To find being a working mother exhausting

[Mammylamb]

Back at work from mat leave. Working 30 hours over 4 days and just finding it bloody exhausting! Son is knackered when we get home and he cries until asleep. Then wakes up during the night keeping us all awake. With work, housework and childcare I'm finding the whole thing knackering (even with DH who pulls his weight). Feel guilty for putting son at childminders, , guilty for being a half assed wife / dog mama/ daughter / friend / sister/ employee . I absolutely adore my son and so glad we have him. But wow, this is hard. I can't be the only one???? Do most mums feel like this? How the hell do single mothers manage? Any tips for how you manage would be appreciated!!!

I don't mean this to sound spiteful or bitter or anything, but just try and be grateful that you do have a DH at home who you can share the load with. Try to look at what you have got.

Until they're no longer there, its difficult to grasp just how invaluable that support is. Practically, financially, emotionally, everything.

My DS is up at 4.30 every day without fail and several times in the night. I don't have anyone else to share the wakings or early mornings. I still have to get us both ready and out of the house for work and nursery at 7.30. No help with nursery run, food shopping, cleaning, laundry, cooking, washing up, DIY, homework, bath time, bed time, tantrums......the list goes on.

What I'm trying to say is try and think about some of the ways in which you are fortunate to take the edge off your stress.

This probably makes no sense. I'm tired

A branch of feminism yes - I make no apologies for saying that (and I am a feminist). The idea that women can be a superwoman and have it all is bollocks. There is always a human cost. And yes, capitalism too has a part to play. But sometimes capitalism and gender politics are hard to disentangle.

Yes you absolutely need a cleaner and a good one! Some of them even change bedding. Ours doesn't but is brilliant at cleaning. I've found it hard too altho luckily mind is a good sleeper. I find it more difficult that by the time he's been wrestled into bed and asleep I'm usually too knackered to do anything but veg out. Here are some things that help. We love our grub and menu plan for the week ahead, usually on a Saturday so we can get in an online order for delivery on a Sunday, we so,etimes menu plan two weeks ahead. In any week we usually have an 'easy' meal e.g. Fish cakes, oven chips and peas, or tortellini, salad and garlic bread. Then we have a ready meal one night a week, the Charlie Bingham ones are brill and worth every penny. The rest is made up of cooking fresh in the evening or getting something we've cooked earlier and frozen e.g. Pulled pork, beef stew, curry etc. I do a massive load of laundry on Sunday and then again on Wednesday night. The stuff that tends to slip are things like going onto energy comparison sites and changing suppliers/boooking appointments, talking to the bank about our mortgage. Wish I could get better at that!

I did my MSc when DCs were young and I was working FT. It was easier because I was stuck in at night on my own because they went to bed early. I think if I'd had a partner it would not have been manageable.

I tried to do another MSc when they were teens and I was seeing someone (no live -in partner). That was bloody hard!

I do think being a LP did have the upside in that I could set my own timetable and my own expectations. If the house was a mess the kids didn't care and I was the only adult who saw it.

I kinda like working. I only do 3 days though and only go in the office 1 day. Could you work at home at all?

Def get a cleaner. It really makes me a lot happier having a cleaner!

I am in the same boat. Full time over 4 days, long commute, non sleeping kids. It's really hard, skint due to childcare costs at the moment too and all really run down and tired.

It's fucking relentless.

I keep telling myself that it will get better. Online shopping really helps and will have a cleaner again when the nursery funding kicks in next year; we had one until DS was 3 and it made all the difference to my sanity.

I've been back at work 6 or 7 weeks (I've already lost track!) and have a non-sleeping 10 month old ds who is miserable every evening after coming back from the childminder. He wakes 5 or 6 times a night on average, clings to me and/or screams literally from hometime until bedtime and takes up to 2 hours to feed to sleep. Overall I'm not finding it too stressful despite my 3 hour total commute and shit job but I have to admit to sometimes feeling a bit down about coming home, then feel guilty about that! Love my son and wouldn't change anything but it's hard knowing how tough the evening will be every single day (I also work through lunches so there's no respite).

DH lost his job a couple of weeks ago and it's made everything simultaneously loads more stressful but also loads easier as we've been able to share more childminder and household chores (not previously possible with his shift hours).

It does get better. I work 4 days with a 1 year old and an 3.5 year old and there's a big difference between the two of them with how they cope on seeing me again after a full day of nursery, wind down to bedtime, etc. I keep things super simple and don't try to do too much during the week. Don't care too much if the house is a tip from Tues-Thurs (the days we both work) Routine/organized to a T, so it all becomes second nature. I'm very firm about work-life balance when it comes to my job too.

The fact you're getting broken sleep makes it all 10x worse (had that with #1). What have you tried to get him sleeping better? Apologies in advance if you've tried it all/ don't want to try it all, but the sleep boards on here are very good.

