To be upset about Mum and husband in cahoots

[KittyCatty20]

So for a few days now DH has been saying 'it wouldn't surprise me if your brother asked whether his new gf could come for Christmas.' I've just laughed as we are now into Dec, we have never met her before and they've only been together three or four months. Anyway, the most recent time this was brought up was in IKEA on Saturday. I yet again laughed and said 'I don't know what makes you think that.' I was talking to dm this morning and happened to say that dh keeps mentioning it and she said 'well I think your db may ask.'

It turns out that dm told dh a few days ago that this may be the case but not me. Dm claims that it wasn't her place to ask me - however, it was obviously her place to tell my dh! And then when dh and I were in IKEA and he could have told me that he had that information to base it on - he didn't!

I feel like I've been made to look an idiot and on a practical level it's really pissed me off too as I would have bought an extra chair in IKEA and a smaller Christmas tree - if indeed she is coming. Dh claims he didn't want to cause me unnecessary stress (he was trying to 'look after me') in case db didn't ever call and ask me but out of these three situations I know which is the worst -

Db calls and asks with no warning and time for DH and I to consider our answer

Db calls and dh and I have had time to think about answer

Db doesn't call at all so no big deal

I feel as though I'm being made out to be some unstable nut job that needs 'managing '! We have had a bit of a stressful year but nothing really major. Just usual family life, house renovation etc I hate the fact that I was laughing about it as it seemed a bit far fetched for DH to think about it at all (he doesn't get heavily involved in Christmas full stop) and he knew all along that it was a distinct possibility. I just don't get why dm would tell dh but not her own daughter (who will actually have to deal with practicalities of having another person to Christmas!) Dh has apologised profusely but I just feel let down and made out to be a bit of a fool.

And then - I don't really want a complete stranger coming to Christmas! I wouldn't mind at all if they'd been together longer and we had met her a few times but we have never met her and nor have my parents! We have two dc and I was really looking forward to a relaxed 'in your pyjamas for breakfast/fall asleep in front of the fire' sort of Christmas. I just know I won't feel relaxed with a total stranger being here. We don't have a huge house either so we will be squashed into sitting room (even worse with Christmas tree - and of course we bought a fairly big one as I didn't know of any plans!) I just feel as though you should have at least met someone before them coming to your family Christmas. Then when Christmas comes around you are familiar with each other and no one is standing on ceremony. And you don't ask in December imo ( and not with someone we've never met!) We are still having a new kitchen finished and whole house in mess - just wanted that to be done and then feel I could relax.

Db will no doubt call me later and what can I say but yes? If he's with her for any length of time it will just make things awkward when we do meet her! I don't want to be rude and unfriendly but I really resent being put in this position.

Not well worded I'm afraid but grateful for opinions!

I think you're totally overreacting, you seem to think you have to put on a show but you don't need to change your plans. Have a nice relaxing day, It will be enough to welcome her into your home. He could be with her for a long time so it would be lovely to start off right! You sound very anxious about something that doesn't need this much worry.

But you're actually cross with your db for not being in touch and asking already aren't you?

I mean, the others are just trying to say "heads up, he might be bringing someone, not sure though".

Or is it a long term thing with your mum always taking his side or babying him or something??

maybe he did not 'offer the info' because he knew it would make you start stressing out?
Anyway, chill, it is only one extra person. maybe she doesn't have anywhere else to go? Honestly some people don't have lovely families like yours.

here's a bright idea...

PHONE YOUR BROTHER AND ASK HIM!

If it was a whole extra family you were potentially having to accommodate I could understand the "not a big house, could have bought a smaller tree" hand wringing, but one extra person I really can't. She's not going to take up that much room.

I'll gladly admit I wouldn't be hugely pleased about not being able to relax as much, I'm in this situation this year as my brother is bringing his partner, which changes the dynamic a bit. But it's a minor thing, and it makes him happy. It doesn't require managing, I'm not having to change plans (apart from getting dressed a bit earlier). I think either there's more to thia than you're letting on, or maybe you do come across as someone who needs managing slightly?

I wouldn't have anyone I haven't met before for Christmas day. I would have no hesitation in saying no if he asked.
If he really wanted her included in the family he should make it his business to INTRODUCE her to the family, Christmas day is not the day to do it!
As for your dm and dh? Is it possible that your mum knows you would be less than keen so she is hoping that telling your husband he will feel obliged to persuade you?

You are over-reacting.

Please be welcoming.

She is your DB's girlfriend, without family this holiday season, and it's Christmas.

It's one extra person, and your brother obviously cares about her.

What if, for whatever reason down the line, one of your children was invited to a girlfriend/boyfriend's home for Christmas as circumstances meant they didn't really have a better option that year, and one of the parent's was grumbling and not happy about it. ... wouldn't you want your child to be welcomed by the family? Please be that family now.

Tbh the only person I'd be annoyed with would be the dh.
Not having much to do with xmas in this house would mean not being included, everyone helps out and organises stuff at Christmas and should never be down to one person to organise.
Saying that, it's a day, just like any other.

Klassykringle No, no issue with db apart from he sometimes makes me feel as though we should all be incredibly grateful for whatever time he is able to give us. Can feel a bit one sided in terms of keeping in touch. He can be lovely though and I'm sure his gf is. I'd have just appreciated meeting her beforehand. I'm not the world's most relaxed hostess anyway I suppose and dd has some behavioural issues which can make any type of gathering quite hard work ( this sometimes adds to stress.)

