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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To really like being drunk?

331 replies

GrabtharsHammer · 03/12/2016 21:24

I'm an alcoholic and I'm aiming for sobriety. I'm finding it really hard. I'm in two different groups (not AA, it's not for me). They dont expect abstinence straight away, it's more CBT based.

I've drunk a litre of vodka tonight and I love this feeling. I feel normal, if a bit buzzed.

I usually drink half a bottle of wine during the day so I can do the school run, I don't go in the playground in the morning so it's easier but I feel I need a drink to face the pick up. I'll then drink another bottle of wine in the evening. I don't really get hangovers but the financial hit is the main issue. Thatvand the fact my family hate it.

I crave sobriety. I love the idea. But I can't see how I can say goodbye to feeling like this ever again. Stone cold sober feels jagged and painful and it's not something I can imagine committing to.

Dh hates me drinking. He's exhausted this evening and wants to go to bed but won't leave me because I'm half cut and he doesn't trust I won't do anything silly (history of self harm and overdosing).

I won't, because I feel happy and chilled, but I want to stay up and watch shit telly. I'm basically ruining his life, and I know this, but I can't bear the idea that I'll never feel this way again.

We've tried having him control my drinking but it doesn't work. And I know from therapy that I have to control it myself or there's no point. But I feel like I'm stuck at a point. I know i need to stop drinking entirely but I'm scared.

I have bipolar 2 and BPD so my emotions are generally all over the place, and alcohol is like a comfort blanket.

The old adage about reaching rock bottom doesn't really apply because I've been there and life is generally good now. How on earth can I convince myself that alcohol is no good when it seems so nice?

I know, logically, that we'd be much richer and my health would improve, but I can't seem to take that step forward. I've done loads of paper exercises, like the costs and benefits scale and the hierarchy of values and all of that, but I can't seem to make it stick.
Am I just an awful person? Too selfish to quit?

OP posts:
blueskyinmarch · 04/12/2016 08:55

Piratefairy. RTFT. OP doesn't drive and she has said the half bottle of wine she drinks before she goes to to do the school run normalises her. If you haven't got anything supportive to say then don't bother posting.

OP I rather fear that I drink too much. I can cut back for a while then it creeps back up. I worry about my health a lot. I also need to address this. Please don't feel you are alone in this.

Candlelight123 · 04/12/2016 08:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FizzBombBathTime · 04/12/2016 09:00

ODFO Pirate

carabos · 04/12/2016 09:19

I am the daughter, daughter-in-law and sister-in-law of alcoholics. They're all dead and all dead prematurely of drinking related illness. None of them was able to control their drinking for the sake of others in their family and ultimately by the time they realised the impact on their own health, it was too late.

Cirrhosis is a sneaky disease- by the time you get the diagnosis, it's almost always too late. For now, because you can't get control of your drinking, get a liver function test at least so that if your liver is compromised or, heaven forbid, you have cirrhosis, you can start to plan what happens next.

DFiL died of a heart attack as he struggled to get up from a fall. He unbalanced not because he was drunk - he had no access to alcohol by that point - but because his had ascites. He had 14 litres of excess fluid in his abdomen caused by organ failure.

DF died in a nursing home with Korsakoff's Syndrome - alcoholic dementia.

DBiL bled to death from blown varices.

Don't think this won't happen to you or that you won't have a accident while drunk. DH and I don't drink now having seen the consequences. To us it's just poison and why would you put poison into yourself? But we aren't alcoholics and I know you can't see it that way. You can't do this for others, but try to find the help you need to do it for yourself.

HardcoreLadyType · 04/12/2016 09:34

You're just making excuse after excuse.

Going to rehab may cause short term logistical problems for your family, but if it does work, then it will be the best possible thing for all of you.

I have seen you posting under this name, and (I believe) your previous one, telling half the story, to get justification from MNers to act in the way you want to.

Grabthar: My DD is rude, should I ground her"
Lots of posters: Gosh yes, I would never have spoken to my mother like that!
(Grabthar feels vindicated.)

Grabthar: DH and I were going to have a glass of wine tonight, but he's gone to bed. Should I open the bottle myself?
Lots of posters: Oh, he's so boring! Have that drink, you deserve it!
(Grabthar feels vindicated.)

You are just trying to manipulate us.

Read SlottedSpoon's post a few times, and really consider it.

I just feel for your DC. The two boys, too scared to put their heads above the parapet, and just be a normal kid. The girl, raging, raging against what she can see is wrong. Do you really think that having to live with grandparents for a few months while you are in rehab is the worst option, here?

Boomerwang · 04/12/2016 09:37

Come back and say something?

Original poster
GrabtharsHammer · 04/12/2016 09:45

I'm here, I'm reading.

Dh and I have talked again this morning. I do want to change, I do want to stop.

I've only been going to the groups for a couple of weeks. I believe they can help me, I know they've been successful for lots of people. They can offer more help if I need it, rehab etc. I have a full medical coming up, I'm just waiting for an appointment.

I'm really not trying to be manipulative or get the answers I want to hear. I want help.

OP posts:
humblesims · 04/12/2016 09:53

AA is the best help you could get. If you really want to help yourself then please take that advice. Good Luck. You CAN do it. x

Str4ngedaysindeed · 04/12/2016 09:56

This was me three years ago. I bloody LOVED being drunk. I felt invincible, hilarious, in control. In reality I absolutely wasn't. I was a complete mess. Dd1 loathed me and my other DC didn't understand but knew mummy was sometimes funny and sometimes either asleep, grumpy or downright stupid. You may think you love it but there will come a time when you will either be incredibly physically ill or mentally shot. Sorry but you need to stop. As an aside I didn't use AA but I know some people swear by it

LobsterQuadrille · 04/12/2016 10:01

I can only echo humblesins. But obviously it is entirely up to you. Half measures availed us nothing, as we say ...... when you are ready to admit that you are powerless over alcohol and that your life has become unmanageable, you are halfway there (and it took me a long, long time and plenty of horrible experiences). You just reach a point where you think "enough". I wish you so much luck, OP.

