To find being a working mother exhausting

[Mammylamb]

Back at work from mat leave. Working 30 hours over 4 days and just finding it bloody exhausting! Son is knackered when we get home and he cries until asleep. Then wakes up during the night keeping us all awake. With work, housework and childcare I'm finding the whole thing knackering (even with DH who pulls his weight). Feel guilty for putting son at childminders, , guilty for being a half assed wife / dog mama/ daughter / friend / sister/ employee . I absolutely adore my son and so glad we have him. But wow, this is hard. I can't be the only one???? Do most mums feel like this? How the hell do single mothers manage? Any tips for how you manage would be appreciated!!!

I find it difficult too and it didn't get easier here. Non sleeping child morphs into teenager that needs lots of help with homework. They don't go to bed early then either!
I found it doable for me on less days a week.

you are not alone. Ds1 is 4 and still wakes up once a night with night terrors. i work 40+ hours plus in high stress job with longish (london) commute (min 1 hour each way). husband and i share chores, but he is not healthy, so lots ends up on me (not his fault!). pregnant with ds2, and so looking forward to 6 months holiday!
can't afford a cleaner, and ds1 was a high need velcro baby and is now a very sensitive preschooler ( he wakes up at 3 in the morning crying about something that happened days ago), so there is no time for me ever.... it is hard, but tgey are only little once!
planning helps, clothes and food are prepared for the whole week during weekend etc!

I always tell fellow mums at work that it takes about a year to get used to being st work. Doesn't get any easier but you find a routine and your baby is usually sleeping better.

Both of mine were dreadful sleepers. Horrific. Work was a nightmare as I'd sit at my desk in a zombie state.

I've got an insane commute so after 4 years of working post my second dc I'm looking for a closer job.

With exercise I run st the weekend when DH can take the dcs. I do short routines with kettle bells in the evening on a week day (say, 20 mins twice a week) or run at lunch. But I only had energy for this after my youngest was about 18 months.

Go easy on yourself OP. Can your DH go four days? Can you work more flexible hours?

We had a cleaner when we could afford it - not in the first few years as no spare money (childcare in the first year of baby 1 was exactly 50% of each of our net pay - we earned exactly the same that year although I earned 10x more than my other half eventually). No specific exercise except I cycled to the tube station every day.

Accept it will bke hard for a few years. Once they turn about 4 or 5 it really is a lot easier and I don't agree teenagers are difficult. I've had 3 and have my last two at home now and it is absolutely easy compared to having two babies.

At once stage we hired a local sixth former for Sunday mornings so either one of us could work or be with the older children or just sit in a room reading the newspaper and the toddler twins adored that because they got this besotted lovely girl who gave them 100% attention for 4 hours. I would not have done it with the first 3 chidlren 1. because we could not afford it and 2. because I thought I should be with them all weekend but in fact it worked really well and as we each earned at weekends more than we paid her it wasn't even a net loss and it also could mean we could drive older children to their weekend stuff or just feel less divided between 5 children.

Most of all don't accept any sexism. Men have arms ergo then can do anythnig women can do. Also don't be in charge of stuff and give men jobs. Each have your own specific jobs which mean you don't haev to think about the other person's eg I didn't do washing for about 3 years at one point and their father did it, thought about it, dealt with it. Just split the tasks fairly in terms of time.

I have also found learned helplessness works very well on the domestic front too.....all the children cook for themselves for example now and they will go to university some of the best cooks there because I don't often cook for them. I am more than happy to have their father or them nominated as much better than I am at all kinds of jobs from stacking dishwashers to hanging out washing. I am happy to reserve my competences for work stuff (and never feel unhappy if someone at home says they are better than I am at something domestic).

Too much for me- I jacked in my career. Not the answer you want OP. But just to show an alternative.

Absolutely not the fault of feminism I agree, it's a system is not built for parents and favours men.

But I wasn't prepared to rage at the machine.
The early years of childhood go by in a blink.
Jumping off the career bandwagon opened my eyes to so many life options that are possible.
I jacked in my job and we downsized and moved to a cheaper area so I could stay at home. I don't regret the decision for a second.

So I'm going to go back 9-4, 4 days a week, working one day from home. 1 hr commute door to door.

