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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu or is he?

112 replies

ricecrispies16 · 05/12/2016 06:57

Could do with a bit of an impartial perspective.

Haven't spoken to my partner since Friday morning. We've been together 18 months, have a 3 month old baby together. I'm currently living with my mum between house moves and he's living with his parents. Friday he made a comment about my daughter (3yo who's not his) that I didn't like, I blew up and told him that he's nasty and to do one basically. I was just angry and went into protective mum mode.

Have since been told that perhaps I was being unreasonable so I tried to call him last night to apologise. He ignored me. Haven't heard anything since.

Meanwhile I'm the one looking after our baby in all of this and haven't heard a thing from him.

I've gone from feeling sorry last night to a bit miffed to be honest.

Aibu?

OP posts:
stonecircle · 05/12/2016 08:29

It's difficult for anyone on here to judge the dynamics of your relationship with your dp and his with your DD. However you should be thinking long and hard about whether you want to continue in a relationship with someone who doesn't appear to like your daughter and who is prepared to ignore his own daughter for a few days. I certainly wouldn't.

MsGameandWatch · 05/12/2016 08:31

I don't think you did overreact actually. I think it's probably been a series of little digs towards your daughter for quite some time and this time you lost it. Maybe he will think twice next time.

MsGameandWatch · 05/12/2016 08:32

And you DON'T sound childish. You sound like you're protecting your dd.

ThirdTimeLuck · 05/12/2016 08:34

OP, putting myself in your position I'd have done exactly the same, I don't think it's childish at all. He insulted your 3yo, I understand his comment to mean that he thinks there is something 'wrong' with your 3yo and rather than helping to calm the tantrum he made a passive aggressive comment which insulted her character and undermined your parenting. The dismissive attitude about her presents would have then exacerbated this feeling, as a parent to the baby and partner to you he has the responsibility towards your 3yo to treat her equally and like he's her parent too. The financial aspect of any of that is irrelevant - that shouldn't affect how he treats her.

It sounds to me like he can't cope and he doesn't have the maturity to cope, his expectations are way off which is typical for a lot of people and can be sorted out though providing he actually wants to parent her. It sounds to me like he either needs to start making an effort or he needs to leave, he upset you and he should be answering his phone to try and sort things out. If there were no children involved then I'd understand him not answering the phone and staying away but to do that in his situation is childish.

You definitely need to put your cards in the table with regards to your 3 yo. You have doubts as to how he thinks of her and treats her, this isn't going to change unless you bring it up with him and it absolutely can't stay like it is. And if he is going to parent her then he needs to do that, rather than making nasty comments implying that she isn't a nice person and throwing words like 'autism' around without supporting you by actually looking into it and seeking help. If he thinks autism is a possibility then he should be taking it seriously rather than just mentioning it.

stonecircle · 05/12/2016 08:38

If you live together there are likely to be occasions when he will look after your DD while you are out/working etc. I wouldn't be happy with that in your shoes.

TheNaze73 · 05/12/2016 08:39

He's an arse for walking away, can totally see why he did but, he shouldn't of with a young child on the scene.
Do you always have issues dealing with conflict?

Original poster
ricecrispies16 · 05/12/2016 08:41

This is the thing, when she plays up and he pulls a face I get defensive because I wouldn't have anyone pulling faces at her. I've also said that rather than making snide comments and pulling faces perhaps you could help me out a little.

I've spoken at length with him about it, explained that he needs to treat her as his own. When he gets exasperated with her I ask what he'd do with baby if this was her 2/3 years down the line to prompt him to handle it better.

He does have good moments with her, plays with her etc

OP posts:
Original poster
ricecrispies16 · 05/12/2016 08:43

Stone - I wouldn't leave her alone with him at present

OP posts:
Mollymaywell · 05/12/2016 08:46

I agree totally with MsGameAndWatch. You are right to be concerned at his lack of interest in your eldest daughter. If it continues, how will this affect her as she gets older? You feel the need to protect her which is why you reacted in that way. Having been through something similar, my advice is to trust the message your gut instincts are telling you.

JerryFerry · 05/12/2016 08:52

It sounds terrible. I could not even contemplate o-parenting with someone who wasn't totally supportive of the child.

Even if he does try to patch things up, you can be sure that it'll happen over and over, giving your daughter a miserable childhood, and the knowledge that she wasn't good enough.

Scooby20 · 05/12/2016 08:55

I think the relationship should he done. So many issues and yiu are both acting like children.

When you don't want to talk to him it's you 'taking some time to decide'. When he doesn't talk want to talk to you it's sulking and ignoring you.

