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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being over optimistic to think this is doable?

310 replies

Whatallama · 05/12/2016 09:21

My husband and I have been invited to a family wedding about 3 hours away from where we live. It's not immediate family, but I'd like to go if at all possible. It's my husbands side of the family, not that it makes much difference.

The problem is that I'm pregnant with our first, and this wedding is on the due date. My husband thinks we'd be nuts to go, but I think it may be doable. If the baby comes before, chances are we wouldn't make it, but if I'm still pregnant, there's no complications, and I still feel ok, then I'm thinking we could do it.

Obviously, we'd have to take everything with us in the car, in case I went into labour there (we'd probably stay the night of the wedding), so all the baby things, car seat, my stuff, maternity notes etc.

Ideally I'd like to just see how we're doing, but I'm not sure that's fair on the bride and groom, because they may well be wasting money on us.

It's still 6 months away, and they don't even know that I'm pregnant yet, but we'll need to chat things through with them.

I know many people will think I'm nuts for even considering this, but if I'm well, AIBU to think that with proper planning, its possible?

OP posts:
Original poster
Whatallama · 05/12/2016 10:42

I know plenty of people that have taken the view that life doesn't stop just because they are having a baby, and they seem to be the ones that actually manage to balance life and children the best.

It's my first baby, but I'm several years behind most of my friends who have children, and life really doesn't stop. It changes drastically, but I'm going to continue to approach things with a 'let's do it' attitude, because it can be done.

I'm also planning a group holiday with friends for when I'm 8 months pregnant. It's now going to be in the uk, rather than abroad.

This wedding may well be a no though because it's potentially very unfair on the couple. We'll have a chat with them nearer the time.

OP posts:
mouldycheesefan · 05/12/2016 10:44

I had my babies ten years ago and even then we were told not to travel with new born in a car seat for more than 30 mins, it's not a new thing.

First babies are often late but by month nine you are very tired and usually have other complications even if it's just swollen anckles,

Trifleorbust · 05/12/2016 10:44

Well, I salute your positive attitude! Just bear in mind that it's your first pregnancy so you may find it different to your expectations. But there is no reason life shouldn't go on as normal if you are feeling well. CakeBrew

Trifleorbust · 05/12/2016 10:46

mouldycheesefan: Not tempting fate here but I'm 33 YO and at 39 weeks haven't had a single complication - normal everything, including my ankles Grin Some people just don't. I am l, however, fairly tired. I could go on holiday now as long as I didn't have to carry the luggage!

flowery · 05/12/2016 10:47

"I'm also planning a group holiday with friends for when I'm 8 months pregnant."

There's a world of difference between 8 months pregnant and 9 months pregnant.

And yes, life doesn't have to stop. But just for a month or two, over the last bit of pregnancy and first few weeks of newborn, it's not life 'stopping' to be realistic about what's best for you/baby.

Lovelyskin · 05/12/2016 10:48

What even those people who have gone 'life as usual' have to feed, be up all night, travel with a tiny baby and it just isn't that straightforward in those first few days. It'd probably be easier when they are three months, feeding is established, birth problems have healed etc. Aiming for balance on day 2 is just ridiculous, even if it is a longer term goal.

But of course it's up to you and you can change your plans as you get nearer to the time or have more information about giving birth/travelling immediately over a birth period.

You asked if you were over-optimistic of a group who have actually given birth, your answers show you are, but are happy to be so.

baconandeggies · 05/12/2016 10:48

I won't link to the Sun, but they noted:-

"worryingly the experiment had to be stopped several times amid concerns with the responses of two or three of the newborns."

RhodaBull · 05/12/2016 10:48

Reminds me of woman I knew who said she was taking her watercolour paints to the hospital so she could occupy herself whilst in labour.

I didn't say a thing.

Original poster
Whatallama · 05/12/2016 10:49

Mouldy, my husband is taking 6 months off, so that's not an issue at all.

I wouldn't be that bothered about being in a strange hospital- hospitals terrify me anyway, and I honestly don't think it will make a scrap of difference which one it is, the baby's got to come out either way, and either way, the staff are likely to be strangers.

I'll make sure I'd know where all the hospitals are, have phone numbers to hand, have all my notes with me, anything else advisable really.

I'm thinking its probably a no though, I've got some time to think.

OP posts:
mouldycheesefan · 05/12/2016 10:49

Trifle or bust

I said usually. You are unusual to have had nothing but a bit of tiredness. Have this 🏅

Trifleorbust · 05/12/2016 10:49

RhodaBull: Grin

BertrandRussell · 05/12/2016 10:50

I am the most gung ho person I know about pregnancy, birth and early babyhood, but even I wouldn't have done this. Simply because of the possibility of the couple wasting their money. If it was a party or something then I'd wait and see, but not if somebody's got to cough 200 quid.

