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Original poster

To be upset about Mum and husband in cahoots

105 replies

KittyCatty20 · 05/12/2016 11:57

So for a few days now DH has been saying 'it wouldn't surprise me if your brother asked whether his new gf could come for Christmas.' I've just laughed as we are now into Dec, we have never met her before and they've only been together three or four months. Anyway, the most recent time this was brought up was in IKEA on Saturday. I yet again laughed and said 'I don't know what makes you think that.' I was talking to dm this morning and happened to say that dh keeps mentioning it and she said 'well I think your db may ask.'

It turns out that dm told dh a few days ago that this may be the case but not me. Dm claims that it wasn't her place to ask me - however, it was obviously her place to tell my dh! And then when dh and I were in IKEA and he could have told me that he had that information to base it on - he didn't!

I feel like I've been made to look an idiot and on a practical level it's really pissed me off too as I would have bought an extra chair in IKEA and a smaller Christmas tree - if indeed she is coming. Dh claims he didn't want to cause me unnecessary stress (he was trying to 'look after me') in case db didn't ever call and ask me but out of these three situations I know which is the worst -

Db calls and asks with no warning and time for DH and I to consider our answer

Db calls and dh and I have had time to think about answer

Db doesn't call at all so no big deal

I feel as though I'm being made out to be some unstable nut job that needs 'managing '! We have had a bit of a stressful year but nothing really major. Just usual family life, house renovation etc I hate the fact that I was laughing about it as it seemed a bit far fetched for DH to think about it at all (he doesn't get heavily involved in Christmas full stop) and he knew all along that it was a distinct possibility. I just don't get why dm would tell dh but not her own daughter (who will actually have to deal with practicalities of having another person to Christmas!) Dh has apologised profusely but I just feel let down and made out to be a bit of a fool.

And then - I don't really want a complete stranger coming to Christmas! I wouldn't mind at all if they'd been together longer and we had met her a few times but we have never met her and nor have my parents! We have two dc and I was really looking forward to a relaxed 'in your pyjamas for breakfast/fall asleep in front of the fire' sort of Christmas. I just know I won't feel relaxed with a total stranger being here. We don't have a huge house either so we will be squashed into sitting room (even worse with Christmas tree - and of course we bought a fairly big one as I didn't know of any plans!) I just feel as though you should have at least met someone before them coming to your family Christmas. Then when Christmas comes around you are familiar with each other and no one is standing on ceremony. And you don't ask in December imo ( and not with someone we've never met!) We are still having a new kitchen finished and whole house in mess - just wanted that to be done and then feel I could relax.

Db will no doubt call me later and what can I say but yes? If he's with her for any length of time it will just make things awkward when we do meet her! I don't want to be rude and unfriendly but I really resent being put in this position.

Not well worded I'm afraid but grateful for opinions!

OP posts:
TheCatsBiscuits · 05/12/2016 12:01

... but surely the girlfriend will want to be with her own family at Christmas, not with her boyfriend of 3 or maybe 4 months, and his family, whom she's never met before? Confused

Allthewaves · 05/12/2016 12:06

The and then bit kind of explains why the have tip toed around u

TwitterQueen1 · 05/12/2016 12:07

You're making a mountain out of a molehill I think... And isn't Christmas a great time for your db to introduce gf into the mix?

baconandeggies · 05/12/2016 12:07

If she's that serious of a girlfriend that db would love to have her for christmas, then she won't be a stranger for long. If you love and get on with your db then in all likelihood she's fab. People have gotten married in less time. If you are hosting and say she isn't allowed then that's totally your choice but not really in the spirit of things.

Annoying for it all to be whispers. I wonder what your mother is basing her thoughts on.

baconandeggies · 05/12/2016 12:09

and if she is coming, don't stand on ceremony - she'll have to muck in.

DailyMailCrap · 05/12/2016 12:09

You're making a mountain out of a molehill. Your db wants to invite his girlfriend not some stranger off the street.

klassykringle · 05/12/2016 12:09

In the kindest possible way ... you seem to be reacting very strongly to what doesn't sound like a huge deal. Are you very anxious generally?

Why does it make you feel like a fool?

Would it really be the end of the world if another person squished in? (Assuming she even wants to?)

If so, why not kindly say to your brother it's too short notice but yes to next time/yes to coming over later in the day?

sirfredfredgeorge · 05/12/2016 12:12

I feel as though I'm being made out to be some unstable nut job that needs 'managing '!

You've made yourself out to be one with the post I'm afraid, not surprised they've tip-toed around you, but it's a shame...

