To be upset about Mum and husband in cahoots

[KittyCatty20]

So for a few days now DH has been saying 'it wouldn't surprise me if your brother asked whether his new gf could come for Christmas.' I've just laughed as we are now into Dec, we have never met her before and they've only been together three or four months. Anyway, the most recent time this was brought up was in IKEA on Saturday. I yet again laughed and said 'I don't know what makes you think that.' I was talking to dm this morning and happened to say that dh keeps mentioning it and she said 'well I think your db may ask.'

It turns out that dm told dh a few days ago that this may be the case but not me. Dm claims that it wasn't her place to ask me - however, it was obviously her place to tell my dh! And then when dh and I were in IKEA and he could have told me that he had that information to base it on - he didn't!

I feel like I've been made to look an idiot and on a practical level it's really pissed me off too as I would have bought an extra chair in IKEA and a smaller Christmas tree - if indeed she is coming. Dh claims he didn't want to cause me unnecessary stress (he was trying to 'look after me') in case db didn't ever call and ask me but out of these three situations I know which is the worst -

Db calls and asks with no warning and time for DH and I to consider our answer

Db calls and dh and I have had time to think about answer

Db doesn't call at all so no big deal

I feel as though I'm being made out to be some unstable nut job that needs 'managing '! We have had a bit of a stressful year but nothing really major. Just usual family life, house renovation etc I hate the fact that I was laughing about it as it seemed a bit far fetched for DH to think about it at all (he doesn't get heavily involved in Christmas full stop) and he knew all along that it was a distinct possibility. I just don't get why dm would tell dh but not her own daughter (who will actually have to deal with practicalities of having another person to Christmas!) Dh has apologised profusely but I just feel let down and made out to be a bit of a fool.

And then - I don't really want a complete stranger coming to Christmas! I wouldn't mind at all if they'd been together longer and we had met her a few times but we have never met her and nor have my parents! We have two dc and I was really looking forward to a relaxed 'in your pyjamas for breakfast/fall asleep in front of the fire' sort of Christmas. I just know I won't feel relaxed with a total stranger being here. We don't have a huge house either so we will be squashed into sitting room (even worse with Christmas tree - and of course we bought a fairly big one as I didn't know of any plans!) I just feel as though you should have at least met someone before them coming to your family Christmas. Then when Christmas comes around you are familiar with each other and no one is standing on ceremony. And you don't ask in December imo ( and not with someone we've never met!) We are still having a new kitchen finished and whole house in mess - just wanted that to be done and then feel I could relax.

Db will no doubt call me later and what can I say but yes? If he's with her for any length of time it will just make things awkward when we do meet her! I don't want to be rude and unfriendly but I really resent being put in this position.

Not well worded I'm afraid but grateful for opinions!

Hahah, if it was me (and I was as annoyed as you) I'd tell DB when he phones 'sorry there isn't room here (at yours) with the kitchen repairs etc. You are going to ask DM if you can go there.'

I would be pissed right off that DM whispers with other family members behind my back about something which I am doing for the family.

If you have DCs I would let it go, but if you don't be bloodyminded and arsey - they won't pussyfoot the next time. They will fall over themselves with gratitude for your Xmas invite next year.

But you won't do that as you want everyone to like you. I on the other hand want everyone to respect me. I also have selfish DBs who expect the world to revolve around them

Kitty, 'I have to do everything'

Well, there we have it. That's why I was asking. If you have to do everything, no wonder you're stressing. WHY do you have to do everything? Where is your DH in the run-up to Christmas and over the day/period itself? Would you perhaps feel more relaxed if it was a joint effort between you and him? (as it should be).

Steff - he says he was trying to look after me by not causing stress with something that may not even happen. TBH I think it's the fact that my dh knew he had reason to keep bringing it up but didn't tell me that gets me. I just think as my dh he should have said and then we could have thought about it together. I think more has been made of my comments below then I intended. I'm just being honest about my feelings. I wouldn't share those feelings with db - I'll just say 'yes of course' and be welcoming.

For the record dh did tell my dm that he felt Christmas Day wasn't the best time meet her as it's such a frantic day as it is.

I'm sure you are a nice person, however, if you are coming across as this stressy/stressed to your DH & Mum, then it's no surprise they're trying to 'manage' you 💐 It's your house, it's your brothers girlfriend, so it isn't your Mum's place to ask, plus your Mum & DH probably know how you feel, so don't want to be the ones to tell you/ask because they then take the risk of having to tell your brother 'No' whereas they know if he asks you'll say 'Yes'

I totally understand why you are hurt/annoyed/ pissed off. I'd feel the same too. But I also see their point of view.

If I were you I'd take the view that she's either going be family or she's not. A laid back, PJ type of Christmas isn't going to make that or break that and she might as well get used to the 'real' family as be presented with the 'show family'. Same with your DD, if there's an explanation you're happy to give to explain her behaviour, if not, don't worry about it. It's your daughter & your house!

It's natural her & your brother want to spend Christmas together, especially when she doesn't have prior commitments . If your brother has to sit on the floor, under the tree, then that's his problem for leaving it so late to ask you

Oldestmuma that's lovely advice, thank you

Your DB needs to ask him yourself. You either say yes she can come or no she can't. Jesus Christ you need help

Its really not a big deal. Its 1 extra person. You're making a big deal out of nothing

I would be really annoyed by this.

Why is your brother not asking you directly, or hinting, since you are the one who would be hosting?

Why does nobody have the courtesy to let you know asap that your brother is planning to bring someone to your house for Christmas? The fact your mum told your husband but not you, and then your husband didn't tell you, is very weird indeed. And it's rude, albeit not as weird as your brother telling your mum but not you.