And I spent a night snowbound in my car on the M25 at 39 weeks, and went to Cork for a party with a 3 week old.

mouldycheesefan · 05/12/2016 10:50

But why are you bothered about going to a wedding of people you hardly know?

PlumsGalore · 05/12/2016 10:51

Mouldy, we'd hire a airbnb flat for a couple of weeks if we had to stay. I certainly wouldn't expect to be staying in hospital

really? with no equipment and no family support?

Trifleorbust · 05/12/2016 10:51

mouldycheesefan: It isn't a stealth boast - nothing to do with me that these things haven't happened (yet). I just think if you're feeling good, behaving as you would normally is fine. Lots of people expect pregnant women to effectively go into seclusion and I am just pointing out that that isn't the best thing for everyone.

carrie74 · 05/12/2016 10:51

I was a "life doesn't stop" person. I cried a lot trying to keep everything looking as though my life hadn't been thrown upside down, and I was holding all the shit together (we also relocated when Baby 1 was 3 months old, and by the time she was 10 months old, she'd lived in 4 different houses). I wish I'd let life stop for a bit TBH. Still, she's 11 now, and neither of us are damaged by it, but it wasn't much fun.

Trifleorbust · 05/12/2016 10:52

mouldycheesefan: And it's possible my ankles are only okay because I was fat anyway Wink

MigsSlippers · 05/12/2016 10:53

6 hours in the car for a newborn? Just no. Plus I found the 20min trip back from the hospital really uncomfortable the day after giving birth. It was partly sitting on new stitches and tears, but also there was a whole body, just run over by a bus feeling from a long labour. 6 hours would have been just ridiculous.

Also I think the travel alone will be very uncomfortable for you if still pregnant - your circulation will get cut off in your legs sitting in that position for 3 hours. Then the wedding on top.

namechangedtoday15 · 05/12/2016 10:53

Regardless of what you want - think of the couple! They don't want their wedding ruined by your waters going mid way through the speeches or it being remembered for the "guest who went into labour". I think a) its not fair in any shape or form to the couple (and if they were honest, they probably wouldn't want you there and b) you are absolutely nuts thinking of a 3 hour car journey (or more if you're stuck in traffic / break down). It would be a risk too far - not just to you but to the baby too. Yes in 99% of cases, births are straightforward but its not always easy or without risk. Do you really want to put both of you at risk for the sake of a party for people you don't really know?!

Trifleorbust · 05/12/2016 10:54

I think that sounds about right, OP. Don't forget you will be establishing feeding and changes, and 3 hours in a car for a brand new baby will be hard on the baby and on you even if you ignore any issues with car seats.

SleepFreeZone · 05/12/2016 10:54

I think you would be ridiculous to try. Yes you can take your green notes with you but anything could happen at any time and I would not want to be labouring on a bloody motorway that's for sure.

This the kind of silliness you think before you've had your first baby and gone through labour and realised how ridiculously precious they are.

Bogeyface · 05/12/2016 10:55

In the nicest possible way, you need to pull waaaay back on your expectations of yourself. Its a sure fire way to feel like shit if, when the baby comes, you dont manage to keep up with your plans.

Some people do manage to slot a baby into their life with little or no upheaval, but they tend to be the exception rather than the rule. I was very determined when I had DD that I would be back and work within a few months and coping just fine thank you. I ended up with PND because I struggled and felt a complete failure and a lot of that was down to expectations of myself that simply were not realistic.

Original poster
Whatallama · 05/12/2016 10:56

I'm asking here because my friends irl (who have had children), all think it should be fine, and they'd go.

It did include someone that moved house (approx 3 hours away) a week after giving birth and a woman who took her 4 week old on a family camping holiday in a tent.I have some crazy friends.

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 05/12/2016 10:56

I wonder if you are wanting to do all this stuff, holidays, long trips for weddings etc to prove something to yourself. You life WILL change when you have this baby, and fear of losing something of yourself when it comes is no reason to push and push yourself to the limit.

SleepFreeZone · 05/12/2016 10:57

And I too tried to be the super mother who carried on regardless with a newborn. I was obsessed with writing all my Christmas cards and cleaning the house top to bottom whilst establishing breast feeding and trying to get back into my jeans 🙄

It took three miscarriages afterwards to realise how fucked ip my priorities were. Relax, there is a lifetime to worry about your social life and in my case housework.