To find being a working mother exhausting

[Mammylamb]

Back at work from mat leave. Working 30 hours over 4 days and just finding it bloody exhausting! Son is knackered when we get home and he cries until asleep. Then wakes up during the night keeping us all awake. With work, housework and childcare I'm finding the whole thing knackering (even with DH who pulls his weight). Feel guilty for putting son at childminders, , guilty for being a half assed wife / dog mama/ daughter / friend / sister/ employee . I absolutely adore my son and so glad we have him. But wow, this is hard. I can't be the only one???? Do most mums feel like this? How the hell do single mothers manage? Any tips for how you manage would be appreciated!!!

YANBU it is totally crazy, a 24 hr job and I don't feel its sustainable long term. Feminism hasn't really done us any favours.... having it all means doing it all IMO

Just to echo pps, it really does get easier. If someone had said that to me 6 years ago when I went back FT after first mat leave I would not have believed them. 2 more kids and a higher pressured job and it's actually easier I guess because it just becomes your new normal.

Hmm. Reading this has made me think. Am due back 30 hours with a 12 month old and a 4 year old. Was considering doing a PT Masters, on the basis I would have managed when DD was 3. But maybe it's a bad plan.

The year 1-2 was hard, wasn't it! But from 2 it got markedly better, if I remember.

It does get better honestly. Mine are 16 and 15 now and it's easing off a bit....:o

Joking apart, it's just a lot of change for everyone at the moment and you will all get into a routine and it'll settle down a lot.

I hate doing the " in my day" however I had to return to full time work when my son was 3 months old and later when my daughter was 4 months as that was all the Mat Leave we had. My then husband worked off- shore and my nearest relative ( Mum) was 100 miles away and of the "you've made your bed ......." mentality. I just had to get on with it. House had a permanent layer of dust but children were fed and loved . It was very tough but I survived and found it really hard to be overly sympathetic when my daughter returned to work after a year 's Mat Leave. Babies are exhausting but a bit of organisation and a slow cooker work wonders .

Yes you're tired because it is tiring, especially when your sleep is disrupted. I left the house at 6.20 and I'm on the train home now but won't be home for a while yet. And my DS needs new shoes so on my day off tomorrow I can't just stay in my pyjamas and will have to go to a bastarding shopping centre with a toddler close to bloody Christmas.

Feminism hasn't really done us any favours

You really think this is the fault of feminism???

I would lay the blame at an inhuman capitalist system to start with and with ourselves who sat back on our laurels and assumed that the fight had been won, to go on with.

I remember feeling just like you when my 3 were little. I am a single parent who has always had to juggle work, school/nursery/childminder, cooking, housework (?) etc etc etc. I quickly realised that a vaguely untidy house wasn't the end of the world, I learned to batch cook and freeze dinners,only ironed something if really necessary, got my food shopping ordered online and delivered ( a real godsend) and prioritised time with my family above everything else at the weekends - because it is all precious time together which we cannot replace. We all managed - my kids are all teenagers now - 2 of which are adults - and they look back with real happiness and don't care one jot about whether the house looked tidy etc or not (neither did their friends). It was exhausting at the start - but somehow it all fits into place once you realise what it really important. Enjoy family life and don't be too hard on yourself .

Ahhhh remember those times! I went back to work 30hrs a week like you also! My DC1 was only 6 months old (pre 2007 maternity), I returned to work with my baby still waking umpteen times a night and..... expecting DC2. I returned to work again when DC1 was 21months and DC2 months. Hard, hard times however I. The scheme of things it's such a short period of life- things will feel normal- albeit a new normal soon enough!

Spa Day?

DC2 6 months old!

I empathise OP. I never stop (well, I do, but not for long). I just feel like I'm traipsing from one task to the next...cooking, cleaning, babying, working. It's mentally draining more than anything else.

Sunday was my only day with both DH and DS together, and I had to clean for most of the dadyjnzf8evxrp2.cloudfront.net/creative-assets/4356/1/btn_url.pngy.

YANBU
It totally sucks- I am FT WOHM and since DC try to do good enough (not 'perfect') work at work, batch cook ahead at home etc.

I find that the 'time economies' I need to make, means I do all the planning for my team at work ( and then they get to 'shine' eg at evening events and look committed while I am actually more productive but tucking up DC at home by then..).

Also thinking ahead about everything at home means I do a lot of the planning at home, which annoys the crap out of me. DH works even longer hours so not much help. I have saved time by cutting out my free time and my social life, which is utterly shit. I need to find a better way soon because it is v depressing and exhausting.