Yanbu. I work full time and have an almost 5 year old. It's got a bit better gradually but I am pretty much shattered by Wednesday of each week.

Agree with SharpLily & others, being a working Mum is bullshit, and will add Merde, Kak, Crap! Used to work part time on weekends, and DH has always worked Mon-Fri, leaves at 5.30-arrives home 4pm. I found breast feeding while part time impossible (remember expressing breast milk in lunch break and until 12 am after late shift-awful) . I loved being home with my children during the week while they were young, but after years of not having weekends home with DH I started part time during week, and used child care, which was better (It helped that my DD and youngest DS were so much easier to leave in child care than older boys)
Now I work full time, leave at 8 am arrive home 6pm mon-Fri Really hating it at Christmas time! Dragging heels every day. Dreaming of a holiday. Luckily I go out for lunch with workmates every week, and can easily get to a shopping centre in my lunch break. Still, I have never got to that magical stage where I have everything running smoothly. Always chasing my tail. Getting my 17 year old DS, 15 y o DS, 12 y. o DS. and 10 y o DD to clean toilets, shower, etc, but so exhausting, and can't say they are enthusiastic

Need a cleaning roster- I think if I had any advice it would be "get thee a cleaning roster and start the little cherubs sticking to that cleaning roster (for simple tasks to begin), as soon as they are up from the crawling stage !" Don't do what I did and sporadically get the children on cleaning bees, then allow the mess to pile..... We love to dance to the radio as we clean (my oldest just rolls his eyes, but who cares, we just keep dancing). And of course a lovely cuppa tea and treats all round when cleaning finished -and get the children to wash & dry & put away own cups ...... Oh to be in that magical world where I never have to say once again "Could you wash your dishes/stack the dishwasher pleasssse"

I feel you OP. I work FT with a 20 month old, he wakes up at odd times but found co sleeping makes a huge difference if that's something you want to try? I get a cleaner fortnightly and have generally low expectations on the home front. It helps I enjoy working so find it much harder to manage housework.

I feel your pain and I hate it. Considering leaving work. I have a nearly 3yo and a 13mo.

Very tiring when they are young, ds's sleep patterns went to pot when he started nursery so we gave up and bought a Super King Size bed and brought him in with us and found he slept through with us there.

We also had to accept on work days there wasn't much time to do anything other than dinner, play in the bath and then bed for ds (and sometimes me too!)

You're not alone OP. It feels relentless.

I haven't read all the replies but just wanted to let you know that I felt exactly the same as you OP at a similar stage after returning to work.

I deployed the following to help:

• Made sure that my non-working day was truly non-working (i.e. no emails and phone calls). I needed that time to enjoy being a mother and chill out during afternoon naps.
• Batch cooked at the weekends but only for what we ate on the weekend, didn't want to be a slave to the kitchen, so made a big curry for saturday night (2 spare portions for the week), roast on sunday (meat for a stir fry/salad in the week), stew/pie/bolognese on Monday. Froze in old takeaway tubs so had something in 1 adult portion size for last minute emergency dinners on busy work nights.
• Made a deal with my boss that if I left 'early' at say 4.30pm to beat the traffic I'd catch up with any emails or last minute things in the evening for half hour or so. Only worked after a few months once trust was built up.
• Arranged to work from home 1 day every month to just blitz through work things and reduce the commuting burden (but also to allow a bit of putting the laundry on during my lunch break, being able to get to pick up early etc).

The biggest lightbulb moment came for us when my DD was about 2.5yrs. She suddenly enjoyed nursery, we all got settled into our routine and life got a lot easier. So much so I decided to increase my hours to full time. For us, it's a stretch too far and I think 4 days is the perfect balance, but my point is that by this time she was so settled that it all became very simple. It does get eaiser (although it's hell until you get there!)

Don't be afraid to ask for help when you need it. Do get online grocery shopping delivered on a Friday night so you don't waste valuable weekend time trapsing round Asda. Do be confident to say no - I cut down on extra work activities and had to learn to say no to after work networking and also built up trust with my clients who knew not to arrange meetings beyond 4.30pm so I could get home for pick up. I still got a promotion and client commendations for the brilliant job I did.

Most of all don't set yourself high standards. If all you achieve on work days is getting everyone to/from the right place at the right time wearing the right clothes you are doing a good job!

4.7yo and 2.4yo plus FT job (37.5hrs, 5 days per week) and two hours of daily commuting here, and I'm on the bones of my arse with exhaustion. Both of mine were still on 6++ wakes every night when I went back to work when they were 8mo, although are brilliant now - the day at work when DS1 had given me 15 wake-ups the preceding night was particularly memorable

I'm still waiting for it to get easier TBH, but then, I took myself to the doctor a few months ago when the fatigue and headaches were beyond bearable, and it turns out I have Addison's Disease, which I'm still signed off work with as the bugger just isn't stabilising.

