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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu or is he?

112 replies

ricecrispies16 · 05/12/2016 06:57

Could do with a bit of an impartial perspective.

Haven't spoken to my partner since Friday morning. We've been together 18 months, have a 3 month old baby together. I'm currently living with my mum between house moves and he's living with his parents. Friday he made a comment about my daughter (3yo who's not his) that I didn't like, I blew up and told him that he's nasty and to do one basically. I was just angry and went into protective mum mode.

Have since been told that perhaps I was being unreasonable so I tried to call him last night to apologise. He ignored me. Haven't heard anything since.

Meanwhile I'm the one looking after our baby in all of this and haven't heard a thing from him.

I've gone from feeling sorry last night to a bit miffed to be honest.

Aibu?

OP posts:
ChuckGravestones · 05/12/2016 06:59

Depends on what he said really.

AdelindSchade · 05/12/2016 07:02

What did he say? We can't tell if yabu without knowing that.

Original poster
ricecrispies16 · 05/12/2016 07:19

She was having a tantrum over something silly and he comes out with "I wonder what type of kid she'll grow up to be" and I dismissed it then later I told him what I'd bought my 3yo for Christmas that day and he made no acknowledgement of it, just turned round and asked if I'd bought the baby her main present yet, when we had already discussed that we would be buying her things together.

In general he finds my daughters tantrums difficult, he can't get his head around why she behaves the way she does. I will add that she is a lovely little girl, just behaves how all three year olds do

OP posts:
19lottie82 · 05/12/2016 07:21

Unless there's some massive back story I think you're over reacting here. Especially with the first comment. I don't understand why it would even cross your mind to be offended by that?

He is being childish ignoring you though. However if my dP informed me for 2.5 days over comments like that I'd be pretty miffed too!

FeckinCrutches · 05/12/2016 07:23

Why are you offended by that?

Haggisfish · 05/12/2016 07:25

Why did you decide to have a baby with him? I honestly can't imagine choosing to be with someone who didn't seem to like my 3yo.

Original poster
ricecrispies16 · 05/12/2016 07:27

I have acknowledged that perhaps I jumped the gun a bit but to then ignore me when I've rang him is annoying. He's on annual leave too so he's just been going about his own free will for days with the hump at his mums while I carry on with the responsibility of the baby. Doesn't seem fair. Especially since I tried to call to apologise.

OP posts:
wowfudge · 05/12/2016 07:27

OP what he said was inoffensive, but it depends how it was said to an extent. It sounds to me as though you are perhaps reading more into it - do you feel he is only interested in the baby/questions your parenting/doesn't like or make an effort with your DD?

onemorecupofcoffeefortheroad · 05/12/2016 07:29

I wouldn't have liked the blatantly ignoring what you bought for your 3 yr old and switching the discussion to being about presents for the baby. He was passively aggressively implying that your 3 yr old doesn't matter - it's only the baby that does. I'd be deeply concerned about him as a father to your 3 yr old.

Original poster
ricecrispies16 · 05/12/2016 07:29

When the baby was conceived there were no problems in that respect.

A year or so ago she threw a massive tantrum at her hospital appointment and he asked me if at her 2 year review they'd check her for autism?! I was pregnant at the time and asked him what he expected our unborn child to be like at that age and he replied "not like that" I went on to explain his expectations of children are unrealistic.

OP posts:
NavyandWhite · 05/12/2016 07:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

19lottie82 · 05/12/2016 07:32

Although the whole
Thing sounds pretty childish......In fairness you ignored him since Friday morning then when you decide you want to speak to him last night you're miffed because he won't answer your call?

If my DP ignored me for days I wouldn't answer his call at the drop of a hat either !

Original poster
ricecrispies16 · 05/12/2016 07:32

That's what bothered me most, that he couldn't give two shits what my older daughter was getting. Fair enough he's not her dad but some level of excitement would be nice or even an "aw she'll love them" would have been fine

OP posts:
sleepachu · 05/12/2016 07:33

No, it doesn't matter what you said in a row. He doesn't get to just abdicate responsibility for the baby when he feels like it. I expect you doing the same would never be an option. And it sounds like you were right anyway. That's a really snide comment to make.

OnionKnight · 05/12/2016 07:34

You over reacted, ignored him for a few days and now you're pissed off because he won't answer his phone?

19lottie82 · 05/12/2016 07:35

If I expected a response to most
Of the things I told my DH I'd be waiting a long time! Usually I'm lucky to get a grunt of acknowledgement!

It is a bit shit that he's left you with sole baby caring duties! If he's ombudsman AL today I'd be tempted to take the LO round to his place and let him do his share for the day.

shovetheholly · 05/12/2016 07:37

Yes, you overreacted - but he has overreacted far more! What kind of grown man goes and sulks in his room for days like that, abnegating all his responsibilities as a parent in the process? There's someone behaving like a 3-year old here and it's not your toddler.

AdelindSchade · 05/12/2016 07:38

Ignoring you for days is childish and unreasonable. However blowing up at him is not going to help. You need to have a calm and open discussion about this and quickly. If you think he will treat your dd differently - what will that do to her self esteem growing up? He can't be a father to her I'm sorry.

buggerForTheBottle · 05/12/2016 07:39

You told him to do one, now you've realised you were irrational he should come running back.

I wouldn't be 'deeply concerned' or any other nonsense. I'd apologise for my behaviour but expect one back. Neither of you are coming out of this looking especially good.

WinterIsHereJon · 05/12/2016 07:43

It all sounds extremely childish, which is unfortunate as there are two actual children stuck in the middle of all of this.

pictish · 05/12/2016 07:47

Hmm...I think you were reacting to the fact that your now dp does not care and has no time for your existing daughter.
The comment was taken as yet another negative allusion to her character.

I don't know where you go with this...he sounds bloody awful for your poor wee dd.

Original poster
ricecrispies16 · 05/12/2016 07:47

I took a few days to get my head around things and to try to work out if I am prepared to keep him in my daughters life. I spoke to my mum and realised I have probably been unreasonable so tried to call to apologise and have a chat about it all. I don't see where I went wrong there......

OP posts:
AmberEars · 05/12/2016 07:47

He's in the wrong whether you over reacted or not. You can't just go AWOL when you have a three month baby. He should at least be communicating with you.

AmberEars · 05/12/2016 07:48

You say that when you conceived there was no sign of this... but you'd only been together for six months at that point.

Original poster
ricecrispies16 · 05/12/2016 07:49

I'm surprised he didn't send a message to check the baby is ok when he seen my call. I know he's been on his phone thanks to the dreaded fb telling me he's been active.

OP posts:
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