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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Aibu or is he?

112 replies

ricecrispies16 · 05/12/2016 06:57

Could do with a bit of an impartial perspective.

Haven't spoken to my partner since Friday morning. We've been together 18 months, have a 3 month old baby together. I'm currently living with my mum between house moves and he's living with his parents. Friday he made a comment about my daughter (3yo who's not his) that I didn't like, I blew up and told him that he's nasty and to do one basically. I was just angry and went into protective mum mode.

Have since been told that perhaps I was being unreasonable so I tried to call him last night to apologise. He ignored me. Haven't heard anything since.

Meanwhile I'm the one looking after our baby in all of this and haven't heard a thing from him.

I've gone from feeling sorry last night to a bit miffed to be honest.

Aibu?

OP posts:

Olympiathequeen · 05/12/2016 09:43

He doesn't sound ready for his role as parent, step or otherwise. I think you would have been wiser to have given this relationship more time before getting into joint parenthood.

MoreThanUs · 05/12/2016 09:44

This world would be so much better if people got their shit together before bringing babies into the world.

BathshebaSnowflakeStone · 05/12/2016 09:57

He's in for a horrible shock when your baby's about 18 months!

Pigflewpast · 05/12/2016 09:59

I'm struggling to see how a long term relationship can work with him if you feel like you can't leave your 3 yr old with him ever, and you wouldn't expect him to contribute financially towards her present. Either you are a family or you're not, which means no relationship. How is she going to feel growing up with him and your younger child if he is so obviously not prepared to be a proper part of her life? How can that work? Please put your daughter first here, any partner you have has to be prepared that you come as a package deal, and it doesn't sound like he sees that.

user1480182169 · 05/12/2016 10:04

I took a few days to get my head around things and to try to work out if I am prepared to keep him in my daughters life

You should probably have thought of that before you had a baby with someone you'd only known a few months. But now you owe both of your children to work a lot harder at this relationship before you throw it away so casually.

Original poster

ricecrispies16 · 05/12/2016 10:20

Badknee - I know what my children need thank you, that's the very reason this has happened.

OP posts:

pictish · 05/12/2016 10:21

I would also argue that his radio silence since the incident, despite your attempt to resolve, is a flappy red flag.

I am concerned that his sulking and your efforts to reconcile are setting a precedent whereby you find yourself being conciliatory and apologetic over defending your daughter, while he deigns to forgive you in his own time.

Even if you have misinterpreted him, a man worth having would be concerned with making things right. He would be appalled that his words and demeanor regarding your daughter have been misconstrued to the point where you are upset and worried about him and he would be going to some effort to reassure you both.
If your dp genuinely hopes to carve a bond with her he'd be talking, not sulking.

Instead, I think your instinct serves you well and I am worried that he means to uphold his right to be unpleasant about her by punishing you with silence until you back down. Once that becomes the dynamic, it's fucked.

MsGameandWatch · 05/12/2016 10:25

Why do people have to such utter dicks on here sometimes? The smug "you should have thought of that before" has no place on a SUPPORT site for parents.

Agree with everything you say Pictish.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 05/12/2016 10:28

has no place on a SUPPORT site for parents.

Support doesn't mean agree.

MsGameandWatch · 05/12/2016 10:30

Who said it did?

LoisWilkersonsLastNerve · 05/12/2016 10:31

I think he clearly hasn't bonded with your DD and isn't likely too. Trust your gut instinct here op. You could give it one more shot for the baby's sake but can you imagine how your DD must feel having an adult pulling faces at her when she's distressed

WorraLiberty · 05/12/2016 10:38

It's a difficult one due to you both living apart.

It cant be easy either to treat someone's child as your own, when you're not living with them.

WRT him 'sulking', well has this happened before? I mean do you often overreact, 'blow up' and tell him to 'do one'?

If so, perhaps he feels as though he's not going to come running just because you and your Mum have decided you were wrong and you've apologised.

My ex husband used to do that - blow up, get abusive, go away, calm down and then expect me to be all sweetness and light as soon as he said he was sorry (again).

If it was a one-off then he is being incredibly childish and should accept your apology.

MoreThanUs · 05/12/2016 10:39

MsGame for every person asking for advice, there are thousands reading the thread. I don't think there's anything wrong with pointing out how someone has screwed up not only their own life, but dragged innocent children into it too. It might not help the OP (although it might help them start to take a bit of responsibility for their choices), but it might well help someone else who is thinking through their choices.