It's another person to plan and cook for. Maybe that's not a great big ask, but it still takes work.

I wouldn't be annoyed as being asked 3 weeks before Christmas. I would be VERY annoyed at being asked some time after everyone knew this could be happening...or not even asked at all but just told. Sorry, is your brother 15?

Call your DB and ask him. If the GF is coming, tell your DH or DM to go to IKEA for the extra chair, since they "knew".

Oh, and I would text or phone your brother immediately saying, "I've just heard a rumour you might be bringing your GF here for Christmas. She's very welcome, but please could you let me know asap."

Make him bloody say it. FFS.

It's called the season of goodwill. The girlfriend will likely be feeling more apprehensive about coming to your house than you are about her.
We have to meet my BIL (much younger) new girlfriend next weekend and I intend to sit next to her and make her feel welcome.
You are still within your rights to tear your OH a new one for keeping you out of the loop. He should know better.

You are welcome kitty. My brothers are prattish from time to time so I do understand. Just give him a ring and tell what you want to happen. If you decide you can manage the gf then tell your brother to bring a large bottle of gin with him as well as all the makings for a lot of cocktails! Oh, and a large box of very expensive chocolates.

Well it's safe to say there are two pools of thought

KlassyKringle I do feel a bit better now, thanks. I'm rather mortified I've come across so badly to a lot of people. I'm the kindest person normally and do anything for anyone (which can sometimes feel rather doormatty) so I feel I've probably let myself down here.

I am much more annoyed about the cloak and dagger situation with dm and dh than prospect of gf coming to Christmas. I wouldn't have reacted like this if they had just said at the time! Db should have phoned me on day he asked my Mum. And no, he's not 15, he's 30!

I will try to chill out a bit and just go with the flow....

I can see why you feel stressed after a stressy year. Hope things improve. X
The trouble with being at the 'family' stage of life, I've found, is that it just never stops. Children need things or have developmental issues, work goes mad, someone is made redundant, you all get ill, an elderly relative suddenly needs care, a pet dies... quite simply you never get to plan a quiet event that goes exactly as you want it! Every year is a stressy year!

I would just lean in, embrace it, love what is, let go of the need to be perfect or do the ideal. Do the thing that helps the most of you and creates the most warmth. I think you know you probably need to welcome the new gf and your anger is just you coming to terms with the new reality!

Btw if your bro is all "you're lucky to see me I'm so busy" that's a very pre-family, young adult attitude. He's still pulling away from his parents. He'll probably change.

Tho if he's 30 it's taking a while!

I understand where you're coming from. By dropping these hints your husband and mum probably think they are gently managing the situation, but all the comments are no bloody use since you are no further forward.

You've got a couple of options- you could just tell your mum and husband they must be mistaken as brother hasn't asked , so that your mum can do a bit more scurrying back and forth with messages.

Alternatively, you could call your brother to confirm his arrival, check what he's bringing to dinner etc- this will give him a way in to ask you. He can always bring an extra chair from his house. And you can warn him in advance that it'll be a relaxed , informal Christmas due to ongoing renovations.

Thanks Eggyface - I know you are right (about me and db!) I'll do my best to embrace the changes.

I think 'chill and go with the flow' seems to be definatley the best way forwards OP. You seem like a nice lady who will extend goodwill to all men and women

Remember, if she DOES come, she will feel more uncomfortable (initially) than you, as it is in your home, surrounded by your family whilst she is very much the outsider trying to make a future with your brother

Be kind, its only xmas, be a great day to meet her

What about contacting your DB and seeing if you can meet up for a drink with him and his GF before Christmas?

I think the main issue is why the fuck didn't either your dm or dh just bloody tell you!

I think they sound a weird bunch... your brother hinting to your mum, your mum hinting to your husband and then your husband hinting to you.

I'd be highly irritated by this.

Refuse to discuss this any further with your rather strange husband and mother, Any more hinting simply tell them "well until he speaks to me himself to ask, I'll assume she's not coming".

Decide your cut off date and if your brother has called and asked by then, say "great, she's more than welcome. Can you guys bring dessert/cheeseboard/wine, and we'll probably need an extra dining chair so stick one in your car and bring it with you".

My db never keeps in contact but I'm as bad so it works both ways...he is busy with work, I'm busy with work/children - but Christmas is the perfect time to reconnect and meet the gf, I think! Send dh to buy another chair, all bunch up at the table and give everyone including the gf some jobs to do on the day. I've been the gf (now dw), although admittedly I had met dh's family beforehand, who spent Christmas with them as family live abroad and they made me feel very welcome - we've been together 12 years and have two children - this may well happen for your db and his gf so don't start off on bad footing.

we all have bad days Kitty, and tone never comes across well. If it helps, the very long nature of the OP made it seem you weren't dealing with things very well, rather than you being a "bad" person or something.

I hope you all have a lovely Christmas together and if you do meet the new gf, that she's a nice addition to the day.

(Oh and it's AIBU, so brace yourself for a long period of people still reacting to your OP. It always happens and if it gets you down, just hide the thread!)

We have had a bit of a stressful year but nothing really major.

we have had a stressful year and I just feel as though I need a Christmas with no added pressure

You do sound a bit difficult to manage OP. Sorry. I can see why they did it.

As annoying as it is....

Oh and just to add, as someone that was the girlfriend that first met all the family at a big Sunday dinner gathering...

I felt much more part of things by being welcomed with a bear hug, having a glass of fizz thrust into one hand, a knife in the other, and being told to start chopping carrots