LobsterQuadrille · 04/12/2016 10:02

humblesims, sorry.

ChestyNutsRoastingOnAnOpenFire · 04/12/2016 10:05

You will only stop drinking when you really decide you want to and you'll lie to yourself and make excuses until then.

I know how hard addiction is but your alcoholism will absolutely be affecting your DC.

My DF high functioning alcoholism affected my childhood and who I am today.

illegitimateMortificadospawn · 04/12/2016 10:07

Dipping in, so apologies if the thread has moved on. This struck me in your opening post:

Stone cold sober feels jagged and painful and it's not something I can imagine committing to.

The thing is, once you sober up you will have to face uncomfortable truths and work through the pain, but acceptance evenually follows and that is a much more peaceful place to be. Kinder too. The 'peace' you get with avoidance and alcohol is illusory, a sticking plaster.

HardcoreLadyType · 04/12/2016 10:15

I'm really not trying to be manipulative or get the answers I want to hear. I want help.

Hmm
Str4ngedaysindeed · 04/12/2016 10:23

100% illegitimate stress and annoyance and life is still there but you will deal with it so much better!

ItsNiceItsDifferentItsUnusual · 04/12/2016 10:34

Op please can I ask - and I mean this kindly - why, on the recent threads you have started on your dd and her behaviour, you've not mentioned your alcoholism? You've been clear about your MH issues and the impact this may have on her, but to not mention the alcoholism just strikes me as so strange. Either you're denying the impact altogether, which given your clarity on other things surprises me, or you can't bear to admit the impact?

I just feel for your dd at the moment, tbh. Obviously a lot of us come on here to vent anonymously, so I understand that, but can you try to think about how your dd would feel if she read the two recent posts about her behaviour? You've set out her behaviour and hundreds of people have been piling on saying how terrible it is, that she's spoilt, that she's a madam etc. But if your dd was reading that she'd likely think but, but, Mum drank a litre of vodka the other day yet that's not even mentioned. Do you not think that's unfair when you're trying to get some feedback on why your dd is behaving why she is?

I wish you luck with it all. It sounds as though you have good support and I really hope you feel better soon.

Marmalade85 · 04/12/2016 10:38

I absolutely love feeling drunk and have enjoyed drinking on my own since I moved out to go to Uni so 10+ years now. Can't imagine I will ever stop.

AndNowItsSeven · 04/12/2016 10:43

Your kids are not your priority , they really aren't.
If you can believe that it should be your motivation to get help.

HazelBite · 04/12/2016 10:46

OP what is the most important thing in your life your family or alcohol?

SaucyJack · 04/12/2016 10:46

" I want help."

You are receiving professional help for your drinking.

It's down to you now. You need to stop buying litre bottles of vodka, and then drinking them in one go. Nobody can do that for you.

ragingsister · 04/12/2016 10:49

Very helpful Marmalade Hmm

LostMyBigGirlPants · 04/12/2016 10:58

Sorry, I have to say this because I see it time and time again on alcohol-related threads. I got sober via Addaction - which requires an equal amount of honest, transparency and engagement if you want to stop drinking, as AA. It is irresponsible to tell an alcoholic that AA is 'the only way to get sober'. I know it works for hundreds of thousands of people, hence its popularity, but it is not for everyone, and telling people who are desperate to stop drinking that it is the only method that works is wrong.

I went to several different meetings and it just didn't gel with me - and I'm extremely honest and open. There are local drug & alcohol teams up and down the country who can point you in the direction of alternative detox and rehabilitation facilities. The twelve-steps programme is one of many.

Original poster
GrabtharsHammer · 04/12/2016 10:58

I have been in denial about it. And I have done two weeks sober prior to this week when it's all gone to shit. So I suppose I thought I'd tackled it.

I feel out of control.

OP posts:
opheliaamongthelillies · 04/12/2016 11:03

I dont advocate for AA (works for some people- but I have my reasons for as to why I don't think its that great) however the other end of the spectrum is as you say -

"One of my groups is mainly older 'middle class' sahms. We all drink to varying degrees but all want to stop. It's quite comforting, in a way, than its so common."

My guess is (and I could be wrong) you're thinking- "well she drinks and she's ok, she drinks but its not ruining her life... my drinking is just like hers so it cant be that bad. My drinking isn't as bad as hers so it can't be that bad..." ALL reasons for you to carry on, justify and validate your drinking- which is completely normal btw.
Even completely dysfunctional alkies seek out people with similar behaviour so that it doesn't seem abnormal- there is no hierarchy. Alkies are alkies whether they are a doctor or a street drinker.
It doesn't matter when why or how much one drinks. If its costing you more than money then its a problem.
I think if you still enjoy that feeling of the first or second hit then it is going to be harder to stop.
Maybe a while down the line when you're laying in pissed sheets or you're beginning to let a bit more slide it wont be so great.

You're very self aware, so you do have the choice whether to have that first drink. However once you have had that drink it is only then that you have no choice because you have a pathological reaction to it.

You can stop - it all boils down to whether you want to and at the moment I think you're just paying lip service- again this is normal.

LostMyBigGirlPants · 04/12/2016 11:04

How did you feel during those two weeks, OP?