Original poster
KittyCatty20 · 05/12/2016 12:13

Thecatsbiscuits She lives here but is from abut her country. Apparently her parents are 'away' and the friend she usually spends Christmas with has made it clear that it's not convenient this year. In IKEA I said that surely she would rather be with her own family and dh said that I'd mentioned her parents would be away. I'd said nothing of the sort and thought it was odd as I know nothing about her! Obviously dm told him that and he was getting it wrapped round his neck! If you're going to be all cloak and dagger with dm then at he needs to at least remember that I don't know Hmm I'm pretty sure she has loads of friends though so we can't be the only option. Db is very rarely in touch with me - he couldn't even be bothered to come to dc birthday party last year when I made a huge effort to have it in the garden. Feel aggrieved that he's only calling because he wants something. Last time we had any sort of regular contact on phone it was so I could counsel him through yet another relationship ending. To be fair he does seem happy with this one but who knows how long it will last.

OP posts:
baconandeggies · 05/12/2016 12:16

Poor girl.

Velvetdarkness · 05/12/2016 12:19

I'm autistic and this would bother me as its hard work being with people I don't know. So I can sympathise.

Sneakynamechage · 05/12/2016 12:19

You can still be lazy and wear your pyjamas and slob out. It's your DBs partner not the queen. Its not much of a deal, I'd pull my face if he said he wasn't bringing her and then Christmas Day showed up with her. But even then, there is always plenty of food floating around.

mydietstartsmonday · 05/12/2016 12:19

Well you could always phone your brother up and tell him she is welcome.....

I think you need to get over yourself a bit - & I mean that in the nicest way.

You made a huge effort for your dc not your db. Sounds like he is young free and sometimes single, so tbh he doesn't think about you and your dc.

klassykringle · 05/12/2016 12:20

Who exactly are you angry with?

Your husband for daring to listen to your mum?

Your mum for giving your husband a heads-up?

Your brother for not being in touch more?

The girlfriend for being a girlfriend?

I think you need to take your anger out on the right person.

Original poster
KittyCatty20 · 05/12/2016 12:21

I think I've probably come across the wrong way with my 'and then '. I really wouldn't mind if I'd met her before but we have had a stressful year and I just feel as though I need a Christmas with no added pressure. Of course if she comes I will do my utmost to make her feel welcome. Please don't read that as 'I will make her feel unwelcome!' I'm not a monster, just feeling a bit pissed off with dm and db and just wanted a Christmas where I could just totally chill (as much a possible!)

OP posts:
klassykringle · 05/12/2016 12:21

Posted too soon - if you're angry at your brother for not being in touch, why not arrange something just for the two of you to try and reconnect?

plimsolls · 05/12/2016 12:22

Oh dear. Your posts give the impression you could be quite hard work? I'm not surprised everyone is discussing how to broach it with you because it does seem as though you're quite highly strung about plans and how you want things to be.

I feel sorry for your brother's girlfriend by the way.

Is there any chance you could loosen up about this and realise that a very-slightly-different Christmas Day to the one you imagined would also be ok? And maybe forgive your brother for not attending your DCs garden party?

wowfudge · 05/12/2016 12:23

Oh heck - it's one more person, not a family of five. It sounds as though you need to be a bit more relaxed about things. Can you need just be welcoming to someone who would otherwise be on her own on Christmas Day. In fact, why don't you ring BIL and invite her?

Floggingmolly · 05/12/2016 12:23

I'd be surprised if either of them want to spend Christmas with you... Sounds like a right old stress fest.

plimsolls · 05/12/2016 12:23

And that "does seem happy with this one but who knows how long it will last" comes across as a bit snide.

Original poster
KittyCatty20 · 05/12/2016 12:24

I'm pissed off that my Mum told my husband and not me and that he then didn't tell me and kept bringing it up but not offering the information that he had which could have helped with practical things too!

OP posts:
wowfudge · 05/12/2016 12:24

DB not BIL.

wowfudge · 05/12/2016 12:26

It's nearly three weeks away - not tomorrow. Just tell DH you'd rather he'd been more upfront with you then just let it go.

SapphireStrange · 05/12/2016 12:27

I think you should relax and not worry about 'hosting' in any formal sense. Christmas should be all about being convivial and comfortable, and if that means you being in PJs and snoozing in front of the telly then that's fine!

If she has any manners she will muck in with whatever kind of Christmas you're having and not judge you on your Christmas hosting style. It will be much easier for her to relax, though, if you're relaxed and comfortable too.

Original poster
KittyCatty20 · 05/12/2016 12:28

Well I guess I asked for these sort of responses by posting here Confused I really am not a horrible person at all - I probably do need to relax more but find it hard sometimes. Sorry to have come across so badly.

OP posts:
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