Having babies with twats is never a good idea and the sooner that women realise that the better for everyone.

HermioneJeanGranger · 05/12/2016 10:43

The smug "you should have thought of that before" has no place on a SUPPORT site for parents.

Why not? Too many people jump into relationships and have babies with people they barely know.

Jumping into relationships (with no DC involved) is one thing, but when you're involving existing DC and having babies with people you barely know, I think it's only right to question people's judgement.

These are real children we're talking about. It's not fair that they're expected to adapt just because two adults can't wait before having more babies.

MsGameandWatch · 05/12/2016 10:45

thread. I don't think there's anything wrong with pointing out how someone has screwed up not only their own life, but dragged innocent children into it too

Well that's not what's happened here. This is not some feckless person that needs a big telling off. She clearly cares about her kids and is trying to seek advice on where to go next. Personally I think it's more important to give good advice not dish out bollockings and "you should have thought of that before" to grown adults without actually giving any real advice.

I waited four years to have a child with someone I thought was "right" it still went south, within weeks of giving birth actually, so following The Rules doesn't always lead to a favourable outcome. The "well did you have a baby with him then" is just so terrible smug and helpful, I could never say it to anyone who was struggling.

MsGameandWatch · 05/12/2016 10:47

These are real children we're talking about.

Yes. Real children that can't go anywhere. Can't put them back can she? So what help is it to ask why she had them. It's just satisfying your smug need to dish out a bollocking. That's all it is.

nilbyname · 05/12/2016 10:48

What stands out for me in this post is that you have a niggling feeling about him and your daughter.... so that's the underlying thing. Until that's properly sorted then you're in trouble.

Does he love your pre schooler? Relationships take time but if he doesn't have love for her then I think you're best to walk away....

MoreThanUs · 05/12/2016 10:48

Well that's not what's happened here. This is not some feckless person

I disagree. I think it is feckless to have a child 6 months after meeting someone - even more so when there's another child involved.

MsGameandWatch · 05/12/2016 10:51

Good for you. Without knowing ALL the circumstances and someone personally I couldn't presume to make that judgment.

pictish · 05/12/2016 10:55

"I don't think there's anything wrong with pointing out how someone has screwed up not only their own life, but dragged innocent children into it too. It might not help the OP (although it might help them start to take a bit of responsibility for their choices), but it might well help someone else who is thinking through their choices."

Ehhh...no. I don't agree with you there. You don't just take it upon yourself to pass sentence. She didn't ask if she had screwed up her life...that turn of phrase is all yours and designed to wound.
You even acknowledge that it's not helpful to comment...but announce you're going to cut her down anyway as it may help to spread your wisdom to the masses?!
Aye ok then.

Leave the lassie alone if you're not going to help.

Kerala2712 · 05/12/2016 10:57

Sounds like a really stressful and difficult situation. I agree you need to keep defending your three year old- but I also think you shouldn't HAVE to defend your child to your partner- if you do need to then he shouldn't be your partner.
I think people going on about what you should or shouldn't have done are being pompous, very unkind, and missing the point.
If he had been like this after 18 months with your dd and you hadn't had the baby, you sound like you wouldn't have stayed. Just because you have the baby doesn't mean you have to stay with him if he's bullying (which is what it is) your daughter and you about your daughter. Good luck x

Original poster

ricecrispies16 · 05/12/2016 11:04

Morethanus-

How dare you say I have screwed up my life? You don't know me, you don't know my children, you don't know my life. I'll add that my children haven't been "dragged" into anything. Perhaps things did move a bit a fast but that has absolutely nothing to do with you and I wouldn't change my baby being here for the world!!

I'm not the first woman to find herself in this situation.

OP posts:

Gymnopedies · 05/12/2016 11:10

YANBU
He has not only ignored you but also his newborn baby.

MoreThanUs · 05/12/2016 11:10

ricekrispies I disagree. You've had a baby with a man you don't trust to look after your daughter.

Both your children are now going to be affected by this choice of yours.

I hope it all works out for you, but I think you need to start by taking sufficient responsibility for the situation.

MsGameandWatch · 05/12/2016 11:16

How? What does she actually need to DO? What does "taking responsibility" actually entail?

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