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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu or is he?

112 replies

ricecrispies16 · 05/12/2016 06:57

Could do with a bit of an impartial perspective.

Haven't spoken to my partner since Friday morning. We've been together 18 months, have a 3 month old baby together. I'm currently living with my mum between house moves and he's living with his parents. Friday he made a comment about my daughter (3yo who's not his) that I didn't like, I blew up and told him that he's nasty and to do one basically. I was just angry and went into protective mum mode.

Have since been told that perhaps I was being unreasonable so I tried to call him last night to apologise. He ignored me. Haven't heard anything since.

Meanwhile I'm the one looking after our baby in all of this and haven't heard a thing from him.

I've gone from feeling sorry last night to a bit miffed to be honest.

Aibu?

OP posts:
Original poster
ricecrispies16 · 05/12/2016 07:50

Can I ask what would you all do? In my current situation....

OP posts:
Costacoffeeplease · 05/12/2016 07:51

You both sound as childish as each other. Poor kids in the middle of this

19lottie82 · 05/12/2016 07:51

Send him a message saying you're sorry things got out of control and you appreciate you over reacted, but you'd like to put all this behind you and move forwards. Please can he call you?

Gazelda · 05/12/2016 07:52

You over reacted. But regardless of anything you and he are rowing about, it's appalling that he has ignored his own child for 3 days.
How long have you been staying at your mums? Have you ever lived together as a family?
He is being incredibly childish and rude about your DD. it's a shame he and she hadn't had time to get to know each other better before the new baby came along.

19lottie82 · 05/12/2016 07:53

Amber it's the OP that's been ignoring HIM for
Days! Now she decided to make up with him (last night) he ignored her call.

Original poster
ricecrispies16 · 05/12/2016 07:53

Yes we have lived together as a couple previously.

OP posts:
Original poster
ricecrispies16 · 05/12/2016 07:53

Been at my mums since just before my due date

OP posts:
Original poster
ricecrispies16 · 05/12/2016 07:55

I haven't ignored anybody. He's not exactly been trying to get in touch. I felt hurt at what he'd said about my 3yo and needed some time work out what do

OP posts:
OnionKnight · 05/12/2016 07:56

The OP told him to do one, so he did.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 05/12/2016 07:58

You over reacted, ignored him for a few days and now you're pissed off because he won't answer his phone?

^ this.

balence49 · 05/12/2016 07:59

Why did you get your daughters presents on your own, but you will shop together for your baby? Is he interested in choosing for the baby, who lets face it isn't gonna be fussed either way, not going to be aware where as the 3 yo is.

Nousernameforme · 05/12/2016 08:00

In your situation I would put the house move on hold stay where you are until you can get a place of your own and get rid of him because of the ongoing issues he has with your eldest.
It's unlikely to change and if anything it will get worse. I would sort out access with regards to your youngest and get the ball started on whatever csa is called nowadays.
That is what I would do. What you choose to do is up to you and i hope you get the support you need to do what you think is best

WinnieTheW0rm · 05/12/2016 08:01

Well, you've realised the hard way that when you tell someone to do one, and they go, they might not be sitting there waiting for your call.

Perhaps he could have rung straight back last night, or perhaps it's something as simple as going out, or leaving phone upstairs, or having it on silent.

I don't see that he's done anything wrong.

Now, the key question for you is do you want to be in a relationship with him?

We don't know the back story, but perhaps you have very good reasons for wanting to split up. In which case, getting hold of him and having a proper discussion of future co-parenting arrangements is probably better done now than in the hurly burly newborn period.

If you don't want to split up, then you need to go round, apologise and make every effort to restart communication.

WouldHave · 05/12/2016 08:03

He was passively aggressively implying that your 3 yr old doesn't matter - it's only the baby that does

It didn't sound like that to me. It sounded as if he thought OP might be prioritising the 3 year old over their baby.

What concerns me is that neither of you seem to treat him as stepfather of the three year old. Why do you plan to go together to choose a present for the baby, but not for the older child?

balence49 · 05/12/2016 08:04

Does he ever look after her etc? Or is she very much 'your' child not ours? That would piss me off if so. My dd was just two when I got with dh and by the time he was a regular sleeper over. He would share the childcare etc. If we were together with her he would treat her no differently to how our toddler now is treated. Anything less than that he would of been out the door. We very much came as a package and he knew that from day dot.

Original poster
ricecrispies16 · 05/12/2016 08:06

I would love for him to be involved with choosing presents for the eldest, but I don't expect a financial contribution, nor would he offer

OP posts:
TupsNSups · 05/12/2016 08:07

Are you being honest with yourself how bad your 3 year olds behaviour is?

123MothergotafleA · 05/12/2016 08:10

Sounds like he's had enough already. Was it his idea to have a child together, or did he make any commitment?
I can't believe that someone just has a child with someone and then see how things pan out.
Set up to fail in my book.

Original poster
ricecrispies16 · 05/12/2016 08:14

We have our ups and down like all couples but are generally very happy. It's just this niggling feeling about how he is with my 3yo.

OP posts:
HermioneJeanGranger · 05/12/2016 08:16

It all sounds very childish. You concieved after only knowing him six months, you don't live together and you have arguments which involve you ignoring each other for several days.

Is your elder DD's dad still in the picture - does he have regular contact, or is your DP the only male influence she has?

DearMrDilkington · 05/12/2016 08:16

grow up and act like adults.

Clutterbugsmum · 05/12/2016 08:18

Your DD is 3 and has 'normal' tantrums, your DP is an adult and should not have tantrums.

I would be seriously thinking about the future of this relationship. Go buy your baby some christmas presents and should he turn up at some point do not add his name to them, he can buy his own as he has decided to go awol.

Original poster
ricecrispies16 · 05/12/2016 08:18

She is in regular contact with her dad

OP posts:
TheDowagerCuntess · 05/12/2016 08:18

I can't believe that someone just has a child with someone and then see how things pan out.

They'd been together six months - I don't think it was exactly planned!

Crumbs1 · 05/12/2016 08:23

There is a problem if he is not prepared to raise the child as his own - and you are not prepared to let him. You chose to have a child with someone you knew only six months without having the discussion about your existing child and his responsibilities toward her? I think I may be old fashioned but issue is less about Christmas present and more about commitment and strength of your relationship/communication. You seem to want him around as partner but he's not allowed to comment on your three y ar olds behaviour? Recipe for disaster.

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