Is this a terrible idea?

I'm terrified now after reading this thread!!

Sorry Mindtrope I disagree completely for at least 3 reasons

1. Children, but especially girls need to see their parents working, exhibiting a work ethic, but also getting satisfaction and enjoyment from working 2)Think of the future, how old are your dcs ? Mine are 10 and 12 I know 2 women with degrees who are cleaning for the minimum wage as they have had 10 years of not working. Also pensions, also what if your relationship failed ?
2. The money, not now but in the future teenagers are expensive, care homes even more so . Toddlers and early primary years are cheap, cheap, cheap in comparison. Think of the childcare as an Investment. When I had 2 under 5 I saw £500 pcm ( ft hospital dr) after expenses and childcare. Now it's £4000.

stillwish- you miss the point..

Firstly it is no bad role model for children to see caring for others as a worthwhile task. It is a very important job in our society and much undervalued.

Secondly, it was giving up my career that allowed me a paradigm shift to explore my options.
I haven't resumed my career and it has been 19 years since I jacked in my job.

I started earning some money working from home when my youngest was 10 months old, this has continued over the years, usually with two or three different income streams on the go at any one time, all working from home, all part time, none connected to my previous career. When the kids started school I was able to put more time and energy into making money.
Now 19 years later I still work part time, I earn more than my OH who has a good full time job, I have a healthy pension pot, good savings.

Taking that leap to jack in work would never have found me in such a position.

I have several good friends who also made that jump and are in similar fortunate positions.

This doomcasting is not helpful and vastly underestimates the resourcefulness and adapability of women.

That sounds great Mindtrope, more of a career change than "jacking it in" though. I don't know how typical your situation is. The women I know who "didn't go back" have not been so successful and as a rule have no savings, pension etc in their own name. One good friend has to ask her husband before buying the dcs new clothes !!!. In 2007 when I met her we had similar disposable incomes, eg not much but enough. Now she feels like she can't give her dcs what they need. There has been a cost to her mental health as well.

One good friend has to ask her husband before buying the dcs new clothes !!!.

But that's to do with having a shit partner.

It wasn't a career change- I still don't have a career, it was a true leap of faith.

Not if there is no money Mindtrope. She isn't asking "will you let me" she is asking "if I buy this, can we still eat ?"

It is tough. I find I have to let some things slide so the house usually stays messy til the weekend and we have quick easy dinners on work nights! When your son starts sleeping it will feel better, everything's so much harder with sleep deprivation! I'm doing 3 days and find it a good balance - would you consider cutting your hours?

Mountsinhighchair Your hours sound like a dream to me! Sounds entirely more manageable than many of us on here.

Haven't rtft but I've actually found it so much harder since DTDs started school. They're now in yr 1 and I've been spread way too thinly and feel completely burnt out. I'm currently looking for local part time work or the holy grail of working from home.

Mammylamb- yes it is tough making that adjustment but it will get easier. You say you were home for a year and have only been back 4 months so it's early days. Looking at my younger colleagues who have taken extended ML, the time taken to settle into it does seem proportionate to the time off, which I guess is logical. Around 12 months is more likely to be a peak in separation anxiety too so don't be surprised if it takes longer for your child to settle in childcare too. (While I'd never want the right to extended ML to disappear, I do genuinely think that one advantage of the 3 month ML we had back in the day was that I never felt out of the loop with working and it was perhaps easier to slot back into routine)

Do whatever you can to make the practical things easier- organise everything possible the night before because getting out early can be tricky, get a cleaner, batch cook etc

Divide jobs up, take turns with night wakings (sympathies - it's really tough with a poor sleeper so arrange things so that you and your dh get a decent sleep alternate nights)

Like everything this difficult phase will pass, and you'll have hung onto your career which has massive long term benefits.

Put it this way: when we had our first baby I needed to go back to work financially (early 90s, high mortgage rates etc) but if someone had offered me a wodge of money I could easily have been tempted to jack in my job because frankly staying at home would have been easier, particularly in those early months with night waking and still breast feeding.
But a few months in, realising i was coping fine, felt like the best of both worlds- I was working several days a week like you and also experiencing the joys of parenting. So much so that when we had 2 more dc and i could have afforded to stay at home (in fact as childcare cost the same as my salary we would have been just as well off with me not working) I chose to continue in my career. This was all 20 plus years ago. Staying in work enabled me to progress quite quickly once the children were in school and I stepped back up to full time work. I always say having children was my best decision ever and hanging onto my career was the next best one.