My first thought was that you're unnecessarily tying yourself in knots about this, but I'm thinking that the real problem is that, instead of your db contacting you directly and making a simple request, everyone else. Including him, is making a mountain out of a molehill and leaving you feeling rather put out that they all seem to think that YOU might be the one who creates the drama, while also succeeding in putting the pressure on so that you no longer feel like you have a choice, anyhow.

I'd be tempted to turn it around and ask why the need for all the cloak and dagger. He's asking if he can bring a +1 for Christmas day, not whether he can raffle off your firstborn!

I'm not the world's most relaxed hostess anyway I suppose and dd has some behavioural issues which can make any type of gathering quite hard work

Does your DH do his share of hosting and looking after your DD? If not then he needs to.

I'm sorry OP but you do sound a little precious.. please phone your brother and ask him. As PP have mentioned, if he's a good guy then he's probably chosen someone that will fit right in anyway! And it's only one extra. Christmas is all about that anyway isn't it? It would be sad if she had to spend it all alone with no family or friends.
Buy a couple more spuds and carrots and hope she brings a bottle of wine!

Where is the pressure? I think you're being dramatic, unwelcoming and a bit ridiculous.

Why not invite her? She says yes or no and you know how many chairs you need.

I will of course be welcoming. I have to say yes anyway so I will do it without bad feeling (pinky promise) and I will make her feel welcome. I know what you mean about being 'that family'. Of course we will be. I just feel more comfortable when I've met someone at least once before.

Please don't say unkind things about me. If you knew me as a person you would see that it's not coming from a place of malice.

I can kind of see by your posts why everyone is tip toeing around the subject, it sounds like everyone is too scared to ask you as they are worried what your reaction will be.

I'm pissed off that my Mum told my husband and not me and that he then didn't tell me and kept bringing it up but not offering the information

But, he doesn't really have any information, does he? I mean, the fact that your brother may ask if his gf can come to Christmas isn't really information. Did you ask him why he didn't tell you?

I think this is wishful thinking on behalf of the DB. He may not even have asked the gf what she's doing yet!

If this was me, I would call DB myself and ask him outright what's this you hear about a GF coming for Christmas to your house? See what he says, it might just be for the day which might be manageable, but if you are short of beds say that you can't accommodate any more guests overnight. Say that it might be haphazard as the kitchen isn't finished yet. Tell him he'll have to bring an extra chair as you won't have enough otherwise, that she'll have to take what is on offer food wise as you put the orders in last month and you don't want to cook for special diets as you'll be pressed to do Christmas lunch as it is. I would say, it would have been much better if he had asked you upfront weeks back about this, as the main planner of Christmas in your household. You would love to meet the GF at some point, but is Christmas the most suitable time, would she not want to be with her family?

I get you OP.
When/if DB calls then say what you want to happen, such as: meeting her before Christmas / what time you are inviting them for / what time should they leave / what about presents (are you getting presents for adults, if so roughly how much to spend, she won't know otherwise)

I hope you have a nice time.

I totally get why you're pissed off. I found out last night that my sister sent a sum of money to dh while I was in hospital in September. The dprick never told me.
My sister has since stopped talking to me and I couldn't figure out why and mentioned it to him on numerous occasions, desperately wracking my brains with him for reasons for this unprecedented cutting me off.
To say I went nuclear last night is an understatement.
The fucking deceit hurts so badly.

Sapphire yes dh is very hands on with dd. He is a great Dad. We went to see a psychologist this year as we have had years of these problems with dd and it was tearing us apart as a family. We also moved hundreds of miles away from where we used to live so all my support network of friends disappeared. Not saying this is only reason for stressful year but it has contributed. It's the lead up to Christmas I dress as I have to do everything (like many MNetters!) and I'm just knackered by Christmas.

I'm not precious but I know it may come across that way.

I can see where you are coming from and think that the person you should be cross with is your mum. Why didn't she just ask you? Still, you are where you are so here's what I'd do (for what its worth).
Phone brother and ask him not to bring gf (if you don't want an extra guest) or ask him if she wants to come, (if you do want another guest)
Phone mum and say in future just ask me please
Kiss husband and forgive him.

Make cup of tea and put feet up for ten minutes because you sound like you are run off your feet and could do with a bit of a rest.

Have a lovely Christmas.

I'm sure you're a lovely person, and will be very welcoming, but in this context it's one extra person and shouldn't really be such a big deal. Maybe you can see why everyone tip toed round you, because your reaction is quite extreme. I'm sorry, but you seem to be massively over thinking and overly stressing about one other person joining you. For most of us that wouldn't really be anything more than a little foot note to set an extra place.

Call your brother and extend an invite to her. Then at least you know either way and can plan accordingly.

I think people seem to be making some unfair judgements here - the OP hasn't flat out refused to welcome this woman; she just wanted a heads up and is annoyed that her DM and DH are being so weird and secretive about it all. Nothing in her posts suggests she is dramatic or 'difficult', so I don't understand the responses. And I'm sure I'm not the only Mumsnetter (despite claims to the contrary) who feel a tad discombobulated by having a stranger in my house on Christmas Day.

Sorry it's been such a shit year for you Are you feeling a bit better now that the anger's wearing off a bit?

Can you send him a text sometime today asking about his plans?