To be upset about Mum and husband in cahoots

[KittyCatty20]

So for a few days now DH has been saying 'it wouldn't surprise me if your brother asked whether his new gf could come for Christmas.' I've just laughed as we are now into Dec, we have never met her before and they've only been together three or four months. Anyway, the most recent time this was brought up was in IKEA on Saturday. I yet again laughed and said 'I don't know what makes you think that.' I was talking to dm this morning and happened to say that dh keeps mentioning it and she said 'well I think your db may ask.'

It turns out that dm told dh a few days ago that this may be the case but not me. Dm claims that it wasn't her place to ask me - however, it was obviously her place to tell my dh! And then when dh and I were in IKEA and he could have told me that he had that information to base it on - he didn't!

I feel like I've been made to look an idiot and on a practical level it's really pissed me off too as I would have bought an extra chair in IKEA and a smaller Christmas tree - if indeed she is coming. Dh claims he didn't want to cause me unnecessary stress (he was trying to 'look after me') in case db didn't ever call and ask me but out of these three situations I know which is the worst -

Db calls and asks with no warning and time for DH and I to consider our answer

Db calls and dh and I have had time to think about answer

Db doesn't call at all so no big deal

I feel as though I'm being made out to be some unstable nut job that needs 'managing '! We have had a bit of a stressful year but nothing really major. Just usual family life, house renovation etc I hate the fact that I was laughing about it as it seemed a bit far fetched for DH to think about it at all (he doesn't get heavily involved in Christmas full stop) and he knew all along that it was a distinct possibility. I just don't get why dm would tell dh but not her own daughter (who will actually have to deal with practicalities of having another person to Christmas!) Dh has apologised profusely but I just feel let down and made out to be a bit of a fool.

And then - I don't really want a complete stranger coming to Christmas! I wouldn't mind at all if they'd been together longer and we had met her a few times but we have never met her and nor have my parents! We have two dc and I was really looking forward to a relaxed 'in your pyjamas for breakfast/fall asleep in front of the fire' sort of Christmas. I just know I won't feel relaxed with a total stranger being here. We don't have a huge house either so we will be squashed into sitting room (even worse with Christmas tree - and of course we bought a fairly big one as I didn't know of any plans!) I just feel as though you should have at least met someone before them coming to your family Christmas. Then when Christmas comes around you are familiar with each other and no one is standing on ceremony. And you don't ask in December imo ( and not with someone we've never met!) We are still having a new kitchen finished and whole house in mess - just wanted that to be done and then feel I could relax.

Db will no doubt call me later and what can I say but yes? If he's with her for any length of time it will just make things awkward when we do meet her! I don't want to be rude and unfriendly but I really resent being put in this position.

Not well worded I'm afraid but grateful for opinions!

Just call your brother, ask him if he'd like you to invite his girlfriend for Christmas.
He will say yes please, no thank you, or let me ask her
You say OK or fine, could you let me know by the weekend?
You all have a nice day at Christmas.

Just decide that you're going to be the grown-up and take the path that makes it the easiest to smooth for everyone (including yourself)

I like their style chickrock

Well I'm with the OP on this one. If DB wants to bring someone to Christmas then he needs to be introducing her first & actually checking with you that it's ok (and accepting if its not). I'd be stressed out about it (with me it's autism & the need to be in control of my life (not everyone else's, just mine), with you it's part your daughter and possibly partly just the way you are, especially if you're stuck having to do all the organising.
If you don't want her (assuming your DB finally asks) then you are perfectly at liberty to say no, you don't want guests (at short notice, which you know it will be) that you've never met before - it's a stressful time for you and you just want to be able to relax on the day. He might take offence and refuse to come - such is life. His problem.
If you think you could put up with her then your best bet is to ring him and ask him so you know either way (and feel free to communicate that he should have got in touch if he does want her there!). Not knowing is worse than knowing in this situation.
I hope that you get a nice restful Christmas in the end

By 'nothing really major' - I mean, no one has died/has a terminal illness. We have had plenty of stress that has taken its toll but nothing that is irreversible. I know people who are facing much bigger problems - I was just saying that we have had some issues this year and perhaps that's why I would like to minimise stress over Christmas.

I don't need managing though. I manage myself and most things fine most of the time.

Really appreciate all the words of wisdom - even if some are hard to hear

Having a stressful year makes a person 'difficult'?

have you spoken to your brother? how do you know if HE's even coming for Christmas? maybe they will have a grown-up xmas themselves?