Despite the shit of working FT with two DCs, I'm still desperate to get my life back. I really, really don't want my DSs to grow up with a sick SAHM. I definitely want them to have a positive working role model. Long-term, I also feel the short-term struggle of working full-time with two tiny children will also pay off. I hope.

When my eldest was a newborn I had to go back to work for 50hrs a week when he was 4 weeks old, had to take annual leave for our 6 week check. It was exhausting. Mat leave has improved loads and I have another two children these days. I don't iron unless critical, I can sort collars etc quickly with hair straighteners. Packed lunches follow the same format everyday and we plan weekends carefully. It does get easier - hang in there

I always worked full time including from when they were younger than 4 months and when we had 3 under 4. How did we cope? No sexism at home. Took it in turns to get home first. Both did as much housework as the other. Get to bed as early as you can. Breastfeed at night (much less work than bottles).

I had about an hour's commute each way but left work on time - not always easy and not always managed and worked roughly 9 - 5.30ish. We had a daily nanny coming to the house. Now my children are teenagers so it's really easy.

It gets better and they thank you for funding their costs, paying for their university, helping them buy a house much more than that you stayed at home earning nothing whilst changing a lot of nappies....

Earning a lot more than their father and getting promotions over the years helped too.

Full time working mother of 4 here. In my experience the only way working and having children is easier ( note I didn't say easy) is where you either have help or can afford to buy help. Otherwise your life will run at 110 miles per hour all day, every day. My 4 dd's are teens now and although they are independent life is still quite challenging and even though i have been lucky enough to afford childcare over the years I do not think my life will be without its challenges both financially and emotionally until all 4 are through university and living independently. I have a long way to go before that happens and in the meantime I live a very disciplined and ordered life where I place myself second. I don't mind but this is what motherhood often entails.

I've found the first year to be the toughest. End of this year I will be completing my first year back after DD2. It does get better, but the first few months are so tough. Also I found working 4 days to be really difficult. Too little down time and work expects nearly full time bandwidth! This time I've gone back 3 days & send DD2 to the childminder for 4 days. Saved my sanity, health, marriage & overall the whole family is sane. It does pinch financially but there's loads of time to work more & recover the money, rather keep my sanity for now.

Firstly YANBU it is tiring. If you have a dp he should be doing 50% of the drop offs/pick ups is he ? Is there any scope at all for flexing your hours so 7:30-3:30 with dp doing the morning ? or otherwise compressing them (I did 24 hours a week for a long time, but frequently did 2 long days rather than 3 short ones) to help with LO s tiredness, is he not sleeping well at his childcare ? Finally could they give him tea to save you cooking for him when you get in ?

Sympathies op. I also work 4 days. My tips:

Get a cleaner. This is crucial.

Ditto gardener if you have garden of decent size

If you think the above are too expensive then downgrade annual holiday to camping or a caravan. We did and it's well worth it.

Do all food shopping online with weekly mealplan

Make easy food and don't be too hard on yourself about giving kids fishfingers on regular basis. They'll be fine.

Get a tumble dryer. Saves time and effort.

I don't iron at all except school shirts - 15 mins on Sunday evening.

Get regular exercise, take vitamin supplements and eat lots of fruit. If you're healthy things are easier

Yes exercise, early nights and no wine mon- thurs

In addition to cleaner, gardener, online groceries and meal planning/batch cooking, I also use annual leave occasionally while the DCs are at nursery/school to specifically do a massive lot of batch cooking or catch up on the shit that just piles up. It means you spend less time doing jobs at the weekends, so don't cut into time with the DCs, and feeling slightly less like you're chasing your arse on a permanent basis. You can also get the jobs done at your own pace, without DCs hanging off you, interspersed with a bit of crap TV and staring at the wall for as long as you bloody want to!

To those saying exercise...when?!

I'm already up every day at 5:45am, or earlier if the DCs beat my alarm clock, and DS2 doesn't fall asleep until about 8:15pm (no chance of it happening earlier). By the time the DC-are-in-bed chores are done it's getting on for 8:45pm, by which time I'm incapable of doing anything but collapsing and trying to maintain something resembling a relationship with DH. Transforming part of my commute into a run/cycle would mean getting up even earlier and leaving my DCs in childcare even later than they already are which can't happen as they're there until almost closing as it is; and I get half an hour for lunch which is literally the sum-total of my social life these days, so I'm loathe to lose it to what would amount to a slightly pointless and miserable 15 minute run around a hospital car park since I'd have to factor in changing in/out of a uniform.

I'm sure some people have more hours in the day than others...