To really like being drunk?

[GrabtharsHammer]

I'm an alcoholic and I'm aiming for sobriety. I'm finding it really hard. I'm in two different groups (not AA, it's not for me). They dont expect abstinence straight away, it's more CBT based.

I've drunk a litre of vodka tonight and I love this feeling. I feel normal, if a bit buzzed.

I usually drink half a bottle of wine during the day so I can do the school run, I don't go in the playground in the morning so it's easier but I feel I need a drink to face the pick up. I'll then drink another bottle of wine in the evening. I don't really get hangovers but the financial hit is the main issue. Thatvand the fact my family hate it.

I crave sobriety. I love the idea. But I can't see how I can say goodbye to feeling like this ever again. Stone cold sober feels jagged and painful and it's not something I can imagine committing to.

Dh hates me drinking. He's exhausted this evening and wants to go to bed but won't leave me because I'm half cut and he doesn't trust I won't do anything silly (history of self harm and overdosing).

I won't, because I feel happy and chilled, but I want to stay up and watch shit telly. I'm basically ruining his life, and I know this, but I can't bear the idea that I'll never feel this way again.

We've tried having him control my drinking but it doesn't work. And I know from therapy that I have to control it myself or there's no point. But I feel like I'm stuck at a point. I know i need to stop drinking entirely but I'm scared.

I have bipolar 2 and BPD so my emotions are generally all over the place, and alcohol is like a comfort blanket.

The old adage about reaching rock bottom doesn't really apply because I've been there and life is generally good now. How on earth can I convince myself that alcohol is no good when it seems so nice?

I know, logically, that we'd be much richer and my health would improve, but I can't seem to take that step forward. I've done loads of paper exercises, like the costs and benefits scale and the hierarchy of values and all of that, but I can't seem to make it stick.
Am I just an awful person? Too selfish to quit?

Didn't realise us talking and OP actively engaging didn't count as conversing.

Why don't you support her then, original3 instead of telling other people to stop posting. You're derailing it yourself.

There are several threads that OP could join for support where other posters also are cognisant of the problem from the same side. OP has chosen to post elsewhere and she has dismissed nobody from her thread so why you and the others think you have veto rights, goodness knows.

Because I am not going to leave myself open to cruel judgment.
This is not a safe thread to open up.

myoriginal I don't see where the not relative to the OPs thread is coming from? All that has been discussed is relative to the apparent alcoholism acknowledged by the OP?

As you can see from the thread I don't always agree with folk (sorry couldn't resist frankandbeans), but I do think that it has remained relative to the issues raised by the OP.

formerbabe probably the worst possible time to have come in with that comment having not read the thread. I know it was unintentional

Oh no...So sorry

I agree with you myoriginal3 and made the same point earlier this morning. The "alcoholism fucks up your children" message has been well and truly made. Everyone recounting their stories here will not make one jot if difference to the op. It's an important topic for discussion so start another thread!

I was also accused of being the thread police. How predictable!

Just wanted to pop on and say that after a very tricky therapy group I have called Dh to pick me up on his way through rather than risk walking through town (past the offy) to the bus.

I am taking control.

Have you ever thought about posting on the dry threads Grabs? They seem to have lots of successes on there (more so than the Brave Babes where lots of people are still undecided about what they are aiming for).

I've dipped in and out before. I find it quite difficult to keep up with group chat threads but I'll give it another go.

That's a good move calling your dh grab. Every step you take towards sobriety counts. This isn't something anyone can solve overnight so well done.

Well done. You just have to get through this evening sober. Look forward to a bit of dinner.

Good for you Grabs, that's really good. One step at a time

How are you getting alcohol? Can your DH take responsibility for all finances so you don't have access to money to buy booze for a period?

Vice, we have tried that route recently but that kind of forced abstinence backfires, the minute I have any autonomy I binge. It's not the answer.

I do have limited access to cash but the decision not to buy wine has to be mine.

To those claiming I've derailed the thread and not been supportive of the op - tough. I'm allowed to give my opinion and respond on a thread from my own personal perspective. I don't go on the brave babes or dry threads as I consider that to be PURELY for the support of those trying to get sober.

User I have to agree with another poster (I forget who) that the tone of your posts has been 'I AM the real expert here' and I have found that irritating. Recovering addicts and the children/ex or widowed partners of addicts are also experts even if only by way of living it. As I said before even therapists/mental health experts wouldn't be so arrogant as to presume they know what it's like to be an addict/bipolar/depressive unless they've actually been there themselves - that's kind of WHY AA and other addict based therapy works isn't it? It's not just the premise of abstinence it's 'we DO know what it's like so you can't fool us but we also get it'.

Ops posts both this one and others seemed to me to be crying out for motivation as well as support (but not enablement which doesn't help any addict). If I'm wrong THE OP can say so.

As an aside I wonder if the reason some have found NA a better fit is the age of the participants? I agree that addicts behave and think in very similar ways regardless of what it is they're addicted to (to a point). Familial experience is that it tends to be older people it's drink/gambling and younger ones it's drugs. So if NA attendees tend to be younger and I think op is also younger side (late 20's/30's? No need to answer of course) that might be a reason NA might 'click' better where AA hasn't. It might even just be true of where the op lives.

Op if (which I'm only saying because addicts in the grip do lie) you really haven't had a drink since Saturday that is fantastic! I also applaud the idea of avoiding temptation.

I forgot to say so before but I do think not having alcohol in the house is a good idea FOR YOU (I said before my father saw this as a sign he WASN'T an alcoholic but each addict has their own quirks, there was a famous addict years ago - might have been gazza but I think it predates him in my mind - said they didn't think of themselves as an alcoholic because they only drank very expensive whisky and 'alcoholics are homeless people drinking cheap booze out of brown bags' it was their version of denial).

At least temporarily, I don't think your husband would object? Have you alcohol in the house hidden he doesn't know about that you are keeping secret as a sort of 'safety net'?

I get what you're saying about him controlling the cash being counterproductive but if this time is different maybe that would work this time? If your attitude/approach is now different?

I would LOVE to read about you continuing in your sobriety getting good support and recovering.

Sorry meant to add perhaps you're being given the autonomy too soon? Before you're ready?

graphista I've never claimed to be an expert, but as I said previously, I am a recovering alcoholic, and I have an alcoholic parent, hence why I have read a lot around addiction...as I also said before there are a lot of people on here pushing opinion ...opinion which is not based on fact.

Graphista - I think you should keep your irritation out of the thread. This is very much op's thread. That's what I truly think so, to coin a phrase, ... tough.

As I said user (and I clearly wasn't the only poster to think so) your tone was of that leaning.

And it's only your OPINION that other posters opinions are 'not based on fact'

You don't know (any more than we know of you) what the facts of a posters expertise is. Plus an opinion doesn't have to be based on fact anyway.

Bibbity yes it's ops thread - not yours.

Graphista you find my tone leaning and my posts irritating, I will give you a bit of counsel, as previously said .....tough....btw my name is in the top left corner of each post,

Feel free to relieve your irritation by not reading the post.

No, Graphista, quite obviously it is not mine. Which is not why I am posting my own mental diarrhorea all over it. Equally, it is not yours.

Well user and bibbity you'll be glad to know that after this post I will no longer post on this thread.

I am not your punchbag and I do not deserve the comments you have made.

Honestly ? You've bullied a person off a thread, well done.