If however he is definitely coming then all this guessing if he's going to ask his gf or not is daft... but it's not really your dm or dh to blame - they're just guessing about what db might do, and tbh if you're quite stressy (which it sounds like you are) then i can see why they might not want to add to the stress with something that might not even happen and isn't really their responsibility to bring up... the person who needs to get in touch one way or another is your brother!

tbh my brother is totally crap at all forms of social / family arrangement. but in this case i wouldn't let him away with it - i'd call and say that if he's thinking of bringing a guest he needs to ask NOW if that's convenient and in fact he should have asked weeks ago.

also, if you want a chilling out in PJs xmas morning you could always ask db and gf to arrive later on in time for the meal - they'd probably be happy with a lie in and apparently single people get to have morning sex

Some of the replies are a bit mean. It is mostly Mums who plan and organise Christmas and mostly Mums who get all stressed and end up completely exhausted. I plan everything with military precision and I can feel very stressed in the lead up to Christmas but on the day, you would never know, the table is set, the log fire is roaring and the Christmas Carols are playing, food is fabulous, good time had by all. Secretly i would love a pyjama day just the two us, throw house renovations into the mix and i can understand the stresses. Some of us just like to know how many we are catering for and plan accordingly. It doesn't make the OP a nut job!

I'm with you Op.

Brother has asked your mum who has hinted to your husband who has hinted to you!

WTF didn't your mum just tell your brother to ask you directly as you are hosting?

Also, if she does come, use it as a chance to get your brother to help-he'll be wanting to impress, won't he?

TBF I think it's not so much that a stranger is coming to Christmas but the way her mother and husband had manipulated her and chatted about things behind her back. Bollock your husband and talk to your mum - you're a grown up who can put in big girl pants.

The essential details are that you'll be cramped in the house. No biggie - we did that a lot as children for big christmas'. How long are they talking? A couple of days or more? And make it clear that everyone kicks in and doesn't expect you to do the donkeys work

Reading your thread I can understand why you're upset but I think in reality you're making excuses about chairs and space etc when in reality the issue is that having someone who isn't immediately family (at least to you) for xmas will make everything super stressful. It sounds like your brother can be a bit of a diva with family gatherings and isn't being very understanding which I can understand.

My DS is a tricky customer sometimes too and I would also feel stressed about having to manage him on a busy day in front of someone who is a stranger to me. I'd also feel a bit manipulated by my mum and husband.

Ultimately though if your DB wants his GF to come for xmas, having her is probably the right thing to do. You should probably just call him and ask outright. You should also ask people to help out. Assign people jobs e.g. someone can be in charge of the pudding, someone can bring a few side dishes etc.

I agree some replies have been harsh - I can understand where you're coming from, OP. That said - I'd just call and invite her on a "take us as you find us" basis. If it does end up as a permanent relationship (and she becomes your SIL) you'll have set off on a great foot having been kind and welcoming.

I'm bemused why didn't your brother pick up the phone and ask you directly?

Phoning DB and asking is your GF coming over for Christmas - is probably best way forward then you can plan - and adjust your expectation for Christmas day. I know I feel better when I feel more in control of the situation.

Or ring him and say no can't have GF this year it's too much though you could next year or at some future date and would love to meet her- can't your and GF have a quiet Christmas together.

Ask everyone else to talk directly to you as all this cloak and dagger stuff is too stressful for you.

I think your DH was pussy-footing around trying to judge how you'd react if DB asked; and because your initial responses weren't positive, he decided it wasn't worth upsetting you for something that never happens.
If you're happy to have her, then call your brother and invite them both. Tell him he has to let you know by xx date.
If you're worried about her upsetting your schedule and your relaxing time then either invite them to join you later (as a PP said). Or send a schedule for the day - make it like a fun welcoming invite or add a drawing by the DC - but make it clear there will be pj time, etc.
I do understand why you're annoyed but I think your DH and DM were coming from a place of caring. Your DB otoh seems a tad inconsiderate of the effort hosting Christmas can involve

something that might never happen

you and GF have a quiet Christmas together

I meant that - it might be they want to have a quiet Christmas together - I know we did years before we got one.

Talking to DB directly would be best all round - maybe he feels roped in by your mother to big family Christmas or maybe he feel this is the best way of introducing his girlfriend to the family - you won't know till you talk to him.

I don't get what the size of the Christmas tree has to do with any of it?

YANBU. Some posters have been a bit snippy about you personally, OP, when clearly you are under stress at an already stressful time of year. IMO it would be bad manners to be asked to invite the GF at this stage and YANBU to be annoyed with DM and DH for messing about trying to make this happen behind your back.

Say no, and if you use the word sorry I shall be very cross with you.

Big tree. Less space.

If it's such a size as to prevent one more person squeezing into the house, then it was too big already.

I'm now imagining everyone sitting under the branches of the most humungous tree, pushing branches and baubles out of their faces...

OP, no-one cares about chairs, big trees, little trees, napkins etc.... It's Christmas. You're allowed to just chill and take it as it comes. Nothing is ever perfect.

Goddammit op. You can't even get the blooming tree right! No wonder you can't be allowed to make decisions about the number of guests!

Unless the tree is in the kitchen in the exact space a single chair would fit, I still Dail to see the relevance.

dail fail

I'd he annoyed at all the faffing about and is she/isn't she coming.

Judging the size of your Christmas tree by whether you'll have an extra guest or not is a bit ott though.