhere in their time off but that he'd still love to help me for free and that there was nothing more satisfying than seeing a neglected plot turned around. I thought the ££ a bit Confused but anyway we arranged a day. The day came, all was well, we both worked very hard, no funny business. At lunchtime I took him to a local (posh) cafe and treated him to whatever he wanted. When the end of the day came around, it was apparent he was fond of me but absolutely NOTHING happened. No innuendo etc. I'm 10yrs older. He told me he lives with his girlfriend. So I go to offer him some money because he did work really hard and again he refuses. So he leaves & that's it finished.
Then, roll on yesterday & I go to the garden centre to price up xmas trees (we're talking probably 6 months later). And there he is assisting with trees. The place is busy. I briefly check out the prices whilst he serves someone else, he nods & smiles hello. I leave that area and go inside to check out the decorations. Now in our garden centre, staff usually stay put in their 'zone'. Next thing I know I get a tap on the shoulder, he's come inside looking for me. He shifts from one foot to the other, slightly shy but with a big beaming smile on his face and then lunges forward to embrace me and kiss both cheeks! It all happened so fast I kind of went along with it. But I was taken aback. I sort of smiled back and said 'yes hello' etc but I was stunned. It was like he'd made his mind up to kiss me, never mind my personal boundaries. The whole thing was over quickly because he had to get back to his area. But today I feel uncomfortable about it. Had I been stronger I could have rebuffed that kiss - it overstepped the mark. But then it's only a kiss and it wasn't like he snogged me or anything. Today I just have that feeling that he wanted to be that intimately close to me & that he could achieve it with an 'innocent' hello kiss. It sounds so stupid, it was only a double cheek kiss, it's just the way it was done, sort of purposefully & forceful. It wasn't the light sort of 'air kiss' your gay interior designer might give you. Thankfully I don't have to go back there again so that's an end to it. AIBU?

OP posts:
YelloDraw · 07/12/2016 10:03

I am so confused with this post, so you invited a random man you met at a garden centre, to come to your home and work for you for free. Then see him again 6 months later and basically expect him to stay in his 'zone' and leave you alone?

^^THIS

TheNaze73 · 07/12/2016 10:06

I agree with liberty You have proper boundary issues.

What a total non issue. This sounds like the opening plot of a porn film from 1981

shovetheholly · 07/12/2016 10:07

I think he probably didn't know whether to greet you as a friend or a customer, because you had already quite consciously blurred those boundaries. I would assume that working for someone for free, especially on backbreaking work like gardening, qualifies you as a friend.

Memoires · 07/12/2016 10:08

I can understand why you took him up on his offer to help with your garden - I'd love someone to help with mine!

it's unlikely you'll ever get to the bottom of his action, unless you befriend him, which you won't presumably.

Forget it. He could just have been grateful, you have no idea the effect an interlude of gardening may have had on his life.

littlesallyracket · 07/12/2016 10:09

He came to your house and did hours of work for you for nothing, as a favour, and you then took him to a cafe. It's not unreasonable for him to assume that you are, if not an actual friend, then certainly someone he has more of a connection with than a customer in the garden centre. He isn't just 'the man in the garden centre', he's someone who came to your house, spent a day there working for nothing and went to a café with you for a chat.

I'm not keen on people other than family hugging/kissing me, so I probably would have tensed up, but it really doesn't sound like there's anything creepy about it. He told you he lives with his girlfriend and some people are much more tactile than others in a friendly way.

If he's confused about boundaries, then I think you are too, really.

Serialweightwatcher · 07/12/2016 10:09

Firstly, I don't think I would ever let some stranger do a job for me without taking payment - it's very odd that he'd be willing to do that without him thinking something may develop - you must have had a vibe that he fancied you when he was so enthusiastic about helping out for nothing .... also, he now knows where you live and if he gets obsessed with you, he could come round. I'd keep well away if I were you because he's obviously smitten (hence the free help and the kisses)

user1471461436 · 07/12/2016 10:10

I just think he really liked you and thought you had made a connection which you didnt reciprocate - it doesnt sound malicious - he got the wrong end of the stick. Maybe he felt friendlier than usual as its nearly christmas?