But midlife you're wrong about feminism doing us no favours. I haven't got the energy to argue the point fully right now but basically capitalism is what you should be pissed off with not feminists

It does get better over time - I felt it took at least 4 months tog et back my 'work stamina'.

And you really must make sure your DP does his fair share. Is he saying that being a working father is exhausting? If not why not? If it really is that you just tire more easily, could he take on some extra chores at home temporarily until you are up to speed again?

Also ensure you're eating properly and failing that, a good B vitamin supplement - really helped me with lethargy/constant tiredness.

when i was working FT with 3 young kids and a husband away from home i was so jealous of all the SAHMs who stood around chatting whilst i seemed to race from one thing to the next. Now, I'm really pleased that i carried on with my career - i will have a good pension, and i know that if my husband and i split (which fingers crossed isn't going to happen) i could support my family and i. there are down sides to everything as well as positives. definately worth reading the housekeeping thread and timesaving techniques.

Soz, don't know why I posted a weird link in there that doesn't even work. :S

Am following with interest for tips and advice.

My tip is online grocery shopping. Takes a little while to set up at first but once you have all your regular items in your 'favourites' list so you can just through and click on what you need, it's so much quicker. And immeasurably less hassle than grocery shopping with a toddler.

X post Atenco

YA absolutely NBU - I have a 15 month old and work four days a week, and it is bloody exhausting. I would agree with previous posters that a cleaner helps; we have one who comes every two weeks and just helps me keep on top of the kitchen and bathroom. It also helps if your DH/DP does his fair share.

I totally hear you on the guilt as well. You constantly feel like you're dropping the ball in one or more aspects of your life, and that no one is getting the best of you. I don't really have any advice other than you're not alone!

It's really tough OP. I'm full time (50 ish hours a week) with a 2.5 year old.

He's a good sleeper, DH very involved, we have a lot of support from both sets of grandparents.

I hate it, wish I didn't have to do it.

You are not alone!!! I know exactly how you feel. I have dd 6 and ds 2 and work full time, 35 hours over 5 days. Family look after the children which is a massive plus. I have no time for anything but survival! I'm told it will get easier, you just have to plough in through. You are doing an amazing job.. don't feel like you are along xx

I have five DCs and have been working since DC1 was 6 months old.

Nope...I am not going to tell you I managed it so you should.

Because it almost bloody killed me working full time. I hated it.
I went part time as soon as I could and dread ever going back full time.

I remember those long days when DD was 6 mths. Getting up at 6 and taking her to the CM then going to work, picking her up and getting home just in time for her to eat and go to bed then starting it all over again the next day.

It does get easier as they get bigger but they have to be quite a lot bigger for it to be much easier.

Being organised won't make you less tired but it will help you function when you are knackered. Encouraging independence in your DC helps. Nothing major but getting them to dress themselves as young as possible (easy to put on stuff), cooking in advance and cleaning as you go. Anything to avoid those awful moments when you are totally exhausted but are looking at pile of clothes to put away or have to try and think what to cook.

I have just finished for maternity leave for DC3 and am barely functioning after having worked FT plus doing professional exams for fucking years. DD1 is 6 and DD2 is 3 and it is really really really hard going even with a flexible job, a DH who works at home 3 days a week and who does tons and tons of childcare (more than 50%) and very slovenly domestic habits. There is no way I am going back FT after this mat leave - very much looking forward to doing 3 days a week and having 2 DCs in full time school. The only thing I am really dreading is school holidays with 3 kids... I think that might actually be worse than FT work!!

Just checking in as I have no magic answers.

Single mum, DCs are 12 and 10.
Work between 34.5-46 hour weeks doing shifts. On a work day (3 or 4 days per week) I'm out for 15 hours. Don't always get a break or even time to pee. Add in insomnia and I'm permanently shattered.

Isn't being a parent the best thing ever

Its tough, im single parent working 3 days a week, my youngest is 3.5 and it DOES get a bit easier!
Appliances are my friend, I chuck things in the tumble dryer and fold/hang them as soon as they get out to minimize ironing, I pay my mum to do an hour of 'essential' ironing once a week, that is a lifesaver !!
Dishwasher as well and slow cooker and air fryer, all labour/time saving gadgets.
House can generally be a bit untidy but I try not to stress about it (too much).
Sleep deprivation is really the hardest thing ever, especially when they are teething, just repeat 'this too shall pass'.
I'm still constantly always in a rush, dashing to childminder, nursery, grabbing essential shopping but I guess thats a lot of peoples lives.