Thanks everyone. Not been ghosting the thread; just had lots of chores to catch up on and then my son decided that he would scream til mum or dad took him to bed with them!!!

Really glad to know that this isn't just me feeling this way! That helps a lot.

Will look at getting a cleaner too; a lot of folk on the thread have mentioned this and my MIL also recommended this; she worked when the kids were young too. My own mum will be horrified at me getting a cleaner; but she was a stay at home mum who really couldn't have wasted any money.

Now as for exercise, I walk the dog every second day for a mile or two (husband does this alternate days). She used to get 3 / 4 miles walk every evening and a quick play in the park so she is feeling it!

DH is feeling the strain every bit as much as I do. We really do everything fairly; but don't tot up exactly what we do against each other; that needs too much energy.

We were together 14 years before baby, and argued less than a handful of times. Since baby was born we argue almost every week. Not nasty arguing; just irritable with each other as we are both tired.

And we all keep getting viruses since DS started childminders; since August I have had about 6 bouts of illness (nowt serious) and DS has a
permanent snotty nose; think this is contributing to the overall tiredness !

Mindtrope said "Firstly it is no bad role model for children to see caring for others as a worthwhile task".

I think you'll find that working parents still care for others; their children and in some cases older relatives. It's just not correct to assume that children of working mums are not exposed to 'caring' or the value of caring.

My eldest child is 7. As yet all the mums I know that jacked in their jobs haven't gone back to anything at all. They haven't started their own businesses or become entrepreneurial. They have just let their previous careers decay; be they tax consultants, solicitors, speech therapists, sales executives, bankers, project managers. Their choice and I respect it but in most cases women lose a career and do not go on to greater things from an earning or employment perspective.

Respect to you for managing it and stating that it's possible, I'm just not convinced how likely or realistic it is for most women.

I empathise with you all. My DC is 4 and I've been back at work since they were 6 months old. I thought things would get easier after finishing my nursing degree in July but I'm completely spent. Haven't had more than 6 hours sleep a night since March. DC doesn't sleep well, I spent half of last night cramped in a toddler bed. Last week I had a melt down, crying saying "I just can't do this anymore". I've been told it gets easier, but I've been waiting 4 years so far

No, yanbu. I find it exhausting too. I do 36 hours over three days (straight) which is hard going (especially on the middle day) and it takes me a full day on the Wednesday to recover. If my dh wasn't so lovely and let me sleep in on my first morning off I don't know how I would cope. I have two kids 2 and 5 who are hard work at the best of times, still wake up in the night ect. So no, yanbu, it is bloody hard work.

mind it's great for you that it has worked out.

I too changed tack when I had DC and things have worked very well financially.

But all the evidence shows that this is highly uncommon. Asking women to ignore the evidence before them is very patronising.

I'm finding it really tough. I'm a working single mum to an almost 2 year old. I'm permanently exhausted! I feel like a half shit parent and a half shit employee.

Just in relation to a few comnents; I don't think that people who choose to be SAHPs should be made to feel bad about their decisions. I'm sure they weighed up all the pros and cons and it wasn't a decision made lightly. Some families can't afford the childcare to actually go to work. I do agree they are in a vulnerable position not working but they do have the freedom of choice (with the exception of abuse).

betty you're not shit. You're a freaking superhero. Never ever forget that.

Ahh thank you Alabastard

Mindtrope

What do you do to earn then? It could be useful for others to know.

I work 30 hours over 5 days, on an annualised hours contract, it means I'm in work Mon - Fri and I don't get a "day off" without DD but it also means I work 08:30 - 2:30 (not everyday, but most days) and I can also build up some extra hours for when I need an afternoon off to catch up on cleaning or to go to an appointment.

It works for me as a single parent with no one else doing school picks ups etc. It's also easier now DD is older and can walk home and can walk to her GPs when I finish late.

Working over 4 longer days is more popular where I work but I prefer 5 shorter days.