Wookiecookies · 07/12/2016 10:10

I once had a recently divorced friend who started a new job, she was always excessively flirty around men (but pretended she wasnt). Anyway, there was a guy there who started showing an interest which made her feel awkward. Against our better advice she weirdly decided to go out with him in his car on a lunch break and he apparently licked the doors and made a pass at her. She explained she wasnt interested, but apparently he didnt take it very well. He then started sending her innapropriate emails at work which myself and BF suggested she should report to her boss.
Fast forward 6 months and they were both applying for the same internal job position and she came to us saying that he had offered to come to her home to help her with her presentation for free and she was considering it and letting him stay over? WTF? My BF (best friend) and I were not impressed as you can imagine.

My point with the above story, is she had severe boundary issues and was sending out mixed bloody messages all over the place. You have to take some personal responsibility for how you act with people around you and the messages you send out, if you do not want them to misunderstand your intentions. That not withstanding obviously forcing a kiss on someone or locking them in a car is totally innapropriate.

The above friend I described did stupid things like this on multiple occasions and eventually after constantly advising her against giving out mixed messages, we got fed up and moved on from the friendship.

Its not you is it OP? Grin

Wookiecookies · 07/12/2016 10:12

Locked... not licked! Grin

PosiePaRumPaPaPumParker · 07/12/2016 10:16

Hmmmm.

You probably shouldn't have let him work in your garden, but it's all a bit weird.

I think you have to avoid the place. People genuinely don't do things for free, payment always happens somehow. And by people I mean men.

PleaseNotTrump · 07/12/2016 10:18

Is this a plot for a not very good book?

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 07/12/2016 10:21

I'm with Wookie and Worra. You treated him as a friend when it suited you - getting him to help with your garden, taking him out for lunch, chatting to him all day; and then have expected him to ask like a distant shop member when you're back in the shop six months later.

He probably does think you're friends; he's unlikely to have suspected that you were tolerating his presence when he was doing unpaid labour and wanted to pretend you didn't know him afterwards.

shovetheholly · 07/12/2016 10:22

"This sounds like the opening plot of a porn film from 1981"

This made me laugh. Grin

ScarletForYa · 07/12/2016 10:23

I wouldn't have accepted his offer to work for free, no way. That was using. I know you offered to pay but why didn't you just hire someone in the normal way?

Costacoffeeplease · 07/12/2016 10:26

Poor bloke, I feel a bit sorry for him

TakeItFromMe · 07/12/2016 10:26

Is he French?

NavyandWhite · 07/12/2016 10:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WorraLiberty · 07/12/2016 10:28

I must admit, it does sound a bit 'Desperate Housewives of B&Q' Xmas Grin

WorraLiberty · 07/12/2016 10:30

Oh, Navy's obviously far more classy than me Xmas Blush

Yes, I meant Lady Chatterley's.

Bloody auto correct!

NavyandWhite · 07/12/2016 10:31

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midsomermurderess · 07/12/2016 10:33

I don't think I'd have gone back there after the work he did and the lunch. I'd have bee worried it would be awkward and that he would think I was seeking him out.

dailymaillazyjournos · 07/12/2016 10:34

My gay interior designer gives proper kisses when he greets me. I think it's because he knows my interior inside and out, so we are way past the air kiss stage.

NavyandWhite · 07/12/2016 10:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WorraLiberty · 07/12/2016 10:37

To be honest, once you've had your long handled loppers in someone's bush, it's hard to know where the boundaries lie...

RedBullBlood · 07/12/2016 10:38

I would be embarrassed to have someone work free for me. And did you go to the posh cafe all sweaty and mucky from the gardening?