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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel let down by my friend

135 replies

TheLaundryLady · 06/12/2016 22:59

Background - been best friends since we were pregnant with our DC now aged 10. DC good friends. I often have her DC at our house at short notice and overnight and for weekends when she wants to go out. Also have her dog regularly overnight. All of this is rarely reciprocated which is a bug bare of DH's. She's been a single parent since marriage split 3 years ago and I have fully supported her as friends do.

It's mine and DH's wedding anniversary on 11th December and he had arranged for BF to have DC aged 10 and our dog Saturday and Sunday so that we could have some time away. Younger DC 6 is going to DM (she couldn't manage both DC and dog).

He arranged this over 3 months ago and booked hotel etc - fast forward to tonight she has had an argument with her boyfriend and is too upset to have DC and dog at the weekend.

MIL died last week after a short illness with cancer and she knows difficult it has been for both DH and I - we were really looking forward to having one night away and I'm gutted - AIBU to feel really angry at her right now ?

OP posts:
Original poster
TheLaundryLady · 08/12/2016 07:38

Thank you all, yes she desperately wants me to say it's ok don't worry , make her feel better but that's not going to happen.

I haven't responded to her last message or to her mum but I am taking on board all of your suggestions. One thing if for sure , the friendship is over.

The ironic thing is that I have her DC more than her own mum who is always far too busy. Maybe that's why her mum is panicking - she'll have to do more now that she's burnt her bridges with me

'Friend' also knows how close I was to MIL and how devastated DH and I are at losing her as are DC and in the week since she died all conversations between us have been about her relationship problems..
and now I'm thinking about it apart from an initial 'I'm sorry to her about MIL' she's not once asked if we are ok, how DH is.

MIL, FIL and SIL all live 60 miles away from us and we've been back and forth everyday between school times sorting out funeral arrangements and supporting them. We're both exhausted and can't be bothered with friends behaviour as well

OP posts:
NoSunNoMoon · 08/12/2016 07:43

Stay firm. The emotional blackmail has already begun.

Bestthingever · 08/12/2016 07:46

I think the 'no thanks' reply is perfect.

Somersetlady · 08/12/2016 07:50

It may not seem like ot now but when you have your weekend away with DH and someone else has the children you'll look back and be grateful there was a trigger to get this woman out of your life!

Sorry for your loss and enjoy your lunch.

Bluntness100 · 08/12/2016 07:56

I agree just ignore her now, she's going to try to worm her way back in simply so you can baby sit for her the next time she wants to go on a night out. What's she done to you and the kids is appalling, simple human kindness would mean if you made this commitment and you knew people had plans like yours on the back of it, you'd do everything in your power to do it. It seems she just doesn't want to look after them or put herself out for you, so has used this as a convenient excuse and screwed you over. She probably never intended to have them and now she's worried you won't have hers, and I really hope you don't, as it will set the tone for the rest of the relationship and she'll just keep using you.

The kids can be friends, but no more sleepovers. Sad, but she did it, not you,

Original poster
TheLaundryLady · 08/12/2016 08:08

I don't fall for emotional blackmail anymore - DM is the queen of emotional blackmail and I became immune years ago

OP posts:
Olddear · 08/12/2016 08:09

I would completely ignore her and her mother. totally blank them.

PoppyFleur · 08/12/2016 08:10

Appalling behaviour from a friend but I wouldn't respond to any messages. You have emotionally endured enough recently, you do not need to expend energy on this woman.

She will appreciate just how kind a friend you have been when you are no longer their to support her through her many dramas.

OliviaStabler · 08/12/2016 08:14

I don't think you should reply at all. Silence is a very powerful message. If you engage, she will simply try and 'make things right' and start telling you how 'hard things are for her' etc. Cut her off and walk away.

londonrach · 08/12/2016 08:17

The classy grown up thing is not to reply to any messages. Next time she asks re dc or dog a simple no to any requests. Mentally id back away from her. Shes no friend. Enjoy your lunch. Sorry about your mil xx

FetchezLaVache · 08/12/2016 08:45

Just ignore her. Let it sink in that she's shot the golden goose.

rollonthesummer · 08/12/2016 08:52

Do you think she is likely to ask you for help with the kids/dogs soon?

How does she normally ask? Text/phone or face to face?

Roussette · 08/12/2016 08:57

I think silence too. Imagine what she'll be thinking and her mum too... wondering why you haven't replied and then it dawning on her that she's shot herself in the foot...

It really pisses me off that there's people out there that think all they have to do is send a text saying... sorry I'll do it in a couple of weeks... and it'll all be alright! It won't!!

Original poster
TheLaundryLady · 08/12/2016 08:57

I have decided not to respond.

As it's coming up to school holidays I think she is very likely to ask soon so I'm expecting a text. Unfortunately I will be permanently unavailable

OP posts:
Roussette · 08/12/2016 08:58

I think that's wise laundry. It's hard to get the words exactly right and silence is a powerful tool and gives the message far more powerfully

KatharinaRosalie · 08/12/2016 09:01

I know this is a really stupid and childish idea, but I would be so tempted to reply that you have broken your nail and you therefore feel unable to cope

starskey80 · 08/12/2016 09:02

What a selfish selfish cowbag.
Silence is best here, I'd love to see her fave when she realises she's no free babysitter for xmas hols.

starskey80 · 08/12/2016 09:03

Face

Original poster
TheLaundryLady · 08/12/2016 09:03

Katharina GrinGrin

OP posts:
londonrach · 08/12/2016 09:06

Please update us when she asks op x

ISpeakJive · 08/12/2016 09:15

Yes, please do OP.

HaveNoSocks · 08/12/2016 09:21

YANBU. What difference would it even make to her, if anything it would keep her DC occupied. Could you offer to send your DV over with a dinner for the whole family and a DVD for the kids to watch? Anyway she sounds flaky and selfish.

QueenofallIsee · 08/12/2016 09:26

I am so sorry that your friend is so rubbish, I think we have all been there at least once. You are doing the right thing, she really wants you to tell her that its OK when she KNOWs that she has done a shitty thing. That is basically because she has no respect for you. More fool her I say

SelfCleaningVagina · 08/12/2016 14:56

This is a particularly shitty are narcissistic thing to do given that your lovely MIL has just died - talk about turn all the attention and 'woe is me' back onto herself.

If it wasn't bad enough that she's let you down over the plans for your anniversary, she's managed to completely ignore the fact that you and DH are very recently bereaved by making it all about her and how shit she feels. Hmm

HouseworkIsASin10 · 08/12/2016 15:27

What a bitch. Do not reply ever. She has totally burnt her bridges.

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