Fwiw he should have at least spoke to you about the child. Perhaps he needs sometime away from you though to decide what he wants.

You have rushed into a relationship. Got pregnant early, haven't really lived together that long. When kids are involved, Imo, that's not ok.

You both sound childish and like this relationship is a mess. Also if someone told me to do one, that would be the end of the relationship. But he hasn't behaved great either.

Passmethecrisps · 05/12/2016 08:56

I think you were acting on your instincts rice and personally I would stick by them.

You seem uncomfortable and unhappy with your dp in relation to your dd. Unless he can prove himself to be a trustworthy step parent to her I think he needs to step back

ZoFloMoFo · 05/12/2016 09:03

You've taken a few days to think about things, but he's sulking. Okay.

I think this relationship is done, I'm guessing he thinks this relationship is done anyway - I know I would if my DH said to me what you said to him.

Hopefully he'll be in touch to arrange some contact with his child but don't hold your breath, he doesn't sound like great father material to me.

BadKnee · 05/12/2016 09:09

Grow up. What your 3 year old and the new baby need is a stable family. Not tow people living with their parents bickering about who said what to whom and who gets what for Christmas.

Up to you now to apologise, see if you can sort this out and focus on what is important.

BadKnee · 05/12/2016 09:10

two people - sorry. And yes, if you can't sort this out then realistically the relationship is over and your job is to, both of you, be the best parents you can to your children. They have to come first.

nellieellie · 05/12/2016 09:11

Agree wholeheartedly with Thirdtimeluck, and am surprised at some of the comments here. This is clearly not just about the last incident, but about the way he sees you eldest child. You have a child with this man, and if you live together as a family, he needs to act as a parent to your three year old. He seems to have no idea how young children act, and instead of taking responsibility for her, as any step-parent should, is acting critically towards her as though she were a 'problem', and your problem at that. If he treats his own child favourably, your eldest will know and this stores up serious problems for her, and for you as a family. He needs to know this is not acceptable. Don't let him control you, and make you apologetic for defending your child. He needs to grow up, you need to lay it on the line. If you live together, he takes you and your eldest as a package, clearly he cannot love her to order, but he needs to accept responsibility, get to know her, spend time with her and develop a relationship with her. Otherwise, really, you are better off without him.

SuffolkingGrand · 05/12/2016 09:15

Just a thought - does DD "play up" because in her mind he's taking you away from her? It's quite a lot for a 3 yr old to deal w all at once: new sibling, stepparent, moving house. Just one of those things alone is enough for most 3 yr olds to become v anxious and clingy about. Maybe she needs some time with just her mummy

Btw you're not being unreasonable but he certainly is. He's not exactly showing himself up to be a great father figure, is he??

TupsNSups · 05/12/2016 09:17

I've spoken at length with him about it, explained that he needs to treat her as his own

Maybe that is half the problem, You are expecting him to treat her as his own but then tell him to 'do one' if he so much as comments on her behaviour. You can not have it both ways.

Asking him how he will act if his dd acts like that when she is 2/3 is irrelevant as he will actually have some say on discipline with the youngest.

SuffolkingGrand · 05/12/2016 09:18

Think of it in terms that your DD is possibly trying to tell you something about this man....

ChicRock · 05/12/2016 09:18

Suffolking beat me to it.

Your baby was 2 years old when in the space of a year she's got a new stepdad, a new sibling and a new home.

No wonder her behaviour is a bit off. She needs some stability, not two parents stropping and huffing with each other for days.

The pair of you sound as bad as each other and need to grow the fuck up.

KoalaDownUnder · 05/12/2016 09:21

I feel very sorry for your three-year-old.

I can't see this ending well for her if you stay with him.

pictish · 05/12/2016 09:23

That 'niggling feeling' is your instinct telling you what you need to know.

HermioneJeanGranger · 05/12/2016 09:28

I just think it all seems very rushed and unstable.

You say you lived together for a while, why do you not at present? it's a lot of change for a 3yo to deal with in such a short space of time. Slow down!

isupposeitsverynice · 05/12/2016 09:33

Yeah I think some people saying you've overreacted are failing to read between the lines a bit here. My husband and oldest child (not his) struggle with the step-parent dynamic, it is really hard - but my oldest is 9 going on 13 and when he was little there was no problems with eye rolling or face pulling. Only you know if this can be fixed OP, and if you've told him to naff off once I think you probably have your answer. Good luck - you've been a single parent before, you can do it again.

Ahickiefromkinickie · 05/12/2016 09:41

I agree with isupposeitsverynice

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